Matthewjames Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Ok, where to start? I've been with my girlfriend just over 9 months, and as a whole when I'm with her everything's perfect. This is where the problem enters... I got with her 3 weeks after she'd broken up with her 1 year +, first love ex boyfriend. Early this year, there were some messages between them, really flirty suggestive ones actually. And some suggestions were a little more forward. At the time she wasn't over him at all, obviously. And now that I look back, if I had my mindset now I would have most liklely stayed friends with her, at least for a while. This guy's a complete ass, He's always bragging to her about having sex with girls, and a threesome with his other ex. Etc. Yet when she used to bring me up he used to just cut off conversation. He hates the very mention of me, and always rags on me with his friends. She's met him a few times, mostly back when she wasn't over him. She's intent on being his friend, and it seems to mean a lot to her. Last time she met him was a few weeks ago, they went for a drink and something to eat in town then just went home. She did tell me in advance, putting it to me as... "Babe, I don't want to hide anything. Is it ok if I go and meet... in town tomorrow?" Which funnily enough I was ok with, She did mention him checking out lots of girls and making her uncomfortable though, She said because he should have been talking to her and not paying all of his attention to others. She insists now that there are NO feelings left between them and they're just friends. We've had a few issues recently, Involving menial arguments, mostly over ultimately her ex. And are rebuilding our faith in each other. We had a day where we didn't speak and she broke down, Saying she hated the attention I got from other girls and felt jealous. She's expressed her feelings to me saying I'm the only guy she wants. And how she would hate to lose me, loving me more than anything. She's made what she says are "indefinate" plans with her ex boyfriend for Thursday, To go to a club with him and his friends. And then she'd have to stay at either his or one of his friend's houses the night after. Alcohol + House involved I'm really uncomfortable and don't know what to do or say. I've never stopped her from meeting him, and I know I can't do such a thing. Am I being overly jealous here? Or do I have a reason to feel like this? I don't know what to do! Perhaps any incite into how she could be thinking. Any advice appreciated.
MichiganMan222 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I wouldn't feel unsure. I would be absolutely certain that there's no way IN HELL that she would have contact with that dude. No meetings, not phone calls, no text, nothing.....Spending the night at his house? Are you insane? It would be real simple; him or me. Do you seriously think she's ever let you spend the night with some girl you banged in the past? Think about it.
Author Matthewjames Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Yeah, I just don't want to be the bad guy in this, No doubt if I make her choose between me and her ex "friend" it'll cause us countless problems.
JohnP82 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 This doesn't sound good to me. She's hanging out/ getting drunk with an Ex and may be sleeping at his place. How do you think she would react if your ex-girlfriend did the same?
Author Matthewjames Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 That's exactly what I think. I said this to her and she just said "But it's all about trust, I don't have any emotions left for him".
JohnP82 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Look man I am by no means an expert on relationships, but if this is something that you are having a problem with I suggest you tell her. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. People always like to throw out the "trust me" line. You should trust your girlfriend/boyfriend but there is a line.
MichiganMan222 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 That's exactly what I think. I said this to her and she just said "But it's all about trust, I don't have any emotions left for him". Its about respect too and she has ZERO for you. To even put you in that position is unbelievable. I get the impression that you're a really nice guy and she manipulates you a lot. You need a woman that wouldn't even consider TALKING to an ex if it bothered you.
Author Matthewjames Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Its about respect too and she has ZERO for you. To even put you in that position is unbelievable. I get the impression that you're a really nice guy and she manipulates you a lot. You need a woman that wouldn't even consider TALKING to an ex if it bothered you. The thing is, It's not talking to him that bothers me. I already know I could never stop her talking to him. It's not even meeting him on the rare occasion when she tells me first. It's the getting drunk and sleeping at his house, or at his friends house with him that bothers me.
stace79 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 The thing is, It's not talking to him that bothers me. I already know I could never stop her talking to him. It's not even meeting him on the rare occasion when she tells me first. It's the getting drunk and sleeping at his house, or at his friends house with him that bothers me. You are nuts if you put up with any of this. If she was really over him and was disgusted by how he talks to her about other girls, etc. then she wouldn't be hanging out with him, PERIOD. Seriously, I'd tell her make a choice -- either she wants a serious relationship with you, or she wants to flirt, go to clubs, get drunk and sleepover with her ex. I have been through the crap of dating someone not over their ex or trying to "stay friends", and trust me, nobody is worth the effort.
New Again Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I personally don't think it's OK to dictate who your gf can or cannot hang out with. That's just bad news and will cause more problems and resentment. I think it would be appropriate to let her know how you feel, ie, I would be very unhappy and uncomfortable (or whatever) if you did this. And then, ideally, she would show that you come first for her, and she wouldn't do it, and it wouldn't really be an issue again. However, it sounds like you need to examine your own feelings about this girl and your relationship and what is and is not OK a little more closely. You two also need to have a chat about boundaries. It's a very selfish cop out for her to tell you "it's a trust issue." Saying that means she gets to do whatever she wants, regardless of your feelings, and she's making you the bad guy. It's a hard step to take, but if you're really not OK with this, and she's really not willing to give up what you view as inappropriate contact with an ex for you (and current romantic interest/bf should come before ex), it's best to just break up, because nothing will get better. It will remain an issue, but it will be long and drawn out, rather than simply realizing you're not compatible and moving on sooner rather than later. It took me awhile to get to this point, but now if I know something is a dealbreaker or will be an issue in the relationship, I have an honest (and calm) discussion with the guy - and either we work it out to both our satisfaction, or we go our separate ways. It's difficult, and it can hurt, but in the end it saves a lot of heartache.
Author Matthewjames Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 I rang her and told her how I felt. She basically told me she wouldn't go if it made me feel that way. So I went on to explain how I've always put her first, and love her. It's up to her now, She does have a right to see who she wants, yeah. But this is where I'll find out how much I mean to her.
Thornton Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 She is nowhere near over her ex. The only reason for staying friends with an ex is if you want to get them back, or if he/she is a genuinely good friend that you don't want to lose - this guy doesn't sound like a good friend to her, because he's taunting her about being with other women, so she's staying friends with this guy because she still has feelings for him. If it was over between them, they definitely would not be sending suggestive texts - and also you and he would be able to be friends, and neither of them would have an issue with this - in fact he would wish her well. The fact that he doesn't like you smacks of jealousy imo. If she was over him, she wouldn't care who he pays attention to when he's with her - in fact she probably wouldn't spend so much time alone with him anyway. She definitely would not be going drinking with him without you and staying over at his house - you know what's going to happen! Your radar is telling you that there's something wrong here, and it certainly sounds like there is. Sure, you should have respect for her - but what about her respect (or lack of) for you? She's using the trust thing as an excuse to do whatever she wants, and you're letting her walk all over you, even though you know deep down that something isn't right. You need to give her an ultimatum: the ex or you - and be prepared for her to choose the ex. You need to make it clear that you won't stand for being strung along like this: she either commits to you or chases after the ex, end of story. If she chooses the ex, at least you know she wasn't so committed to you anyway - nobody chooses a current partner over an ex unless they still love the ex.
New Again Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 She is nowhere near over her ex. The only reason for staying friends with an ex is if you want to get them back, or if he/she is a genuinely good friend that you don't want to lose - this guy doesn't sound like a good friend to her, because he's taunting her about being with other women, so she's staying friends with this guy because she still has feelings for him. If it was over between them, they definitely would not be sending suggestive texts - and also you and he would be able to be friends, and neither of them would have an issue with this - in fact he would wish her well. The fact that he doesn't like you smacks of jealousy imo. If she was over him, she wouldn't care who he pays attention to when he's with her - in fact she probably wouldn't spend so much time alone with him anyway. She definitely would not be going drinking with him without you and staying over at his house - you know what's going to happen! Your radar is telling you that there's something wrong here, and it certainly sounds like there is. Sure, you should have respect for her - but what about her respect (or lack of) for you? She's using the trust thing as an excuse to do whatever she wants, and you're letting her walk all over you, even though you know deep down that something isn't right. You need to give her an ultimatum: the ex or you - and be prepared for her to choose the ex. You need to make it clear that you won't stand for being strung along like this: she either commits to you or chases after the ex, end of story. If she chooses the ex, at least you know she wasn't so committed to you anyway - nobody chooses a current partner over an ex unless they still love the ex. I agree with pretty much everything Thornton has said. I would like to just throw out there something to think about. It's not always the best idea to give an ultimatum; him or me. Yes, she might choose him, but there's also a good chance she'll "choose you" and just start hiding her contact and relationship with her ex. And of course she might choose you for real. She also might feel resentment, either at being forced to choose, or just the principle of being bossed around (whether or not that's the case - it can definitely be perceived that way). But I would recommend talking it over with her, rather than just saying "choose." I think if you calmly explain to her what I said above (what you want in a relationship, what you're comfortable with and what you're not, and so on, and is she on the same page with those things) you *might* get better results.
lostsunsets Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 You did the right thing. Oh, and for the record, its not about trust. Its about someone you love not wanting to hurt or worry you. That's what love is. The funny thing is TRUST comes from not hurting or worrying the other. That's how you earn trust. Tell her that. Oh and I almost forgot. There are three things that should never be in a sentence together. Ex boyfriend, Alcohol, and sleepover.
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