lora22 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 This might be a sensitive topic that people aren't comfortable talking about. Question is, how common do you think it is to use someone you're dating? I mean, you're not especially interested in the person, other than something materialistic they have to offer you. Not necessarily gold digging. (At least I don't think so?) Has anyone ever done this? Did the other person ever figure it out? Reason I ask is that this seems to be coming up a lot lately in my personal life - I was actually once accused of this. I also know someone who puts up with a lot of crap from her bf whom she lives with, simply because living with him (he pays all the bills) allows her a lifestyle she couldn't afford if she were living on her own - as it is her entire salary pays for whatever she wants (no rent, utilities, groceries, etc.). She says she loves him, but recently it's sort of come out that she'd be gone if it weren't for this. Another girl I know moved to a new city to live with her bf - someone she doesn't really like, but she wanted to move to his city, and by dating him (he asked her to move in after dating her long distance for about 2 months) she gets a free place to live. She specifically said that she's only going to live with him for a few months, until she gets a job and gets on her feet, then dump him and move out.
BobSacamento Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 To have these girls move in so fast you gotta figure they are playing the game themselves. Pretty much sex on demand and what do they have to do? Clear a drawer out and share half a bed lol. Who is using who?
MadDriver Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 What are the ages of girls A and B that you speak of? I wouldn't mind being on the other side of the trade...
Author lora22 Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Well true about the second girl. The first girl has been with her bf for YEARS. Like 7 or 8 I think? The first girl is in her mid 20s, the second girl is in her mid 30s.
MadDriver Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 The first girl is in her mid 20s, the second girl is in her mid 30s. Those figures are consistent with my personal experience... meaning that young women are really, truly looking for love and you can't buy their affection. However, as they get wiser, they don't mind guys throwing cash at them. Young girls grow into golddigging women, who would've thought. I'd still accept the bargain, though.
New Again Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 What are the ages of girls A and B that you speak of? I wouldn't mind being on the other side of the trade... You would want to be the guy who is used by the girls for your house or whatever? I guess what you would get out of it is a gf who wouldn't give you (much) sh*t? Huh. Honestly, in some ways this sounds like the provider/housekeeper kinda thing - traditional male/female roles I mean. Just that it's more like a conscious decision on the part of the women. For the first girl it sounds like a somewhat unhealthy relationship in some aspects. But in the sense that they are both getting what is most important to them at the moment out of the relationship, maybe that's what works for them for the time being. I wonder if her bf knows she's "using" him and how he would feel about that if he did? Second girl sounds pretty cold and calculating. Yes, that's very judgmental of me. To me that sounds more like gold digging - looking for a specific person to provide a specific thing. The first one sounds more like there was an initial connection beyond the materialistic - they would've had to be together in high school/college...
Yamaha Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I believe if a guy lets a women use him it's because he knows there is problems in the relationship and he is trying to hang on by supplying money, gifts, etc. It never works in the end but it usually seems to be the women who ends these material exchanges due to bordem.
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 This almost sounds like an ROI or cpl question, lora... No, I've never swapped sex for goods but I've heard about it on LS but never IRL, unless you're talking about gold diggers or hookers.
MadDriver Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 You would want to be the guy who is used by the girls for your house or whatever? But that's the reason men buy expensive houses, cars, boats in the first place... We're virtually screaming "HOT girls, please use us!!!!!!" I really love american cars (see avatar), but unfortunately I have to driver around town in a german import. A Ford just doesn't have the cachet of a Mercedes in a HOT woman's eyes... (Now all the plain janes are going to chime-in that they are not superficial and would never judge a man based on his possesions, etc. That they are not materialistic, golddigers, etc. Love is the most important thing, etc. Of course plain janes are going to be at a lower price tier than HOT women -- otherwise they wouldn't be able to compete on an equal footing with a HOT woman.)
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 But that's the reason men buy expensive houses, cars, boats in the first place... We're virtually screaming "HOT girls, please use us!!!!!!" This goes away as men age and realize it's themselves they're trying to please with their expensive toys. I really love american cars (see avatar), but unfortunately I have to driver around town in a german import. A Ford just doesn't have the cachet of a Mercedes in a HOT woman's eyes... Right... (Now all the plain janes are going to chime-in that they are not superficial and would never judge a man based on his possesions, etc. That they are not materialistic, golddigers, etc. Love is the most important thing, etc. Of course plain janes are going to be at a lower price tier than HOT women -- otherwise they wouldn't be able to compete on an equal footing with a HOT woman.)That's really sad that you believe all women judge you by your possessions. Realistically speaking, women judge you by far more than possessions...
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Yes, I've met and know a number of eminently pragmatic women engaged in relationships of convenience that benefit them. I sometimes wonder if I didn't marry one. Regardless, it does happen and it isn't always a sign of 'gold-digging', rather quid-pro-quo or bartering clothed in a pseudo-romantic chemise. Whenever I get the impression that a woman (even a female friend) is being too generous with me, we have a talk. I know what it's like to be taken advantage of and would in no way wish to leave that impression on anyone else, even accidentally. My best friend's wife is this way, both materially and emotionally, and we'll be having the talk (again) presently. Giving of herself is tremendously satisfying to her, but I like her to spread it around more I think she's reacting to my going through a divorce, which is natural. I certainly love her for her care and concern. I know you're talking about 'romantic' situations, but the dynamic can exist in all types of relationships. IMO, if you recognize the signs in yourself, and make changes, then you don't have an issue. It's those who view others generally as receptacles and trend towards sociopathy who have the real challenges. I think it would be exceedingly difficult to compartmentalize the behavior from individual to individual, dependent on how much one 'cared'. YMMV
MadDriver Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 That's really sad that you believe all women judge you by your possessions. Not all women. Just the HOT ones. Well, the plain janes do too, but they won't admit it. Women especially judge other women on the possession scale (see ridiculously expensive game of designer bags, shoes, clothes, jewelry -- women trying to impress other women). (So, in the end, everyone, males and females, are trying to impress other females!) Realistically speaking, women judge you by far more than possessions... Yeah, it only gets me the initial audition. There are many, many more obstacles before she'll award him the starring role... (as it should be).
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Not all women. Just the HOT ones. Well, the plain janes do too, but they won't admit it. Women especially judge other women on the possession scale (see ridiculously expensive game of designer bags, shoes, clothes, jewelry -- women trying to impress other women). (So, in the end, everyone, males and females, are trying to impress other females!)Women dress for themselves and each other. You guys are the collateral damage... Yeah, it only gets me the initial audition. There are many, many more obstacles before she'll award him the starring role... (as it should be).Yes and no. Here are the two possibilities: Not too many women are going to downgrade their existing lifestyles, to support a man.And yes, from what I've read, you'll find some mercenary women around who want to upgrade their lifestyles by trading for sex.If you pass muster for door #1, then yes...there are waaayyyy more obstacles after that. At least in this last part, you understand. If you pass muster for door #2, then no, you're probably good to go, if what you flash is true and not just a cover.
Author lora22 Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Well in the situation where I was accused of using my bf, he was the accuser. The situation was I was still in grad school; I transferred to a school near him. Obviously didn't really have any money. He invited me to live with him. I never asked him if I could; he said if I transferred I should move in with him. So I did. I bought most of the groceries, helped pay utilities, cooked dinner every night, and was solely responsible for cleaning. In exchange, I didn't pay rent. Eventually he accused me of using him for a free place to live. So I moved out. And later on we broke up. Mostly for other reasons, but that definitely contributed. Maybe I'm a romantic, but I didn't think it was that common for this to happen.
New Again Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Girl #2 could be my bf's ex! Not sure how common it is either though. I think it's important for everyone to get what they need out of a relationship - emotionally, physically, etc.
Hkizzle Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Men wanting sex out of women, and women wanting men with wealth and status is as old as humanity itself. If money wasn't important then a man with lots of money would have the same desirability levels as a man washing dishes in the back of a resturant. Wanting someone that provides what we want, and using them are different however. I don't think you were using him if you were contributing to groceries and bills, and especially since you moved to a new city for him. My ex-GF did the same when she lived with me. Different men just see things differently.
AlektraClementine Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I've been living a self-sustaining lifestyle for so long that this topic just doesn't compute with me. I was laid off last year and took a gig working from home for less pay. My fiance argues with me all the time about my inability to take money from him. I simply won't have it. Even though times are harder than they were before. Unless and until I simply can't make ends meet....I'm prideful like that. He'll be moving in here by year's end and THEN, I'll let him split the bills. Also - I've never been attracted to cars, preppy expensive clothing, or boats. Too much jerk-ish behavior seems to come along with it. The gals that go after that are willing to overlook it because, well, they're not paying much attention to you anyway. And no, I'm not a plane Jane. Not plastic, but I do alright.
Trialbyfire Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 lora, as long as your feelings were real during this time, loving him and wanting to be with him, I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds like he was either looking to use his whip hand or was pushing you away. And yet, it never hurts to be financially independent, so it can't be held over your head. It never ceases to amaze me how people who should be focused on loving their partner, instead focus on how to control their partner. Chock it up to an experience gained about relying on yourself only. This doesn't mean you shouldn't ever depend on anyone, just don't depend on them for financial support.
HappyAgain Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Girl #2 is exactly like my ex's current girl and he has no idea.
Author lora22 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Girl #2 is exactly like my ex's current girl and he has no idea. That's horrifying...I hope he figures it out before he gets badly hurt. Thanks for all the responses!
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