Heartbroken... Feel like I lost the love of my life

[Funky]

So me and my now EX were together for a little over 2 and a half years. We met and had immediate chemistry, I bonded with her son and we quickly became a family. After about 1 year we bought a house together, things were ruff at first but we got threw it.

 

About 6 months ago she decided that it was over between us and that we were going to sell the house. I begged and did everything I could to convince her that I would change and she finally decided to give it another shot.

 

I thought that things were better then ever, we had a party at our place and she was telling the girls there that she was lucky to have me etc...

 

Now not even one month later she tells me that she doesn't know what she wants anymore, not sure that she still loves me. Basicly saying that the same issues as before are coming up again, me not being affectionate enough, not telling her that she is beautiful, not doing enough for the kiddo. I'll admit that I can be independent at times but never to the point of not ever doing those things, I felt like she was bottling up little things here and there and created this bomb with it all.

 

Since we live in the same house I've been trying to talk to her and make her realise that we have gotten this far together and worked things out why give up now. I love her so much as well as the kid. It's like I'm losing the family that I've always wanted and now I'm heartbroken about it all.

 

I cant eat, I can't sleep, I just find myself crying all the time, it was my birthday last week and I just didn't care because I didn't have her by my side. My friends finally convinced me to go out so I did and got plastered, then got home and crashed out on the front lawn cyring my heart out and my friends trying to reconcile me for about one hour.

 

She says there is no point in trying because she doesn't feel like she once did for me, she says she doesn't love me anymore... Can you really stop loving someone like that? we were trying to have a baby together and she just decideds it's over...

 

So confused so heartbroken, don't know what to do anymore...

 

Thanks for listening

[silic0ntoad]

Man, I totally feel your pain. But you aren't alone. That's why we're all here. This is difficult because there is a kid involved, so it's not my area of expertise.

 

To be honest, this is the same BS that circulates this forum daily "IDK what I want" or "I love you but I am not in love with you." I call BS on either line. There is somethign else at play.

 

I would pack up and leave. Get out now. Help her sell the house, but make yourself scarce. Initiate strict NC once the house is sold.

[Darren09]

Yeah dude we are all going through the same process here. these guys on ere are quite supportive my friends dont seem to understand what am going thru. There answer to this situation is go out and sleep around...... but am not that kinda guy. Anyways i read your story and feel that you need to put your guards up with this women. shes not sure what she wants and the last thing you need to do is get caught up in it anymore. I know its hard it really is. Its not going to go away any time soon but you have to be strong and run away from this mess.

[Funky]

sleeping around is defenitly not my thing and it has not been for a very long time... I was happy with her, I had my family I thought things were good with what she was saying a month ago and now BOOM right in my face, seems so unrealistic that we go from happy and trying to have a child to not being in love with me anymore.

 

I asked if it was another guy and she said no and swore on her sons head so I believe for that... but still seems like there is something behind all this.

[Danielle46]

From a girls point of view:

 

She might be going through something right now & not even know what it is...If you really want her to start thinking about everything and re-evaluating it all..then def go with the whole NC thing...

 

It will drive her crazy...you will cross her mind more and more as each day passes and she begins to realize that she is giving up someone who loves her and her child deeply.

 

Human nature is to want what you can't have...so Im assuming that if the love she has/had (whatever her verbage) is/was real then she is going to hit that wall of realization and start to discover numerous things about herself, you and your relationship.

 

Women do a lot of thinking, pondering, musing over everything. I don't know her so I can't specifically or accurately judge her emotions...all I know is that I am in love with someone, and ever since we have been enduring what we are, I have dont nothing but think about and evaluate our relationship. I've realized so much about us that it's incredible.

 

The most you can do is respect her and her wishes and let her be. If what you have is worth the salvage, it will work itself out. From what I get from this one post, you seem like a real genuine person and someone who is able to recognize and repair their own faults. Don't change your true core for anyone though...someone (maybe even her) will accept you for you.

 

Wishing you the best, keep us updated :-)

[steelfist9]

Hope you good luck, Funky.

[Funky]

short update... my mom bumped into her aunt at the store and seems like she started crying to my mom saying I don't know what she is thinking, he's the best thing to ever happen to her. There has to be something wrong in her head to be acting this way. Even grandma and grandpa are mad at her for throwing me under the bus like this.

 

I've spent a lot of time with her family since we were always all at the cottage, so they know and saw how I was always great with her and the kiddo.

[Funky]

BTW Funky is the nickname that the kiddo gave me the first time we met:(, he was 2 1/2 years old.

[openbook08]

short update... my mom bumped into her aunt at the store and seems like she started crying to my mom saying I don't know what she is thinking, he's the best thing to ever happen to her. There has to be something wrong in her head to be acting this way. Even grandma and grandpa are mad at her for throwing me under the bus like this.

 

I've spent a lot of time with her family since we were always all at the cottage, so they know and saw how I was always great with her and the kiddo.

 

time to give her a chance to wake up and realise this, so give her space now. go NC & use the time to look after you. read some books, watch a movie, take some exercise & HANG IN THERE!! you may not receive the outcome you desire but at least youll have stopped being so hard on yourself , look out for number 1 now and see what happens....

so so sorry youre going through this

[Funky]

I know I need to be strong but it just feels like I have 1000 pounds hanging from my heart.

 

How can everyone else except her see that we belong together...

 

All this is beyond me and I'm so tired of asking myself questions about this everyday!

[openbook08]

ah i know this only too well, after 9months of NC i still wonder about it now&again & people still comment on how could he let me go etc etc but at some point youve gotta take back the reins of your own life & live FOR you not BECAUSE of her. it is not easy it can be a long road BUT YOU CAN DO IT. keep posting theres lots of support here, even for the craziest of thoughts! dont worry most of us have been there

[MrFun]

Hey Funky,

 

I'm going to be an arse here, but here goes....

 

About 6 months ago she decided that it was over between us and that we were going to sell the house. I begged and did everything I could to convince her that I would change and she finally decided to give it another shot.

 

Wrong! Why are you begging? You can never change how people think. Only how they feel. This gal is *not* hot for you.

 

I thought that things were better then ever, we had a party at our place and she was telling the girls there that she was lucky to have me etc...

 

Doesn't mean anything. She could have been lying to them, to herself, etc. Women aren't like men.

 

Now not even one month later she tells me that she doesn't know what she wants anymore, not sure that she still loves me.

 

How can you argue with that? It's over dude. Once the woman doesn't want to be part of it anymore, it's OVER.

 

 

Basicly saying that the same issues as before are coming up again, me not being affectionate enough, not telling her that she is beautiful, not doing enough for the kiddo.

 

yadda yadda yadda. This isn't Hollywood, gal. By your post, you seem to be putting a LOT of energy in this. Realise though, you cannot fix it. She needs to move her arse.

 

Plus, now here comes the arse bit, IT IS HER CHILD. You decided to accept him, but she has NO right to put guilt on you for it.

 

This woman has major issues and you need to look around for someone without issues!!! Maybe someone without children, so you can start your own family. Yeah, I know you like the kid and all, but it's not yours.

 

She'll keep doing this to every guy she meets. Get out while you can!

 

Since we live in the same house I've been trying to talk to her and make her realise that we have gotten this far together and worked things out why give up now. I love her so much as well as the kid. It's like I'm losing the family that I've always wanted and now I'm heartbroken about it all.

 

And out comes Mr. Fixit all over again. You cannot FIX this like you can FIX a car. She doesn't love you, she doesn't respect you. Otherwise she'd be fighting tooth and nail to keep you. She needs someone to support her. There are many guys out there that would never want a woman with a kid. And yet she finds someone that does and loves the kid too and dumps him because she's confused? Yeah right, she IS confused and needs professional help. Unless you're a psychiatrist get out quickly.

 

I cant eat, I can't sleep, I just find myself crying all the time, it was my birthday last week and I just didn't care because I didn't have her by my side.

 

WTF? You're crying???? Why? Your ego is crushed and you can't fix this situation, that's why you're feeling helpless. But you are not helpless, you're empowered. Because she finally showed her true self, you can now concentrate your resources on a woman or a hobby that's beneficial to YOU.

 

Please bare in mind, by begging and crawling you're making yourself dependent on her. You will resent her and hate yourself for becoming dependent. First find yourself and then find someone that can benefit from you and that you can benefit from. She's an emotional tampon that will drain your life's energy out of you. Trust me! This site is full of stories. Read them, don't take my word for it. There ARE quality women out there.

 

My friends finally convinced me to go out so I did and got plastered, then got home and crashed out on the front lawn cyring my heart out and my friends trying to reconcile me for about one hour.

 

It happens. Just don't turn into a pussy that does it all the time.

 

She says there is no point in trying because she doesn't feel like she once did for me, she says she doesn't love me anymore... Can you really stop loving someone like that? we were trying to have a baby together and she just decideds it's over...

 

No. She stopped loving you months ago. Because she's so unpredictable and frankly PSYCHO, I underline my point that you should RUN

 

So confused so heartbroken, don't know what to do anymore...

 

All the best man. Come over for a beer. Spill your heart out. Move on and never look back. Too many women are looking for a guy like you, she just doesn't deserve you (I know it doesn't make sense just yet).

 

All the best!

[MrFun]

She might be going through something right now & not even know what it is...If you really want her to start thinking about everything and re-evaluating it all..then def go with the whole NC thing...

 

I agree NC is the way here, def. But, what sort of evaluation of someone's personality is "not even know what it is". She's not 12!

 

Even if she does run back to him, there'll always be that uncertainty that she'll pull it again. "I'm so confused". No, there's no confusion.

 

My ex pulled something similar. I suggested kids and one month later she dumped me. I went NC (I was even an NC nazi!) and never heard from her again. She knew very well what she was doing. There's no confusion at all, it's disrespect and self-hatred that she's getting confused about.

 

Remember, only those that love themselves can love others. Only those that can trust can be trusted. She ain't one of them.

[adamt]

 

Now not even one month later she tells me that she doesn't know what she wants anymore, not sure that she still loves me. Basicly saying that the same issues as before are coming up again, me not being affectionate enough, not telling her that she is beautiful, not doing enough for the kiddo. I'll admit that I can be independent at times but never to the point of not ever doing those things, I felt like she was bottling up little things here and there and created this bomb with it all.

 

Women have a habit of keeping issues to themselves,letting them build up and only speaking about them once they are ready to move on. My ex said she wished she had talked a lot sooner and more often. You probably have improved and fixed things but once a woman gets her mind in a certain way it is nearly impossible to change it. They just keep nagging over the most trivial things that were never a problem.

 

Since we live in the same house I've been trying to talk to her and make her realise that we have gotten this far together and worked things out why give up now. I love her so much as well as the kid. It's like I'm losing the family that I've always wanted and now I'm heartbroken about it all.

Once the dumpers mind is made up there is nothing you can really do. She probably made her minf up a while ago. Once they are thinking like that it is hard to get things back.

 

 

I cant eat, I can't sleep, I just find myself crying all the time, it was my birthday last week and I just didn't care because I didn't have her by my side. My friends finally convinced me to go out so I did and got plastered, then got home and crashed out on the front lawn cyring my heart out and my friends trying to reconcile me for about one hour.

I was like that for first 2-3 weeks. I couldnt focus at work. I cried a lot randomly. I couldnt motivate myself and felt depressed.Push yourself to do things and keep yourself as busy as possible. take up hobbies and sports. hammer the gym

 

 

She says there is no point in trying because she doesn't feel like she once did for me, she says she doesn't love me anymore... Can you really stop loving someone like that? we were trying to have a baby together and she just decideds it's over...

I understand fully. My ex wanted to buy a house together. When we split up she felt we missed our time. Sadly, you cant bring back the good times. You cant change their mind. My ex even said we didnt have much in common and had extreme opinions. But we never argued and how do you last for 3 years then?

 

Its a long journey to getting better but just focus on yourself and do things that make you feel good. catch up with old friends, dont drink too much, go to the gym, get fit and lean and take up activities and sports. set short term and medium term targets. It is a slow process but stick at it and you will get better. i am about 11 weeks down the line but i do still get the odd moments of sadness. but i keep myself busy

[Funky]

Thanks for the feedback guys... I know I just need to let everything go and move on...

 

The hard part is understanding why things got this way, when it seemed good... but I'll probably never know...

 

I've had the chance to speak with one of her friends and it seems that she has always been this way, no guy has ever giving enough to her to make her happy. She is also a very influensable person and with her best friend becoming recently single, I'm sure that didn't help.

 

Looks like she's always going out to the bars and probably getting all the attention she wants there, seems like she's living a crisis where she wants to live the bar scene again, missing work, having the kiddo babysat to go out when he is actually away every second weekend.

 

I just have to tell myself that she is the one throwing everything away and I did everything I could to make things work, by doing tons of compromises, yet her doing none in return, her doing things and expecting things in return. Assuming and expecting me to do certain things instead of talking about them with me...

[Funky]

I just wanted to give you guys a follow up on what's going on and get your opinion on things.

 

So as you all know I was still living with my ex and now the house is actually sold, sad to see it go...

 

Anyways I went 3 days NC with her and finally approached her and told her that when she had the time I would like to sit down and talk about things and she finally opened up to me...

 

She told me that she had a realisation that she lost herself in our relationship, that she wasn't herself anymore, she would always just do everything to please me instead of thinking of herself. She also said that she felt like we were to different, she's outgoing and a excited person and I'm more down to earth and responsible. She is right but I find myself to be responsible due to the fact that we both had large debts to pay and to me that was the priority. I agree that we should of done more things together and now with the house sold we are both debt free and could do the things that we've always wanted to do.

 

I put all my cards on the table and told her exactly how I felt and how our relationship could be more then what it was and that now without the debts we could do everything that we've always wanted to do. Problem is she doesn't seem to believe in me when I tell her we can do exciting things together, but I know we can because everytime we had parties at the house we were the life of the party together...

 

She's told me that right now she needs her time alone and to figure her things out and to do her things and I respect that, I just wish she would of approached me before with all this so we could of worked at it together. She says that if we are meant to be together we will find each other again.

 

What's weird though is that when I give her a hug she hugs me back like she really cares about me.

 

Now I ask myself should I continue telling her that I love her because those are the feelings in my heart and I don't want her to froget how much I love her.

[N.Colony]

Thanks for the feedback guys... I know I just need to let everything go and move on...

 

The hard part is understanding why things got this way, when it seemed good... but I'll probably never know...

 

I've had the chance to speak with one of her friends and it seems that she has always been this way, no guy has ever giving enough to her to make her happy. She is also a very influensable person and with her best friend becoming recently single, I'm sure that didn't help.

 

Looks like she's always going out to the bars and probably getting all the attention she wants there, seems like she's living a crisis where she wants to live the bar scene again, missing work, having the kiddo babysat to go out when he is actually away every second weekend.

 

I just have to tell myself that she is the one throwing everything away and I did everything I could to make things work, by doing tons of compromises, yet her doing none in return, her doing things and expecting things in return. Assuming and expecting me to do certain things instead of talking about them with me...

 

Go and read the book called the Passion Paradox.

[Phateless]

I just wanted to give you guys a follow up on what's going on and get your opinion on things.

 

So as you all know I was still living with my ex and now the house is actually sold, sad to see it go...

 

Anyways I went 3 days NC with her and finally approached her and told her that when she had the time I would like to sit down and talk about things and she finally opened up to me...

 

She told me that she had a realisation that she lost herself in our relationship, that she wasn't herself anymore, she would always just do everything to please me instead of thinking of herself. She also said that she felt like we were to different, she's outgoing and a excited person and I'm more down to earth and responsible. She is right but I find myself to be responsible due to the fact that we both had large debts to pay and to me that was the priority. I agree that we should of done more things together and now with the house sold we are both debt free and could do the things that we've always wanted to do.

 

I put all my cards on the table and told her exactly how I felt and how our relationship could be more then what it was and that now without the debts we could do everything that we've always wanted to do. Problem is she doesn't seem to believe in me when I tell her we can do exciting things together, but I know we can because everytime we had parties at the house we were the life of the party together...

 

She's told me that right now she needs her time alone and to figure her things out and to do her things and I respect that, I just wish she would of approached me before with all this so we could of worked at it together. She says that if we are meant to be together we will find each other again.

 

What's weird though is that when I give her a hug she hugs me back like she really cares about me.

 

Now I ask myself should I continue telling her that I love her because those are the feelings in my heart and I don't want her to froget how much I love her.

 

Dude. It's over. I'm sorry for your loss, but she has been very clear with you from the beginning.

 

She doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to date you anymore. You need to cut contact with her 100% until you are over her.

 

All the "reasons" she gave about you not doing enough are BS. You did plenty, she just wasn't into you anymore and so she was looking for explanations why. She was trying to blame it on you to ease her own guilt about no longer loving you.

 

I've been through this before and that's the truth.

 

She stopped loving you a long time ago. The things she said you did wrong are only rationalizations to make herself feel better. They're probably not even true.

 

My ex always used to tell me I didn't do anything for her even though I was constantly doing things for her. At one point she actually did admit she just didn't appreciate me. All her friends were constantly telling her that I was the best boyfriend ever.

 

Go NC, starting right now.

[N.Colony]

I think you should leave her alone. From what I've read, no amount of loving her will change things. It's clear she wants her space. Like really, what does she mean by "if we are meant to be together we will find each other again". That's double talk for "if I realize I love you enough to want to be with you, I'll contact you again." She's willing to throw it all away. Let her be. Don't EVER tell her you love her. Slowly take her off that pedestal. There are other good women out there.

[Phateless]

I think you should leave her alone. From what I've read, no amount of loving her will change things. It's clear she wants her space. Like really, what does she mean by "if we are meant to be together we will find each other again". That's double talk for "if I realize I love you enough to want to be with you, I'll contact you again." She's willing to throw it all away. Let her be. Don't EVER tell her you love her. Slowly take her off that pedestal. There are other good women out there.

 

There are other good women out there that won't pull this crap on you.

 

There are almost 7 BILLION people on the planet. Half of them are women. You think this girl is the only one you could love?

[Funky]

I agree with what you are all saying, I suppose I have to give up hope because I have to much of it.

 

I suppose that things will get easier once she is out of the house

[Phateless]

I agree with what you are all saying, I suppose I have to give up hope because I have to much of it.

 

I suppose that things will get easier once she is out of the house

 

You should move too. The transition really helps to get over someone, trust me.

[Funky]

Ok here we go... Well it's been about 2 weeks of NC and completely ignoring her... for those who haven't read the story we are still living together, but only for a few more weeks

 

So this morning I get up, get ready, go downstairs and get the ironing stuff while she is getting ready for work in the bathroom where that stuff is. I completely ignore her, don't say a word, don't even look at her, walk out and all I hear is a grunt of anger, I was like LOL!

 

Then she asks me have you seen the kiddos pics (he was a ring bearer at a wedding this weekend) I just say nope and she gets mad at me again. In my head I was like you want me out of your life but yet you are still trying to share your life with me? WTF!!!

 

Anyways I really don't understand her behaviour, anymore care to share there opinion on why she is acting like this?