impossibledreams Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Hi All..... Well this is my first time posting on an internet forum.....I notice most of the comments are about guy/girl relationships...but this is about a gay one. I was delivered the words "I love you but am not in love with you" from my partner at the weekend....and really need advice as I'm in a bit of a confused state at the moment. Here is the history/background of our relationship. We have been in relationship for 7 years....and when we first met we hit it off straight away. 2 years later we moved in together. As per normal in the course of the relationship we had our ups and downs (I had problems with Jealously etc) but we always got through it. About 2 years ago I secured a high paid and excellent job in another City...we discussed it and agreed that though it would be a sacrifice (Away from home 4-5 days at time) we could do it. We found it difficult at the start and I must admit I found it tired me out with a 6 hour travel between place of work and home. I was working very hard...and came home exhausted...spent my first day off being lazy and not doing anything with my partner (simply eating dinner and a bottle of wine) in front on the TV...and then bed (often saying....we'll make love another night) We still went with the fact that the sacrifices were worth it...... Scroll on 2 years and this is the latest...... About 3 months ago I noticed changes in his behaviour...he became snappy and annoyed at things I did (e.g when we went shopping...and I starting browsing and looking at things...he would get annoyed) Another thing is when he chats to me.....he sometimes puts on a fake yawn when he talks (hard to describe) I suspected something funny was going on...so I checked his cell phone bill....and discovered a number which he was sending a number of texts too....he caught me looking and got mad and accused me of not trusting him. When I asked who it was he said it was a female work colleague and showed me her number in his cell phone phonebook. I believed him and we had a conversation that things need to change.....the days went on but still noticed a difference in his behaviour. One night he said he was going out for a work party......and he normally contacts me/texts me to tell him hes home safe and sound. This night he didn't. Next day I called him and he said he was in bed at 1am. When I checked the cell phone bill I saw texts were sent to the "female" work colleague at 3am. I thought....oh she was at the party too must have been a "did you get home text" but I suspected something and called the number......and my worst fears were released.....a guy answered! I said nothing and hung up. I rang my boyfriend immediately and asked what was going on. Silence for 2 minutes... he then said it was a guy (who I know off) and they were friends and he was feeling lonely and it was nice to get attention and that is was only texts. As I was at work.....I did the 6 hour thing back home to chat things through. My Partner denied seeing this guy for a drink, meeting etc and that it was only a texting thing...where he enjoyed getting attention etc from this other guy. We had a long talk about our issues and agree to try and get over this. I obviously had doubts in my mind...and started looking for more evidence....it didn't take long until I discovered another yahoo email account with several emails between the two of them about meeting up. I confronted my partner...and he admitted that they had met etc and "fooled around" and that he was sorry. He said that the when I initially discovered the texts he contacted the other guy and told him it had to finish. I said that if he wanted our relationship to survive he would need to cease all contact with this person. He (we) crafted an email explaining this to the other guy- which was met with a nasty return email...saying that he has heard this before....yet we still S**g in your bed (Turns out my partner was telling the truth about trying to finish it the first time) But the other guy kept wanting to meet to "chat" things over....and this is when the affair started again. My partner says that he found the affair exciting and the other guy lavished praise on him and affection, but that he knows it was wrong. I said we can't change what has happened in the past...but we will work on the future. He said he felt like I was controlling him (in terms of his friends- jealously) I love him and although some of my friends think I am a doormat....I see things differently. I commited to him that I will change things like jealously etc I honestly and sincerly believe the affair is over and all contact has ceased with this other guy. One month on and things trundled along...I had lots of questions about the affair....and he sometimes would get annoyed and tired at me asking all the time. But I had to get it clear in my mind. We had sex/made love 4 times but it wasn't smooth flowing and passionate. I got frustrated at this and told him I was unhappy and started comparing myself to the other guy. This annoyed him....but I said it takes time to get over an affair and that things will improve as I learn to trust him again. I took a month off work and we have been with each other 24/7 since then (not sure if this was a good thing) but it helped me. This weekend...like I said at the outset...I said to him I was thinking about giving up my job and moving back home to get another one so we can be closer. As the conversation continued then came the "I love you....but not in love with you" line. I was really upset....as was he.....we had a long and emotional talks over the course of the weekend. We went out for dinner on Saturday night and had a few drinks...followed by more talking. On Sunday he said that he had such a good night (minus no sex) and that he was confused He hugs and holds my hand etc which is very confusing. A mutual friend suggested time apart to "clear our heads" We have agreed that....with no contact. As off today I'm currently in an hotel and just tonight I got a text saying "I know I'm not suppose to text you....I hope you are ok" which I didn't reply too. Sorry I rambled on for so long, but any advice comments would be appreciated? As I said the affair is over....but is it a case of he has see the greener grass on the other side and wants out....or is it a case that he wanted out anyway and used the affair as an escape route? I know many will say only he knows the answer to this...but I'm so confused and just would like some support. Thanks for reading.
silic0ntoad Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Hey man, love is love, regardless if it is gay or straight. Look, in all honesty, if someone wants to use an affair as an escape route- they will keep it going. In all sincerety, you need to stand up for yourself. I loved my partner, as did you, but at some points in time, there is little you can do but accept it for what it is. I would have agreed that he was doing it just to get it out of his system, but to do it again after being caught speaks volumes of his character. It's been 74 days of NC for me, and while I feel better, I am still confused. Only time will heal those wounds. As for the grass being greener, that's all BS. The grass is the same on both sides and everyone knows that. This person saw something in you that made him commit to you in the first place, and that reason is still there. Sometimes it takes you ripping his support out from under him to make him realize it. Good luck, and keep us updated.
Author impossibledreams Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Hi silic0ntoad Thanks for replying....and thanks for other who read. I moved back into the house after 1 week in a hotel. We have had several long chats (some good, some heated) about the whole situation. Off the affair, he has said that it itself is not his reason for the whole "I love you, not in love with you" thing....but that the affair highlighted where things that went wrong with the relationship in the past and which never got resolved namely....... 1. Because I'm too controlling with regard to his friends etc 2. Things that I do annoy him (petty things like not washing up etc) .....Essentially everything built up and these are the things that he says have lead to him not being "in Love" with me. I re-raised the affair because part of me believes that he has....... and I quote from the early days when affair was discovered "I enjoyed the attention and there was NO BAGGAGE".....seen this other life which on the outside is hassle free, going out for drinks everynight etc etc and compares that to our life which as you can imagine at the moment is pretty dull, and in the past had issues which were never resolved. He said that this is not the case....and that in his head is not comparing the two off us. I then asked why things in the bedroom evaporated since the affair begun....he has said that the affair has contributed to it. So to be honest things are a bit messy at the moment!!!!! I have too begun asking myself (well I know) that there are other guys out there who 1. Could love me 2. Not cheat on me But then I think I don't want another guy, I want my current one. He says he is really confused as well and is scared/does not have faith that when it comes to the issues, namely my controlling of him with regard to his friends etc that I will change. I have stated that yes I was controlling in the past, but can change this. (I want to as I have been controlling in the past and accept that this is wrong.) He said he loves attention from people/friends () and my response that is does he knows the boundaries between friends and sleeping with them?? He says he has learned the boundary and will never cross it. I'm getting to the stage now where I'm getting fed up of waiting for him to make his decision. I have told him that I'm confused as well because I don't want to pressure him into a decision but I don't want to keep going on in this state. On one hand he has said that we have a connection that we can build a relationship on but on the other he is saying that "there maybe is too much history (unresolved) " to get through.........so I am wondering why can't the "bullet be bitten" or can he not bring himself to say that we're done?!!
CaliGuy Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I'm not going to read that entire thing. I will simply say that "I love you but I am not IN love with you" simply means that he cares about you as a person but doesn't see you in a romantic light anymore. In other words, let him go and find someone else.
silic0ntoad Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Well, what I can say is this- this guy has changed. People change. You don't want his cheating self. You want who he WAS. The sooner you realise this, the easier it will be to accept and move on. 1. He cheated. He who cheats will cheat again. 2. He lost feelings. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't want them? 3. He used a cliche load of sh*t excuse. I wouldn't wait for his decision. You need to take matters into your hands, and stand up for yourself. You DON'T deserve this treatment. And advise him, he is a cheating di*k and you want someone faithful. Also, advise him, HE CHEATED. You have every RIGHT to be controlling, for at least a while. He would have to EARN your trust. Not the other way around.
Taucher Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds pretty text-book to me. My thoughts: I said we can't change what has happened in the past...but we will work on the future. He said he felt like I was controlling him (in terms of his friends- jealously) I love him and although some of my friends think I am a doormat....I see things differently. I commited to him that I will change things like jealously etc I got frustrated at this and told him I was unhappy and started comparing myself to the other guy. This annoyed him....but I said it takes time to get over an affair and that things will improve as I learn to trust him again. Comparing yourself to the other guy is a form of control, in a passive way. It's like you are trying to make him feel guilty. He tried to cover up his affair, you found out. It is all out in the open. If you two have any chance together, you need to forget about the other man in this. I know this is hard, but you have to forget about the other guy and the affair. Comparing yourself to him (or even mentioning him) could have one of the following outcomes: - 1) It could make your partner compare you to him. Your partner may think about how the other man is not so clingy and with not so much controlling behaviour and may make him look good in comparison to you. You admit that you have been controlling, you have guessed that this is a reason why your partner had an affair...so STOP being controlling. 2) You partner may feel ashamed about what he did with the other man. Reminding him of it will make him feel silly, embarrassed whatever. But nothing good. He may think that if you are comparing yourself to him now, then you might do it for the rest of your relationship, if you two get back together. This is not an attractive idea for anyone and might make him head for the hills. Off the affair, he has said that it itself is not his reason for the whole "I love you, not in love with you" thing....but that the affair highlighted where things that went wrong with the relationship in the past and which never got resolved namely....... 1. Because I'm too controlling with regard to his friends etc 2. Things that I do annoy him (petty things like not washing up etc) .....Essentially everything built up and these are the things that he says have lead to him not being "in Love" with me. I re-raised the affair because part of me believes that he has....... and I quote from the early days when affair was discovered "I enjoyed the attention and there was NO BAGGAGE".....seen this other life which on the outside is hassle free, going out for drinks everynight etc etc and compares that to our life which as you can imagine at the moment is pretty dull, and in the past had issues which were never resolved. He said that this is not the case....and that in his head is not comparing the two off us. I then asked why things in the bedroom evaporated since the affair begun....he has said that the affair has contributed to it. So to be honest things are a bit messy at the moment!!!!! Not washing up is not really a petty thing. An imbalance of work in a relationship builds up over time. This is a mistake I made. However, you had to travel a lot for work, so maybe this is a result of that? And you re-raised the affair? Not good. Move on. He says that he is not comparing the two of you, show him that you believe him. You have to believe him because you can never know for sure, so accept what he says. I have too begun asking myself (well I know) that there are other guys out there who 1. Could love me 2. Not cheat on me But then I think I don't want another guy, I want my current one. He says he is really confused as well and is scared/does not have faith that when it comes to the issues, namely my controlling of him with regard to his friends etc that I will change. I have stated that yes I was controlling in the past, but can change this. (I want to as I have been controlling in the past and accept that this is wrong.) Ok, so there are guys out there who will not cheat on you and could love you? He did love you, maybe still does, so its nothing new. Also, as far as a guy who wont cheat on you is concerned, thats great. But you also need to think that maybe a relationship is out there in which you wont try to control your partner. My overall point is you admit that you have been controlling in the past. Now is the time to take a bit of responsibility for his cheating. Yes he should have spoken to you and I would never condone cheating. But you have both made mistakes here. And you need to realise this. It is possible to drive someone away by being controlling. And you have. I do believe that you can change. I think that this is a case of a lack of communication too, and the distance cant have helped. When you two first went out on dates or whatever, you were not clingy and controlling. I imagine you were interesting and fun to be around. This is who he fell in love with. And whether you two work out or not, this is who you need to be again, and forever. Work on yourself. Controlling behaviour is due to low self esteem. He was with you for 7 years. You are OBVIOUSLY good enough. Well, what I can say is this- this guy has changed. People change. You don't want his cheating self. You want who he WAS. The sooner you realise this, the easier it will be to accept and move on. 1. He cheated. He who cheats will cheat again. 2. He lost feelings. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't want them? 3. He used a cliche load of sh*t excuse. I wouldn't wait for his decision. You need to take matters into your hands, and stand up for yourself. You DON'T deserve this treatment. And advise him, he is a cheating di*k and you want someone faithful. Also, advise him, HE CHEATED. You have every RIGHT to be controlling, for at least a while. He would have to EARN your trust. Not the other way around. I dont agree with this entirely. I dont believe that someone who cheats will definitely cheat again. Cheating on someone is ALWAYS bad and he was a bit of a d*ck. But there is a difference between cheaters. Some people cheat. Period. Even if they are in the most wonderful relationship. And some people cheat because they feel a bit unhappy and trapped. They CAN be trusted, one day, to not cheat again. sillicOntoad, you are right that the cheater in this case needs to earn the trust back, but in this case I think it is a two way street. I DO think that this can work out. But both parties need to make changes. Take care T
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