mnm Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I'm new to the site and thought you all could help maybe. Long story short been married 13 years have 3 kids. Husband had a 4 month emotional affair, swears nothing more. It ended a few months ago. He is doing everything to prove to me he is sorry, regain my trust, build our life back together. I had some emotional problems due to an IUD that messed me up for about a year and a half and turned me into a nut case. Constant changes in meds, craziness, and it made me emotionally unavailable. I am trying so hard to get over it, which I've been in counseling and my husband and I have talked a lot about it and how never to let us get that way again. We love each other very much. My question is why when things are going better do I still have issues with this and sometimes when I have too much to drink, I will bring something up. the affair is definetely over and there is no fear there really, it is just getting over the pain, how long does it take? What can I do to ease it? He is trying so hard to make up for it and I feel bad that my feelings are stunted. He doesnt understand (or maybe he does) the depth of the pain he caused. Rehashing doesn't solve anything doesn't do any good, just keeps it in the forefront. I want to forget it. Any suggestions, advice, or help?
Owl Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 You're still dwelling on it because it was a HUGE emotional trauma. It's considered by many who have gone through similar to being one of the most devestating events in their lives. You don't "get over it" overnight. Most experts agree that it typically takes 2-5 years to "recover" a marriage from infidelity. You're just a few months into the process. There are still many, many more 'stages' that you're going to go through as part of this. You need to seek out a marriage counselor who understands this and can help you cope and provide a good battle plan to guide your marriage through all of this. Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley...it's a good place to start.
stampdaddy Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Well, first realize that you shouldnt "have too much to drink" for a while if you recognize that the "truth serum" is causing you to say things that are obviously on your mind/heart. This isnt the time to "have conversations". But you know that. TIME, is your only friend here, it will take time and focussing on the "positives" that occur over that time between you and your husband. Nobody on the planet can tell you specifically how much time it will take. FORGIVENESS is what will occur over this time, and not to "excuse" him but he is human, and sometimes we humans "need" that emotional link that he seemed to lose with you temporarily. Sounds like that link is back and very well connected. Dont let the "communication" or lack thereof hurt this healing that from my view, seems to be doing as good if not better than it could. Hang in there
Author mnm Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Thanks, that's what my friends tell me too. We have talked about stuff, My main issue is the deep emotional connection that they had. It only lasted 4 months. He and I were so close and in love and life kinda got in the way and we slipped. I think there is some stuff he wont tell me, but swears nothing physical happened. He's cried and apologized and finally told me that he strayed because I wasn't me anymore which hurt, but he was right. Not justifying his actions, just accepting why. I have been in counseling. I was charged with DV because I came home and hit him, he hit me back, but I started it so I went. I love him very very much, but there is a small part of me that is dead. I hope it comes back. We really are working hard at it, I wish he was more understanding. I think he is so ashamed of his actions, he can't deal with them. When I do say stuff, he gets furious and threatens if I bring it up again, he may leave, I hate that.
Author mnm Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 I think part of my problem is that there are times my mind goes into overdrive and I have to work really hard on pulling myself out of it. I know better that to drink too much, I don't do it often because of that. I forget to make my positive list and look at the progress we've made sometimes.
stampdaddy Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Are YOU the only one in counselling? If so, you should BOTH be going, cause it is BOTH of your marriage that you BOTH should be trying to save, not just you. Saying "I'm sorry" is great, crying too. But there is WORK that has to be done... just saying
yummyyummy Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I have been in counseling. I was charged with DV because I came home and hit him, he hit me back, but I started it so I went. I love him very very much, but there is a small part of me that is dead. I hope it comes back. We really are working hard at it, I wish he was more understanding. I think he is so ashamed of his actions, he can't deal with them. When I do say stuff, he gets furious and threatens if I bring it up again, he may leave, I hate that. This part is more worrisome...the physical violence. If he did it too, he should be in counseling as well. And he really isn't in the position to be making ultimatums...he screwed up, he should be trying to rebuild your trust and endure the pain HE created...part of that is you being upset
Author mnm Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 The violence was an aberration, we have never been like that. In the 14 years we have been together things were tough at times, but it was like life got out of control. I know he should give ultimatums, not sure how to handle that. I don't need to drink just do it socially, and I'm not depressed, been on meds before and don't need them, just xanax for anxiety. I wish he was in counseling too, but I was afraid to push the issue in court because I didn't want him to go to jail. We really are doing better, he just doesnt want to talk. I just got him to admit that the reason he strayed was because I was not myself, no excuse, but it gives me insight. He never has opened up to me much or to anyone, except her.
freestyle Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I`d really like to recommend reading the book,"Not Just Friends". As the wise Owl reminded you, you`re only a few months into the recovery process, and it`s normal to be on the rollercoaster for quite some time yet. If you feel like your husband doesn`t understand how horrific the blow can be, perhaps you can suggest that he reads it, too. Perhaps he`ll gain some insight into what you`re feeling, if he`s willing.........
Gamine Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 The violence was an aberration, we have never been like that. In the 14 years we have been together things were tough at times, but it was like life got out of control. I know he should give ultimatums, not sure how to handle that. I don't need to drink just do it socially, and I'm not depressed, been on meds before and don't need them, just xanax for anxiety. I wish he was in counseling too, but I was afraid to push the issue in court because I didn't want him to go to jail. We really are doing better, he just doesnt want to talk. I just got him to admit that the reason he strayed was because I was not myself, no excuse, but it gives me insight. He never has opened up to me much or to anyone, except her. It can be unbearably stressful for a spouse to expect another to bring their "A" game consistently or suffer infidelity. That alone is abusive.
delajoonal Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 my H had an online EA for about 3 weeks... although it ended, ( see story under OW/OM posts from today), he left me anyway..said he now wanted to be alone..as he realized that women are NOT what he needs right now..he wants to come and go as he pleases, etc...that was 6 months ago.. anyway, before he left, we did try, but he said, that even it we stayed together, he would always be the cheater, and i would always be checking up on him, i.e. what is he doing on the computer, checking his cell phone, the cell bill, etc... he said, that he talked to some guys at work, and a few had PA, NOT EA, but my H said no dif, because one guy said 7 years later, his wife was still NOT over it and his life was hell..and they ALL said IT was never worth it the A's, they all said if they had the chance to do it again, they would NEVER EVER have had an affair...cause even tho they still love their W, the W neVer have been the same... somethings u just can't fix or forget:( but then again, it depends on how long you have married, how strong your friendship is with your H/W...and MC and/or IC....group therapy anything... and most important, a transparent marriage.
Author mnm Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 We have had a very strong marriage. We can look back at the last couple years and see how we deteriorated. We had great financial status, we worked together and loved it. He had a small breakdown 3 months after our 3rd and unplanned child was born, he blew his knee 3 months after that. Lost his managment position because of conflict of interest. He was great at his job and so he was lost. We're self employed insurance reps. He just gave up on the family and himself. LOcked himself in our room, didn't work for a year and a half all the while making me pick up the pieces of our work. I didn't make enough money because I gave up to on work and him. I figured why do I always have to be the one to keep it together. He cashed out and then I did. He tried to blame me cuz our sex life was stilted, but duh, no emotional connection no real connection sexually. He has been patient, but he thinks because its over and done with (being a man) I shouldn't still be in pain. I think it hurts him too much because he truly knows the pain I'm in and that's why he gets defensive. HE is the type of guy that unless he is providing for his family he feels worthless and someone came along and made him feel alive. I don't check email or phone records too much anymore I did at first because I know its over and done with. I don't want him to feel trapped. I've started to trust him again because when he said it was finally over, I was obsessed with checking into everything and nothing was there. He didn't know I did it. The thing of it is is that most times I do really good, then I go downhill for a while then back up. I feel like I'm losing my mind. 14 years is a lot of time to just throw away especially when it was both of us that gave up on each other for a while, we can get it back and we both want that. One thing I have always known about him is that he loves me with everything he has. It's almost like he doesn't feel worthy of my love?
Author mnm Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 my H had an online EA for about 3 weeks... although it ended, ( see story under OW/OM posts from today), he left me anyway..said he now wanted to be alone..as he realized that women are NOT what he needs right now..he wants to come and go as he pleases, etc...that was 6 months ago.. anyway, before he left, we did try, but he said, that even it we stayed together, he would always be the cheater, and i would always be checking up on him, i.e. what is he doing on the computer, checking his cell phone, the cell bill, etc... he said, that he talked to some guys at work, and a few had PA, NOT EA, but my H said no dif, because one guy said 7 years later, his wife was still NOT over it and his life was hell..and they ALL said IT was never worth it the A's, they all said if they had the chance to do it again, they would NEVER EVER have had an affair...cause even tho they still love their W, the W neVer have been the same... somethings u just can't fix or forget:( but then again, it depends on how long you have married, how strong your friendship is with your H/W...and MC and/or IC....group therapy anything... and most important, a transparent marriage. I went through that with him too, the thing is it took him a while to finally get what he needed to do and he has. The phone is always out, I know all the passwords, he may not like it, but he understands I need this to heal. He may sound insensitive, but, deep down he knows. If he wanted to go, he was more than welcome. What shows me he is sorry and really loves me, I pushed and pushed and he never left. He is always there. He's turned into my protector and told me he will never let anyone hurt me again. His own way of trying to make up for what he did.
delajoonal Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 mnm.... i hope i can borrow a page from your book..meaning, ive been married nearly 14 years as well...and if MY H comes home..i would do all that you are..and just really work on it...like i said, we tried, I tried..he said he didn't expect me to react the way i did..he thought i would flip out, break things, burn the house down..JK..or something crazy...but i cried..quietly, i spoke..calmly, etc...and it freaked him out... then finding out the OW was indeed very real, and NOT a fairy princess he had portrayed her to be..(see in my other posts)...so...it just all fell apart...we NEVER got to talk.. i to this day have NO clue why he is stils so angry...he treats me as tho i had the EA...weird, right? anyway...so much has happened in the past 6 months since H left... how do i get that back? how do you start over? i was willing to forgive and move on from the EA.... but he wasn't.... so, mnm, you are super lucky to have an H that is so in love with you...he is doing everything and anything to keep your marriage together and YOU happy... good luck and congrats..really:) i will check back..keep us posted, OK...
Author mnm Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I am so sorry that it was like that. I did the opposite of you when I found out. I flipped!!! I broke things destroyed our garage, and was an emotional mess! He made me feel like I was the one that did it too. But to be honest, he had as much to get over as I did. I did a ton of research and that started the healing process. I was a mess for about a year and a half due to an IUD that messed up my hormones and made me almost dead inside. Once I realized his side, not condoning just understanding the process it took to get there, it got better. I'm saying I don't still hurt, but I know in my heart of hearts that it will get better. Being on here since yesterday helps a lot. I realize that a lot worse could have happened. Also venting and getting advice is great. I didnt know if we were going to make it through. We had so much anger and resentment built up against each other from the past year, we had to get past that and start being a couple again. HE tells me everyday how much he loves me how beautiful I am, things he stopped saying. I get up with every morning make his coffee, pack his lunch. He calls me at least once a day to say hi. Writing this stuff down puts the progress we've made into perspective. Thank you everyone.
foreal Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I am so sorry that it was like that. I did the opposite of you when I found out. I flipped!!! I broke things destroyed our garage, and was an emotional mess! He made me feel like I was the one that did it too. But to be honest, he had as much to get over as I did. I did a ton of research and that started the healing process. I was a mess for about a year and a half due to an IUD that messed up my hormones and made me almost dead inside. Once I realized his side, not condoning just understanding the process it took to get there, it got better. I'm saying I don't still hurt, but I know in my heart of hearts that it will get better. Being on here since yesterday helps a lot. I realize that a lot worse could have happened. Also venting and getting advice is great. I didnt know if we were going to make it through. We had so much anger and resentment built up against each other from the past year, we had to get past that and start being a couple again. HE tells me everyday how much he loves me how beautiful I am, things he stopped saying. I get up with every morning make his coffee, pack his lunch. He calls me at least once a day to say hi. Writing this stuff down puts the progress we've made into perspective. Thank you everyone. MNM: How did you discover the A? Did you H confess or did you find something and then he came clean? Him not wanting to talk about it is a red flag IMO. Why are you so sure it was not a PA? What evidence do you have that it was only EA?
Snowflower Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 MNM: How did you discover the A? Did you H confess or did you find something and then he came clean? Him not wanting to talk about it is a red flag IMO. Why are you so sure it was not a PA? What evidence do you have that it was only EA? I know this directed at mnm but there is nothing 'only' about an EA...an EA is as bad as or many times worse than a PA. I agree though that the OP's husband refusal to talk is a big red flag.
Author mnm Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 MNM: How did you discover the A? Did you H confess or did you find something and then he came clean? Him not wanting to talk about it is a red flag IMO. Why are you so sure it was not a PA? What evidence do you have that it was only EA? I had thought for a while a month or two something wasnt right. He didnt go out or anything, not much. A couple text messages I found, a lie he told me about who sent it. The same number (after I found the txt) under a different contact in his phone. He would never let me see his phone it was always hidden and on silent or vibrate, he never did that before. He was drinking more than usual very short tempered with me and the kids and pretty much locked himself away from us. Finally one night I woke up and saw him grab his phone and when he went back to sleep, I grabbed it and found pictures. Nothing naked but obviously inappropriate. I confronted him at 4 a.m. (he found me laying on the floor in our room). He said it was a friend that was drunk in a bar sending them. Yea right. That's how I found out. AFter my post about not talking, we have a lot about things. I can't say for sure about the PA, but I asked for honesty last week. He wasn't away from the house hardly at all. He said it wasnt like that there was no physical involvement. I believe him, I know I probably shouldn't but we have talked about it a lot and he swears he never touched her not even holding hands.
foreal Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I know this directed at mnm but there is nothing 'only' about an EA...an EA is as bad as or many times worse than a PA. I agree though that the OP's husband refusal to talk is a big red flag. Yes for sure EA is as bad/worse....but if H had a PA as well and is not coming clean....not good...that is all I was getting to-
pruh74 Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I can't say for sure about the PA, but I asked for honesty last week. He wasn't away from the house hardly at all. He said it wasnt like that there was no physical involvement. I believe him, I know I probably shouldn't but we have talked about it a lot and he swears he never touched her not even holding hands. I'm happy to hear you're on the road to recovery. That road is very rocky at times. My H hasn't come completely clean and I still have the highs and lows. One thing I've read here and have experienced myself, H doesn't always come completely clean at first. He'll give you just enough to lighten his conscience and satisfy you but will keep the other stuff under wraps. It took over a year to find out the truth about something that happened with a "friend". It took me not hounding him but applying pressure every now and then and he finally cracked. He had the beginning of a PA. It went from she just came over to talk to we might have cuddled a little bit to she kissed me to we made out a couple of times but never had sex. (I know the last part is true bc I contacted her and verified. She actually had a conscience and stopped it) I'm not saying your H still hasn't come completely clean. I sincerely hope he has. Just stay strong. You will continue to have the highs and lows for a while but the end product, a happy marriage, is worth it to me. Good luck dear one, Pru
Author mnm Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Pruh74: Thanks for your experience. It is so weird that I just checked this post. I have been so stressed lately that it seems I can't get this out of my head. Our son has been having a lot of behavioral problems and we had to admit him into inpatient. That stress has led to my mind going into overdrive. Thanks for the pick me up. I know he will eventually come clean totally and I will be patient and prod every now and then. To be a shrew just does not work. He has been trying so hard to make things right, made huge personality changes. I asked him why and he said it was time to grow up and he loved his family. Here's a question, why when he's trying so hard do you still sometimes feel stuck in the same spot? Not all the time. Why when you want to move forward even more you feel blocked? Is it my brain blocking me?
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