Frost78 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 My wife and I have been married for over five years we have three amaxing and wonderful children together, we own our home and want for nothing. From someone who might have just met us, they could be inclined to think we have the perfect marriage and at one time they would have been correct up until last October. I stepped out on my wife not once but twice and actually moved in with an ex girlfriend from way back in the past, I done all of this is less than a week in October of last year. I broke her heart and everything she believed in. I thought that I did not love my wife any longer and thought I was making sound desicions in my life for my own personal happiness. Over the course of a few weeks I had learned that I was not infact happy and missd my wife so much that I literally stopped eating and slept a maxium of about 2 hours a night. I am only 31 but my family doctor has suggested that when I turned 30 last year I could have potentionally went through a pre mature mid life crisis, due to working nealry 70 hours a week and trurning 30. I wanted to make ammends after about three weeks of my betrayal but for the time being she had met someone herself and was not allowing me in her life. Things got ugly, VERY UGLY and the night after Thanksgiving of last year I physically assaulted the guy she was seeing. From there things got even worse and there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel, I had lost my job due to going to jail for assault on this guy and to make matters worse she took a restraining order out on me after I got out of jail (3 days later). The order prevented me from seeing my children or entering my home for 10 days, it may not seem like a long time but it felt like eternity. Up until that moment in my life I had NEVER had one run in with the police and had never been arrested let alone been to jail. My life was so bleak in the ending of November to December of 08, I had lost nearly 40 pounds and would not eat. I felt as though my life was over and I had destroyed my life, the life of my wife and the life of my children. My wife and I made up on December the 15th of last year and took a long weekend beach trip. We swore that we would make everything better and that we would start anew, that was the most beautiful time I have ever spent with my wife. This went great for a little over a month and then my regret kicked in. I was most certainly the one in the wrong but went out of my way to make her feel ashamed for what she had done to me (even though I deserved it and it was my own actions that started it all). Up until I did what I did to my marriage my wife and I were a solid and strong team. The months that followed were so wishy washy, we would have a good day or week and then a horrible week or so. I guess that is to be expected given all that we had just been through. About three months ago I sat my wife down and I will not go into detail here but I will say that I knew I wanted to make EVERYTHING right again and have since been a better husband than I ever was and she also has made some significant changes as well. The issues now are almost a complete role reversal. I have opened up to her like I never have to anyone in my life and I know she loves me but we are still having problems and I cannot for the life of me rid myself of the guilt of what I did to her. My wife started work and I took some time off at the beggining of this year. I went back to work in May and my wife and I have since went on dates and I have made every effort to show her how much she means to me as well as our marriage. My wife now has started hanging out with friends and although I am aware that heahty friendships are good for a marrigae and give a person thier own space I have become bitter and jealous. I know that my jelousy is unfounded and it is nothing more than paranoid feelings. My feelings of jelousy and sadness are linked to something she has told me recently and that was she "does not think we will last forever". She said before all this had transpired that she believed in us but now she feels as though it is inevitable that we will perish like all other relationships in our life before we met. I trust her and I know in my heart that she may feel once bitten twice shy but just her saying that and now the desire to hang out with friends til late at night on occasion has made me a nervous wreck. Also, she used to love intamacy and sex and she still does but now when she says she does not feel like it, I feel so distant and alone. I know I shouldnt feel that way but I cannot help it. I find myself crying when she doesnt feel like having sex. I have never been this open to anyone and would probably not be this open now had we not went through what we did last year. She used to never let us go to bed angry and if I even thought of sleeping on the couch or the guest room she was not gonna have it. Now if we argue and I leave the room she does nothing but go to sleep. To make matters worse one of my closest friends wife passed away last week and I am only 31 he is only 36. My friend gave his wifes eulogy and one thing he said burns inside my mind and its something that I could never say if my wife were to leave this world before I. He said "I have no regrets". I realize that I should have never took her for granted and all I want is my old life back with her without the walls and my self induced prison of regret. I want her to trust me again and although she never questions me about where I am or if I have to stay later at work, I cannot help but feel her changing into someone I do not know. She tells me she loves me and she wants to stay married but I feel her changing. We talk at least three or four times during a work day and we are close when we are home, the love is still there. Could her saying "we will not last" be a defense mechanism or does she truly believe that. Am I making to much of a big deal about some nights when she does not feel like being intimate? Why am I just now starting to wear my heart on my sleeve? Why am I becoming so emotional, I have NEVER been this emotional in my life and I feel like everyday I am in a warzone trying to protect my marriage. Some days if we argue and I have to go to work it is all I can do to function and I feel a huge gulf of impending doom lurking around the corner, ready to fall onto my marriage. I NEVER felt this way before the affairs. Does anyone have a simliar situation that they went through that could possibly help me understand my emotions and if what we are experiencing is normal after such tramatic betrayal last year. Is it normal to continue to kick oneself in the backside? I know I am to blame for the majority of the wrong doing in the marriage but even though I know I am beating a dead horse I feel so much regret and shame.
LakesideDream Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Wow Frost, that was a missive. There is a lot of information in your post. Might I suggest you read what you have written 3-5 times from your wifes point of view and try to be empathatic. Your behavior hasn't been good. Try and put yourself into her shoes. I appears to me like she is going the extra mile in your behalf.
Liquid9898 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Before I can answer some of your questions, let me ask you this. How did you have time to have an affair and move in with this other woman when you have a family, three children, and a job that requires 70 hours a week?
giotto Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 guilt is a bad beast and very difficult to put to rest... you hurt your wife badly and it's good she still proclaims that she loves you. The "we will not last" statement is a bit of a worry sign, but it's impossible to read more into it (I find it strange, though, that she found another man so quickly after you left... ). I would suggest you go to MC or - if wife refuses - to IC, to sort yourself out... good luck!
Author Frost78 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Wow Frost, that was a missive. There is a lot of information in your post. Might I suggest you read what you have written 3-5 times from your wifes point of view and try to be empathatic. Your behavior hasn't been good. Try and put yourself into her shoes. I appears to me like she is going the extra mile in your behalf. She has and I am proud of her for that. Our struggle has paid off and we do not have as many problems now as we did five-eigh months ago as a metter of fact our problems are somewaht miniscule to what they were. I am just living in alot of guilt and regret and I just want things too be as though they were before the affairs. Liquid, you ask a good question and it is deserves and honest answer. It was a coworker that the affair started with and then the ex girlfriend came into the picture when my wife had found out and had a breakdown and went and stayed with her mother and I watched after the kids and took a week off of work. I looked up an ex from the past instead of being a man and acepting what I had done to my wife and being there for her.\ Giottto, you also bring up a good statement, it is my opinion that my wife met someone so quickly to sheild herself from the hurt she was feeling. I believe she sought a guy to be close to someone. I mean her husband did have two affairs in less than a week so I am sympathetic to what she had done although at one time I as well questioned that fact in a different light. Guys my problem is I cannot let my guilt go and i am trying to find ways in whcih to do so. I also have stronger emotions for my wife than I ever thought possible as well I feel very vunerable as I do not open up like I have to her to ANYONE.
2sunny Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 if the amends is done properly it's never going to be about you... it will only be about your wife... maybe your kids too. amends to to change. involves action. apologies don't count as those are viewed as empty words. soooo, i would suggest finding the CONSTANT actions that SHOW your wife you are a changed man. this can involve lifetime of showing the change to be true and correct.
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