Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I often wonder if that's how it's really suppose to be, instead of all the 'hard working' relationships.I don't know about anyone else but I can say that this has been the best relationship I've ever had, bar none.
Author dreamergrl Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Hmm.. I once dated a guy who told me he never cried. He also told me he had no conscious and he was incredibly insensitive as well. He turned out be a total jerk. I was personally never physically abused by him, but from some incidents he brought up from the past, I believe he may have been abusive towards women. He grew up in an abusive environment, and did not have a very good family life. I'm sure this affected him much so. What's odd is he actually loved to watch girly movies. :confused:I'm not saying all men that never cry turn out like this, but I think it could indicate a further issue. I think it's very unhealthy if a man or anyone never cries. It may not be healthy to cry frequently, but if you never cry or rarely do so, I think something is a little unusual. People who come from abusive or traumatic childhoods often have trouble expressing or even feeling emotions because they block out all the pain as a coping mechanism. Perhaps this is why I've never been comfortable sharing emotion at my Dad's, because that is where my trauma happened, where as with my mom, I was okay with it, and at times was overly emotional. It's not uncommon for those who have been abused to become the abuser, because it is what they know.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I don't know about anyone else but I can say that this has been the best relationship I've ever had, bar none. how did your ex-H compare in terms of sensitivity to your current guy?
Isolde Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I have almost zero relationship experience, so I can't really answer this fully, dreamer. All I can say is I don't mind occasional crying as long as it's not thrown in my face to get a reaction. If you need rough numbers, twice a year would be fine, twice a month too much. Oh, and by this I mean light crying, not full blown weep sessions.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 how did your ex-H compare in terms of sensitivity to your current guy?My ex-H was totally insensitive externally, very sensitive, internally. My fiance is externally and internally aware to a degree. No major mood swings, very even keeled. He's rock solid internally.
Author dreamergrl Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 I don't know about anyone else but I can say that this has been the best relationship I've ever had, bar none. You know, I'm not sure if I'd want to be with someone who shared the same negative triggers as myself. Going back to past patterns with guys, when finding a man that relates to me, they don't end up being good for me.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 You know, I'm not sure if I'd want to be with someone who shared the same negative triggers as myself. Going back to past patterns with guys, when finding a man that relates to me, they don't end up being good for me.Perhaps you need someone who's got a more complementary personality, rather than a similar personality.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 My ex-H was totally insensitive externally, very sensitive, internally. I guess that would make sense if he had NPD.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Perhaps you need someone who's got a more complementary personality, rather than a similar personality. Ditto. I wouldn't want somebody as sensitive as I am.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I guess that would make sense if he had NPD.There's no such thing as "had" with NPD. He still has it but continues going to therapy and working on it. I'm quite proud of him for working on this, as hard as he has. It shows. Ditto. I wouldn't want somebody as sensitive as I am.But shadow, someone less sensitive will probably hurt your feelings more. You say you want an alpha but an alpha would probably grind you down emotionally. And yet, sensitive men don't appeal to you. Do you see the disconnect?
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 There's no such thing as "had" with NPD. He still has it but continues going to therapy and working on it. I'm quite proud of him for working on this, as hard as he has. It shows. But shadow, someone less sensitive will probably hurt your feelings more. You say you want an alpha but an alpha would probably grind you down emotionally. And yet, sensitive men don't appeal to you. Do you see the disconnect? I want somebody in between. Somebody who has some vulnerability and sensitivity beneath the surface but also has a good deal of strength. I don't think a guy like this would hurt my feelings, but they are tricky to find. Healthy, well-balanced people are rare. Either extreme doesn't mesh well with me (I've tried both).
Author dreamergrl Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 I want a sensitive man, but not one that is going to cry. And not quite as sensitive as I can be.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I want somebody in between. Somebody who has some vulnerability and sensitivity beneath the surface but also has a good deal of strength. I don't think a guy like this would hurt my feelings, but they are tricky to find. Healthy, well-balanced people are rare. Either extreme doesn't mesh well with me (I've tried both). You cannot gauge an alpha by your ex, since he had emotional issues. Most are fully capable of expressing their feelings but don't necessarily cry. Healthy, well balanced individuals can be on one side of central or the other side. You're not describing alpha qualities. More A-B qualities. I want a sensitive man, but not one that is going to cry. And not quite as sensitive as I can be.So someone who's middle ground, leaning towards the sensitive. It sounds like both you and shadow, don't want alphas.
Author dreamergrl Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Yes! Middle ground. I need balance. I haven't have balance (with a man) since... 2005 or so.
Isolde Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Yes! Middle ground. I need balance. I haven't have balance (with a man) since... 2005 or so. I'll join shadow and dreamer
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 It's weird, in that for once, I tried to be open-minded and got involved with an A-B. It messed me up a lot since his cues weren't of the consistency that I was used to, with alphas. It taught me to stay away from men like that, not that they're so horrible but that it doesn't work for me. So, time for you ladies to keep on dating, trying different types until you figure out what works for you.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 You cannot gauge an alpha by your ex, since he had emotional issues. Most are fully capable of expressing their feelings but don't necessarily cry. Healthy, well balanced individuals can be on one side of central or the other side. You're not describing alpha qualities. More A-B qualities. So someone who's middle ground, leaning towards the sensitive. It sounds like both you and shadow, don't want alphas. Not sure what to categorize it as, but I want a guy who is alpha on the surface but has a vulnerable/sensitive side underneath. Not too much vulnerability, just a healthy amount.
Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 So someone who's middle ground, leaning towards the sensitive. It sounds like both you and shadow, don't want alphas. I don't think that's an accurate assessment. Alphas can absolutely be sensitive. I know I am.
Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Not sure what to categorize it as, but I want a guy who is alpha on the surface but has a vulnerable/sensitive side underneath. Not too much vulnerability, just a healthy amount. I know where you're going with this, but I don't agree that alphas cannot be sensitive, whether on the outside or underneath the surface. The characters that make up an alpha are not ipso facto different from those that make up someone who's emotionally balanced. What you describe sounds like the perfect balance to me.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Not sure what to categorize it as, but I want a guy who is alpha on the surface but has a vulnerable/sensitive side underneath. Not too much vulnerability, just a healthy amount. So you're looking for internally and externally sensitive/vulnerable? When I say internally sensitive, I mean sensitive about self, where externally sensitive, is to be sensitive towards others.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 So you're looking for internally and externally sensitive/vulnerable? When I say internally sensitive, I mean sensitive about self, where externally sensitive, is to be sensitive towards others. A little of both, but leaning more towards sensitive towards others. I dated a guy once who was all wrapped up in his own problems but had little/no empathy for others. It was terrible. I guess I mean somebody who can understand and relate to emotions well and feels empathy at appropriate times. Like we'll watch a documentary together and have similar responses. Or if I have a bad day and I'm feeling a little touchy, he's ok with that. Not somebody who is always in a caretaker position. Just somebody who isn't freaked out by emotions and seems normal in his responses. And somebody who is able to feel deep emotions, whether it be love or pain, as long as the darker emotions don't predominate.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 A little of both, but leaning more towards sensitive towards others. I dated a guy once who was all wrapped up in his own problems but had little/no empathy for others. It was terrible. I guess I mean somebody who can understand and relate to emotions well and feels empathy at appropriate times. Like we'll both see a documentary and have a response if something bad happens to a person in it. Or if I have a bad day and I'm feeling a little touchy, he's ok with that. Not somebody who is always in a caretaker position. Just somebody who isn't freaked out by emotions and seems normal in his responses. And somebody who is able to feel deep emotions, whether it be love or pain, as long as the darker emotions don't predominate.The bolded word is key and goes back to similar foundational years about what's appropriate and what's not. Someone who "gets" you will do so, not only due to empathy but also with what they've learned and have taken in as core values.
You'reasian Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Well there was a time his mom visited for having foot surgery in that city, then the next week post surgery. Then another week it'd be over something trivial. Like a small mistake made by him or something. Another time, he started crying over something I was dealing with, and it wasn't even a big deal. But most often, it was just little stuff, like things you'd think a 5 year old would cry over. Confrontation was either mean or crying with him. No balanced middle. It takes a lot to make most men cry - passing of a loved one, maybe divorce or some kind of pro-longed, intense emotional disturbance. Or gut wrenching pain, like a dislocation/fracture or getting shot. A buddy of mine who plays rugby lingered on for a few days with a fracture that kept getting worse and worse and he didn't flinch, until he had to cease activity. He didn't cry at all. Another one got completely, totally humiliated and while he was obviously upset didn't cry either. Crying over foot surgery is very unusual.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Sensitivity in men....THIS much is too much. LOL...I love that movie.
carhill Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 As an older man, I find I tend to cry more when I'm happy than sad or hurt. Babies being born, feeling a friend's love, marveling at the world around me, looking upon successes I've wrought of my own hand, lots of things. We have a lot to be thankful for, and that's emotional.
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