lonewoof Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 If you start out a relationship with romantic intentions on both parts, but decide just to be friends because of circumstances involving dealing with childhood sexual abuse, what do you do if your feelings haven't changed and in fact have gotten stronger? We talk just about every day, but maybe only see each other once every week or so. I think she still has the same feelings as well, but there are times when I'm not sure if it's real or just me wishing it was. We haven't really talked about it, but I've had it in my mind that becoming closer friends could lead to more as she deals with her abuse through therapy. I'm scared that if I bring it up I may find out I'm mistaken. Even though I don't want to lose her as a friend, not knowing just how she really feels is taking it's toll. I feel I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Just afraid to take the chance and do what I know I need to.
BCCA Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I'm going to assume something; that you werent as interested in 'just keeping it friendly' as she was, were you? You probably didnt want to lose her all together, so you stuck with the friendship, but Im guessing you always wanted more. becoming closer friends could lead to more as she deals with her abuse through therapy. This is possible, but highly unlikely. The 'friendzone' is almost always an inescapable dungeon. Also, notice that she didnt ask for support and patience, she asked to just be friends. If she thought she just needed time to get over some stuff, but was interested, she would let you know. With women, what they dont say is equally important as what they do say. I'm scared that if I bring it up I may find out I'm mistaken Never fear the truth, you'll get it sooner or later, and life is too precious to waste time. I feel I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't Im sorry, but you are. Either you stick it out, and have this suck for the rest of your friendship, or you walk and lose a friend. Thats your 2 options, and neither are very good. The best thing to do is tell her how you feel, and that you understand where shes at and wish her well, but you cant do this and be honest with yourself right now. Maybe someday, but not now. She'll probably be upset, because she knows the deal - youre going to be out, and she would do the same thing. Seriously, ask her what she would do in your shoes, and I can promise shell say 'she doesnt know' (which is a lie) or shell say she would bail. Everyone would, its the best choice, even though it sucks.
paddington bear Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 You don't want to hear this, but I agree with BCCA. You say: I think she still has the same feelings as well, but there are times when I'm not sure if it's real or just me wishing it was. We haven't really talked about it So basically you are in an imaginary relationship with her, hoping her feelings might be the same and that with time she will reveal them to you. Be brave, actually ask her, and find out the truth, even if it's not what you want to hear and then at least you know. I truly don't mean to be cruel here, but because there's a sexual abuse issue, her saying she wants to be friends makes total sense, however...I've seen myself and with others, that sometimes it's a serious issue. One guy I knew, his ex had died suddenly and he has issues with getting involved with anyone...turned out he only had issues getting involved with me. Ultimately these issues are the other person's issues to deal with, even if it is a genuinely sad story, it's not your sad story, it's theirs to find a way to resolve and you can't hang around waiting for them to get over it. You could be waiting a very long time only to find out that (like me) those same issues suddenly don't seem to matter when they meet someone else who is not you. Just protect your heart from getting broken down the line and talk to her, if you are friends you should be able to feel like you can speak honestly. I know right now you're probably in the 'if I tell her I still have feelings and she doesn't I'll lose the friendship' - believe me, by losing the 'friendship' you would be doing yourself a huge favour, because it's not and never will be a true friendship when one person wants more than 'just friends'.
BCCA Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 One guy I knew, his ex had died suddenly and he has issues with getting involved with anyone...turned out he only had issues getting involved with me. I resisted putting something like this in my post, but this is exactly what I was thinking. Every girl who ever had these 'issues' only seemed to have them with me.
paddington bear Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I resisted putting something like this in my post, but this is exactly what I was thinking. Every girl who ever had these 'issues' only seemed to have them with me. I know! And it's such a damn hard one to get over because these reasons for staying friends are so plausible and serious and make total sense and you feel like a mean person for daring to push the other person when they are not ready because of some trauma in the past. I'm not saying the OP's friend is lying, maybe it could be that she has serious problems with sexual intimacy. If she does though, that means, she won't want him as more than a friend, but nor will she want anyone else, either way he'll be stuck in the friendzone. Or, as I suspect...the issue will miraculously disappear when the right guy arrives in her life.
BCCA Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I know! And it's such a damn hard one to get over because these reasons for staying friends are so plausible and serious and make total sense and you feel like a mean person for daring to push the other person when they are not ready because of some trauma in the past. I'm not saying the OP's friend is lying, maybe it could be that she has serious problems with sexual intimacy. If she does though, that means, she won't want him as more than a friend, but nor will she want anyone else, either way he'll be stuck in the friendzone. Or, as I suspect...the issue will miraculously disappear when the right guy arrives in her life. My ex told me as she was dumping me that she didnt want to be with anyone for a long while. I asked, so if you meet a great guy tomorrow, youre not going to date him then? No answer. I had another girl tell me her grandmother was sick, it was bad timing, she would let me know...a buddy of mine ended up going out with her 2 days later, with no mention of any of this 'family trouble'. As soon as we figured it out, he asked her why she told his friend a line of bull, and she said I made the whole thing up lol He was like 'I doubt it' and stopped talking to her. Then I had a girl tell me that she was moving in a week, blah blah blah...she came in to do an interview at my company 3 months later...with me. Guess who didnt get a job that day? I could have a warped view, but everytime I see roadblocks, I assume its a lack of interest, no matter how plausible they seem.
Author lonewoof Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I'm going to assume something; that you werent as interested in 'just keeping it friendly' as she was, were you? You probably didnt want to lose her all together, so you stuck with the friendship, but Im guessing you always wanted more. This is possible, but highly unlikely. The 'friendzone' is almost always an inescapable dungeon. Also, notice that she didnt ask for support and patience, she asked to just be friends. If she thought she just needed time to get over some stuff, but was interested, she would let you know. With women, what they dont say is equally important as what they do say. Never fear the truth, you'll get it sooner or later, and life is too precious to waste time. Im sorry, but you are. Either you stick it out, and have this suck for the rest of your friendship, or you walk and lose a friend. Thats your 2 options, and neither are very good. The best thing to do is tell her how you feel, and that you understand where shes at and wish her well, but you cant do this and be honest with yourself right now. Maybe someday, but not now. She'll probably be upset, because she knows the deal - youre going to be out, and she would do the same thing. Seriously, ask her what she would do in your shoes, and I can promise shell say 'she doesnt know' (which is a lie) or shell say she would bail. Everyone would, its the best choice, even though it sucks. Yes, you're right. I've always wanted more and you're probably right about everything else, as much as I hate to admit it. But here I still sit hoping you're not. But better to know the truth than leave things as they are, I would agree.
Author lonewoof Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 You don't want to hear this, but I agree with BCCA. You say: I think she still has the same feelings as well, but there are times when I'm not sure if it's real or just me wishing it was. We haven't really talked about it So basically you are in an imaginary relationship with her, hoping her feelings might be the same and that with time she will reveal them to you. Be brave, actually ask her, and find out the truth, even if it's not what you want to hear and then at least you know. I truly don't mean to be cruel here, but because there's a sexual abuse issue, her saying she wants to be friends makes total sense, however...I've seen myself and with others, that sometimes it's a serious issue. One guy I knew, his ex had died suddenly and he has issues with getting involved with anyone...turned out he only had issues getting involved with me. Ultimately these issues are the other person's issues to deal with, even if it is a genuinely sad story, it's not your sad story, it's theirs to find a way to resolve and you can't hang around waiting for them to get over it. You could be waiting a very long time only to find out that (like me) those same issues suddenly don't seem to matter when they meet someone else who is not you. Just protect your heart from getting broken down the line and talk to her, if you are friends you should be able to feel like you can speak honestly. I know right now you're probably in the 'if I tell her I still have feelings and she doesn't I'll lose the friendship' - believe me, by losing the 'friendship' you would be doing yourself a huge favour, because it's not and never will be a true friendship when one person wants more than 'just friends'. Imaginary relationship pretty much says it all and I do need to know, even though I think I already know the answer. I've definitely had thethought that those issues suddenly won't matter when she meets someone else that really makes her head spin. I just to be honest with her how I feel and let things happen as they may.
paddington bear Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Imaginary relationship pretty much says it all and I do need to know, even though I think I already know the answer. I've definitely had thethought that those issues suddenly won't matter when she meets someone else that really makes her head spin. I just to be honest with her how I feel and let things happen as they may. I know it's not a nice prospect...just I've been there myself, and if you get an answer that you don't want to get now, believe me, you're actually saving yourself further heartache in the future, you really are. Good luck
Author lonewoof Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 If you love her, you shouldn't talk things that might hurt her feelings. In that way, you can help her forget about her past nightmares and you can make her happy at the same time ...As it goes in the sayings if you love the person whatever he/she had in the past or whaterver he/she is you can still accept him/her whole being.. I agree, but the question is not acceptance of her past. It's the fact that she said that she wasn't ready for a relationship after we'd just begun one. We've remained close and she's pretty much my best friend at this point. But I have stronger feelings for her and I don't know that they're shared. They are most likely not. If that's the case and I tell her how I feel, it will end the friendship. But going on without telling her is wearing me down.
BCCA Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I agree, but the question is not acceptance of her past. It's the fact that she said that she wasn't ready for a relationship after we'd just begun one. We've remained close and she's pretty much my best friend at this point. But I have stronger feelings for her and I don't know that they're shared. They are most likely not. If that's the case and I tell her how I feel, it will end the friendship. But going on without telling her is wearing me down. To elaborate on that even further, eventually you wont be able to take it anymore, and youll snap. Youll tell her off, and make it hard to EVER be friends again. So, in essence, it comes down to whether you want to get an answer and do what you have to now, or whether you want to waste more time waiting it out because you are affraid of the truth. I think youre thinking about this logically, which is a good place to start.
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