Kamikaze Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I keep reading these posts about how the OW should never tell the BS about the details or correct the lies the MM told. Why? If the BS is ever going to make an informed decision - and we KNOW the MM is NEVER going to tell the truth - Why not let the chips fall where they may?
confusedinkansas Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I keep reading these posts about how the OW should never tell the BS about the details or correct the lies the MM told. Why? If the BS is ever going to make an informed decision - and we KNOW the MM is NEVER going to tell the truth - Why not let the chips fall where they may? I would think that she would tell ALL........Unless maybe the affair was still going on. Then I can understand not telling details. Keeps her @ss in the clear & let's her still be with the MM.--Right?
MistyK Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I keep reading these posts about how the OW should never tell the BS about the details or correct the lies the MM told. Why? If the BS is ever going to make an informed decision - and we KNOW the MM is NEVER going to tell the truth - Why not let the chips fall where they may? Personally, I think it's pointless, and probably only ill-motivated when OW do this. The BS isn't going to believe some woman who cheated with their H over their H, with whom they have a history. Even if the OW has allegedly pure motives to help the BS make a truly informed decision (which is doubtful if I may be so honest), the BS will only see the OW as someone with an axe to grind and every reason in the world to lie in order to break up the M. And to be honest, I tend to think that OW do this when MM break things off or things otherwise go sour just for revenge, if not the simple hope that it will end the M. But the only person who usually ends up getting hurt by this is the BS (because they so rarely leave the WH as a result of an A), and there's really no reason to do that to a BS. If a BS really wants to know the truth and is willing to consider the story of the OW, she will seek the OW out. I don't think the OW should seek out the BS.
whichwayisup Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I don't think the OW should seek out the BS. Especially if the intention is in hopes the BS will kick out her husband.. Misty is right, if the BS calls the OW, then tell all, answer her questions..But only if the intention is to tell the whole truth and also offer up an apology, admit her own part in helping with the betrayal.
Author Kamikaze Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Personally, I think it's pointless, and probably only ill-motivated when OW do this. The BS isn't going to believe some woman who cheated with their H over their H, with whom they have a history. Even if the OW has allegedly pure motives to help the BS make a truly informed decision (which is doubtful if I may be so honest), the BS will only see the OW as someone with an axe to grind and every reason in the world to lie in order to break up the M. And to be honest, I tend to think that OW do this when MM break things off or things otherwise go sour just for revenge, if not the simple hope that it will end the M. But the only person who usually ends up getting hurt by this is the BS (because they so rarely leave the WH as a result of an A), and there's really no reason to do that to a BS. If a BS really wants to know the truth and is willing to consider the story of the OW, she will seek the OW out. I don't think the OW should seek out the BS. I agree with your point! From a behavioral standpoint, however, I just find this part of the H & W relationship part of what creates the long term doubt - on the part of the BS. So, I guess what you are saying is - what the BS does not know - doesn't hurt them. Interesting!
foreal Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I keep reading these posts about how the OW should never tell the BS about the details or correct the lies the MM told. Why? If the BS is ever going to make an informed decision - and we KNOW the MM is NEVER going to tell the truth - Why not let the chips fall where they may? I am a BW and I asked MOW (a friend of mine!) for details- I told her what my H told me, but I thoguht he was still holding info back. I sincerley asked her to talk with me- I invoked our friendship, kinship as women; I told her I wanted to make an informed decison. I wanted to know when it began, that was my big question. MOW kept the pact she made w/ my H: They'd come up with a story as to when/where it started...and she stuck to it. My H did not stick to it and fessed up. So WHY did she not correct the lies my H, her MM told?? Could it be b/c she really was in love and wanted to show MM her love by giving her allegence to him over me? If OW has it bad for MM, then why the hell should she give ANYTHING to the BW? I would not correct my MMs lies if I were in love with him. FROM MISTYK: Personally, I think it's pointless, and probably only ill-motivated when OW do this. The BS isn't going to believe some woman who cheated with their H over their H, with whom they have a history. Even if the OW has allegedly pure motives to help the BS make a truly informed decision (which is doubtful if I may be so honest), the BS will only see the OW as someone with an axe to grind and every reason in the world to lie in order to break up the M. And to be honest, I tend to think that OW do this when MM break things off or things otherwise go sour just for revenge, if not the simple hope that it will end the M. But the only person who usually ends up getting hurt by this is the BS (because they so rarely leave the WH as a result of an A), and there's really no reason to do that to a BS. If a BS really wants to know the truth and is willing to consider the story of the OW, she will seek the OW out. I don't think the OW should seek out the BS. This is all spot on. FROM KAMIKAZE: I just find this part of the H & W relationship part of what creates the long term doubt - on the part of the BS. The not knowing IS what creates the long-term doubt, or at least it is a heavy contributor. But like MistyK said, if the BW asks the OW, then yes...but if the BW doesn't ask, then that is the way SHE is choosing to heal (or not). So, I guess what you are saying is - what the BS does not know - doesn't hurt them. It totally hurts them...b/c after Dday, BWs KNOW they don't know. All my opinion, of course
silktricks Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 JMO, as a fBS... If the OW came to me to tell me "something" I would know that she's been a part of the systematic lying that has been going on. Why should I believe what she says? She wants us to break up. My husband doesn't. He may say things that are not true, but so may she. Why should I believe what she says over what he says? They were both obviously willing to be part of a lie. In my case, my husband broke off the relationship and came to me to tell me about it, which help give a lot of credence to anything he said, as he certainly didn't need to do that (I would never have found out had he not told me). If she had after the cat was out of the bag come to talk to me, I would probably have assumed that she wanted to create as much havoc as possible. She was definitely of the opinion that if I was out of the picture that he would be with her.
Spark1111 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Ok, so what if you wait six, seven, eight months after DDay to contact the other woman? You wait to see HOW the dust settles, who he chooses; let him figure out his confusion cause I as hell will not be anyone's default choice. We start the arduous process of reconciling. I call her because three people in a triangle get hurt and I only have empathy for her, me and him at this point. He did eventually throw her under the bus. She NEVER returns my phone calls? Why do you think? Curious as to your opinions.
MistyK Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 She NEVER returns my phone calls? Why do you think? Curious as to your opinions. She likely assumes that you will scream and rage at her. She may already feel bad about the whole thing and doesn't want to open that wound again by talking about it. Or it may be that she doesn't want to lie for him but doesn't want to hurt you any further with the truth either. Could be that she's hurt by his ending it and choosing you and wonders if you're just calling to gloat or rub her nose in it. Could be a lot of things. Everyone's different.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I keep reading these posts about how the OW should never tell the BS about the details or correct the lies the MM told. Why? why? because unless one of the big lies where what the MM told the OW that he wasn't married, then the OW knew he was married and didn't care. So it wouldn't be her place to tell. She'd only be telling out of vindictiveness. Now, having said that, the MM would deserve being outed, and even though its not the OW's place, cuz she certainly didn't give a s##t enough about the wife while f#####g her husband....hey, whatever works. However the wife can get the information she needs that her H is a scumbag....as long as she gets the info...fine. and then after getting the info, I think the wife deserves also to be able to place one free slap across the face to the OW for her part in it. And then they never have to speak again. If the BS is ever going to make an informed decision - and we KNOW the MM is NEVER going to tell the truth most other women who already knew they were spreading them for a MM knew he wasn't truthful from the get go by default. Why all of a sudden care later? oh ya.....scorned. Why not let the chips fall where they may? I do agree here. tell the wife...face to face. They had the tits to f##k their husband, have the tits to face them. Woman up!!!
foreal Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Ok, so what if you wait six, seven, eight months after DDay to contact the other woman? You wait to see HOW the dust settles, who he chooses; let him figure out his confusion cause I as hell will not be anyone's default choice. We start the arduous process of reconciling. I call her because three people in a triangle get hurt and I only have empathy for her, me and him at this point. He did eventually throw her under the bus. She NEVER returns my phone calls? Why do you think? Curious as to your opinions. She is in pain at the loss of your H (her MM) and doesn't want to speak with the W, and/or she feels badly, and/or she is still hopeful your H will return to her and she is proving her faithfulness to him... Your H threw her under the bus- your empathy may be real, however, what good does it do her? If your H chose to stay in the M, then what else can she, or should she, offer you? And more to the point, what can you offer HER other than a reminder of her loss/pain?
Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I don't see the point.. If I were the BS.. I certainly would not believe the OW... why would she want to help me? The only time I think that could work, is when the OW didn't know the MM was married.. he gets caught then the BS wants to know the details.. btdt.. I was the OW.. but to be honest.. it didn't really helped her.. she forgave him for the XXXth time... and is probably still in her miserable marriage.. I don't really see the point.
Devil Inside Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I think that once the A is over...let it be over. Why should you involve yourself in the situation. I think that an OW/OM should cut all ties, go NC, and let the MM/MW deal with their own mess. I think this helps you heal faster.
2sure Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 While I do believe the right thing all around is to be sure BS knows that there was an affair... The details dont matter. Especially coming from OW because more likely than not she has been lied to just as much as the BS, and because the OW involvement in the marriage should end at D-Day.
Spark1111 Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 She likely assumes that you will scream and rage at her. She may already feel bad about the whole thing and doesn't want to open that wound again by talking about it. Or it may be that she doesn't want to lie for him but doesn't want to hurt you any further with the truth either. Could be that she's hurt by his ending it and choosing you and wonders if you're just calling to gloat or rub her nose in it. Could be a lot of things. Everyone's different. I agree, Misty. Could be a million things and I've let it go. But if you interviewed 100 people who know me, I'm not a rager, a gloater. I don't have a vengeful bone in my body. My calls to her were very kind so many months after the fact, so I am only left to conclude three things: My husband portrayed me as the uncaring spouse from hell and he was only staying for the sake of the children (So typical); Yes, her heart was broken and she hoped he would choose her, I can only speculate, and I felt her pain truly; She avoids conflict, even that which she helped caused.
MistyK Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 But if you interviewed 100 people who know me, I'm not a rager, a gloater. I don't have a vengeful bone in my body. Unless she knows you personally, she doesn't know that. There are a lot of BS's who like to call and threaten the OW to stay away from their H, demean the OW for revenge, etc. My husband portrayed me as the uncaring spouse from hell and he was only staying for the sake of the children (So typical); Yes, her heart was broken and she hoped he would choose her, I can only speculate, and I felt her pain truly; She avoids conflict, even that which she helped caused. I think you're probably right. A lot of OW go straight to the W with the truth out of revenge and BS's sort of expect this, no? I know that everytime I ended it with MM, his W would get all fearful that I'd show up or send her an email with details she really didn't want to know. Were you maybe trying to reach out to her first hoping to save yourself from being ambushed by her information later?
SidLyon Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 She likely assumes that you will scream and rage at her. She may already feel bad about the whole thing and doesn't want to open that wound again by talking about it. Or it may be that she doesn't want to lie for him but doesn't want to hurt you any further with the truth either. Could be that she's hurt by his ending it and choosing you and wonders if you're just calling to gloat or rub her nose in it. Could be a lot of things. Everyone's different. On a somewhat related matter, I wondered whether OW usually expect that the BW will contact them after d-day? If so do they plan what they are going to say - do they plan to be mean and nasty or to be kind? Do they worry about it and wonder how they will deal with it especially if they are in NC with the MM or he has unceremoniously dumped them. Do they worry whether the BW will be mean and nasty or kind? Would most OW prefer not to hear at all from the BW? Perhaps OW are all different and there is no obvious pattern. After d-day I contacted the OW twice unprompted, and the 3rd time was the day after she contacted my H. She was not nasty on either of the first 2 occasions but on the 3rd she was. S
MistyK Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 On a somewhat related matter, I wondered whether OW usually expect that the BW will contact them after d-day? If so do they plan what they are going to say - do they plan to be mean and nasty or to be kind? Do they worry about it and wonder how they will deal with it especially if they are in NC with the MM or he has unceremoniously dumped them. Do they worry whether the BW will be mean and nasty or kind? Would most OW prefer not to hear at all from the BW? I can only speak for myself of course, but I certainly expected BW to try to contact me. Knowing it was coming, I did try to think of what I would say. At that time, the best thing I could think of to say is that any questions she had for me really needed to be addressed to her H. I wanted to be loyal to him, but at the same time, I didn't like the idea of lying to her. I did not plan nor did I want to be mean to her. And I knew she would be nasty to me and that I deserved that. When she did finally call, in the midst of an argument with her H, she immediately asked if I slept with him. I said she really ought to ask her H that. She continued pressing me for answers and asked if I had a habit of going after the H's of others. I apologized for my role in hurting her. She asked if I loved him and I told her I did. Then she said something profane and hung up. It was about 4 min in all. If she called me again, I probably would tell her the truth now, if she asked. I feel bad about the way she clung to (and still does) to the idea that we never had sex. She's waited for him for over a year since D-day to make up his mind based on false information. A total waste of her time (and mine!). Ugh.
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