pinky11 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I am at a total loss here and really need some opinions/advice. I have a wedding planned for October 10th, 2009. A fairly big wedding at that, alot of people involved and lots of money out there. I have been with him for 3 years, engaged for 2. I never thought I would be able to trust a man ever again until I met him. He treats me like gold, he has a great job, he is responsible, doesn't drink too much, wants kids. My entire family is in love with him. We have had our fair share of problems, ex: money, family problems, etc. But never did we ever wavor, we always stayed strong and felt so lucky to have eachother when it was all said and done. The last 3 months have been full force wedding planning and it has been hectic but very exciting. So here's my problem....I found an email, (which I was not looking for) from a girl that talked about "how could you tell me how much you care about me and that you should have stayed with me, you told me that you called off your engagement but then I found out that you are still getting married???" This was written in the beginning of July. When I confronted him about it he said that we were fighting and he was stressed for about a week but that he never cheated on me and he still wants to marry me. I verified this story with her. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to listen to my heart and do what I feel is right. But I don't know what that is. I am hurt and angry. I don't know if I should take this as a "sign". I do know that when I think about not being with him it is scary, I don't think I can live without him, but I don't want to make a huge mistake.
lostsunsets Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 What can I say. You will never be 100% sure.......ever. I had my doubts when I go married too (my wife should have had more then me). But we have been together 30 years now. And it has been a good marriage. I love her more now then when we got married. If you picture your life without him as scary (ie scary to be without him), marry him. Everyone is entitled to be unsure. Look at this as the first real test of your love. Pass or fail?
Gamine Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 If I were young and in your shoes I would probably have gone through with the wedding simply not to make any waves. Quite a bit older, knowing what I now know... I would cancel or postpone it. His activity and explanations by both are red flags if I ever saw one and reflect an 'acting out' and uncertainty should not be the case in a long engagement as you have had. The email highlights some very crucial points... that he communicated to another woman that he was calling the wedding off... and I'm guessing presumably for her. If he could consider, even in a fog, of doing such a thing this man may have issues that may very well prevent him from being a good husband. Imagine you are married already... and found it. Trust me, for a man to contemplate calling off the wedding is enough for you to realize that there is a very distinct possibility that while you cannot imagine living without him... he has imagined living without you. And that, in my heart, is not a man emotionally and psychologically ready to marry you. If you go through with it to save face and to not lose him... you may also be entering into a seriously hurtful marriage. You will have to watch him like a hawk and even then it may not be enough. I sympathize with you. You should not go through with the marriage and you should cancel it... or postpone it. Don't allow him or her to trivialize him having told her he was leaving you. You haven't even started your life together yet... and he is already having a hard time. I'll say a prayer for you.... hope you find your answers.
O_angelsparkle_O Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I think you should never ignore your feelings. If you have talked to him about it and you still feel bad...keep talking to him about it! Or you could always try a couples counselor. I think it's important to feel trust in your partner...I'm engaged and I just recently got in a trust fight with my fiance. Remember that each person has to EARN the other's trust. And each person is responsible for how secure we feel in the relationship. If he's going to marry you, he needs to understand how you are feeling and work with you to get out of it. And you need to try your best to stay calm while you communicate with him. You need to talk to him about how he deals with stress, too. If he is stressed, he should be able to vent to YOU, not some other woman. And don't stress about the money...your happiness is priority right now.
whichwayisup Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Postpone the wedding and find out what is truly going on. If he isn't the one for you, or you aren't the one for him, better to find out now than 10 years down the road when you have kids in tow.. It's painful and it won't be easy..Just talk to him, lay it all out on the line. Seek counselling if need be, to help with this process. The OW, well, he obviously has cheated, if not physically, then emotionally. He lead on another woman, and hurt her, and he's now hurt you as well.
jnj express Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 big red flags going up---in one short period of time and due to some relationship problem, your fiance is contacting other women and lying to them about his real situation. What happens once he is married, and you disagree, and ALL MGE.'s have disagreements, is gonna immediately gonna go looking for another woman to satisfy his needs. Right now you have no legal entanglements, once you are married that changes, you just can't walk away, as you can now. You better sit your fiance down and have a long talk about the reality of mge., and about what he is gonna do, should things not be perfect
Lucky_One Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I really feel badly for you - I think you are in a bad situation right this moment. But I have to say, in my heart, I think your fiance is fibbing big time. He is telling you that within the space of ONE week, (let's even give him the benefit of the doubt and say that this girl was at least a past GF or a present friend, so that he doesn't waste any of this week having to meet and woo a girl), he sought out a girl, he communicated with her enough that she believed that he cared deeply enough for her that he should have "chosen" her, and he then broke up with her? It doesn't happen like that. It just doesn't. Relationships (emotional or physical, sole R or a R that is taking place parallel of another one) take at least some time to get to any sort of believable protestations of caring/love/desire to be with. I suspect that he and she had talked prior to your verifying the story with her, and that is why their stories mesh so well. I also suspect that they may be still communicating, and that she is heart-broken and just waiting for him to call her again. At my age and experience level, I would have to postpone the wedding, and I would talk to whomever it was that you did your pre-marital counselling. I think you need some serious couples counselling PRIOR to getting divorce counselling (which is what I think you may be headed for, if he has been carrying on an EMA during your engagement).
MadMission Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Your man has had, at the very least, an emotional affair. It was either long enough or deep enough that he had professed care for another woman. I suspect it was quite lengthy since they got to the point where they were discussing calling off your wedding so that THEY could be together. Your man likely felt much the way you do now...that EVERYONE is anticipating this wedding, families are emotionally investing in both of you as a couple, you have put so much of your time, energy, thoughts, and tons of money into the wedding....so, even if he wanted out, he cannot bring himself to pull the plug. He would look like an ass, especially if/when people found out that it was for another woman. The emotional fallout and consequences, as well as the financial loss, and the thoughts of sorting it all out, are probably too overwhelming for him. So, the EASIEST thing for HIM, in this situation, is to just go forward with the plans...and stay with you....to do what is 'expected.' The problem with this is that if his heart is not in it, and he is just doing what is expected of him, then you will be in a relationship with a man who is just not that into you...not the way a H should be into his W. Is this what you want? This also means that he may wind up continuing his affair AFTER you get M...or start another one with a different woman. His lack of tunnel vision for YOU leaves him vulnerable. I say, at the very least, postpone the wedding. This will be so hard to do. But, it will give you an opportunity to see just how strong his love and committment is to YOU. Do not feel bad or guilty for postponing. Keep it straight in your head that HE is the one who cast huge doubts about his integrity, character, loyalty, and committment.
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