Ex and School Meetings????

[texaslibby]

My ex and I have been separated for almost 3 years. It was an extremely volitile and nasty divorce. He has periods of time where all is quiet and then he just explodes, it is a never ending cycle for him so I limit my interaction with him due to this so as to not expose my daughter.

 

My daughter is starting a new school this week and since she is so young it is still considered "daycare" so he is ordered to pay his share. It is by far the best option for my daughter and if my ex was not so short sighted by the fact that his was my idea he would agree as well. He waited until the last minute to refuse to pay his portion thinking I would not be able to afford it and thus not be able to make the transition. It is a huge chunk of money for me (my ex makes about 5 times what I make) and it has wiped out my checking along with my savings, but I know this is the best move for my daughter.

 

So that's the background. My ex is "demanding" to be present at all school meetings and even the meet and greet with the teacher before school starts. I am extremely good at not engaging in arguements but I am so irritated with him right now I am afraid it will be difficult to keep my mouth shut. He is continuously making disparaging remarks and on a normal day I can ignore him. Does he have the "right" to "demand" to be there? I am more than happy for him to do his meeting separately. I have sole custody of my daughter. Our decree states he has the right to access all school/medical records but does not go into this area. I truely feel it is in my daughters best interest for us to not be in the same room right now. He is refusing to pay for this but yet wants the credit for SUPPORTING his daughter.

 

Am I being unreasonable?

[onthebrinkofitall]

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable and from what you're saying, is he mentally ill? Anger management, anyone?

 

Seriously, he does have rights to school records but that doesn't mean you and he have to go to parent/teacher meetings together. If he would like to speak to a teacher, he needs to make that arrangement himself. Does he have visitation with your daughter? If he was abusive toward her, they may not allow him to be on school grounds. You definitely need to let the school know the situation so they know how to handle him IF he calls.

 

Also, as for the tuition, he is responsible for paying for a portion of that. Sounds like you've already been to court.. so take him in for that. He may not have to pay for half of it, if there are cheaper options available [sounds like you chose this one for a personal reason] but I'll bet he'll at least have to reimburse you for some of it.

 

Just let the school know what's going on and if need be, take this issue to court as well. It may be such a thing where you go one time and he goes another time.

 

Good luck.

[Baby Gorilla]

"still considered "daycare" so he is ordered to pay his share."

 

If there is an order from court saying he has to pay his portion of something, and he doesn't pay, enforce it legally.

 

Make sure your lawyer is doing their job, and make sure the lawyer is mean as hell.

[missdependant]

No.

 

Take his sorry ass to court.

[Eve]

I dont believe in a child support orientated culture so my view maybe irrelevant to you. I say simply let him do what he is doing. The more you fight against persons as such, the more strategic they become. As long as he does everything on his own back, let him. The way I see it is that it will be more clear cut for your child if she can see where he did not contribute once she is an adult. Anyhow, people as such usually run out of steam once they are given what they want... they can only thrive on drama.

 

.. But Hubby and I make a good living so this maybe easy for me to say.. though really I begun this stance when I was a single parent with not much money at all. My view was that my children are my own unless the Dad wanted to contribute of his own standing. Thats all I wanted. Mine proved himself incapable of this, mainly because of his obsession with me. He fought for this right and that right and I let him have them.. then one day he stopped showing up.

 

In my experience, if there is a vibe to feed off and the man feels he has something to prove he will make your life hell. If you live your life in an authentic manner, doing the best for your child (according firstly and foremostly by your own financial means) then its win-win for you and the child. I did stop to consider what he could afford within my endeavours to better my childrens lives though.. I dont know if you have entirely. I mean, even though you have stated that your ex earns five times more than you, does he have five times the responsibility?

 

I have learned that some people are twats and dont play fair. If you know that taking him to Court will curb the problem do it. For me it would not have done anything but prolong his fake insistance of genuine paternal interest. I didnt want that.. I wanted the truth to be evident.

 

Do what you feel to be right for your circumstance but dont give him too high regard.. thats his job!

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Lucky_One]

I have mixed feelings. In general, I hate fathers who fall behind in financial obligations.

 

But in this case.....bottom line, the best thing for your child is for her father to attend all meetings with school personnel. End of story. This is about your child's education and future - not about your being ticked off or him being ticked off. Don't let the box of your feelings of anger and exasperation with him run over into the box of doing what is the best thing for your daughter.

 

You say that this is a new school, so this sounds as though you are putting a change into effect. I suspect that you are trying to pass this off as a "daycare" situation, and your XH is arguing that this isn't daycare at all, but is pre-K or something more formally structured than plain old daycare. I also suspect that it costs considerably more than her old daycare.

 

My XH would have had to pay a portion of daycare, but he also had legal say-so in the daycare situation. He would not have just paid whatever I dictated simply because I felt it was the best thing for our son. If something was a more expensive change, then I am sure he would have argued against it, as his cash flow could also get jeopardized by my unilateral decision.

 

So, for me, I would have to say to bite your tongue and tell him far enough in advance so that he can plan to attend all school functions. Your marriage may be over, but your daughter's relationship with her dad will be for the rest of your life, and it is your responsibility as a parent to help foster that relationship (as long as it isn't abusive, etc.).

 

As for the tuition, I would discuss this with a lawyer. You may have overstepped your legal boundaries in changing her daycare to an actual school without agreement with her father (depending on how your custody agreement is written), and her dad really may not have a legal obligation to pay for school tuition (rather than daycare).