LucreziaBorgia Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 whew!! that's a tough stance - you must have been hurt pretty bad in the past too. Actually I was always the one doing the hurting by doing and saying nearly exactly what your girlfriend said and did to you. I had a fiance in college - stable, hard working, friendly, would have been a great father, a faithful husband, you name it. The perfect husband. I said to him nearly exactly what your girlfriend said to you when it came down to really stepping up the commitment by moving in together after college, getting married, looking for work in the town where we were going to live. On one hand I meant it - he really was a great guy. What I failed to say to him, and I wish I had said it - was that I simply didn't love him enough to stay with him, and that I was holding out for someone who I might feel more for (and yes, there was another guy in the picture by that time - we weren't together, but I knew I wanted to be with him). The hardness you see in my words isn't from me being the victim. It is from me doing the victimizing over, and over and over. I tore people up, and always with the same manipulative 'nicey-nicey' crap that so many dumpees get fed. I hate that I was not just honest. That I left them feeling just like you - loving her still, defending her - when all she did really was break up with you. If she had been honest and said "I just don't love you anymore that way, and would rather live a life without you in it" and left it at that, would your post have been different?
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 If she had been honest and said "I just don't love you anymore that way, and would rather live a life without you in it" and left it at that, would your post have been different? OP, at the end, my wife and I essentially said this to each other and I can tell you that, even at this early juncture, thoughts of her rarely enter my head, and never in any sort of a longing/missing/wondering way. Truth is a cleanser of the soul
manaja Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 folks thanks so much for all your responses but I am going to have to agree with beotch here - the woman is not a liar, she never ever has been, she is one of the most honest and honourable people I know (one reason why I love her) - for starters she travelled half the country for the sake of making sure she saw me face to face to do this when she could have done it over the phone - I know it is hard to believe in a future, but from what I have read here and elsewhere the woman needs space and time to sort her head out and I have begun the NC thing (I tried the other way once before in another relationship many years ago and that really didn't work at all and backfired on me big time) - of course i am hurt and I am grieving and I can't believe it has happened etc etc but I don't believe in this case love counts for nothing (whatever that may mean for the future) The ten years I was married to my wife , we brought up children, worked very hard , both of us, she was always someone I could count on , being ver supportive to me and my family when my father died . ..I would never of her had her down as a liar or a cheat , unfortunatley in the last 5 months we were together , she became both, we divorced 8and half years ago, she married the guy she was having an affair with, within 5 years , they were finished.. .I get on well with my ex wife, when I see her now, but it took four or five years to reach this stage or both of us, ...take off your rose tinted glasses , the rabbit burrow goes a lot deeper than you think, my ex wife gave me all the lines..."spaace , time...blamed me for not being there in an evening," Ive always worked shifts, it was nothing new...her new chap was a guy she worked with....she s just trying to let you down gently.
Thornton Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I have obviously not made myself clear enough. She thinks I would make a great father (she has seen me many times with my two neices), I am ready to commit. I have been for a long time. I have dropped many hints trying to ascertain what her feeling would be and she has never given a clear answer. From what she has told me in this break up she is not ready to give the same level of commitment that I am willing to give - she says she is panicking about the prospect of it happening. She wants to 'change' she says, whatever that means and to know that she will wake up every day for the rest of her life and be happy with her commitment. Oh, ok. Then I see one of two problems: 1) She wants to commit but isn't quite ready, and is panicking about how serious things are getting. Some people struggle with that transition from singledom to marriage and babies, particularly if they still feel youthful and aren't quite ready emotionally, despite their ticking biological clock. But since you're not putting pressure on her then I'd expect her to stay in the relationship and just postpone commitment. 2) She wants to commit but not to you. She wants marriage and babies, and a permanent relationship, but doesn't quite see it happening with you. So she's left you in order to look for someone else who she does want to commit to. This is the most likely scenario imo.
boogieboy Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 What I failed to say to him, and I wish I had said it - was that I simply didn't love him enough to stay with him, and that I was holding out for someone who I might feel more for This scenario seems to fit almost every single breakup story that has been posted on this board. This is the bottom line of it all, not matter what the other reasons are.
Gemini40onfire Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Bottom line: "She's just not that into you." She's not bitch, or a coward, but she's actually doing you a favor. Take it from a heartbreaker who knows, and who married the 'nice guy', just because he was nice, and now we're facing a divorce, because I now realize, that I was never in love with him to begin with. He was the safe choice, and I knew my Mom wanted me to get married.
mickleb Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 She's selling her conscience. Just look at the words. Reflecting upon my entire history with women, there is a truism spoken here on LS which I have determined to be very accurate: When a woman (or man) speaks negative words, believe them. When s/he speaks positive words, look for his/her actions to support those words. Apply that rule to your circumstance and reflect upon the results. Just wanted to say so sorry to the OP. I have been dealing with a similar break-up situation, where my ex was head-over-heels one day, then left me the next. It is horrible. Look after yourself. x I also wanted to thank carhill for this, however. I think this is probably the most sensible advice I've seen on here, to date. There's really no arguing with it. Partners don't tend to state their true, negative feelings towards each other, unless they really need to be heard. It is SO natural for people, when they're breaking up with someone, to try to cushion the blow with 'kind' words. IBut it is their actions that indicate where they're at. These words really helped me to face the cold truth that my ex doesn't want me. It's taken me over three weeks to even hear this.
Author bobells Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Many years ago, I was involved with an amazing man, who treated me like gold and loved me to bits. We were extremely compatible; got along great. I knew he would be a wonderful life partner and a great father, and that we could have a nice life together. All of that was true, and sincere. Then a friend asked me whether I wanted to marry this guy. And I said I didn't know for sure. Everything was fine, but when I thought about it, I really couldn't picture myself growing old with him. It was like that picture was out of focus. We never really talked about it though, because it seemed illogical. We loved each other, right? So I didn't even have the excuse of "falling out of love" with the guy. But I knew it wasn't right. Deep down, it wasn't what I wanted. I struggled with that for a long time, because I really wanted to feel differently. I wanted to feel 100% committed. And I just didn't. It's hard to break up with someone in a situation like this, because there are no answers, and the person you're breaking up with deserves answers. So I told him some things that, while true, didn't have much to do with my decision to leave. What I'm trying to say, since you asked for insight, is that it is possible to have a good relationship with someone you care about and love and respect, and still have it end for reasons that don't make sense. I don't know if that's true in your case, but I don't think her decision to leave is any reflection on what you had together. For me, it just wasn't enough to go the distance. This has perfectly described the end of this relationship - what surprises me is that at 34 there no guaranteee now that she will find the right man to be the father of her children. I have just returned from a trip to see my brother and sister-in-law and she (having known the woman in question) is really surprised this woman has left the relationship because my ex was always going on and on about how proud she was of me and always seemed so genuinely into me in so many ways. However, she does believe the biological clock has kicked in and sent my ex 'haywire' and the result is that she does not see herself with me as we stand at present. I believe it has also presented me with the opportunity to improve myself - I am aware that perhaps my ex did not see me as enough of a 'provider' and as such i need to get into a situation whereby i can provide security in the future if i am ever going to be with another woman (be it this woman in question or another) and become a father.
Author bobells Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 does[/b] want to commit to. This is the most likely scenario imo. I also believe this may be sadly true - this really sucks and I find it very hard to believe in my heart. Somehwere in me there is still faith in what we had together only so very recently. I mean a really great companionship, with the same ideals, goals, aims. Is it possible that a woman can have found everything in a man but if his financial circumstances are currently no secure she may well start looking elsewhere for someone who is financially stable if she wants children? because in essence that is/was the only breaker in this issue.
mickleb Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I also believe this may be sadly true - this really sucks and I find it very hard to believe in my heart. Somehwere in me there is still faith in what we had together only so very recently. I mean a really great companionship, with the same ideals, goals, aims. Is it possible that a woman can have found everything in a man but if his financial circumstances are currently no secure she may well start looking elsewhere for someone who is financially stable if she wants children? because in essence that is/was the only breaker in this issue. I'm financially independent and not materialistic, so this isn't a priority for me but, surely bobells, this is a rhetorical question? It sounds as though your ex is financially motivated (she seems very commited to her job and was happy to have a LDR, due to this commitment). I presume she felt you were not matched well in this area? I want to let you know, too, that I have been defending my ex for weeks on here but am now feeling quite angry at how he has abandoned me. You will defend her, you will need to justify the heartbreak you're experiencing to yourself but you will be able to view what has happened with more clarity as the long days pass. Again, I'm so sorry for what has happened to you.
mimiminx Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I agree with Beeotech.. back off and watch and wait. No contact on your part for a month at least I agree, that's what I am doing in my situation. I believe my significant other panicked and freaked out as well (turning 30)... yes, basically she did break it off with you, BUT if you give her the time and space that she asked for, it can never be a bad idea. I know you want to fight for it, I feel the same in my situation. I have not contacted my boyfriend of 2 years (who felt "pressured" as well, or whatever:rolleyes:) for two weeks since he left. He contacted me last night through a sappy email to which I didn't respond and am not going to. It is like having to play a little game, but trust me, back off completely (at least for one month) and you will see what happens. You may just get the answer you want. If she figures things out and she does love you and it's meant to be, it will. If she doesn't, then you're better off without her. Let her find out what it's like to not have you. That's when the truth comes out.
disarm_1 Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 bobells: about 2 and a half weeks ago my gf of 3yrs left me. Her reasons are almost identical as yours. She included the part where she told me I was perfect in every way and so on. She wanted to be on her own. From the time she was 16 she had only had a few months of being single. She's 23. She just wanted to experience being on her own and not depending on a guy or having one depend on her. She said "i feel like you're perfect for me, but we met at the wrong time in my life." Now all this was a total shock to me. We had just come back from a trip celebrating our 3yr anniversary. We had an understanding that neither one of us wanted marriage or kids any time soon. We honestly talked about what we wanted in life at the beginning of our relationship and after that we never addressed marriage or kids. So it's not like I was pressuring her. i was devastated (still am) but I couldn't be mad at her. How could I? She's doing what she thinks will make her happy and make her a better person. Seems like your ex might be thinking the same way. It's heart breaking that we're not a part of that. On the other hand they could stay to make us happy and sacrifice what they really want. I've read a lot of opinions since then. talked to friends, coworkers, etc. Many understand where she's coming from, others say "she's found someone else, she was just saying you were perfect to soften the blow". Was the "you're perfect" or "we're soulmates" stuff meant to soften the blow. Yep. She's been with you for years and it wasn't easy on her either. We're the ones being forced to do something we don't want to do but that doesn't mean it was easy on them. they don't want to hurt our feelings but there's no other way. So of course they'll try to soften the blow. Anyways after hearing "she's found someone else" from people I started to believe it. It made me angry, it made me depressed. I figured it was the only thing that made sense. Why else would she have done it all of a sudden. I kept thinking about it more and more and now I'm at the stage I'm at today. Only my ex and I knew the inner workings of our relationship. Only you and your ex know yours. You know her better than anyone on this board and any one you've told about the break up. So just follow your gut. My gf gave me 3 amazing years. I've grown more in those 3yrs than ever before. i feel like I owe so much to her. On top of that she made a very shy person like myself feel comfortable from day 1. She showed someone like me who trusts no one to let my guard down some and allow people in. I trust her. I've never doubted her. She never gave me reason to. So what I'm saying is that why some people might think that she met someone else, only i know her and I don't have reason to doubt her so I'll take her word. Did she ever give reason to doubt her? Did you ever suspect she might be cheating on you? I might be totally wrong. My ex might very well have found someone. i can't let something i don't know eat at me though.
Tayla Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Read these post from beginning to end. Takes guts to come on here and express a situation. To some posters: Learn empathy, practice humility and lastly -the person on the other side of the computer is real and deserves regard. (Unless they are your ex *wink*) To the poster. Correct to be confused. Correct to step back. And its absolutely correct to make your own decisions. No one here can walk in your shoes.
PinkToes Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Read these post from beginning to end. Takes guts to come on here and express a situation. To some posters: Learn empathy, practice humility and lastly -the person on the other side of the computer is real and deserves regard. (Unless they are your ex *wink*) To the poster. Correct to be confused. Correct to step back. And its absolutely correct to make your own decisions. No one here can walk in your shoes. Can't argue with the importance of empathy, though I'm sure I sometimes forget to be kind. And I have noticed that I'm a little more impersonal and a little less supportive than I may have been when I was in the depths of heartbreak myself. However I've also noticed that in general, posters who come on and say, "my bf/gf left me 3 hours ago and I want to die" will get a gentler response than those (such as this OP) who seem to be doing OK but are looking for insight.
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