Sensitivity in men.... how much is too much?

[Gemini09]

I don't think its too healthy if a man is incredibly overly sensitive. Same for women. I have to say, I would prefer to have a man who is more sensitive and tender-hearted, than one who is lacking sensitivity and emotions.

 

I think if a man holds back his emotions or rarely cries, he may have a much greater chance of relieving the pent up frustrations in a negative, possibly destructive way. I like guys who will watch girl movies, from time to time. If I witnessed them crying, I think it might be a bit awkward to be honest. Once in a while would be ok.

 

I think its considerable for a guy to shed some tears if someone close to them is very ill or passes away. Some guys cry after a break up as well, or if they have been heart broken. I think these things are reasonable.

[39388]

Crying is something that seems to happen more than people admit. I'm much closer to "average" for a male than I thought, assuming this study is accurate.

 

http://www.primalinstitute.com/newsletter/bernfeld1.html

 

"The mean emotional crying frequency for normal females (5.3 + 0.3 episode per month) was significantly greater than (1.4 + 0.4 episodes per month) of "normal males." While only six percent of the females had no emotional crying episodes in the 30 day recording period, 45 percent of the males had no crying episodes."

 

"That women cry five times as much as men does not seem surprising, given the social taboos associated with crying that many men feel. Although this study is representative of the adult, primarily white Minnesota population, it is reasonably clear that the trends reported can be generalized to a much broader population, both in the United States in other countries."

[New Again]

A good communicator, doesn't need to be overly emotional, whereby he's forever sobbing away. It's probably because I don't cry very often, that it would bother me to be with someone like that. My guy isn't the sensitive type but a strong communicator, so it works well for both of us.

 

*This*

 

I think one reason men hate when women cry is because they feel it's a breakdown in communication. And it's true. More often than not, once crying starts, the conversation stops, or changes direction (comforting, etc.).

[dreamergrl]

A good communicator, doesn't need to be overly emotional, whereby he's forever sobbing away. It's probably because I don't cry very often, that it would bother me to be with someone like that. My guy isn't the sensitive type but a strong communicator, so it works well for both of us.

 

But even when I was overly emotional and cried more, it bothered me if a guy cried too much.

[Trialbyfire]

Holy Dinah! Do people really cry that much?

 

Edit - this is in reference to those stats.

[New Again]

Holy Dinah! Do people really cry that much?

 

Edit - this is in reference to those stats.

 

x2

 

Seriously??

[clv0116]

I saw a guy drop his brand new R1 in a parking lot last week and I wept, it was too much to bear.

[Trialbyfire]

*This*

 

I think one reason men hate when women cry is because they feel it's a breakdown in communication. And it's true. More often than not, once crying starts, the conversation stops, or changes direction (comforting, etc.).

 

But even when I was overly emotional and cried more, it bothered me if a guy cried too much.

Unless there's a traumatic reason, I honestly don't know how to handle a man who's crying. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

[39388]

Holy Dinah! Do people really cry that much?

 

Edit - this is in reference to those stats.

The study does have its limitations and I don't know if there's a better one out there. It came up first in google. It seems to me that those that cry very little have no problem telling the world and those that cry a lot tend to avoid telling people.

[dreamergrl]

Unless there's a traumatic reason, I honestly don't know how to handle a man who's crying. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

 

I'm actually like this with most people. Is that bad?

[39388]

I saw a guy drop his brand new R1 in a parking lot last week and I wept, it was too much to bear.

Sure you did.

[New Again]

I'm actually like this with most people. Is that bad?

 

Na, I'm the same way. Deaths and so on aside, I can deal with words, tears not so much.

[Keoki]

There's no way I could date a man so sensitive he cried on a weekly basis! Blech!

[carhill]

I'm actually like this with most people. Is that bad?

Are you uncomfortable with emotional exposure? Crying is a physical manifestation of otherwise hidden facets of a person's psyche.

 

Yesterday, I was visiting my best friend and he got called away to his mother's ALF because she was in extreme pain and couldn't get up out of her chair. I went with him. Watching him attend to her brought some tears to my eyes. Why? Because I saw myself, for a number of years, doing exactly the same thing for my mom, and was both sad that she can never communicate her appreciation to me ever again, but yet happy that he and his mom still can have a loving and aware relationship.

 

One person, one day, one example, one datapoint.

 

IMO, statistics are for statisticians. Their relevance in real life situations is limited at best. Accepting and loving who one is finds far more relevance for me. YMMV

[Thaddeus]

Humor seems to be lost on some of the members here.

 

Yes, my list was partially tongue-in-cheek, but the point is that, whether we like it or not, crying in a man is perceived as weakness. I'm not saying it is, but I'm saying it's most often perceived like that. There are situations where it's appropriate, but by and large a man is expected to keep those strong emotions in check.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm actually like this with most people. Is that bad?

I can't say whether it's good or bad. Not everyone can handle tears.

 

It seems to me that those that cry very little have no problem telling the world and those that cry a lot tend to avoid telling people.

I don't disagree with this.

 

Na, I'm the same way. Deaths and so on aside, I can deal with words, tears not so much.

I grew up in a family environment that was physically/verbally demonstrative with positive emotions, like love, like, etc and verbally demonstrative with negative emotions. So when someone is always in tears, it's impossible for me to handle this, since they're not expressing their emotions to me in a way that I can understand or relate to.

 

It's why I suck with sensitive individuals.

[39388]

Humor seems to be lost on some of the members here.

 

Yes, my list was partially tongue-in-cheek, but the point is that, whether we like it or not, crying in a man is perceived as weakness. I'm not saying it is, but I'm saying it's most often perceived like that. There are situations where it's appropriate, but by and large a man is expected to keep those strong emotions in check.

Could it be that lists like that perpetuate that crying is a weakness? I see them posted all the time, so I posted a study in response. Seems like a lot of people were surpised at the study.

[shadowplay]

I wouldn't want to date a guy who was crying all the time (). I also wouldn't want to date a guy who never shed a tear in the course of a long term relationship (1 year +).

 

In my experience somebody who never cries usually has some sort of emotional block. This was true in the case of my ex.

 

Probably my ideal would be a guy who cries once a year.

 

When you see somebody at their most vulnerable, you know that they trust you entirely.

[shadowplay]

I can't say whether it's good or bad. Not everyone can handle tears.

 

I don't disagree with this.

 

I grew up in a family environment that was physically/verbally demonstrative with positive emotions, like love, like, etc and verbally demonstrative with negative emotions. So when someone is always in tears, it's impossible for me to handle this, since they're not expressing their emotions to me in a way that I can understand or relate to.

 

It's why I suck with sensitive individuals.

 

Was your family demonstrative in terms of physical affection? Usually the people I've known who are uncomfortable with crying come from families in which there's a undercurrent of emotional coldness.

[Trialbyfire]

I grew up in a family environment that was physically/verbally demonstrative with positive emotions, like love, like, etc and verbally demonstrative with negative emotions. So when someone is always in tears, it's impossible for me to handle this, since they're not expressing their emotions to me in a way that I can understand or relate to.

 

It's why I suck with sensitive individuals.

 

Was your family demonstrative in terms of physical affection? Usually the people I've known who are uncomfortable with crying come from families in which there's a undercurrent of emotional coldness.

Did you miss this? You've expressed this to me before.

[New Again]

I wouldn't want to date a guy who was crying all the time (). I also wouldn't want to date a guy who never shed a tear in the course of a long term relationship (1 year +).

 

In my experience somebody who never cries usually has some sort of emotional block. This was true in the case of my ex.

 

Probably my ideal would be a guy who cries once a year.

 

When you see somebody at their most vulnerable, you know that they trust you entirely.

 

So what kinds of things would he cry about once a year?

 

Was your family demonstrative in terms of physical affection? Usually the people I've known who are uncomfortable with crying come from families in which there's a undercurrent of emotional coldness.

 

I relate to what TBF said, and my family was demonstrative in terms of physical affection, and I am as well. But there was an emphasis on using words as a way of communicating and working out issues, rather than primarily expressing hurt feelings or whatever through tears.

[Trialbyfire]

I relate to what TBF said, and my family was demonstrative in terms of physical affection, and I am as well. But there was an emphasis on using words as a way of communicating and working out issues, rather than primarily expressing hurt feelings or whatever through tears.

I recall when we wanted to do or have something, my parents disagreed with. If we came at them in tears or having a temper tantrum, they would stand firm. If we brought new, logical arguments back to the table, they would reconsider, albeit it had to be a damn good argument, otherwise, forget it.

 

Does this sound similar to your family life?

[dk_in_mn]

I have to agree with Thad all the way on this one! He has some excellent points!

 

However, some guys are just more sensitive. Sure it comes across as strange and uncomfortable, maybe your b/f doesn't know how to control his emotions all that well and sees crying as some form of release.

 

For most of us guys, we feel very weak and vulnerable when we start crying and show our emotions that way. At least for me anyway. I was out in NYC on vacation last year and went to the memorial for 9/11 and was hit with a wave of emotions, that's the last time I have cried.

 

Each guy handles it very different than the next. Just like the guy who sat in front of us at the movie theater with his wife or g/f, he started crying on a few occasions. The movie was "The Time Travelers Wife". Of course it's a chick flick, he was just an example of being one of the more sensitive guys out there. I don't really see anything wrong with that just as long as it doesn't get carried away and goes overboard with it.

[shadowplay]

So what kinds of things would he cry about once a year?

 

 

 

I relate to what TBF said, and my family was demonstrative in terms of physical affection, and I am as well. But there was an emphasis on using words as a way of communicating and working out issues, rather than primarily expressing hurt feelings or whatever through tears.

 

If he had something painful from his past that he was reminded of. I'm not talking about daily stressors, but something that really touches a nerve in him at a deep level. This kind of emotional expression usually happens in the first year or so of a relationship, when both partners are first getting to know each other.

 

The one time my ex cried was when he told me his first childhood memory which was of his mentally disturbed mother leaving him home alone at the age of three when he was very sick. It was the first time he had told this memory to anyone. I thought it was touching to see an expression of strong emotion coming from him..

 

Personally I don't think that it's healthy for a family to discourage crying as it can lead to blocked up emotions. Crying is natural. All children cry, but then they learn to control it is they mature. Some control is good, but too much control can lead to an emotional block. Expressing emotions through words is often a good approach, but on occasion an emotional release that only tears can provide is healthy.

 

If somebody feels they don't have this option because they grew up in an environment in which it was discouraged, their emotions may start to block up.

 

Either extreme -- too much rigidity/control or too much mushiness in a family environment -- is detrimental to a young person's emotional development.

[New Again]

I recall when we wanted to do or have something, my parents disagreed with. If we came at them in tears or having a temper tantrum, they would stand firm. If we brought new, logical arguments back to the table, they would reconsider, albeit it had to be a damn good argument, otherwise, forget it.

 

Does this sound similar to your family life?

 

Absolutely.

 

And I understand that people have different ways of communicating and expressing themselves...but I still have a hard time with adults crying unless there's been a death, sickness, stress, etc.