lovebubble Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 let me start by saying, i know that there's really no way to justify an affair. i don't know first hand, as i've never been cheated on (to my knowledge) and i've never had one myself.. but, my marriage is becoming unbearable.. and there's this guy..... as of late, my husband has been very confusing, hurtful and manipulating. i've done the same but, not to this extent. we seperated a few weeks ago. i asked him to leave the house over a petty argument (my fault), and he did so with no fight.. and hasn't come back. our one year marriage anniversary took place during this seperation, in which i suggested we should have dinner and talk about our marriage, he rejected. he's leaving for military school for a month, and needed somewhere to put his things.. so he asked me if he could store his things at the apartment. when he comes over, he begs and practically cries for sex.. stating that he'll be gone for a month, he wants to work our marriage out, ect ect.. i denied him for about an hour or so.. i felt we were moving extremely too fast.. but, in the end.. i gave in to my husband, i still love him and am attracted to him afterall. after that, he went back to where he had been staying (our rental home). the next day, he came over briefly.. and said he had to go back to the house but, wasn't really clear on why. i asked him if i could go, and he got really testy.. said he didn't care but, when i went downstairs with him to go to the house.. as soon as i attempted to get in, he said that i could not ride with him and that we were '' moving too fast ''. i asked, how are we moving too fast now when you just laid down with me last night? i never felt so used before. he later called me from the house and said that he needed time to think about the marriage.. that he didn't know where he wanted to be. about an hour later, he texted me asking if we could go to dinner and talk.. i said yes. when he came to dinner, he was not wearing his ring. i asked him why? he gave me an excuse about having to cut the grass or something. we ate, convo was decent but mostly negative, and afterwards.. he went back to our rental home.. never putting forth any effort to spend the night with me before his departure. all of this has me feeling very unwanted right now and very confused. part of me feels like it's all a game.. part of me is just soaking up the hurt. long story short, im very unhappy in my marriage.. and there's a male friend that i have been friends with since before i met my husband. he wants to visit me. should i be open to possibilites with a good person? or is this a stupid idea. i just don't know how to deal with the rejection.. and i'm starting to confide in this guy.. i feel like it could lead to an A and eventually a divorce. what do i do?
Lyssa Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 If there was no way for you and your H to fix the M then file for a divorce. Fix yourself after the divorce AND THEN start dating. It wouldn't do you nor anyone else involved if you started an A with your guy friend.
sadintexas Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I agree. Much better to file for divorce and close that chapter in your life before you start something new. Or work on your marriage first and go from there. Being with someone else will only cloud your judgment. It sounds to me like your H has something going on as well. The testiness over you coming over, the absent wedding ring, etc. These signs aren't exactly pointing in the direction of fidelity.
MistyK Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I just read this yesterday, thought it might interest you as it's similar in terms of the H's behaviors: http://www.theweek.com/article/index/99512/The_last_word_He_said_he_was_leaving_She_ignored_him
lkjh Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Lovebubble, you have some real problems with commitment. In your last post you made it pretty clear that you manipulated the hell out of your husband and he finally got sick of it. After going to therapy you realize you have been doing this for a long time. The separation was your fault and didn't you come to the conclusion that you need to be honest with your H and show that you want him back? How does having a affair do this. Marriage is lifelong and everyone is going to have a couple of bad years, but we have to work through these years if we want to make it. Over the course of 30 or so years this one bad year won't mean anything but if you cheat you can never take it back. You need to learn that there are going to be times where you have to work at your marriage and now is one of those times. Do not let your "friend" come visit. Lie to your "friend" if you have to. You do not need to complicate your situation anymore. Tell your husband how you really feel and be ready to work at your marriage for at least a year. You have broken his trust and you need to earn it back, cheating will not do this. Also, I remember from your other post that your H does not trust you around other guys, you said this was because you manipulated him but after reading this he may be on to something. If you can not be honest with him, put the work in, and realize that marriage is 50/50 then you should divorce him. You can not make everything about you, also its not about him either, its about the marriage as a whole. Please think before doing something as horrible and disgusting as cheating on your husband
whichwayisup Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Choosing to have an affair isn't going to help, it will make things worse. Plus, it isn't fair to the OM to offer yourself to him if you're not free and available. It also isn't fair to do to your kids or to your husband.. Either fix your marriage or end it. Don't cheat.
Gamine Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 It sounds to me as if you are trying to find a way to run away from your problems. When all you are doing is running full force head on into a hornet's nest. Deal with your problems and do not make choices based upon problems. Make choices based upon sound thinking.
norajane Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 should i be open to possibilites with a good person? If you really like this friend and he's a good person, WHY would you want to drag him down into your mess and make his life miserable?
Author lovebubble Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Lovebubble, you have some real problems with commitment. In your last post you made it pretty clear that you manipulated the hell out of your husband and he finally got sick of it. After going to therapy you realize you have been doing this for a long time. The separation was your fault and didn't you come to the conclusion that you need to be honest with your H and show that you want him back? How does having a affair do this. Marriage is lifelong and everyone is going to have a couple of bad years, but we have to work through these years if we want to make it. Over the course of 30 or so years this one bad year won't mean anything but if you cheat you can never take it back. You need to learn that there are going to be times where you have to work at your marriage and now is one of those times. Do not let your "friend" come visit. Lie to your "friend" if you have to. You do not need to complicate your situation anymore. Tell your husband how you really feel and be ready to work at your marriage for at least a year. You have broken his trust and you need to earn it back, cheating will not do this. Also, I remember from your other post that your H does not trust you around other guys, you said this was because you manipulated him but after reading this he may be on to something. If you can not be honest with him, put the work in, and realize that marriage is 50/50 then you should divorce him. You can not make everything about you, also its not about him either, its about the marriage as a whole. Please think before doing something as horrible and disgusting as cheating on your husband i completely understand what you're saying but, did you read the original post? i think it's safe to say that it isn't all me. i'm sorry that you took that last post and want to use it as the soundtrack of our marriage but, unfortunately it's a lot deeper than just me manipulating him. that's what i chose to talk about in my last post but, there are issues on his end as well.. i'm not creating a hostile environment on my own. thank you for the perspective, though. there will be some bad years.. and i will keep that in mind, instead of taking it out on him when my '' fairytale '' isn't going as planned. i'm trying to change myself, hoping that it will change our marriage. last night was a very vulnarable one for me ( when i made this post ). thank u guys for all of the great advice.
Devil Inside Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 If I could talk to anyone that is married before they start an A I would tell them to really stop and think about it. If you think you have some crap to deal with now, just wait, having an A complicates things exponentially! It will lead to many if not all involved to be really hurt.
NOTSURE7 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 if you have even an inkling of love for your h dont do it if you in anyway want your m to work, dont do it if you dont want to see your h devastated beyond comprehension, dont do it if you dont want to hurt your h, dont do it. if you dont want to see your h cry,dont so it if you dont want to hurt yourself,your h,your m and everyone else around you- dont do it.. i had an A, i confessed to my W and 6 weeks ago was dday, i wish i would have never done it, not one second of it was worth it... if you dont want your h or your m, then divorce him and then go out and o whatever you want too, but dont hurt someone beyond anything you could ever imagine, like i did...
lkjh Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Do not let your "friend" visit you. You are way to vunerable now and you will regret it. Once you get the label of cheater you will have it forever. Even if nobody finds out you will have to live with it
lkjh Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I read your other post and although your H has his problems, you did admit that most of your guys problems came from you wanting to manipulate him. That is something you two can work through, but if you cheat its over
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