Is my marriage over?

[happylife]

[sIZE=4]Don't know where to start, but I'll give it a go! I have been with my Husband for 20 years in total, married for 10, 2 children aged 9 and 12. When I had our first child we werent married but had been together for 9 years and were engaged. My H is very career minded and thought I had got pregnant on purpose. Which i hadn't. He rejected me and although we lived together I spent most of my time staying at my Mums who gave me support whilst he had struck up a 'freindship' with a collegue and spent most of his time socialising and with her. Eventually things got better and then our next problem was that I wanted to get married(we were engaged) and he clearly did not want to. I gor so fed up that I needed to think about my future and as he couldnt decide about me,along with me still feeling resentful about before, I thought it best that we separated and started to look for a house to live in. Immediately he wanted to get married and suggested we did it within the week, I foolishly went along with this and have since regretted never having the wedding day of my dreams and once again feel resentful about me 'forcing his arm' to do it. This resentment went on over time and frequently came up in arguements. What I wanted was for him to say 'i love you and I'm sorry for the way I treated you on the birth of our child and for you having to push me into marriage'. But an apology never came, he just said get over it, I married you didnt i, of course i love you etc, but i never felt it and felt let down and regected by him. Our re;ationship has always been rocky and never great because of this, we went to mc but that didn't help the counciller just said but that's in the past but I had all hurt me deaply and had never been addressed. Then he said, "see even the counciller thinks you should move on" but he didnt ever identify with my feelings and just brushed it under the carpet. So, it gets worse, 4 years ago I find an email to the girl he spent time with when our child was born, just telling her she had made a 'big impression'at the time etc. He swears nothing happened between then, and I honestly believe him although I wonder if he would have liked it to. This ate away at me, by this time he was drinking too much and I went to bed alone. We never had sex as I was filled with resentment and because he was always drunk so that repulsed me. He clearly loves his children but is not very 'hands on' and doesnt make the time to be with then. His job means he's away so i'm alone alot of the time with then and he's not very helpful when he's here. 2 years ago I started a friendship with an old schoo; friend, this turned into a short affair. I felt liberated and wonderful to feel loved by someone and to love someone back without the resentment. My H found out, ithought my marriage was over, i panicked and begged for my husbands forgiveness. Two yearson the A is well and truely over, we are still together and he has tried his hardest to forgiveme. I feel awful for what i did to him but i know why it happened. That is not me passing the buch it's just truthful, our marriage was awful. I should have left the marriage befre the A,and i was wrong not to do so. Although we are trying to get over it he takes no resposibility for any of our past problems and now just focuses on the A. Last night he got drunk, again and shouted at me some terrible things which our children could hear, they were disgusting. He frequently gets drunk and does this, our poor children. I feel i should leave now, it's got too bad. He checks up on me all the time, forbids me to go on the internet, use my mobile when he's around, be on sites such as facebook etc, and then if he feels i have done something inappropriate, for example text a friend whilst we are on holiday or having an evening together creates an arguement. I feel i'm walking on egg shells. I was faithful for 18 years and put up with regection from him and now he's the victim. I know i did wrong to have the A but he cant keep making me pay can he? Please help, dont know what to do anymore, S x[/sIZE]

[happylife]

Thank you for your response. you are right and it's something i have given a lot of thought to just lately. I blame myself for accepting the situation and not walking away years ago, it gave me low self esteem and i should have known better. I feel at this stage i have messed up my life and my childrens and feel terribly guilty. People change, i met him when i was 19 and we have grown apart.