bobells Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Okay this is the scenario as brief as I can make it. Up until 2 days ago i was the partner of a lovely, sweet, level-headed, 34 year old woman. We had been together for 4 years. Over the past 6 months we have had some considerable geographic distance due to each others jobs but we have made a great deal of effort and visited each other regularly. Everything in our relationship seemed great: we loved each others company, were still intimate etc etc. So 2 days ago she announces that she cannot carry on because she is panicked by feelings surrounding the possibility of marriage/babies (not that i have ever put pressure on her here), she wants to know she is going to be with someone for the rest of her life, but by the same token feels she cannot match the commitment I have evidently made to the relationship. She wants to be able to give more and more not less and less AND YET she still loves me, still finds me attractive, believes i am an amazing man and feels that we have had a truly fantastic relationship. She also claims i am her best friend and soulmate. Despite this she has broken up with me. We got together yesterday to discuss and she was very upset, crying a heck of a lot and yet her mind is made up. She also reassured me there was no-one else (which I knew anyway, there was never any indication of that at any time between us). Can anyone tell me what is going on? I believe (as she does) that what we had was very good and very special. Thank you
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Listen to none of her words, and pay attention to one thing and one thing only. She broke up with you. The rest is "blah blah blah blah" designed to make it 'easier' on you and to make herself look like less of a bitch, and to make sure you will stay on as a possible back burner candidate. She is in the market for an upgrade, if she hasn't already lined up a candidate. They can be pretty convincing with that "no one else" bullsh*t. They have to be in order to keep things civil for themselves. I can tell you this. Women her age in fantastic and wonderful relationships don't walk away from them for the privilege of being single. If they walk, regardless of what they say you can bet the farm that there is something they aren't telling you and in most cases, what they aren't telling you is that they are letting go of your vine and reaching out for that one that seems more promising.
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Yeah, what LB said and just think how long she's been bla, bla'ing you. Ouch
CaliGuy Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Okay this is the scenario as brief as I can make it. Up until 2 days ago i was the partner of a lovely, sweet, level-headed, 34 year old woman. We had been together for 4 years. Over the past 6 months we have had some considerable geographic distance due to each others jobs but we have made a great deal of effort and visited each other regularly. Everything in our relationship seemed great: we loved each others company, were still intimate etc etc. So 2 days ago she announces that she cannot carry on because she is panicked by feelings surrounding the possibility of marriage/babies (not that i have ever put pressure on her here), she wants to know she is going to be with someone for the rest of her life, but by the same token feels she cannot match the commitment I have evidently made to the relationship. She wants to be able to give more and more not less and less AND YET she still loves me, still finds me attractive, believes i am an amazing man and feels that we have had a truly fantastic relationship. She also claims i am her best friend and soulmate. Despite this she has broken up with me. We got together yesterday to discuss and she was very upset, crying a heck of a lot and yet her mind is made up. She also reassured me there was no-one else (which I knew anyway, there was never any indication of that at any time between us). Can anyone tell me what is going on? I believe (as she does) that what we had was very good and very special. Thank you Mid life crisis. If I were you (and I hope you listen to me), GIVE HER SPACE. Disappear for a while. Don't pressure her. Let her see what life is like without you. If you beg, plead or otherwise try and make her stay you will CAGE HER into the relationship and her NATURAL reaction to this will be to RUN AWAY FROM YOU. Got me? The best thing you can do right now is to back off. When someone backs away from you the natural reaction we all have is to pull them closer when pulling away in the same fashion is what works best to get them to come around (if they ever do). Trust me on this. Read "Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson) for a much more clear description of her behavior.
boogieboy Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Yes and when you back off, dont make it easy for her to contact you. She wanted to keep you on the backburner, dont let her think she can copntact you whenever she wants. In fact you shouldnt let her contact you for at least a month unless she sincerely changes her mind. Dont let her bullshyt you with anything she says. She needs to say those things to help alleviate some guilt in her mind. If you keep talking to her, she will think you are ok with her dumping you for her lies.
Angelo_28 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 "Space, the final frontier. We are the voyager of the Starship MANKIND. Our continueing mission - to explore our strange women. To seek out thier minds and our relations...to boldly go were no man has gone before!" This should be the opening line in Freud book of psychology for women! They always want "space". It shouldn't have to be so hard...if you love someone, then give it your all...if not move on. But I know what your saying and I understand your mind-set cause im currently in the same boat as you my friend...don't lose hope, juist give her the space she needs and one day she'll wake up.
boogieboy Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 "Space, the final frontier. We are the voyager of the Starship MANKIND. Our continueing mission - to explore our strange women. To seek out thier minds and our relations...to boldly go were no man has gone before!" This should be the opening line in Freud book of psychology for women! They always want "space". It shouldn't have to be so hard...if you love someone, then give it your all...if not move on. But I know what your saying and I understand your mind-set cause im currently in the same boat as you my friend...don't lose hope, juist give her the space she needs and one day she'll wake up. Sorry if you werent told already Angelo, "space" only means shes breaking up with you the cowardly way.
Angelo_28 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Ohhh I know buddy....believe you me! But sometimes, as in my case...they really just need time alone to figure **** out...it's your choice to stay in contact or not, every situation and relationship is unique and only you can decide what best for yourself and the relationship.
Danielle46 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Not always true BoogieBoy. Sometimes, regardless of your gender, as a human you need time to yourself. I am not defending her by any means...but sometimes it's too harsh and too far of a leap to assume that she's just dumping him on the street and walking away... ...and yes, "space" can be a way of escaping while attempting to seem like a "better" person...I dont doubt this is a possible avenue... but let's not be so harsh... None of us on here can possibly understand the entire capacity of people's stories. The best we can do is offer a little of our time to provide comfort and a little taste of reality. I have received opinions/advice from people on here, (they seemed real confident) and it ended up being the complete opposite of what they said. I applaud you for stating your opinion...but sometimes, it can be a bit too harsh. Let's not crush the hopes of people, that doesn't help....the point is to inject a little reality into their situation so that they can begin to view their experience from all angles. Angelo, let things play out. Just try your best to do the NC thing and take everything day by day. That's all one can do in a situation like this...you can't dwell on the past or foresee the future. Live in the present and enjoy the moments as best as you can. Don't be afraid to become weak, to cry, to get angry...it's all a natural part of the healing process. Focus on yourself right now and what you need...surround yourself with people who love and support you. Try your best to have fun and smile...even if it's just for a little while. Write happy poems...when you're having a good moment, write about it...that way you can read it and remind yourself that not every day is gloomy and bleak. Write about your family and your friends...let's infuse some happy times into your poems. You have a talent, and let's attempt to utilize it outside of just "her". Wishing you the best! Take care :-)
BW007 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 same thing happened to me... Got dumped for a better deal and less than 5 months later she is pregnant by another guy.. It hurts like hell.. I think 34 is when the biological clock becomes a timebomb, That is how old my girl was too.. Run for the hills,there is so much going on that she will NEVER tell you. GET OUT while you can.
PinkToes Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Listen to none of her words, and pay attention to one thing and one thing only. She broke up with you. The rest is "blah blah blah blah" designed to make it 'easier' on you and to make herself look like less of a bitch, and to make sure you will stay on as a possible back burner candidate. She is in the market for an upgrade, if she hasn't already lined up a candidate. They can be pretty convincing with that "no one else" bullsh*t. They have to be in order to keep things civil for themselves. I can tell you this. Women her age in fantastic and wonderful relationships don't walk away from them for the privilege of being single. If they walk, regardless of what they say you can bet the farm that there is something they aren't telling you and in most cases, what they aren't telling you is that they are letting go of your vine and reaching out for that one that seems more promising. I agree. I'm surprised she didn't say you were too nice, which is also a nice cover story but rarely the truth.
boogieboy Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Thats just the way I respond Danielle, Im harsh, and Im a realist. So get used to it. Ive been on this board alot longer than you, and giving people false hope is the worst thing you can do. You have to give them reality, and they are appreciative for it. Because the alternative is to be strung along for months of stomach churning torture. With the stories posted on this board, people have never needed to figure things out for themselves. Its always the same thing. The dumper says they need space, but it was just a cowardly way to breakup with the dumpee, and then the dumpee finds out that the dumper had someone new lined up, or they just got sick of the dumpee. So you can dish out false hope, you think youre helping people, but youre really hurting them. You'll see that soon enough hanging around here.
Beeotch Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 She is having her own personal crisis.... This sort of reminds me of my ex. I have learned that while hard not to take things personal, sometimes it is NOT about us but about this other person. They aren't always liars, cheats, have fallen out of love but are too coward to say it etc but sometimes people do feel overwhelmed, anxious, confused etc and ofcourse it is reflected in their relationship. She seemed honest. Seems like she told you the truth. You can't force her to not have these feelings...as I am sure, she would perhaps choose not to have them if it were that easy. You just have to respect her decision and kind of be there for her on the sidelines. I know that No Contact is great to get over someone...but I do think situations vary and if your partner is going through an emotional crisis where they panic and break things off...I think as someone who loves this person you should be able to see outside of rash decisions. Now this doesn't mean to smother her, chase her down, question her...but simply be there. Make it known that you're around if she needs to talk, that you are still here, that you understand..... Ofcourse you're not gonna sit idly by waiting for her....but I think you should trust your feelings and if you love her don't just say see ya! Let the ball be in her court but handle it gently as well...and just view her as being in her own emotional crisis. Give it time and see what happens...with time you will be able to see what direction this is taking, if she was just panicked but back to normal, if she is no longer interested etc...you can feel/tell these things so watch and wait.
Beeotch Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Listen to none of her words, and pay attention to one thing and one thing only. She broke up with you. The rest is "blah blah blah blah" designed to make it 'easier' on you and to make herself look like less of a bitch, and to make sure you will stay on as a possible back burner candidate. She is in the market for an upgrade, if she hasn't already lined up a candidate. They can be pretty convincing with that "no one else" bullsh*t. They have to be in order to keep things civil for themselves. I can tell you this. Women her age in fantastic and wonderful relationships don't walk away from them for the privilege of being single. If they walk, regardless of what they say you can bet the farm that there is something they aren't telling you and in most cases, what they aren't telling you is that they are letting go of your vine and reaching out for that one that seems more promising. That is definitely not true....no matter what age you are...sorry life is not always simple. People go through moments of uncertainty where even they themselves are confused about things. That is the complexity of human lives and relationships. Things are not always simple and clear and straightforward. Everyone is not a liar who is secretly looking for someone else. Even in marriage....people who have been married for years go through rough periods where things are not good, they are not happy, the trials of life take a toll and they aren't themselves. That is where communication and understanding come in....knowing that things are not always what they seem and that sometimes people go through spells of emotional uncertainty for whatever reason and sometimes it can be waited out and then it passes...
Beeotch Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Not always true BoogieBoy. Sometimes, regardless of your gender, as a human you need time to yourself. I am not defending her by any means...but sometimes it's too harsh and too far of a leap to assume that she's just dumping him on the street and walking away... ...and yes, "space" can be a way of escaping while attempting to seem like a "better" person...I dont doubt this is a possible avenue... but let's not be so harsh... None of us on here can possibly understand the entire capacity of people's stories. The best we can do is offer a little of our time to provide comfort and a little taste of reality. I have received opinions/advice from people on here, (they seemed real confident) and it ended up being the complete opposite of what they said. I applaud you for stating your opinion...but sometimes, it can be a bit too harsh. Let's not crush the hopes of people, that doesn't help....the point is to inject a little reality into their situation so that they can begin to view their experience from all angles. Angelo, let things play out. Just try your best to do the NC thing and take everything day by day. That's all one can do in a situation like this...you can't dwell on the past or foresee the future. Live in the present and enjoy the moments as best as you can. Don't be afraid to become weak, to cry, to get angry...it's all a natural part of the healing process. Focus on yourself right now and what you need...surround yourself with people who love and support you. Try your best to have fun and smile...even if it's just for a little while. Write happy poems...when you're having a good moment, write about it...that way you can read it and remind yourself that not every day is gloomy and bleak. Write about your family and your friends...let's infuse some happy times into your poems. You have a talent, and let's attempt to utilize it outside of just "her". Wishing you the best! Take care :-) Ditto.... I think it is quite arrogant to assess a situation and be so sure of yourself as having the correct answer esp when you cannot see the full picture. Let's face it....we can give our general experiences and what we THINK is going on...but none of us know for a fact so let it be your 2 cents not your fact about the lives and inner workings of people you do not know. At the end of the day though, each poster has to be smart and take each piece of advice with a grain of salt. Look at their situation and make a decision for themselves....one that feels true to them and what it going on. No one should come on here and run off with any advice as a prescription. U know yourself and your partner and all the variables in your situation more than any of us do...so pick and choose and goodluck!
Author bobells Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 folks thanks so much for all your responses but I am going to have to agree with beotch here - the woman is not a liar, she never ever has been, she is one of the most honest and honourable people I know (one reason why I love her) - for starters she travelled half the country for the sake of making sure she saw me face to face to do this when she could have done it over the phone - I know it is hard to believe in a future, but from what I have read here and elsewhere the woman needs space and time to sort her head out and I have begun the NC thing (I tried the other way once before in another relationship many years ago and that really didn't work at all and backfired on me big time) - of course i am hurt and I am grieving and I can't believe it has happened etc etc but I don't believe in this case love counts for nothing (whatever that may mean for the future)
Beeotch Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 folks thanks so much for all your responses but I am going to have to agree with beotch here - the woman is not a liar, she never ever has been, she is one of the most honest and honourable people I know (one reason why I love her) - for starters she travelled half the country for the sake of making sure she saw me face to face to do this when she could have done it over the phone - I know it is hard to believe in a future, but from what I have read here and elsewhere the woman needs space and time to sort her head out and I have begun the NC thing (I tried the other way once before in another relationship many years ago and that really didn't work at all and backfired on me big time) - of course i am hurt and I am grieving and I can't believe it has happened etc etc but I don't believe in this case love counts for nothing (whatever that may mean for the future) Yep...space and time can't hurt. I think many would like to advocate to just completely turn your back on her, ignore her and pretend she never existed...but I do not believe you need to do that. In some break-ups esp the messy ones where it clear that these people are not confused or upset about it...then yes, run for the hills and do not look back. But in other cases, a bit of understanding and patience works a lot better than simply running away. If ever I become confused, dazed, enter an emotional crisis where I push my partner away...but I still do love him...I would hope he would not give up on me and what we have and just go NC and erase me from his life when I might need his support the most. As a woman I can TELL YOU...I wold hope that this man would stand by me and give me moral support and still love me and still wait on me.I would hope that he would not discard me as a waste of time. Because lets face it...in certain cases it is best to work on what you have if it is otherwise good...versus going out there to someone new who may be worst or no different. No relationship is going to be perfect...esp with time and life's trials...so it is best to sometimes at least TRY to salvage what you have instead of thinking oh well I'll just find someone new....we have to know and decide for ourselves though when our relationship is worth it, and when it is not. As I said...of course you are not going to sit idly by and you have to protect yourself too. But love takes work on BOTH sides and sometimes one partner has to be the stronger one when the other is weak....if both people run away because they are afraid of hurt (which to be truthful in SOME cases NC is avoiding too...running away because we're scared of being hurt) then NO relationship will work out. But in most lasting relationships...sometimes one person has to be strong, one person has to be patient, has to take the risk etc.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 T With the stories posted on this board, people have never needed to figure things out for themselves. Its always the same thing. The dumper says they need space, but it was just a cowardly way to breakup with the dumpee, and then the dumpee finds out that the dumper had someone new lined up, or they just got sick of the dumpee. So you can dish out false hope, you think youre helping people, but youre really hurting them. You'll see that soon enough hanging around here. I've seen it so many times it isn't funny. I don't think I've seen a story yet on here that didn't turn out that way to some extent. You get a thread like this one, and then a couple of months later you get the "I found out she was seeing someone else" or "How did she move on so fast after a month" etc. It isn't a rote thing that people say here. It is based on the enormity of the posts that nearly invariably turn out to be exactly like one expected they would. Bottom line: when someone dumps you, it doesn't matter why. The only thing that thinking about motivations will do is mess you up further. The only thing that should be listened to or payed attention to are the words "I am breaking up with you". I wish more people would stop feeding the dumpees all of this sugar coated "you are so wonderful" crap and just say what they need to say and be done with it. If you love someone, and I mean really and truly love them and are in love with them - you don't dump them because you love them. You dump them because you DON'T. Dumping someone = you don't love them enough to want them in your life. Period. The way I see it, the simplest way to deal with a dumper is to stop them before they can lob any more well meaning bombs in your direction and say: "You are dumping me, I get it - now f*ck off and never speak to me again". And then, go and find someone who won't rip your heart out and stomp on it while saying nice and pretty words designed to keep you from feeling the anger that you should feel when you get dumped. My sig line says it all, basically. I am hard as a rock when it comes to stuff like this. "Time", "space", "mid life crises" - all excuses. Just another way to detract from the fact that you are breaking someone's heart to suit your own needs.
Author bobells Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I've seen it so many times it isn't funny. I don't think I've seen a story yet on here that didn't turn out that way to some extent. You get a thread like this one, and then a couple of months later you get the "I found out she was seeing someone else" or "How did she move on so fast after a month" etc. Bottom line: when someone dumps you, it doesn't matter why. The only thing that thinking about motivations will do is mess you up further. The only thing that should be listened to or payed attention to are the words "I am breaking up with you". whew!! that's a tough stance - you must have been hurt pretty bad in the past too. well for one thing I don't believe there is someone else - we have been far too close for that and I would have known - besides I asked her outright when we met and I KNOW she wasn't lying, I could see it in her whole being. as for moving on - well, accepted that may well happen sooner than I would like. but there are plenty of people who DO get back together - I know at least 2 couples who went through hell and still got back together (one couple married, the other soon to be) and this despite dumpings and supposed endings -explain that one However, I do hear what you are saying about the words 'I am breaking up with you' - you're right that they have to be heard and taken for what they are at this stage and I am not denying them
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I know at least 2 couples who went through hell and still got back together (one couple married, the other soon to be) and this despite dumpings and supposed endings -explain that one The important part there was who dumped who and how old they are. IME, with just over 50 years on the planet, I can't think of one circumstance, one friend, one acquaintance, one business colleague, where the woman dumped the man (left him physically, divorced him, etc, where she was the positive force) where the couple got back together in any healthy way. Yes, marriages and relationships of convenience might continue (financial security, children, etc) but I'm talking healthy, loving and intimate relationships here. A mature person doesn't run away from their partner when they hit a rough patch. They work through it together. Re-reading the OP, I can see signs in her language of her intent. The OP was such a good catch she was having to reach for things to justify her actions that clearly make no sense to an outsider. She's going to be with 'someone' the rest of her life. She's agonizing over marriage and babies that the OP apparently has never pressured her about at all. Remember, she's 34 here. Give more and more, not less and less....bla, bla. Sounds like a sales pitch. OP, I'm a man, a man going through a relatively amicable divorce, a man who had over a year of MC with my wife. Hope if you must, but be realistic. Perhaps you may reunited at some future point in life. Good on ya if you do. Here's the thing. Life is short. It might end for you tomorrow. I've done the waiting thing. It's over-rated. Live your life for you and share it with someone who wants to be with you. That isn't her, right here, right now. It's not. Best wishes
Author bobells Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Re-reading the OP, I can see signs in her language of her intent. The OP was such a good catch she was having to reach for things to justify her actions that clearly make no sense to an outsider. She's going to be with 'someone' the rest of her life. She's agonizing over marriage and babies that the OP apparently has never pressured her about at all. Remember, she's 34 here. Give more and more, not less and less....bla, bla. Sounds like a sales pitch. Thanks for this. I hear ya - what intent do you see? a sales pitch for what? Are you saying she was trying to give me clues to something I should have picked up on?
carhill Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 She's selling her conscience. Just look at the words. Reflecting upon my entire history with women, there is a truism spoken here on LS which I have determined to be very accurate: When a woman (or man) speaks negative words, believe them. When s/he speaks positive words, look for his/her actions to support those words. Apply that rule to your circumstance and reflect upon the results.
Thornton Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Dumping someone = you don't love them enough to want them in your life. Period. Never a truer word was spoken. People will give you all kinds of crappy explanations as to why they're dumping you, how it's not your fault etc, but when it comes down to it they simply don't love you enough to want you in their life. The only exception to this rule that I can think of is if the old biological clock begins to tick and you don't appear to be prepared to commit, a woman may start looking elsewhere for a husband and baby daddy. I'll tell you what was going through my mind when I dumped one of my exes. I thought: I'm at the age where I want to settle down... do I really want to settle down with this guy? (Answer: No) Is this guy ever going to ask me to marry him or want a baby with me? (Answer: Not in the foreseeable future) Well if he isn't the one for me then I'd better stop wasting my limited time and start looking for someone suitable to marry and have kids with (Solution: dump bf and date someone else). The lady in question here is obviously thinking about marriage and kids and a long-term relationship (understandable given her age) - so either she doesn't love you enough to want to marry you, or she thinks you're unsuitable as a husband and baby daddy, or maybe she just thinks you're unwilling to commit (possible since you say you haven't mentioned it to her).
Author bobells Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 The lady in question here is obviously thinking about marriage and kids and a long-term relationship (understandable given her age) - so either she doesn't love you enough to want to marry you, or she thinks you're unsuitable as a husband and baby daddy, or maybe she just thinks you're unwilling to commit (possible since you say you haven't mentioned it to her). I have obviously not made myself clear enough. She thinks I would make a great father (she has seen me many times with my two neices), I am ready to commit. I have been for a long time. I have dropped many hints trying to ascertain what her feeling would be and she has never given a clear answer. From what she has told me in this break up she is not ready to give the same level of commitment that I am willing to give - she says she is panicking about the prospect of it happening. She wants to 'change' she says, whatever that means and to know that she will wake up every day for the rest of her life and be happy with her commitment. The problem has been that she has been pursuing a career that takes her all over the country for periods of time and hasn't herself committed to settling, in fact I know that she has no intentions to settle yet because she is already looking for her next posting after her current one finishes in three months time.
PinkToes Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Many years ago, I was involved with an amazing man, who treated me like gold and loved me to bits. We were extremely compatible; got along great. I knew he would be a wonderful life partner and a great father, and that we could have a nice life together. All of that was true, and sincere. Then a friend asked me whether I wanted to marry this guy. And I said I didn't know for sure. Everything was fine, but when I thought about it, I really couldn't picture myself growing old with him. It was like that picture was out of focus. We never really talked about it though, because it seemed illogical. We loved each other, right? So I didn't even have the excuse of "falling out of love" with the guy. But I knew it wasn't right. Deep down, it wasn't what I wanted. I struggled with that for a long time, because I really wanted to feel differently. I wanted to feel 100% committed. And I just didn't. It's hard to break up with someone in a situation like this, because there are no answers, and the person you're breaking up with deserves answers. So I told him some things that, while true, didn't have much to do with my decision to leave. What I'm trying to say, since you asked for insight, is that it is possible to have a good relationship with someone you care about and love and respect, and still have it end for reasons that don't make sense. I don't know if that's true in your case, but I don't think her decision to leave is any reflection on what you had together. For me, it just wasn't enough to go the distance.
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