fla Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Let me start by telling a bit of dirt on myself. Before my wife and I got married (12 years ago) we went through a bad patch and I started seeing someone else. I wasn't up front about meeting another, I just told my wife (then girlfriend) I wanted to break things off with her. When the relationship with the other woman ended she contacted me. We started talking again and got back together. We now have 2 daughters, house, dog, and the whole works. About five months ago I started to have a feeling that she was seeing someone. She got very distant, went to work early and came home later. Sometime I'd call her when she should be on her way home from work and she wouldn't answer. It would ring and then go to voicemail. When I asked she would say, "it was turned off" or "the ringer was off." The feeling grew, so I bought a device that reads deleted text messages off sims cards and used it on her phone. There were tons of text sent between her and her boss. Very sexual in nature. And long phone calls before and after work hours. I know the sims reader was an underhanded thing to do but I had to know. I waited to talk to her till I was more calm. The next day I called her on the way home. I asked her why the General Manager's cell phone number was stored on her phone. I wanted her to tell the truth without admitting what I had done. She got defensive saying he gave out cards to all the employees with his number on it. I countered with "I don't think they all stored the number in their phone books." So she said "what are you accussing me of?" At that point I had to tell her what I did. So I told her I saw the phone calls between you and your boss out of work. She was silent for a moment and then said "So we have to talk about work things sometimes." I felt myself getting too angry so I hung up. When she got home, I guess she felt she won the fight and opened with "I can't believe you'd accuse me of that." So then I told her about the texts I read. She started to cry and told me that nothing had really happened between them. It was just flirting and sexual talk. After fighting about this for a couple days, she asked for another chance. Like I said, we have 2 daughters and given my background who am I to deny mistakes can happen. I asked that she call him and let him know that I know what was going on. Second that she tranfer out of his department right now. Third, no more contact between her and him. She called him and promised to have no more contact. First, her boss said he couldn't find any place to move her. Then I told him if she wasn't moved then his wife and the company they work for would get coppies of the texts. So he moved her. Now it's been a month. Things have been going better but I still have this nawing feeling. I've never been the jealous type and hate that type of spouse. I trusted her so fully before and don't think I will be able to again. The problem now is she told me that because of the union, she can't stay in the job she's doing now passed January and if something doesn't open up she will have to go back to her old job working for him. This upset me. I said "No way". She got mad and said she didn't do anything wrong. That scares me more than anything else. The fact that she doesn't think she did anything wrong. I don't care if they actually did follow through on any of the sexual talk or not, she did do something wrong. I'm not sure I can handle her working for him again and don't know what to do about it.
Maladjusted Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I have experienced something very similar to what you are going through. Right now your wife is in an emotional fog and is conflicted. My bet is that she probably did cheat she just isn't ready to come forward with it. I think you are handling this perfectly so far. Couple of suggestions: Notify your wife's company's HR department about what has been going on, show them proof and see what they might have to say. Your wife quits her job. Sorry, but what is more important saving the marriage or her job. Tell her "managers" wife. Get into marriage counseling as soon as possible.
seibert253 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I have experienced something very similar to what you are going through. Right now your wife is in an emotional fog and is conflicted. My bet is that she probably did cheat she just isn't ready to come forward with it. I think you are handling this perfectly so far. Couple of suggestions: Notify your wife's company's HR department about what has been going on, show them proof and see what they might have to say. Your wife quits her job. Sorry, but what is more important saving the marriage or her job. Tell her "managers" wife. Get into marriage counseling as soon as possible. I agree with all of this. Most of all, you two need MC. Has she been transparent.? Do you have unfiltered acces to her phone and email? You do. I'm sorry, but she hasn't earned your trust yet. You need to buy the book "Not just friends", and require she read this. As a matter of fact, it would be better if the two of you sit down and read it together. If this book doesn't open her eyes, nothing will. This really lays it on the line showing her what she was involved in was wrong, and was an affair.
lkjh Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Notify the Hr department and his wife. She is lying to you so bad, they have just waited for everything to calm down.
Liquid9898 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I have a few points to make here: 1) I think she has cheated on you already with her boss. 2) I think they are still in contact 3) You NEED to expose to human resources and to his wife immediately without giving them any warning that you are going to expose. That's the best way to end their fantasy. 4) What you did (when you were dating and not married) is not the same as what she did as a married woman.
jnj express Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Ditto the other posters---notify her bosses wife which forces any secretive A. going on now into the open. Also tell the Major bosses at her company if this guy forces her back to work under him in Jan. you will file a sexual harrasment suit agst her boss, and the company, hopefully that will do the trick. Is your WW showing proper remorse, and trying to regain trust, and work on the mge. Is she coming straight home, and not leaving to early. Your problem is the 2 of them can still meet at the work place if they so desire, and you really won't know about it, they will just go deep underground. Again notify the other guy's wife, that way the 2 of you can work to prevent any more contact. Be strong and set tight boundaries for your WW.
Spark1111 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Look up LS member OWL, and start reading his past posts. He is my guru for how to handle a W(andering) W(ife's) EA (Emotional Affair).
Author fla Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 She has shown remorse for what she did. The place she works now is on the other side of town (a good 1 hr drive from her old place) and she calls me if she's running late. Since we need the insurance from her job (both our daughters need have special needs) I haven't contacted her hr dept. Chances are they would fire both her and her boss for breaking company policy. But I told her if he is going to move her back to the old position in Jan, then she has to quit. I can get other insurance before then. I don't think they are meeting now. She calls me on her lunch and as she is driving home everyday.
imagine Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I have experienced something very similar to what you are going through. Right now your wife is in an emotional fog and is conflicted. My bet is that she probably did cheat she just isn't ready to come forward with it. I think you are handling this perfectly so far. Couple of suggestions: Notify your wife's company's HR department about what has been going on, show them proof and see what they might have to say. Your wife quits her job. Sorry, but what is more important saving the marriage or her job. Tell her "managers" wife. Get into marriage counseling as soon as possible. I agree. Please look out for a marriage councilor that is marriage centered. Do not warn the anybody. Go directly to his wife and reveal the information at your disposal. She deserves to know too. This is serious. Fight for your marriage!
Author fla Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I haven't been checking her phone, do check email (ones I know about). I will get the book. Thanks for that. I think it's very important that she understand that what she did was wrong.
Author fla Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I have experienced something very similar to what you are going through. Right now your wife is in an emotional fog and is conflicted. My bet is that she probably did cheat she just isn't ready to come forward with it. I think you are handling this perfectly so far. Couple of suggestions: Notify your wife's company's HR department about what has been going on, show them proof and see what they might have to say. Your wife quits her job. Sorry, but what is more important saving the marriage or her job. Tell her "managers" wife. Get into marriage counseling as soon as possible. Thanks. I've been worried that I wasn't handling this right. Since she now works on the other side of town, I'm ok with her working there for now. Both our daughters need the insurance badly. But if she has to go back and work where he is, there is no way. We will have to make other arrangements before Jan. If she's going to do this again then she's going to do it with him or someone else. And if she does then I'll catch her and then no more chances. Marriage Counseling is a total must. I'm conflicted over telling his wife. He has two young children as well and though I feel he deserves what he gets and the wife should know, I also saw what this did to my kids.
jmargel Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Fla, The reason why you are feeling this way is because the only way you know what you do know is because you had to play detective. She DID cheat. She crossed the boundaries. You don't know for sure if she had sex with him because there is no proof that she hasn't. Are you suppose to take what she said as the truth, knowing she has been deceiving you all along? What you did IS right, best thing you could have done. She gave up that right to privacy when she crossed the boundaries. You have a RIGHT to know which trumps her lame excuses of invading her personal space. The question here is not how do you keep her away from him, but how do you get her to respect you and the marriage. Because if it's not him, it could be any guy out there. Do you really want to continue to play detective? What are you getting out of this marriage? What are the other issues in this marriage? It's more than just her disrespecting you in this situation. She has to earn your trust, the trust is the foundation of your marriage. Honestly since my wife crossed the boundaries 4 years ago, even though that situation is over I don't think I could ever trust her 100% percent. It's forgiven but not forgotten.
misternoname Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 My ex wife did something similar. I had enough evidence that she was having inappropriate conversations with another man. Like yours, she insisted that it was just "flirting" and she agreed to NC. After more detective work I discovered that both were lies. They had been sleeping together and there was PLENTY of continued contact. Cheaters will lie through their teeth...I'm afraid you already know the truth and it sucks. Good luck. I feel for you.
2sunny Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 the fact that she was unwilling to admit to this A even when you presented her some of the evidence is showing that she will cover up and still try to get away with it if she can. total bummer for the marriage - because if she isn't going to own the action of betrayal in your marriage - she will probably justify cheating again. i'm really not seeing the remorse. i would continue to monitor her at all times for now... even a voice activated recorder in her car to hear her conversations. i bet she started a new email account too. i would ask her to move out... she needs to be uncomfortable. get her to go to counseling so you can find out what caused her to justify the cheating in her mind... and why she feels it's still ok to disrespect you by saying she might go back to work for the guy again. even her suggesting this as an option would have been enough for me to immediately toss her out. it means she's still willing to risk your marriage for money. shows where her priorities are. doesn't seem she is actually looking at staying away from OM too long - just long enough for you to be quiet - then go along about what she really intends to do (see him). even if you separate - you can still stay on her ins. minor detail within the bigger picture - but worth mentioning considering your kids special needs.
michelangelo Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 And insist that she get one too. If she is lying and has exposed you to some nasty bugs while screwing her boss, you need to know. Having her go for STD testing (AIDS, etc.) will definitely be a sobering experience for her. Ignore her defensiveness about it too. Insist.
Liquid9898 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 And insist that she get one too. If she is lying and has exposed you to some nasty bugs while screwing her boss, you need to know. Having her go for STD testing (AIDS, etc.) will definitely be a sobering experience for her. Ignore her defensiveness about it too. Insist. I don't recall seeing you around, but you do have some good advice. I want to add to the fact that YOU NEED TO TELL HIS WIFE. Wouldn't you in her shoes want to know the truth about your life, health, and marriage?
z1850 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Have you considered using a semen detection kit? There's nothing like hard physical evidence to prove an affair...
michelangelo Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I don't recall seeing you around, but you do have some good advice. I want to add to the fact that YOU NEED TO TELL HIS WIFE. Wouldn't you in her shoes want to know the truth about your life, health, and marriage? been around, sometimes more than others. school of hard knocks trained me.
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