Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Absolutely. And I understand that people have different ways of communicating and expressing themselves...but I still have a hard time with adults crying unless there's been a death, sickness, stress, etc.How about whining, pouting and self-pity? We were allowed our 3 seconds of each and then it was time to get cracking and move on or get back into the saddle to accomplish! Yes, if it's trauma based, I can handle it. If it's out of the blue, I can't handle it, since they can't express why they're crying in terms that make sense to me.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Absolutely. And I understand that people have different ways of communicating and expressing themselves...but I still have a hard time with adults crying unless there's been a death, sickness, stress, etc. Do you come from a WASPy background? My ex was 100% blue-blood WASP, and his family interacted in an oddly cold manner. His parents were very friendly, but I noticed that everyone related to each other in an oddly detached, superficial way. There was almost never a display or expression of real emotion. His grandmother was like this to an extreme. She didn't even shed a tear at the funeral when her husband of seventy years died. She was a very controlled (and controlling) woman. Your typical matriarch. One of my favorite movies, Ordinary People, deals with a WASP family like this and the emotionally traumatic impact it can have on a young person.
Vet Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Do you come from a WASPy background? My ex was 100% blue-blood WASP, and his family interacted in an oddly cold manner. His parents were very friendly, but I noticed that everyone related to each other in an oddly detached, superficial way. There was almost never a display or expression of real emotion. His grandmother was like this to an extreme. She didn't even shed a tear at the funeral when her husband of seventy years died. Wait, because you knew one guy once, you've categorized his entire group of people as a certain way?
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Wait, because you knew one guy once, you've categorized his entire group of people as a certain way? Nope. I've known many people with WASP backgrounds and grew up in a town full of WASP families. It's common knowledge that there's that emotionally cold tendency in their culture.
Phateless Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Good thread. There are times when I wonder if I'm too sensitive.
New Again Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 How about whining, pouting and self-pity? We were allowed our 3 seconds of each and then it was time to get cracking and move on or get back into the saddle to accomplish! Yes, if it's trauma based, I can handle it. If it's out of the blue, I can't handle it, since they can't express why they're crying in terms that make sense to me. Yup, this all sounds familiar to me Do you come from a WASPy background? My ex was 100% blue-blood WASP, and his family interacted in an oddly cold manner. His parents were very friendly, but I noticed that everyone related to each other in an oddly detached, superficial way. There was almost never a display or expression of real emotion. His grandmother was like this to an extreme. She didn't even shed a tear at the funeral when her husband of seventy years died. She was a very controlled (and controlling) woman. Your typical matriarch. Nope not WASP, except the white part. Everyone in my family is very affectionate, warm, and emotionally close to each other. My siblings are my best friends. We all love our parents and know we are loved by them. All of us would do anything for each other.
carhill Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Good thread. There are times when I wonder if I'm too sensitive. LOL, I don't need to 'wonder'. Long foregone conclusion in my case...
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Wait, because you knew one guy once, you've categorized his entire group of people as a certain way? Here's the first paragraph of a NY Times article about movies relating to WASP families: They're cold as ice, they're wound like springs, and they make everyone around them miserable. In the movies, Robert Redford's "Ordinary People" (1980) was the classic indictment of WASP's. The only way Mr. and Mrs. Jarret (Donald Sutherland and Mary Tyler Moore) could think of to cope with the drowning of their oldest son and the attempted suicide of their youngest was through stiff upper lips, good manners and denial. It's not just me...
New Again Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Nope. I've known many people with WASP backgrounds and grew up in a town full of WASP families. It's common knowledge that there's that emotionally cold tendency in their culture. Sure, that's a definite stereotype. However, not everyone expresses themselves the same way, or is comfortable showing more extreme emotions in public.
New Again Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Here's the first paragraph of a NY Times article about movies relating to WASP families: They're cold as ice, they're wound like springs, and they make everyone around them miserable. In the movies, Robert Redford's "Ordinary People" (1980) was the classic indictment of WASP's. The only way Mr. and Mrs. Jarret (Donald Sutherland and Mary Tyler Moore) could think of to cope with the drowning of their oldest son and the attempted suicide of their youngest was through stiff upper lips, good manners and denial. It's not just me... So in that case they don't cry OR confront emotions through talking. TBF and I are both advocating communication of emotions and so on, just stating that our method of communication is WORDS, not TEARS.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 However, not everyone expresses themselves the same way, or is comfortable showing more extreme emotions in public. I think family upbringing plays a huge role in which category people fall into. This isn't about emotional displays in public, but what somebody feels comfortable with in private. I still feel that a balance is most healthy, and that people who have trouble ever crying have emotional hangups.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I should say that none of us are big on PDA, beyond the line in the sand. Holding hands, arms around each other, a hand to the back, hugs, light pecks for kisses, are all good. Hands on arses/private areas of the body or tongue down the throat, not good. Perhaps this is the coldness you speak of, shadow?
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I think family upbringing plays a huge role in which category people fall into. This isn't about emotional displays in public, but what somebody feels comfortable with in private. I still feel that a balance is most healthy, and that people who have trouble ever crying have emotional hangups.That's quite a judgement shadow. If someone doesn't burst into tears for no good reason, they have emotional issues?
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I should say that none of us are big on PDA, beyond the line in the sand. Holding hands, arms around each other, a hand to the back, hugs, light pecks for kisses, are all good. Hands on arses/private areas of the body or tongue down the throat, not good. Perhaps this is the coldness you speak of, shadow? Haha, no that's not an emotional expression, that's just a crass display of lust. I also feel uncomfortable and insulted if a guy gropes me in public. Light PDA is all good. Emotional coldness would be rarely telling your partner or a child that you love them, rarely allowing somebody an emotional release (like crying).
Author dreamergrl Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Okay... I'm way behind here... so I'm going to try to catch up. For me, growing up, it was both emotional and logical verbal pleads to get what I wanted - with my mom. My dad, I had a very hard time showing my emotional side towards. I dont' mean tantrums, but just my feelings in general. I hated asking him for anything, nor did I like getting help from him, it made me uncomfortable. I love PDA, once I'm comfortable with the guy. Not like out of control, I'm all over him, but kissing, hand holding, hugs (I love hugs) and what not.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 That's quite a judgement shadow. If someone doesn't burst into tears for no good reason, they have emotional issues? Nope, I didn't say that. There's a huge range between somebody who bursts into tears for no reason and somebody who almost never cries, even in the face of trauma. I would say both extremes are unhealthy and riddled with hang-ups. I dated a guy who was constantly crying and it was very draining for me. Also a huge turn off. But dating somebody who was emotionally distant and unable to cry was equally frustrating.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Haha, no that's not an emotional expression, that's just a crass display of lust. I also feel uncomfortable and insulted if a guy gropes me in public. Light PDA is all good.I neither like watching or participating in any kind over the top PDA. Emotional coldness would be rarely telling your partner or a child that you love them, rarely allowing somebody an emotional release (like crying).But telling a partner daily that you love them, for me, stops making it meaningful. As for telling your child daily, I think it's important since they need far more nurturing, than an equal partner. You can demonstrate how much you love a partner, through actions as well. Bursting into tears is self-defeating, in that you can emotionally release through words, just as easily, and still accomplish strong communications and connections.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Nope, I didn't say that. There's a huge range between somebody who bursts into tears for no reason and somebody who almost never cries, even in the face of trauma. I would say both extremes are unhealthy and riddled with hang-ups. I dated a guy who was constantly crying and it was very draining for me. Also a huge turn off. But dating somebody who was emotionally distant and unable to cry was equally frustrating.I know I expressed that traumatic reasons are worthwhile to cry about. Beyond that, I can't relate. I cannot imagine being with a man who cried once a year. I've yet to be with someone that sensitive.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Okay... I'm way behind here... so I'm going to try to catch up. For me, growing up, it was both emotional and logical verbal pleads to get what I wanted - with my mom. My dad, I had a very hard time showing my emotional side towards. I dont' mean tantrums, but just my feelings in general. I hated asking him for anything, nor did I like getting help from him, it made me uncomfortable. I love PDA, once I'm comfortable with the guy. Not like out of control, I'm all over him, but kissing, hand holding, hugs (I love hugs) and what not. Ditto. My mom is more emotional than my father (she comes from a large Italian family). I felt more comfortable expressing my feelings with her. My dad is emotionally distant. I've never seen him cry. Actually, I don't think that's so unusual. I doubt most fathers would cry in front of their kids, and I don't think it would be healthy for them to do so. I know it would have made me feel extremely uncomfortable since I saw him as a figure of strength. But a romantic relationship, in which there's total intimacy, is different.
Vet Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I think family upbringing plays a huge role in which category people fall into. This isn't about emotional displays in public, but what somebody feels comfortable with in private. I still feel that a balance is most healthy, and that people who have trouble ever crying have emotional hangups. Yeah, those blacks are always raised in single-parent homes.... Jews are always domineering patriarchal figures.... It's fun to generalize and categorize people, but I don't think it carries much weight intellectually.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I neither like watching or participating in any kind over the top PDA. But telling a partner daily that you love them, for me, stops making it meaningful. As for telling your child daily, I think it's important since they need far more nurturing, than an equal partner. You can demonstrate how much you love a partner, through actions as well. Bursting into tears is self-defeating, in that you can emotionally release through words, just as easily, and still accomplish strong communications and connections. I wouldn't disagree with that. I think reminding your partner once or twice a week is good.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I know I expressed that traumatic reasons are worthwhile to cry about. Beyond that, I can't relate. I cannot imagine being with a man who cried once a year. I've yet to be with someone that sensitive. I might have to change my original statement. I think at the beginning of a relationship, it's normal and healthy to see your partner cry in the first year or two. At that point you're revealing deep truths about yourself and forming bonds of trust. Later on, it might become excessive. I don't feel comfortable with somebody who never cries, at least with not me around.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Yeah, those blacks are always raised in single-parent homes.... Jews are always domineering patriarchal figures.... It's fun to generalize and categorize people, but I don't think it carries much weight intellectually. First off where did I say "always?" There are certain cultural norms. Some cultures are more expressive with their emotions than others. Anyone who denies this is simply ignorant. Recognizing that isn't stereotyping as long as you qualify your judgments by allowing for exceptions from the rule.
Isolde Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Since my parents have fairly different emotional styles, I'm familiar with different kinds of expression. People in my family are very stubborn so would hold back from verbalizing when upset (I'm probably the most verbal person in my immediate family), but this was the worst possible coping mechanism in those situations. I also think a SO should be someone that doesn't judge you for needing a release but gratuitous weekly crying is too much where I'm concerned. In addition, there's a difference betwen getting misty eyed and actually weeping; I do the former much more often than the letter.
Isolde Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I might have to change my original statement. I think at the beginning of a relationship, it's normal and healthy to see your partner cry in the first year or two. At that point you're revealing deep truths about yourself and forming bonds of trust. Later on, it might become excessive. I disagree with this completely. If anything, the allowance for occasional displays of emotion should build up over time.
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