happylife Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Don't know where to start, but I'll give it a go! I have been with my Husband for 20 years in total, married for 10, 2 children aged 9 and 12. When I had our first child we werent married but had been together for 9 years and were engaged. My H was very career minded and was working hard and resented me as he thought I had got pregnant on purpose which he believed would put an end to his career plans. I hadn't got pregnaant on purpose. He rejected me and although we lived together I spent most of my time staying at my Mums who gave me support whilst he had struck up a 'freindship' with a collegue and spent most of his time socialising and with her. This was very out of character for him as he has never been a big socialiser but i think it was a way of escaping responsibility with me and our child. Eventually things got better and then our next problem was that I wanted to get married (we were engaged which had been suggested by me after 9 years!) and he clearly did not want to. I got so fed up that I needed to think about my future and as he couldnt decide about me,along with me still feeling resentful about before, I thought it best that we separated and started to look for a house to live in. Immediately, thinking I would leave him he changed. Suddenly he wanted to get married and suggested we did it within the week, I foolishly went along with this and have since regretted never having the wedding day of my dreams and once again feel resentful about me 'forcing his arm' to do it and then doing it under his terms although i would have liked a much nicer wedding day and to have looked forward to making it special and not the mad rush it was! I think i was so relieved to be marrying my babies father and have a proper family unit for her that i felt i had to marry before he changed his mind. Mad eh? What a way to start a marriage. This resentment went on over time and frequently came up in arguements. What I wanted was for him to say 'i love you and I'm sorry for the way I treated you on the birth of our child and for you having to push me into marriage'. But an apology never came, he just said get over it, I married you didnt i, of course i love you etc, but i never felt it and felt let down and regected by him. Our relationship has always been rocky and never great because of this, we went to MC but that didn't help the MC just said but that's in the past and i need to put it behind me but it had all hurt me deeply and had never been addressed. Then he said, "see even the MC thinks you should move on" but he didnt ever identify and respect my feelings and just brushed it under the carpet. So, it gets worse, 4 years ago I find an email to the girl he spent time with when our child was born, just telling her she had made a 'big impression'at the time etc. He swears nothing happened between then, and I honestly believe him although I wonder if he would have liked it to. I think the email was just an 'opener' and i understand it was never replied to, if it had been then who knows? This ate away at me, by this time he was drinking too much in the evenings and I went to bed alone. We never had sex as I was filled with resentment and because he was always drunk so that repulsed me. He clearly loves his children but is not very 'hands on' and doesnt make the time to be with then. His job means he's away so i'm alone alot of the time with then and he's not very helpful when he's here. 2 years ago I started a friendship with an old school friend, this turned into a short affair. I felt liberated and wonderful to feel loved by someone and to love someone back without the resentment. My H found out, i thought my marriage was over, i panicked and begged for my husbands forgiveness. Two years on the A is well and truly over, we are still together and he has tried his hardest to forgive me. I feel awful for what i did to him but i know why it happened. That is not me passing the buck it's just truthful, our marriage was awful. I should have left the marriage before the A, and i was wrong not to do so. Although we are trying to get over it he takes no responsibility for any of our past problems and now just focuses on the A. Last night he got drunk, again and shouted at me some terrible things which our children could hear, they were disgusting. He frequently gets drunk and does this, our poor children. I feel i should leave now, it's got too bad. He checks up on me all the time, forbids me to go on the internet, use my mobile when he's around, be on sites such as facebook etc, and then if he feels i have done something inappropriate, for example text a friend whilst we are on holiday or having an evening together he creates an arguement. He hides my phone, disconnects the internet so i cant use it, anything to get my attention. If im doing what he wants he's happy, if hot he sulks then we argue. I feel i'm walking on egg shells. I was faithful for 18 years and put up with rejection from him and now he's the victim. I know i did wrong to have the A but he cant keep making me pay can he? Please help, dont know what to do anymore, Is it over? S x
giotto Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I'm surprised you lasted so long! Too much damage and baggage. It's never going to work now, is it? You are unhappy, he is unhappy and the children are suffering in an unhappy marriage... I think it's probably time to let go... unless you give MC one last shot...
Author happylife Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Thank you for confirming what i already know. Too much damage is a terrible thing.
Author happylife Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Thank you for your post. I have read your situation through your original starter thread back in January. your marriage seemed to have loads of baggage too, what has happened now in your situation? Can you tell me if you made it through? I am now considering the Retrouvaille programme, or MC, I need to know we did our best before it's over. The last few days we have got on great, as we do, as friends we have a laugh and on this level we're great. It's when things go deeper, ie cuddling, kissing, hugging that a barrier goes up for me, i feel myself tense and it jsut has to be the dreaded resentment again! that's all i can put it down to. I still find him attractive and a nice person. When he feels me 'withdraw', ie we are getting on great then he hugs me and i pull away he starts to suspect i'm still having the A or wanting a relationship with someone else so he'll go all crazy on me, obsessive, jealous, controlling etc.It's a vicious cycle. I guess even writing this has made me see the problem actually and yes, maybe MC will save our marriage as there are still some feelings there. I would like to know about you and what happened if you wouldnt mind?
giotto Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 we tried MC and it didn't work out... I suppose our problems were quite deep and my wife never liked talking about them, anyway. In fact, MC made things worse. My wife said she would go to IC, but she never did. I ended up staying, with the promise of more sex. The frequency is indeed better, but I can't help feeling that she is doing it just to keep me there. I know that she cares about me, but she doesn't love me like she used to. I'm finding this very difficult to overcome in our relationship and, yes, I do blame her and I resent her for falling out of love with me. All I can say is that we gave it our best shot (MC) and I'm staying for the kids. Am I happy? Hell, no.
TaraMaiden Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 I'm sorry - everyone is different, I appreciate that - but "staying for the kids" is the worst possible reason for perpetuating a complete farce. Kids grow. They change, evolve and understand a lot more than we give then credit for.... And staying for them is a thankless task - because in my experience, many people who stick around in a dead marriage for the kids - and explain this to the kids later - get the response of - "Why? you should have ended it sooner if you were miserable!" each person makes their own decisions, ok.... but 'staying for the kids is one of the worst, because your life passes you by. What a waste......
giotto Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 well, we make our choices according to the "reality" we live in. At the moment, I know for sure that my kids will benefit more from us "together" than separated. We are not particularly happy, but we don't argue or fight, we get on ok. We will review our situation soon, especially after my wife confessed to me the other day that she was "depressed". Our family life is ok and perfectly normal - no major dramas. My youngest is 8, so I might decide it's time to go soon... There is another side to what you say. My children might say: I'm very proud of you. You stayed together, for us, despite your problems...
Author happylife Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 I feel you're damned if you stay and damned if you go! i know things aren't right and yet they are not bad enough to walk out the door, I really believe it's right for us to be together at the moment as we get on ok and the kids dont always know there are issues. They are in a lovely little bubble of thinking we all live together so thats great. Sometimes when we argue i know we need to end it as that for sure isnt good for them. I'm reading a book called 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' and it makes you realise that a lot of people feel this way. No relationship is perfect for sure but i think love bonds you through all sorts and when the loves gone there is nothing left to keep you together so problems most people could xort become a major issue. It saddens me to think that my relationship has ended up like this as i now kind of accept that an option is to stay and accept this as my life. My one life.
Author happylife Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 Oh, most definitely. Taramaiden.... You sound like you feel we have no hope, do you really believe that from reading my post? Can you tell me your situation? Have you been there and know? or is your relationship good and so you despair when you read about people like me and cant believe that these things happen?! Thanks.
TaraMaiden Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 Thank you for confirming what i already know. Too much damage is a terrible thing. Well, you seem to agree here. I have a thread running, and am in a predicament of my own, as you might already know. But the emotional blackmail, excessive control and senseless drinking of your husband would have propelled me long ago to hit the exit door. I might be a pushover, but I'm no walkover. That's why I'm convinced you have a self-destruct button in the relationship - and you should hit it and get out.
Gunny376 Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I'm not going to say much because if I go "Gunny" ,...................... But? Where in the Hell did you ever get in your head that this was the best you could do and you deserved? All you can do? Time to 'bust a move!" I'm telling all of you! Live your life for yourself! Not through others! Not for others! Live Life to its top! Don't live your Life for someone else! Not your children, your spouse, your lover ~ YOURSELF! Don't live your Life through others! Life is short ~ from cradle to age seventy? Only 25,000 days! That's it! You started dying the day you were born!
floridapad Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I can feel you definately don't want to be in a situation where you don't love your husband or have feelings for him. But....the resentment you have for him and the resentment he may have for you is something that will linger a life time unless you both learn how to forgive each other (very tough thing to do but people do it....if they want to). You sound like you want to get seperated but keep mentioning MC, maybe because you want to walk away with less guilt and know you tried everything. I have heard the retrouvaile (sp?) program is incredible, but none of it will work if you don't WANT it to. None of it will work if HE doesn't want to. If you want to give it one last try, go to retrouvaile and let him know (in a soft caring sad way) that this is the last chance. But YOU have to be in it too. You have to want to. So ask yourself again did you really try everything. (I don't know the answer). If yes move on, if no then perhaps one last try through Retrouvaile. MC is not intensive enough for your situation. Love doesn't die, the feelings just get buried underneath alot of resentment. It takes hard work to get them back, but it can be done if you and he WANT to.
Author happylife Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Hi I'm pleased that you have read about my situation. I'm not convinced that we can get over all the troubles we have had, really think it's too late. I don't wish to appear to be negative but we have tried and tried. Thank you for your post. That was a lovely response. Thank you.
floridapad Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 LOL. I'll take that as a compliment....You did marry him afterall. Funny thing is. You sound like my wife. (I'm not saying this to be patronizing), but after her affair she had one foot in and one foot out but never made a choice until I caught her again.....It's a horrible place to be. Make your choice... I will say this though. People always say "you will be happier away from him/her or you will find someone you love or its better to be alone than be with someone you don't have feelings for". If this is so then why is the divorce rate on second marriages so much higher than first marriages. "they" say its because that people haven't TRULY learned about THEMSELVES and their part in the relationship in their primary marriage. Why are people who are divorced and single less healthy (statistically) than married people. If you feel you have looked inside yourself and done alot of soul searching about yourself and have truly tried everything then it is time to go. Otherwise give it your all and if you can't do it then seperate... I have read your posts and felt what you have written. I do see/read that you love him but are not in love with him. This is the one foot in the door and one foot out the door syndrome. It's hard. Something needs to change. Either real intensive counseling through retreats and true self reflection on both of your parts or seperation. More of the same is no solution.
Author happylife Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Thanks once again It has really helped reading about your situation. You sound like a lovely guy that does't deserve the person you are married to. Same as my H, he really is a lovely person and certainly doesn't deserve me messing him about like this. I know one thing (and this keeps me hanging in there) if i were to meet him today without all the crap from the past 20 years then i would want a relationship with him so that has to count for something. The programme i mentioned before (retrouville?) seems very 'religious' so i'm not sure it's for us. Wish i could find one that's not. I cant believe that i'm doing to my H what you are having done to you, makes me realsie how cruel it is. Let me know how you get on and i'll try to get both feet the same side of the door!!
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Come on lady are you 14 or are you a grown woman, you need to make a choice. being in love with someone is making a choice. If you want to make it work and make it better you must make it work. Your the one causing all the hurt and pain. You need to make a decision and stick with it!
giotto Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I know one thing (and this keeps me hanging in there) if i were to meet him today without all the crap from the past 20 years then i would want a relationship with him so that has to count for something. After 24 years, I would never want to marry my wife again! I wuld run in the other direction!
floridapad Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Hate to say it but Chrome barracuda is right. After the affair the MC told my wife she needed to make a choice quickly. Of course she did not so for 9 months Her and I were in limbo land which is a very bad place to be. No one moves forward and there is no healing. I could tell she did not make a choice through her actions and I was hyper sensitive to it. Your husband does deserve you but only if you can learn to forgive and make a choice to love. He must do the same. In these situations it truly is a conscience effort in the beginning but with time the feelings reappear and love is restored (so all the damn books tell me). But one thing for sure, it starts with a choice to put BOTH feet in......or out. Also, forgiveness is not something you do for the other person but for yourself. I can tell you personally it actually feels VERY good. It is the only way I have been able to maintain love for my wife and turn it into unconditional love. You may want to read a book on it if you truly think that past resentments are holding you back and not fear that there will be more of the same in the future. One more thing on forgiveness. I was able to do it through love of my wife but also through spiritual refelction. Gotta heal the soul afterall.
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