bac Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I am in a FWBs relationship with a guy who is much younger than me. All I am looking for in a guy is good sex. Please, do not judge me for being in this period of my life now. It is supposed to be just for fun. And it was a lot of fun for a while. He was just perfect before lately. But recently he has neglected me by not answering my emails soon. So, I told him that he hurt my feelings. He answered that he had not been online in a few days because he was busy at work and getting ready for the start of the school semester. He told he did want to see me when he's done with business. The problem is that I got emotionally involved with this guy. So, I do not know what to do whether to break up with him because of my emotional involvement or to continue to have sex with him because sex is amazing. Any suggestions?
loveslife Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Do you want more of a relationship with him now? If so, maybe you should tell him. If you're not interested in more of a relationship or it's not feasible for some reason then I think it's probably a good idea to break up with him. Things could get messy. If you're emotionally invested you might start acting in way that make it a whole lot less fun all around. Good luck.
Vet Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 ...FWBs... hurt my feelings... Does not compute. If you can't play the game by the rules, then don't play at all. It doesn't really sound like you want this sort of relationship.
New Again Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I think it's natural to develop feelings for someone you're sleeping with. I also think it's natural to expect a certain level of respect in a FWB situation - both parties need to deliver on the friends part, IMO. That said, it's a bit of a contradiction to say you're only looking for sex in a guy, but have developed feelings for this guy. If you keep sleeping with this guy are you going to want more from him than just sex? *My current bf was my FWB for quite awhile. I developed feelings for him, but didn't want more until I got my ducks in a row and figured out a couple things in my life.
BCCA Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Here is my take... I dont think women are comfortable with most FWB's unless they are the ones who wanted it that way, and have a reason. I think most people like to believe that they are in a FWB situation because THEY want to be, not because the other person wants it, so when you realized that you were just a booty call to him, and he wasnt going to worry about returning your calls/emails right away, reality set in, and it stings. By the way you said 'break up with him', I can tell you are struggling to regain some of the power here. You dont break up with a booty call, you stop answering the phone or tell him youre dating someone. I honestly feel like youre only considering saying something because you want a reaction from him, some remorse, some concern that you could bail. But by definition, the FWB youre in obsolves him of any of that.
loveslife Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Is it possible he's not calling or responding because either: 1. He's dating someone and is growing more interested in her and is distancing from you. or 2. He can tell you're getting invested and he's trying to let you down easy. ???
Gemini09 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I am in a FWBs relationship with a guy who is much younger than me. All I am looking for in a guy is good sex. Please, do not judge me for being in this period of my life now. It is supposed to be just for fun. And it was a lot of fun for a while. He was just perfect before lately. But recently he has neglected me by not answering my emails soon. So, I told him that he hurt my feelings. He answered that he had not been online in a few days because he was busy at work and getting ready for the start of the school semester. He told he did want to see me when he's done with business. The problem is that I got emotionally involved with this guy. So, I do not know what to do whether to break up with him because of my emotional involvement or to continue to have sex with him because sex is amazing. Any suggestions? If you are just FWB, I think its understandable if he is not answering your emails at the rate you are hoping for. He's not committed to you or dating you. He is busy at work and with school. If he told you he wanted to see you when he's done, then I think I would just wait. If you want more that just sex, all you can do is ask him and see what he says. I wouldn't continue seeing him if only your emotions are involved, and he just wants sex.
Kamille Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 It's not the first time I see you mention that great sex is important for you and that this is the main reason you fell for and stay with this younger guy. It makes me feel like you're using the excuse of 'great sex' to justify staying in a relationship that is sub-par. To tell you the truth, i understand... It's tough walking away from great sex... Yet, in my experience, great sex is 50% the energy and emotions I put into things. And this, in my case, has meant that each new partner has been even more amazing then the last. So, don't let sex be the excuse. Evaluate what you want and if this guy isn't providing it, then yes, walk away.
dreamergrl Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Is it possible he's not calling or responding because either: 1. He's dating someone and is growing more interested in her and is distancing from you. or 2. He can tell you're getting invested and he's trying to let you down easy. ??? I agree with this. I also agree with the poster who said you don't break up with a FWB.
Author bac Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Does not compute. If you can't play the game by the rules, then don't play at all. It doesn't really sound like you want this sort of relationship. There are 2 different FWBs situations. 1. You like a guy a very little, he is OK/or so so at sex and you are with him just because you are in a drought. In other words, anything is better than nothing. Of course, you can not be emotionally involved with him because of all the above. Of course, you play by rules easily in this situation. 2. You both are looking for a FWBs relationship because you are in a drought. But, by chance, you like the guy, he is good at sex for you . It's just happened by a rare chance that sex turned to be good. If a female loves sex, she gets emotionally involved. In other words, women play by rules in FWBs relationships not because they are obeying the rules. But because disliking those guys comes naturally.
New Again Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Is there a difference between a FWB and a booty call? Maybe my FWB situation was a little more like extended dating or something, which would lead me to have higher expectations of the guy? I wouldn't "break up" with a booty call, I would just stop calling or responding...but in a FWB situation I would think as friends, you would respect the person enough to respond to emails and so forth, and also to let them know you weren't going to go down that road any longer with them. Not trying to threadjack, but I think a distinction between the two might change my advice.
Vet Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 There are 2 different FWBs situations. 1. You like a guy a very little, he is OK/or so so at sex and you are with him just because you are in a drought. In other words, anything is better than nothing. Of course, you can not be emotionally involved with him because of all the above. Of course, you play by rules easily in this situation. 2. You both are looking for a FWBs relationship because you are in a drought. But, by chance, you like the guy, he is good at sex for you . It's just happened by a rare chance that sex turned to be good. If a female loves sex, she gets emotionally involved. In other words, women play by rules in FWBs relationships not because they are obeying the rules. But because disliking those guys comes naturally. Actually, it doesn't really sound you understand the "friends with benefits" dynamic. I think the term originated between actual friends that realized they could also have sex. What you're describing is a no-strings attached sort of relationship. Semantics and definitions aside, it doesn't sound like you really understand the "rules" of either. Emotional, romantic connections don't exist in these worlds. If you can't have sex without involving these sorts of feelings, then you shouldn't be involving yourself in this kind of sex. Or in shorthand: "dump" him. Stop calling, stop answering.
loveslife Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I think a lot of times people refer to situations as FWB when really it's either a string of booty calls or no strings attached sex. FWB is somehow more pallatable. My feeling is this gives the woman a sense that she's getting something out of the R and it makes the man feel less like a jerk using a girl for sex. The one time I had a FWB relationship it was with a guy who was a friend first. He was actually an ex. I didn't much care for it so I stopped after 2 times.
Author bac Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Or in shorthand: "dump" him. Stop calling, stop answering. I had FWBs relationships before. I did not like the guys. I tried to ignore them to dump them. But it has never worked out. They were contacting me for months in spite of my silence and asking for a straight forward rejection.
dreamergrl Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I think a lot of times people refer to situations as FWB when really it's either a string of booty calls or no strings attached sex. FWB is somehow more pallatable. My feeling is this gives the woman a sense that she's getting something out of the R and it makes the man feel less like a jerk using a girl for sex. The one time I had a FWB relationship it was with a guy who was a friend first. He was actually an ex. I didn't much care for it so I stopped after 2 times. Again, I agree. My one 'FWB' we'd do plenty of things like gf/bf - and it would feel that way, even though it wasn't. He was getting what he wanted, but I was only getting a short term fix of what I wanted.
Vet Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I had FWBs relationships before. I did not like the guys. I tried to ignore them to dump them. But it has never worked out. They were contacting me for months in spite of my silence and asking for a straight forward rejection. Who cares? Keep ignoring them. If it's really a friendless, sexing-type relationship, then you don't owe them any closure (much like this guy owes you none).
New Again Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Who cares? Keep ignoring them. If it's really a friendless, sexing-type relationship, then you don't owe them any closure (much like this guy owes you none). So is this guy actually a friend or not?
BCCA Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Who cares? Keep ignoring them. If it's really a friendless, sexing-type relationship, then you don't owe them any closure (much like this guy owes you none). If youre going to handle it that way, you really have no room to complain if he keeps contacting you looking for an answer. You do owe him nothing, but he doesnt 'owe' it to you to get the point as quickly as you might like, either. So is this guy actually a friend or not? If youre going the MIA bit, apparently not. Thats pretty cold, even if you didnt really like them. I cant believe people still pull this crap, post-college, but its like EVERYONE does it.
Vet Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 If youre going to handle it that way, you really have no room to complain if he keeps contacting you looking for an answer. You do owe him nothing, but he doesnt 'owe' it to you to get the point as quickly as you might like, either. If youre going the MIA bit, apparently not. Thats pretty cold, even if you didnt really like them. I cant believe people still pull this crap, post-college, but its like EVERYONE does it. Definitely, but that's the nature of this kind of no-strings attached relationship--no strings, no commitments, and hence, no requirements.
Author bac Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Who cares? Keep ignoring them. If it's really a friendless, sexing-type relationship, then you don't owe them any closure (much like this guy owes you none). What is the rationale to be so cruel to your FWBs? How can you have sex with them if you hate them so much. Why would they even be your FWBs, if you disrespect them so much? If I want to end a FWBs relationship, I can be supportive and nice to them. For example, to let them know that they are great but I need to move in a different direction.
Vet Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 What is the rationale to be so cruel to your FWBs? How can you have sex with them if you hate them so much. Why would they even be your FWBs, if you disrespect them so much? If I want to end a FWBs relationship, I can be supportive and nice to them. For example, to let them know that they are great but I need to move in a different direction. It's not a matter of cruelty, it's a matter of understanding what the relationship is. It would be cruel to another person if you were using them in that manner and they didn't understand the dynamic of the relationship, but hopefully that isn't the case with yours. It wouldn't be cruel to drop them without a word; that's the point of no strings attached-type of relationships.
Author bac Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 It's not a matter of cruelty, it's a matter of understanding what the relationship is. It would be cruel to another person if you were using them in that manner and they didn't understand the dynamic of the relationship, but hopefully that isn't the case with yours. It wouldn't be cruel to drop them without a word; that's the point of no strings attached-type of relationships. Have you ever had any personal experiences of FWBs relationships? How many dates did they last? How do people communicate in FWBs relationships in the right way? I personally behave the same in any relationship. I am just trying to do my best to be nice. I always say to guys that I like them, that they are good-looking, talented, that they are great and everything like that. I also try to please them if I can. For example, to cook a dinner which they like, put their favorite music and have candles on. Please, let me know how other females behave in such relationships, if you had such experiences.
New Again Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Have you ever had any personal experiences of FWBs relationships? How many dates did they last? How do people communicate in FWBs relationships in the right way? I personally behave the same in any relationship. I am just trying to do my best to be nice. I always say to guys that I like them, that they are good-looking, talented, that they are great and everything like that. I also try to please them if I can. For example, to cook a dinner which they like, put their favorite music and have candles on. Please, let me know how other females behave in such relationships, if you had such experiences. Mine may not be the best example, since we ended up in a committed relationship. But as you said, being nice, treating them well, respect, etc.
missdependant Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Does not compute. If you can't play the game by the rules, then don't play at all. It doesn't really sound like you want this sort of relationship. Agree. I'm also curious as to how you can break up with someone that you're not even officially dating..
Vet Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Have you ever had any personal experiences of FWBs relationships? How many dates did they last? How do people communicate in FWBs relationships in the right way? I personally behave the same in any relationship. I am just trying to do my best to be nice. I always say to guys that I like them, that they are good-looking, talented, that they are great and everything like that. I also try to please them if I can. For example, to cook a dinner which they like, put their favorite music and have candles on. Please, let me know how other females behave in such relationships, if you had such experiences. No, I've never had sex with a friend (who really was a friend). Honestly, I've never had an actual friendship with a member of the opposite sex. However, I have had no strings attached relationships. Ones where we both knew that this was purely sex. There were no dates like in "I ask you out, you accept, we go do something" sort of sense. To date would have gone against the very nature of it. A date was a late-night rendezvous brought on by either copious amounts of alcohol or the pent-up feeling that occurred after a real date that didn't end in sex. We both were the aggressors in these situations. What you are describing is the antithesis of a no strings attached relationship, and wouldn't really be a FWB relationship. Would you treat a friend this way? If so, it would be creepy. A friend with benefits would be a friend that you just happen to also sleep with on occasion. What you are describing is how someone acts in a romantic relationship. If we were in a NSA or FWB relationship and you acted like that, it would set off warning signals that you didn't understand the dynamic, and I would take evasive action in getting the hell out before things became too crazy and you ended up hurt. That might be exactly what this guy you made this thread about is doing. The way you communicate is by being open, honest, and intellectually aware of what you are doing. If both parties agree and can play the game, then I don't see any harm in this kind of relationship. If either party can't set aside their emotions, it is a guaranteed drama inducer.
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