mimiminx Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Long story... need some outside perspectives. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. After being in a serious relationship for a year, last year, we moved to Hawaii together from San Diego because he sailed his boat there and we lived together in Hawaii. I missed San Diego and got a great job offer and came back this past January. He came to visit me after a few weeks and planned to come back home after he was finalizing the process of selling his and our beloved sailboat. He returned in 8 weeks. While we were apart, we talked constantly, for hours every day. We'd fall asleep on the phone with eachother. One day, he asked me to marry him. He said when he came home he would get me a ring and we would be getting married this year. He called my father and asked for his blessing too. We told all our friends and family and everyone was thrilled for us. We were so happy too. We have been so madly in love with eachother, everyone commented, everyone could see how much we loved each other. He came back from Hawaii after a tough 2 months separation and we moved into a new place here, he bought me a beautiful promise ring and he began to look for work. That was in April. He has had several interviews and many applications sent in, but things kept falling through. I tried my best to be understanding with the economy in the state its in and helped him find potential jobs to apply to. Meanwhile, I'm working 30 hours a week and looking for a second job. He got his hopes up big time for a great job but it ended up not working out. He was so sure that he would get it and he told me now I will take you out to dinner and take you to get pedicures every week, etc. When he didn't get the job that's when the problems started. He made a comment that for a man not having a job is demoralizing. Money has been super tight... we are in our late twenties ( I am 25, he will be 30 in a few months) and students, so the finances have been really tough lately. After a couple months went by, and his side jobs ended, I told him calmly that he needed to get something, anything.. I did feel some resentment building up inside of me and I'm sure he picked up on that even though I of course didn't say that. He was trying but I felt not aggressively enough. He seemed like he was too proud to take a low paying job and that attitude probably showed through in his efforts. Tough economy, that's for sure. So, he was relying on money from his mother at this point. That's when I noticed he started drinking more. This all happened in the last 3 months or so. I would go to work, barely living paycheck to paycheck. Struggling just to get by. We would stick together and he was always the one saying "We'll get through this.." I got bummed frequently but picked myself up and did what I could to bring in more money; taking double shifts, etc. During this time, our relationship stayed strong but was beginning to suffer from the financial hardships. I could tell it was taking a toll on his ego, not being able to provide himself. He always gave me his half of everything and we were great about sharing money and helping each other out when the other was short. It seemed to be working out for the time being.. we were both just hoping for something to come up as far as a job for him. So, about a month ago I noticed he was becoming depressed, often withdrawn, moody. He never treated ME any differently and still our love was strong and he treated me like he always had, very well. But I could tell something was wrong. We have/had a very trusting relationship, full of love, honesty, respect. I feel that he is the love of my life.. we have overcome some very difficult obstacles like separation, moving to Hawaii, and even unplanned pregnancy together. OUR LOVE ALWAYS HAS GROWN DEEPER AND STRONGER OVER TIME. But in the last month, beginning in July, he became more irritable. I attributed that mood to when he had a couple beers, as he had too much time on his hands and felt ****ty about himself on top of it. One night, we got in an argument over nothing really important. He was in a pissy mood and I took it personally which is a fault of mine I admit. He demanded I leave him alone and I just didn't do it. I took it as an insult because he was so irritable with me. I wouldn't let up and he actually packed an overnight bag or two and I was trying to plead with him not to go, where are you going? Getting angry and he just left! I followed him out to his car and tried to stop him but he drove away! First of all, he has NEVER done any kind of thing like this before. He has ALWAYS been a man I can totally trust and feel safe with. This behavior was scary. He had a few drinks that night btw. So he left, I called and no answer. I couldn't sleep so I drove around our neighborhood looking for his car, not to bother him but just to know where he was! Gave up. Went home and tried to sleep. Woke up the next morning and noticed he had been in the house but wasn't there. Called him and he wouldn't pick up but he sent me a text eventually saying he drove up to our good friend's house about an hour away. "Let's call it a separation. Will talk in a few days" So confused, I texted back, called, didn't give him his space. After a day went by, I heard from him. He asked if I was alright in a text. I said No I'm not alright.What's going on? He didn't reply. I called the girlfriend of the friend that he was staying with( who lives there too and is a good friend of mine) to find out what was going on. She said that he needed to get away, he said that I wouldn't leave him alone and I wouldn't respect his space. He told them that we were incompatible in that way. He said that he felt like I backed him into a corner sometimes. The only way I feel I have ever backed him into a corner is by asking him to communicate and he doesn't feel like it so I push to no avail, then eventually give up and accept that he "just doesn't want to talk about it right now". She said maybe it's a good idea that he stay up here for the week,etc. She said that he said he missed me and loved me even though he was unhappy with some things between us lately. He finally called me after 4 days up there and I was begging him to come back, or meet him for coffee at least to talk. He said we would talk the next day, when he came back. He said over the phone that he thought it would be a good idea if he moved out next month. I was shocked but I didn't get into it with him.. thought that when he came home we could talk more. The next evening, he came back home with an iced coffee in his hand for me and he was quiet and kinda sad and I waited very patiently for him to open up to me. He said he wasn't happy with the way things were going, with us. He felt it would be a good idea for him to move out but we could still be together.. start over in a way. I was understanding and didn't disagree.. I told him that if that's what he wanted to do, I would do my best to accept it. But the truth was, that it was NOT ok with me. We've beeen together over 2 years, planning on getting married. Why take a step back? So I let him talk he seemed sad, and he eventually came up to me and pulled me into his arms and kissed me and it led to sex. Afterwards, he was very loving with me and we talked as we normally would. He took me out to dinner and we had a very romantic evening together, talking, dancing, having some margaritas, walking on the beach. He was all over me and talking about all the plans he wanted to make with me like months from now, even next year. I was confused but he was adamant. He said "I'm not ready to lose you.. I love you so much and I want us to get through this" I said me too! I convinced him not to be so hasty about moving out, let's give it till the end of the month before making any hasty decisions about giving notice. He totally agreed. Over the next couple days, things between us were hearts and flowers, full of love and happiness. Very affectionate, loving, like always. No mention of him moving out. I asked him what happened to that idea, and he said that things are working out well between us, that we should just go with that and let things happen. That weekend we happened to talk with another couple, our friends who were in a similar financial bind and were interested in getting a house to share with us. We talked about it afterwards and both agreed that it would be a good idea for the time being to alleviate the money stress. He mulled it over, talked with me about it and we both agreed that we would start looking for a place with them. The four of us talked and got together, reponded to ads, looked at places, and one day, about 2 weeks ago now, my boyfriend and I drove around for 2 hours (his idea) looking at houses to rent. Picked up applications, talked to landlords, and finally found the place we wanted. We made an appointment to view it the next day. We told the other couple and were all so excited about it. That evening, he went to go swimming at the beach like he usually does every day with his buddy. He came back and his mood switched. He had a couple drinks at home. He snapped at me for leaving the food unwrapped on the counter. Out of the blue. In fact, he had been snapping at me occasionally over the past few days, but always short-lived and he still would treat me like a princess, telling me he loves me, touching me, wanting to be next to me, be together,etc. Just moody! So after he had snapped at me, I got offended and asked him what was bothering him. He said, "just leave me alone!" So I took a drive and watched the sunset, called a friend and came back in an hour hoping he would have cooled off. He didn't even turn when I came back and I saw him looking on the computer at roommate ads!!! I confronted him and asked what he was doing?! I said I'm so confused... I thought we were moving in with our friends.. we have an appointment tomorrow! I said I can't live like this.. you're so back and forth lately I need a commitment from you.. at least for this move we're planning on making! He got angry and said "I can't make a commitment right now!" If you have a problem with that, then you should leave me!" Whoa... Even though I tried to conceal my anger and confusion, I got so frustrated that I started packing an overnight bag, thought I would drive to my parent's. I told him I'm leaving now.. he says I don't care what you do which made me even more upset. It just escalated and HE eventually said "I'm outta here" and started packing his bags AGAIN! I was frantic and said.. you can't keep leaving! You can't just run away.. He said some things in anger and was so mad I was a little scared of him. I tried to calm him down, said let's not fight, I'm on your side and put my arms around him but he yelled "leave me alone, don't you touch me!" It was scary to see him that angry and packing his bags again. I was desperate. I tried blocking the door and I said if you leave again, that's it! He left. He said don't follow me out, don't make a scene. I didn't. I stayed at home. I couldn't sleep again now so I drove around our neighborhood, hoping to see his car. I found it parked near his buddy's house a few blocks up. I called a few times but no answer, left a message. Went home. The next morning I woke up to him packing his stuff. I was spitting mad... I yelled, I'm so confused... what do you want?! What are you doing? If you leave now, don't come back.. you can't keep leaving like this! I said in anger, "So am I single now, are you breaking up with me?" And he was calm and said it's not even about the status. (?) I said what about all the plans we were making, how could he the day before make love to me and treat me the way he did ? He said "that was in the past" He apologized for saying the things he did in anger the night before. He said he's just not happy and THE reason he was leaving was because I just would not respect his space when he asked for it and wouldn't leave him alone. He said some other silly comment about how something I did really bothered him, like the way I handled my money. he said he was packing up the car with ALL of his belongings and would come back in to talk to me after. I watched silently, seething, hurt while he packed up the car. He came back in and said he was hot, he needed to jump in the water. He left. I went down to the beach to try to talk to him and we actually walked on the beach together. I was pleading with him, "there has to be another solution besides what you're doing!" He really didn't say much. We wandered around on the beach for a bit and I did most of the talking. He sat down on a park bench and looked really downtrodden and sad. I tried to reason with him.. let's go take a walk and get a coffee. But he said no, he had to go. He got in his car and I put my hand on his shoulder and again repeated there has to be another solution.. he said "I don't know what else to do" I said I love you and he said I love you too. Then he drove away. I was psycho for 5 minutes and tried to follow him but I gave up and went home. Later that afternoon, distraught, I went to the beach again with some friends of ours (the ones he stayed with a few weeks prior). I saw him down the beach and I wanted to go talk to him but my girlfriend urged me to leave him alone. I did. I walked by him but didn't make eye contact. Little did I know that would be/may be the last time I saw him. He did not call or come back that day. His friend that I was with talked to him briefly but they spend the day and evening with me. They were just as shocked as I was. He spent the night at his buddy's house again. The next day, which was last Wednesday, he came back into the house while our friends and I had been at the beach. He took a few things he left behind like his bike and hairbrush, and left me the housekey on the porch table. I was devastated. I had to go to work that afternoon, and as I was leaving work I saw i had missed a call from him literally by 10 minutes. I listened to the message and he was calm, sounded like himself. He sounded surprised that I wasn't at home and that he couldn't get a hold of me. He said he took the bike to get fixed and he would like me to sell it. He said he left me something in my nightstand and that it basically says he is going up to Portland (where his family is) "for a little bit, but I'll be back... I need to get away, need some time to reevaluate things, I miss my family. I'm leaving in about 10 minutes, I'll talk to you soon. I love you." I called him but he didn;t answer. He sent me a text that he was on the highway. I begged him to stop so I could see him as I was on the highway too leaving work. He replied in a text "wouldn't do any good.. I'm not going to turn around anyway" I begged more and he said no. All in texts! I rushed home and looked in my nightstand. I opened the letter. He left me a couple hundred to pay the bills, told me I could keep his half of the security deposit. Let him know if I get in a jam with moving and he will do what he can. He said he was going to Portland until mid-December, that's his plan right now. He said a couple times that he wasn't happy with us but also several times how much he does love me. He said if I move on he'll understand. He says we'll talk soon and stay in touch and see me when he gets back if that's alright with me. He said "I need my space and I tried to have that with you but that didn't work out." "I know this is all very vague but that's all I know... I can't answer the rest of the questions. "Be the strong woman I know you are. Respect me and my decision". WOW. Is this really a Dear John letter? Driving to Portland from San Diego is a serious commitment. That seemed to be the only commitment he knew how to make.. was to run away. So, devastated, I called some friends and family, later that evening I was angry so I called and left him a message telling him how much of a coward he was. The next morning before work I sent him a text asking if he was breaking up with me, yes no or i dont know. Immediate response from him was "Don't know". Made me feel a little relieved. I called him later that morning not expecting him to pick up but I put my foot down with him and said I understand if you need to get away and have a little time, but this isn't fair to me. I expect nothing less than all or nothing with you. I can't wait around for you forever.. the longer you're gone, the less chance you'll have with me, etc." Much later that evening before i went to bed, after crying my eyes out, I checked my email. I saw he had sent me one about 5 pm, just a few hours after I had left him that voicemail. His email was short and stiff, harsh. it was all one word sentences, only about 5 of them. He said "Just got to Portland. Very tired. I need a change. Not your fault. Mine. I'm so sorry. Move on. Goodbye. Love always, ... I was so paralyzed. I saw that immediately after he sent that email he had changed his Facebook profile to just a picture of him where it had always been a picture of us. He changed his relationship status to SINGLE. Fortunately my mom was there. I was paralyzed. I couldn't believe it. The next day I re-read the letter, replayed the voicemail, reread the email. The email struck me as 'off' and same with the Facebook, like it was a slap in the face to me or something. Really, the first thing he does after he drives 18 hours is to do that?! It just didn't seem real or right or even something he would do or say. BUT.. that is the last I have heard from him. Absolutely no contact on either one of our parts for 10 days now! All our friends and family are completely shocked by his behavior and how he could just leave things the way he did. I noticed he did not change his Myspace page, even though he looks on there once or twice a week too.. there is still the picture of us and still says he's in a relationship. He left some of his favorite possessions here too. He left his spare car keys in plain sight, his bike, his favorite little plant, a pair of shoes, toiletries. I talked to friends of mine and ours and they all agreed to leave him alone.. maybe do take this as a breakup but there's been so many mixed signals and everything is so confusing, just give it a little time with no contact and see what happens. So I did my best to get through those days until I heard anything. It just so happened that his best friend, and a good friend of mine too was going to Portland for work this past week and he would be spending time with my boyfriend. His girlfriend and i are friends so we were all anxiously awaiting what he had to report. A couple days went by and the friend came back and told me that my boyfriend told him that we were broken up, he felt bad and wanted to make sure I was ok. he didn;t say why. He said he went to Portland because it would be too hard for both of us if he stayed here in San Diego.? (why is that?) His friend said he tried to convince him to stay in San Diego too. He reported that my bf was staying with his family and was probably looking for work up there. He is taking online classes at the college in San Diego but has to be back here to take the finals in December. (that's where the timeline of mid-December came from in the letter)His friend told me kindly that he wants to move on and that he told him he wasn't having second thoughts about his decision. I cried and cried. So hurt and confused. His friend said that something must've just switched in him that night before he decided to move out or drive up there. I asked what about all the plans we were making, he was being so loving with me, so many mixed messages. His friend said that what matters now are his actions, not his words or actions before now. I've talked to many friends and family members since then (3 days ago now) and some people take it as face value and some others including ME believe in my heart that it isn't really over. His actions are so irrational and confusing! I haven't heard anything from him since that email and I have been dying to call him but I haven't. If it's space he's after to get his act together (which I think was his original plan) I can give him that. It's been 10 days now.. is it too soon to give up completely? I read the importance of the 30 day NC rule and I am determined to stick by that. There are just SO MANY unanswered questions! I am devastated and mostly confused. This behavior is so completely off the wall and out of character for him it's really hard to know what to believe. I am hanging on to any signs of hope here. Obviously what pushed him to this point is not the lack of love we've had for each other. This is not about me everyone agrees. It's his own feelings of inadequacy, failure, low self esteem. How can he be in a relationship if he's not ok with himself? Makes sense to me actually. But he won't admit that to anyone. It's easy to be the macho guy and just say "we're broken up". I have decided to look for another place now with a roommate and just move forward regardless. I am pining over him. I can't ignore what my gut is telling me... that this is not it. It's not really over. We love each other soooo much... but maybe he just stopped loving me? No... we didn't leave on bad terms, we didn't leave on ANY TERMS! He loved me that morning, in a matter of hours could that change?? I'm looking at ALL the signs, all he left behind and unresolved.. and in my heart and intuition, i feel that this is not really true. I can't ignore the nagging voice that tells me to be patient. I can prepare myself for the worst case scenario. To find he doesn't love me or IS willing to give up the relationship for good. I keep imagining him coming back and I won't let him in the house.. he'll have to grovel at my feet to win me back! I still have that hope. Am I crazy?? I HONESTLY feel that these outside circumstances.. money problems, unemployment, too much time on his hands, etc. are the cause of all this!! Not anything to do with us as a couple. I guess we both are having a hard time getting through it, well especially him. It doesn't seem right at all. We have no animosity between us, no lies or betrayals, no abuse, nothing that would totally shatter our relationship. I hope he sees it the way I do.. what should I do now? Is there hope?
boogieboy Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Theres no chance at hope here. He got tired of you. He wanted to be as far away from you as possible. You have to move on, theres nothing to hold onto, he told you so.
Author mimiminx Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Hmmm.. he told me that, huh? Left some doors open here.
boogieboy Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Hmmm.. he told me that, huh? Left some doors open here. he was just letting you down easy. He learned to do that from women. People do that to keep you hanging on a string, but he made it pretty clear (hinting anyway) that he will not have anything to do with you again.
Author mimiminx Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 why would he want to keep me hanging on a string? The last thing he told me in person was "I love you". I don't see anything he's done or doing as letting me down easy. It's actually close to impossible that he will never contact me again. After 2 years and still some shared things left like phone lines (shared contract), I still am getting his mail, have some of his important belongings here. Things like that... how is it possible that he'll never have anything to do with me again? We didn't leave on bad terms?!
boogieboy Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 why would he want to keep me hanging on a string? The last thing he told me in person was "I love you". I don't see anything he's done or doing as letting me down easy. It's actually close to impossible that he will never contact me again. After 2 years and still some shared things left like phone lines (shared contract), I still am getting his mail, have some of his important belongings here. Things like that... how is it possible that he'll never have anything to do with me again? We didn't leave on bad terms?! Thats just what people do. They change when they break up with you. They tell you all the things you want to hear to keep you hanging on just in case they change their minds. Its all over the board..take a look.
Goatsbreath Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 You will here from him again most likely. I would just not be the one to initiate it and right now you have to treat it like its over regardless. You really have to treat it like he will not contact you or if he does it will be of no significance. I mean, he was sure enough about the break to create a distance between the 2 of you and make plans to stay away for atleast almost 5 months. Was he signing up for classes the whole time hes driving around looking at houses? Very odd behavior. Sounds like he rather run away then face anything. The way he could never commit to telling you he was breaking up and just running off was very cowardly. Do yourself a favor and do the same, run the other way. You think a coward like this will tell you that he just is not in love with you anymore, that hes bored, that he wants to see what else is out there. No, look at his actions, hes to much of a coward to tell you so instead he throws it all on you............"you don't respect my space when I decide to act like a little pouting cry baby" Its all your fault. Whatever Don't wait for this idiot, throw his crap in a box and send it off to him with a little note saying just thought you might want this stuff back and I needed the SPACE!!!
Author mimiminx Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 I just received an email from him that he sent last night (12:30 a.m.) After almost 2 weeks of no contact. He said, "just want you to know that I think about you. I don't want you to hurt. This is one of my favorite pictures of you. Love always," And it was a picture of us. HUH?? Nothing else was said, no mention of what he's doing, no mention of his stuff, the phone. That was it. Obviously he's thinking of me, pining over me looking at our pictures. Should I read into this? I have not contacted him or responded, and I won't! I was giving this one month. I feel that something more is coming now, especially since I received that.
Goatsbreath Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 You can read all you want into all the stupid crap he does after but there is only one thing you should realize.....he left you. I know its cold but everyone goes through all this every time and we all read into such little stupid things. Oh, he texted me, big deal. So what, it amounts to nothing and sorry hon, this isn't going to work out for you. Its done. It never works out....dah, he said you were not what he was looking for and took off weather you are willing to except it or not. There is no second chance. Maybe you will have sex again or put yourself through some complicated scenario with him that don't make sense but in the end its over. The best thing you can do is except that and look to start something new, something fresh. New and fresh = fun and exciting Old and the same mess = confusion and hurt You pick
HBJen Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 wow - good advice Goatsbreath - I am going through pretty much the same thing - all the feelings of everything, its pretty much exactly what happened with my ex and I. Thanks for what you said - gave me a bit of a reality check also.
Author mimiminx Posted August 21, 2009 Author Posted August 21, 2009 Goatsbreath... maybe you're right, but I'd like to think you're wrong. Without knowing my situation personally I see how you could say "he just got bored, i wasn't what he was looking for..." We shall see, right? Don't people make mistakes? He was head over heels in love with me. BTW.... just as a note, the entire time (even up to the DAY he left) he was affectionate, loving, touching me, kissing me, calling me baby and sweetie like always. He was WANTING to spend as much time with me as possible. When you know you want to break up with someone or you're tired of them, don't love them anymore... I recall from my past experiences and others' that the person backs off and shows those signs of distance. For example, they start sleeping on the couch, they spend more time away from you, they don't want to sit next to you or touch you. Know what I mean? This never happened here. My guy is also NOT a manipulator and a fake. He would never be so slimy that he would fake those feelings for me. He was telling his friends how much he loved me. WHO does that when they don't love someone anymore and want to leave them? That's the part that I find contrary to your statements. Those are actions.
HBJen Posted August 21, 2009 Posted August 21, 2009 Goatsbreath... maybe you're right, but I'd like to think you're wrong. Without knowing my situation personally I see how you could say "he just got bored, i wasn't what he was looking for..." We shall see, right? Don't people make mistakes? He was head over heels in love with me. BTW.... just as a note, the entire time (even up to the DAY he left) he was affectionate, loving, touching me, kissing me, calling me baby and sweetie like always. He was WANTING to spend as much time with me as possible. When you know you want to break up with someone or you're tired of them, don't love them anymore... I recall from my past experiences and others' that the person backs off and shows those signs of distance. For example, they start sleeping on the couch, they spend more time away from you, they don't want to sit next to you or touch you. Know what I mean? This never happened here. My guy is also NOT a manipulator and a fake. He would never be so slimy that he would fake those feelings for me. He was telling his friends how much he loved me. WHO does that when they don't love someone anymore and want to leave them? That's the part that I find contrary to your statements. Those are actions. I see what you are saying forsure. He was loving right up until 10 minutes before it all came down. Nothing changed sexually - he was the most affectionate person in the world. Even when it happened, and I was saying good bye to his family, his mom (who is his closest confidant) said "I dont get this, he said yesterday that you are the love of his life, and that he is glad you 2 are here together". I dont know who does that - but at the same time, who says all those things and loves you like that, and then walks out of it all - shuts down - changes their mind. I mean, it couldnt be something thats decided in 10 minutes. I think confusion can be displayed in ways that we have no idea. He is one of the nicest people I know - but couldnt handle pressure. Even nice guys screw up.
Goatsbreath Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 everyone always thinks that their situation is always so different. That for some reason, the love you guys share don't follow the same rules as everyone else. Its different right. Its the two of you, nobody can know what we shared or how great it was. The thing is, if it was so great how did you end up here and he ended up hours away sending you this note "Just got to Portland. Very tired. I need a change. Not your fault. Mine. I'm so sorry. Move on. Goodbye. Love always, ..." and then taking the time if it wasn't enough to delete you in real life, deleting you from his virtual facebook life. 90% of the people here probably feel the same way, that the relationship they were in was so unique and there was a special bond that nobody can touch. There's probably some reason for this, like suddenly he will wake up tomorrow and realize what a mistake he made. The truth is that all this time, probably for months, sometime way back when he made a choice and has slowly been absolving himself of you. You had no clue but the whole time when he was wrestling with mood swings he was really wrestling with the relationship. He disconnected a long time ago. Regardless of his actions, he didn't just wake up one morning, decide he was packing up, moving hours away and starting some classes. He probably does still love you in the sense that he thinks about you and cares for you and wishes you the best. Sometimes he will even miss you and Its probably difficult but if you want to read into something, read into what he his letter said "I need a change"
Author mimiminx Posted August 22, 2009 Author Posted August 22, 2009 I hear ya.. BUT just to make some clarifications and updates since my last post. He did not delete me from his virtual Facebook life. He did not delete me as a friend, nor did he delete our mutual friends and family after over 2 weeks have gone by. After the email he sent me the other night which was him pining over me looking at our pictures and says that he thinks about me. "Renting a space in my head" clearly. He's not letting go. I am still receiving all his mail every single day. I'm sorry but when you're DONE you friggin change your address, phone number, delete someone on Facebook, cut the ties. He's NOT. You don't pull a drastic measure like driving from San Diego to Portland on a whim without telling anyone your plans in advance. This all is such irrational and lame behavior I can't help he just freaked out. Goatsbreath, the "I need a change" the way i see and AND our mutual friends see it is as that he needed to remove himself from the SITUATION and San Diego because his life was not working out very well for him here, not specifically the relationship but work, money, etc. Seriously! That's the "change" we all believe he's referring to, not me. Yesterday evening I was on Facebook for awhile talking to friends and I saw that he was online! After 2 weeks of not ever seeing him on there, I see him. I have been with the guy for over 2 years and he rarely goes on there, if he does it's for maybe a couple minutes. He stayed on there for a long time, then went off, logged on again for awhile, logged off, repeat. I had to go to bed and when I shut the computer down he was still on there. Strange behavior.. I didn't contact him or try to talk at all. I completely ignored him. He kept going on like he was waiting for a response from me. And today, a mutual friend of ours, (his best friend) told me that he talked to him yesterday and he asked how I was doing. Interesting. He's afraid of losing me. He's not letting go. He's thinking about me, he cares, I believe he loves me and so does everyone involved. Yes, every situation is different. I know you have the best intentions at heart Goatsbreath, and maybe you are right but I have faith in this one. It's become a stupid game at this point with the Facebook hide and seek but I'm a believer in love. Maybe this will bite me in the ass but I'm not willing to give up hope yet. Besides if there is a chance for us, I would not take him back right away. It would take SOOOO much on his part and TIME for me to let him back in. I'm not an idiot. I have been in relationships before and am not a fool. You say he checked out a couple months ago. I have to argue that money problems and drinking too much sometimes will also affect your moods and mental clarity. That's my two cents.
Goatsbreath Posted August 22, 2009 Posted August 22, 2009 I applaud you for not giving into saying hi on facebook, that had to be tuff. I know what you mean by it all seeming like games. Even when you see him there on facebook you feel like you are in a game because if you don't say something, you feel like its a game. If you do you feel weak. I deleted my ex and just don't want that pressure right now.
Author mimiminx Posted August 23, 2009 Author Posted August 23, 2009 He called me yesterday.. after over 2 weeks of no contact. I'm still trying to wrap my head around our conversation. It was kind of a blur. The phone rang and I hesitated to answer but was so curious to hear what he had to say that I picked up. We talked for about half an hour. I was on my way somewhere and I had to cut off the conversation. It made me feel better but still confused. He answered a lot of the questions I've been agonizing over. He told me how he felt about me. We talked about the problems we were having and what was making us both unhappy. He explained why he left, and it was such a huge admission for him. He said that he was unhappy with himself, and he could see that I was unhappy (due to his drinking and unemployment), we started to fight alot. He said that he couldn't fix that problem until he fixed himself. He said he's unhappy with his life and wasn't able to give me what I needed right now. He wants to get his life together ("I need a change"). No good reason to just bail without confronting me, but he said that he realized that moving in with the other people we were getting the house with wouldn't have fixed the underlying problem. He's right. It would've been like putting a band-aid on the cut. He wants to reflect and get his life together again. Find a good job, focus on school (btw, his classes are in San Diego where I am). I asked him if his feelings for me had changed and that was why he left, was he stringing me along, did he know for awhile, did he get tired of me, etc. He said no. He said I love you, i will always love you, I think about you all the time, I haven't been up here a happy camper, the very last thing I want to do is hurt you. None of this was about me or his feelings for me.He said it wouldn't be fair for him to ask me to wait for him, but it would absolutely kill him if I was with someone else. He just knew that he couldn't be with me if he wasn't happy himself. I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said "I want you to be happy". And I said the same to him. He said people were telling him not to contact me but he didn't agree with that, he wanted us to talk. I asked him why? I don't want to be just your friend, why put me through that? He just said that he just wants to keep in touch. ?? I told him just how much I've been hurting and going out of my mind over this. I called him on the things he did wrong and he knows it and admitted them. He said that we will talk tomorrow (which is today). I am not going to call him, that's his job I think. I still have a lot of unanswered questions that now I know he will be able to answer for me. He opened the door of communication. Honestly I believe this relationship is salvageable. It means a lot that he wants to step up and become a better man for himself and I'm assuming from what he said, for me too. That means alot, he had to swallow a lot of pride to tell me that and admit his mistakes. The last thing he said to me was "I'll talk to you tomorrow, I love you." Let's see where this goes now. It's also a good time for me to figure out what I want. I have some strength now. I was the victim, but I choose not to act like the victim anymore.
Author mimiminx Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 LONG POST: After over 2 weeks of No contact and the email and the facebook popping in, he called me. I was on the road stuck in traffic, late for something very important. I answered. we talked for about half an hour. He was cautious with me and asked "how are you doing?'' I told him how I was doing. I was angry. Then I was sad. I cried pretty much the whole time. It was a very honest and sincere conversation. I asked him WHY? did you stop loving me? He told me why he left, that he was unhappy with himself and he could see that i was unhappy (which i was about 2 particular things and only those things: the not working and the drinking) which was making him even more unhappy to see me unhappy. He said he was unhappy with his life and we were fighting a lot, he wasn't able to give me what he wanted to, etc. He said he got up there to reflect and get his life back on track,, it didn't seem to be working here. He was excited about moving into the house with the other couple, but he knew that it wouldn't fix the underlying problem. He was very clear how he feels about me.. that he loves me, that he will always love me, he thinks about me constantly, he's not up there a happy camper, the very last thing he wants to do is hurt me. He told me that he was sorry for what he did and admitted a lot of things that had been bothering me.That was a huge breakthrough for him, he finally swallowed his pride. I asked him what he wanted from me, and he said that he wants to stay in touch, he wants us to talk. I told him I can't just be his friend, and he knows that. I told him how I felt about him and how incredibly hurt and confused I've been. He said that people were telling him that he shouldn't call me (?) but he doesn't agree with that.. that he wants to talk to me. I had to go so the conversation got cut short. He told me his plans for the day and said we'll talk the next day. The last thing he told me was "I love you". I was crying my eyes out and had to go into my uncle's funeral, so I was just falling apart. I was able to talk to my brother and he commented that this all sounds really promising, just give him his space and he wants to be a better man for himself and you.. give it time. I felt better that the lines of communication were now open. I didn't initiate it, he did. The next day, after not hearing from him all day, I called and left a message, to call me when he was free. I visited with a girlfriend who is a mutual friend of ours and when she left i checked my email. He had emailed me that he got my message and that he didn't have a lot of privacy to call me since he was at his buddy's house, but he would call me before he went to bed. He did. We talked again for almost an hour this time, the only reason it got cut short was because his battery died. Again, I had so many questions for him that he did answer as honestly as he could. I asked him about the email he sent me after he first got up there and what he told his friend about us being broken up. I asked him if that was the way he really felt. He didn't answer, I said yes or no? He still couldn't answer directly, but he did say that is my decision. He had to remove himself completely from the situation because he knew and knows that if he were to see me, he would want to hold me and lay down in bed with me. Ok, he does have those romantic feelings for me, it's not like "oh, i still care about you", it's I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, AND I HAVE ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR YOU. I asked him if he felt that way about me, then why break up? It doesn't make sense to me. He said "It doesn't make sense to YOU." (meaning it makes sense to him) then he got into how I didn't respect his space and kept pushing at him when he wanted to be left alone. He feels that I was disrespectful to his feelings and was selfish in that way. I admitted that, that is my greatest weakness is my selfishness. I was telling him that since we feel so strongly about eachother and we've already made it through so many tough obstacles why was this time any different? I don;t think he answered that, because he couldn't. These things seem like all outside circumstances, not a crack in the foundation of what we have. He said he's been unhappy for some time now, and he asked me to marry him and was planning all these things for our future because he was hopeful and he does love me. But it was like we both (him particularly) were trying to ignore the underlying issues. (which are...?) He said why would you want to be with me if I was unhappy? (implying that i was being selfish and not caring about his feelings) "What i did to you was unacceptable, why would you put up with that?" (this was after I was pleading with him to give it another try,.. him saying that implied that i was being needy and desperate, which I was). I asked him directly "Can we give it another try?" And he said "I can't do that right now". He said also that it wouldn't be fair to ask me to wait for him, but it would KILL him and make him so sad if I was with someone else. He said that he wasn't up there trying to get laid or hook up with someone, he's been thinking about me. However, he said he's not sure when he'll be coming back here, it may not be anytime soon, he doesn't know. He never said "it's too late" "it's over" "move on", "let me go", etc. he said he's been so torn up that he's become impotent and that he thinks about me all the time. He said how he loves the hell out of me, that I'm so beautiful, smart, and loving. I guess things weren't working lately. If it's only lately and things can be changed and improved, like money issues and growing pains, and personality defects, I don't understand what the problem is. We really love each other, but he's not committing or saying that he wants to work this out right now. However, he said that he wants to continue talking, that he loves me. The fact that the communication has increased is a good sign. Most people I've talked to about this agree that this seems more like a separation than a permanent breakup. It really is up to me if I want to continue or be patient for this. I was beginning to think that he was having second thoughts... so our conversation ended because his battery died and it was after 1 a.m. anyway. He told me that he had broken a rib and he had to go to the doctor in the morning. He told me he loved me. I called this morning and he was in bed dosed up on Vicodin, resting. he answered the phone. He had told me that he had all his stuff still packed in his car, he was staying with different family members and sleeping on friend's couches. What the hell is he doing up there? Now he's laid up with a broken rib, not able to work. I told him in desperation how much I missed him and wanted to see him (especially since he's sick I guess it tugged at my heart even more). I asked if we could meet halfway, and he said he couldn't afford to do that, he can't even drive right now. I said that I could come up there, and he said that wouldn't be practical, how could I afford it? It's possible. He didn't disagree.I was thinking about it all day, looking at flights. I guess I was thinking that if we saw eachother in person, I would know his true feelings and not the ones that his ego is getting in the way of. A part of me feels that i need that face to face closure if this is really it. People have convinced me to wait on that idea, to back off and if the communication increases it's a good sign. If it decreases or ends, that's the answer. My mom has been through all of this with me, she knows every detail and she and others seem to think that this seems more like a temporary separation than a breakup, just because of everything he's doing. I agree that the increase in communication is hopeful, that's a good thing. He has been putting forth the extra effort for communication. He's opening up big time! he doesn't want to let me go. He's not. he never once mentioned the cell phone plan, or anything like that to "cut the ties". he asked me what my plans were today, and he said he would talk to me later. Someone told me to back off, don't be so needy and desperate, keep it light with the conversation. I feel that this isn't a closed door and I have the power to keep it open or close it. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Author mimiminx Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I've gotten to the point where I'm so tired of obsessing over this. It's been 3 weeks to the day now since he left. With some contact, having hopes, reading into all these subliminal messages that leave me feeling like I am crazy, I realize I can't do this to myself anymore. I am that girl that chain-smokes, can't sleep, wakes up every morning feeling sick, walks down the street aimlessly on the phone, beating this to death. Reading into him being on Facebook "popping in" as he wants to talk to me. Well, he did do that last time right before he called me. I am shutting it down. I am not going to be hanging around, jumping every time the phone rings, looking for clues anymore. I have made myself sick over this and I can't do this to myself anymore. As crazy as this sounds, I wish there was something that could switch on in my head to let it go. That's what happened with my last relationship. I wish I could find out that there's someone else as I did in my previous, ( I really honestly don't think that is the case.. he's been living in San Diego and went up to Portland, absolutely no evidence of cheating), he told me he wasn't up there trying to get laid or hook up with anyone.. he's been thinking about me. he didn;t have to offer that information but he did. Anyway, i am not going to have any contact anymore. I will not be the one to initiate it. He did, a few days ago, for 3 days we had open communication but after I made the mistake of pleading and acting desperate and needy, haven't heard from him. It's been one day and I'm going crazy. People are telling me back off and be patient. Don't push, because that's what pushed him away in the first place. As soon as I backed off, he came around. Many many people who know us and the entire situation are saying that the fact that he's still keeping the doors open and pouring out his feelings for me is a good sign that it's not really over. I guess for me I would rather things just be over if that's what he wants. Cut all ties. He hasn't. Maybe that's ultimately my decision, but I am not ready to let go. I still love him very much, despite him breaking my heart. I'm ready to let go of this insanity I'm putting myself through. I know that time will tell in this situation, but it really is out of my hands.
Author mimiminx Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 I am still obsessing, was telling myself not to. Tonight, I looked on my Facebook, which I hadn't looked at all day to see a reply from him to one of my posts. He's never done that before! I mentioned something about my class the night before on my wall and he commented on it. Seriously, if it's over, why doesn't he leave me alone? Because it's not over? Again, that's my decision, right? Who would do that? after you break up with someone, try and be nice?! WTF? I don't understand this guy. He needs to read the post HOW TO MAKE IT FINAL. He's certainly not finalizing it with me. It's friggin' over or its not!! Jeez... Seriously, it's gotten to the point that this has become ridiculous. Somethings gotta happen soon.
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