BigBubbs Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 My ex girlfriend frequently gave ultimatums in our 1 and a half year relationship where if I would question certain things it was over. When she did this I would always buckle and tell her sorry and how important she was and generally grovle my way out of the problem and back onto solid footing. She had low self esteem and had been in several abusive relationships before and had admitted that her natural reaction now was to run away from confrontation and problems. Last week she finally gave another ultimatum and this time I simply didn't buckle and called her on it. We broke up and now I am wondering what to do. She is a runner and I'm afraid she just going to run, but my heart is broken because I think she probably can't believe I didn't buckle like always and I let her go. What do I do as I really do love this lady?
silic0ntoad Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Let her run. I was with a runner too. She hasn't looked back, even though she said it was "different" this time. So, give her a taste of her own medicine. You stood up for yourself. You need to do that. You can't let someone walk all over you for fear that they will leave you if you do so. That's totally uncalled for.
Thaddeus Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 You stood up for yourself. You need to do that. You can't let someone walk all over you for fear that they will leave you if you do so. That's totally uncalled for.+1. Quoted for truth. Ultimatums are emotional blackmail. Caving into them is about the worst thing you could do.
Heartford Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 You did the right thing. I've dated someone who didn't give me verbal ultimatems, but basically gave me ultimatems in how he acted. If I told him something that I needed from him that was very important to me, he would say the right things, but then go out of his way to be sure to do the opposite of what I expressed the first chance he got. Finally I figured out how he was consistently lowering the bar for how he could treat me. When I confronted him about it he tried to ignore me, joke his way out of it, and then he just ran away as soon as I said "seriously, treating me this way is NOT COOL." I think he's just waiting for me to cave in and reach out to him, but I've been told this would just lead him to continue his disrespect of me. I actually think he's disrespecting himself mostly, but understanding respect is a difficult one for me, I have to admit. Anyway, I'm sure she expects you to reach out as you usually do, but I don't think you should. What will you do if she reaches out to you first (or has she already)?
gd26 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 This is a situation where you absolutely MUST not cave in to her or ask for her back. Trust me on this. I am familiar with emotional blackmail, having received it myself (not from a romantic relationship, but from family members). If she doesn't come back because you stood up for yourself, then she wasn't right for you at all - as nobody who values themselves or their partners should have any issue with their partner wanting to be treated right. Most likely she is just waiting for you to cave in to her, and when you do cave in, then in her eyes she'll respect you even less. She'll know that she has the upper hand as she can treat you poorly and you'll still come back to her. However, if you stay strong, there is a good possibility that she may be the one who starts freaking out realizing that you called her bluff and now she is the one without a partner for her bad behavior. That might be exactly the wake-up call she needs to change her ways. (And if that were the case, you shouldn't give into her quickly as she might be nice for a few weeks and then go back to her old behavior. But if she actually took the months to get herself straightened out, maybe she could possibly understand how destructive her behavior is.) I know you are probably very uncomfortable thinking that you might be losing your relationship for standing up for yourself. And yes, it might be a possibility that she may not come back (although I suspect she will). But what you have to realize even if she doesn't come back, is that losing yourself is much worse than losing someone else. When you always cave into someone's emotional blackmail, you lose yourself in the process. Even though losing someone else may be painful - as you crave the companionship and intimacy and comfort, it isn't as important as being respected (both by yourself and someone who truly values you as an equal).
Enema Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Agree with the others. Don't give in to those sorts of demands, she's not your boss and has no right to control you. Would be interested to hear the specifics of the ultimatum that broke the camels back though. If it's something like, "stop getting drunk and fingering my sister or we're quits" - then we might need to reconsider
Exit Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Ultimatums are garbage and I think you did the right thing. I was I had done that with my ex. Two times she wanted a "break" and gave me an ultimatum to go along with it or break up with her right then and there. Wish I had been smart enough to tell her to hit the bricks. Another red flag that I totally overlooked about her, you don't issue ultimatums to someone you care about. Although both times she came back and our relationship continued, I gave up a lot of my power in the relationship and she knew she was in control.
CaliGuy Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Your alternative to not buckling is to be in a relationship with someone who manipulates you to get what she wants all the time. Let me ask you something. "What part does manipulation play in a healthy relationship?" Answer? None. Be thankful that you finally stood up for yourself. If she doesn't come back, be glad. She'll be manipulating someone else. This goes to show you that insecure people are terrible relationship material. Honestly, you should be GRATEFUL she ran. You should be waving goodbye to her while simultaneously jumping for joy inside.
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