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I don't understand why he broke up with me, and I can't move on...

dashing daisy

By dashing daisy
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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dashing daisy Established Member

dashing daisy

Posted
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I have no idea what I'm doing.

 

The background is... we've been together for 5 months. We were long distance for 1 month (we are both in college, and he went home for the summer). While he was at home we talked every day, every night before bed. I visited him for a week, and it was amazing.

 

Now he is studying abroad this semester. Really far away, with a 14 hour time difference. We talked about this before he left and acknowledged that it would be really hard but we would try to make it work. I know it sounds really dumb, because we hadn't been together for that long...but we loved each other, we were perfect together, so happy. He said he'd never met anyone as amazing as me, and he couldn't imagine being without me.

 

A few days after he gets there, he sends me an email, saying how much he misses me, he wishes I was there with him, and he has so much to tell me already, but he is really busy and we'll talk as soon as he gets settled. So we don't really get to talk for a while, just sending cute emails back and forth. Then 3 days after our last email, he writes a really long email completely out of the blue...

 

It's long, and complicated, and I don't feel comfortable posting it on the internet for everyone to see. I mean, it was meant to be private...I guess. So I would feel bad posting it.

 

Basically he said he thought we should break up, saying he could do this part of long distance (while he is away), but he is not sure if we will both be in the same place for a long time, and we will have to break up unless we get married...which is ridiculous because we are really young. So it's better to break up now because it will be more painful later, after getting through this long distance. He "honestly loves me, and cares about me" but he is "too worried" about being long distance.

 

I really don't think I can explain this, his email was so long, and I can't really make sense of it. All I can think of is that he wants to be single and hook up with other people while he is abroad.But he says it has nothing to do with that and he was being honest in his email. But if he really cared, why would he just lay this all out in an email, and then not even try to be around to talk?

 

I just want to feel better...but I feel really unresolved. All his emails say he still loves me and wants to try, and this is really hard for him, and that makes me question it, but if he really did love me and wanted to make things work wouldn't he try to talk to me?

 

I know he goes online, I see him on aim sometimes, and he says hi occasionally...but I hadn't replied so I guess he stopped. And I didn't reply to his last email. Then I said hi the other day...dumb. He didn't really say anything just small talk...which I can't do...but I just kind of went along with it...I just want things to be back the way they were.

 

I know in my mind that he broke up with me, and he sees it as we aren't together, but I can't get it out of my head. I haven't talked to him since then, I deleted him on aim, and I haven't emailed him...but all I want is for him to call me, or just say he misses me...

 

It doesn't make sense...how do I just let it go? Did he just let it go?

 

All I can think about is that he is going to come back and we are not going to be together, and that really bothers me...

 

What is wrong with me??

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dashing daisy Established Member

dashing daisy

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Nobody? I feel extra dumb now...

silic0ntoad Established Member

silic0ntoad

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Hm. To be honest, everything he is saying, may very well be true. But you need to ignore all the BS and pay attention only to the "I don't want to be with you" part.

 

LD relationships take balls of steel and utter faithfulness on both parts. This guy obviously wasn't ready for it. I think what he is really saying, is, he would be with you, if it were not for the 14 hour time difference. That's pretty tense. That's a BIG difference and alot to work around.

 

Being as young as you both are, he doesn't sound like he has the true emotional integrity yet to do that. I doubt it has to do with other people.

caramel c Established Member

caramel c

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I believe what he's saying to be true and unfortunate for both of you. There is no telling what the future may bring, but in the meantime you have got to live your newfound single life. Stay out of contact with him entirely if you don't want to be tortured.

silic0ntoad Established Member

silic0ntoad

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Agreed. Like I said, you guys were still in the "honeymoon" stage of the relationship, so I doubt it has to do with other women.

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dashing daisy Established Member

dashing daisy

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I talked to him again...

 

It was bad. You guys are right. All he said before he left was I want to be with you, I love you so much, I've never met anyone like you, you are amazing...

 

Now he just doesn't want to be with me. We had "subtle" problems in our relationship that he never would have noticed before...what does that even mean?

 

I really cared about him...I don't understand it.

 

It was a bad idea to talk to him.

vivrantflo Established Member

vivrantflo

Posted
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Your relationship with him lasted five months. Of course it was enjoyable so it makes the break up hard. Just give yourself time to get over the relationship. Don't take it personally, because I dont think many guys would want to deal with a 14 hour LDR at a young age.

 

Hell, Im 30 and I wouldn't entertain that at my age with a woman I've dated for 5 months. No matter how well we clicked.

 

Just go NC, go out, have fun, meet new people, and just chalk this past relationship up to a fun, short-lived one. You will get over this!

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dashing daisy Established Member

dashing daisy

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I know.

 

I know nobody would want to do it, but we said we would try.

 

It was okay when we were able to talk everyday but now it's over.

 

And to be honest...I don't want to believe it's over and that is my problem. I still love him, I know it was only 5 months but we were so great together...

 

We haven't really talked, but all I want to do is tell him I still love him, and him tell me he still wants to be with me.

joyinSF New Member

joyinSF

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hi daisy-

 

i know what you are going through! i was with my ex for 8 months and we were perfect! hes going back to his country. heres the thing , if the guy or girl, really wants to work it out, and if they really love you, they would find a way to work it out..no question!

so for me and you, the guys just dont love us enough. thats all.

 

we will get through it..hopefully..TRUST ME..im here for you if you wnat to talk.

Ash_fiasco Member

Ash_fiasco

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well daisy....it's nothing lyk personal d thing is dat we are here to share our common or maybe uncommon experiences of lyf...wht happens is maybe for ur better tommorow...u know wht people say is dat everythins gonna be alrite i dont agree wid it completely coz it dont work dat way it's just u alone who understands and can judge....well my gf left me after an year...sayin dat her parents wont agree for our marriage...i agreed and she even changed her words sayin dat i dont love u anymore....i dont understand dat what d heck is

love has to do wid dat....i wont marry her doesnt mean dat love is gone...she broke me completely and the level of trust i had on her...nevermind u take care and try to be happy dont get ur life laid on anyone...maybe ur beau is very understanding and honest bt u knw things dont happen dat u plan d way it's supposed to be coz one sided love always fail....NJOY;)

New Again Established Member

New Again

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My only advice is to stop agonizing over why. You may never know, and knowing and understanding why is not going to enable you to get him back.

 

It sucks, but as another poster said, focus on the "I don't want to be with you" part. That's really all you need to know.

OnTheEdge Member

OnTheEdge

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i really understand your pain..its hard becuase your not both together talking about it..i honestly think you should move on..i know it seems really hard and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel but it was only 5 months...your lucky this didnt happen after a couple of years..i hope this helps

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dashing daisy Established Member

dashing daisy

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I know it's only been 5 months, I know it sounds ridiculous. But even my breakup with my boyfriend of 2 years wasn't this hard. I can't figure out why.

 

We talked again. He says he doesn't understand what is wrong with him, and he feels like he's gone emotionally insane since we've been apart...and he doesn't understand why he ruined such a good thing. And he feels like I am his perfect match and he loves me. And he's never cried as much as he has in the last month since he left in his whole life. But he still feels like we shouldn't be together, he feels guilty for what he did and it would still be 4 months until we saw each other again. He says that I am amazing and pretty much perfect, and I should never change, and this is his problem and he doesn't understand it. But then he says things like "I want to spend every day with you forever" and that he hates it there and just wants to be home with me... its just ****ing with my head.

 

 

Finally he said he didn't think we were making any progress and he just wanted to be able to talk to me "like normal." I said I thought it would be best if we just stay separate for now, he lives his life there, and I live mine. He wanted to know when we would be able to talk again, and what would happen when he got back...

 

I said I don't know, for now we just shouldn't talk.

 

I don't know why this is so hard to let go...I can't stop crying. And I NEVER cry. I mean I'm full on crying, like uncontrollable heaving sobs. But WHY?

 

I just want to fast forward and find out what happens at the end. Part of me doesn't want to move on because I honestly think when he gets back he is going to change his mind. But of course that makes me feel like a chump for thinking of waiting around...

 

So I'm just going to try to take all your advice, not talk to him, and try not to agonize over the "why." Because it's driving me crazy.

 

He doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't want to be with me. There are no mixed signals. He doesn't want to be with me.

 

Maybe one day I'll actually believe that without wondering what is wrong with me...

Lish Established Member

Lish

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Hiya. I haven't read every single thing you've written.. and that's not because I'm uninterested, it's because it wouldn't all relate to what I've intended to say since I read the thread title :) I've got the basics covered, though.

Firstly, like you posted, he doesn't want to be with you, and whether or not you understand, agree or disagree with his reasoning, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You need to move on as best as you can. Take each day as it comes and it will get better. I'm a big believer in taking positives from bad experiences - whatever mistakes you made when you were IN the relationship and any you made AFTER it (you know, like talking to him again), you have to learn from them.

 

You entered this world alone. This tells me that you therefore do not need to be with anyone else to be happy. Try to occupy yourself.. try to fill up the day as best as you can and try to take your mind off it. However, that does not mean you neglect how you feel, it is simply a way to help you cope and deal with it slowly, rather than thinking about it all day...every day.

 

& lastly, you need to believe the last line of what you posted. It's true. What he finds 'wrong' (bad term) in you, another guy will find your best trait. Some people just don't gel. Somethings just aint meant to be hunny. Good luck. You CAN move on :)

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