Hkizzle Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Ok there have been entire books written about the subject. But I'll try to condense the post to explain why you're just a friend whilst the person you like is dating someone that's being a jerk to them (whether guy or girl). Human attraction and how you seduce someone isn't based on logic or nice. It's based on value. There's 3 stages to getting someone: 1. Attraction 2. Comfort building/ connection building 3. Seduction/ Sexual tension Get any of the stages wrong and you might like someone but your success rate drops depending on how wrong you get it. People that have problems getting who they want don't understand these stages. Same with people that get played by jerks who they think are nice people. Most nice people focus too much on the second stage. For them because they like the other person they think there's a connection and projecting their desire on the other person. Whilst the other person just sees a nice friend. To get someone you first need to attract them, either physically or by showing you're fun and interesting to be with, and possess high energy levels. Without creating the initial perceived value you can be nice all you want but you'll just be a friend. You then move on to the connection building phase, but if you don't move on successfully to sexual tension then you get friend zoned. So nice people need to focus on stages 1 and 3 more instead of just being nice. As for why so many men and women fall for jerks. They make the mistake of thinking a player is just someone that shows stage 1 and 3. They don't realize smart players spend a lot of time focusing on 2, to create comfort and a connection. Players, jerks, bitches, etc, spend enough time on stage 2 until they see the other person is emotionally attached and hooked. Then their logical mind and defensives are disarmed. Once they are hooked they can then reveal their true selves and the other person is often still hooked for many months. Get the picture now? Questions and wanting more explaining welcomed.
CaliGuy Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 No More Mr Nice Guy (Glover) explains the real reason and, isntead of band-aids to fix one's insecurity, it fixes the root cause of the problem!
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Any advice for people who just aren't attractive in general? Not trying to be facetious, but in my case, there is no 'one', I usually get stuck never going beyond two, sometimes I get to three but it invariably dead ends from there.
shadowplay Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Any advice for people who just aren't attractive in general? Not trying to be facetious, but in my case, there is no 'one', I usually get stuck never going beyond two, sometimes I get to three but it invariably dead ends from there. I'm wondering the same thing.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Yeah, there's nothing I can do about it either and it isn't a matter of me just thinking that I am unattractive. In many ways I am simply not what is considered attractive to the opposite sex. I have no boobs... literally. Just two scars where they used to be. I have a large frame and am not overweight, but am built solidly and athletically with muscles larger than the average girl's, so I will never be anything other than 'sturdy looking' even with a killer waste to hip ratio. My hair is short and grows slowly because I lost it all to chemo last year. I don't look good in makeup, and I don't really look right in feminine clothes either. I look like a man in drag or something. Even my facial features are not feminine. The pros are that I am very sexual and very, very good at what I do and people do tend to get attached to me but it is never in the 'romantic' or 'girlfriend' sense. I'm also approaching forty, though I don't look it. So what do people like me do? Are there any options, or is it a 'take what you can get' sort of thing? I don't want to settle for that, any more than I want someone settling for me. Guess I'm f*cked.
espec10001 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 First of all, everything you ever want in life comes from inside you. You are all attractive and beautiful in your own way. Do not listen to the s*** that is spewed towards you in this society. It is a one-size-fits-all approach, and we all know that we are all not the physically the same. If you learn to know who you really are, you'll all learn that at the core you are all brilliant and beautiful, and wonderful, and this is where we are all the same. For single people, always remember that you simply have not found the right person yet, and this is a clear sign you still have internal work to do. Once the internal work is complete, the outer will reflect it. The world you see is a mirror of your soul. Stand tall and stand proud!
loveslife Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Honestly, I think the whole three stages of attraction, etc. etc. is a bunch of bull. Just be yourself as best you can and hope someone else can be themself with you and you'll just know naturally. I think where most of us get tripped up is losing our sense of self. When that becomes weak we become easy prey for the jerks. When we make choices that make us feel good about ourselves we're MUCH less likely to need someone else to validate us so we're more likely to only go for someone who values us. I do believe it's that simple.
Vet Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Yeah, there's nothing I can do about it either and it isn't a matter of me just thinking that I am unattractive. In many ways I am simply not what is considered attractive to the opposite sex. I have no boobs... literally. Just two scars where they used to be. I have a large frame and am not overweight, but am built solidly and athletically with muscles larger than the average girl's, so I will never be anything other than 'sturdy looking' even with a killer waste to hip ratio. My hair is short and grows slowly because I lost it all to chemo last year. I don't look good in makeup, and I don't really look right in feminine clothes either. I look like a man in drag or something. Even my facial features are not feminine. The pros are that I am very sexual and very, very good at what I do and people do tend to get attached to me but it is never in the 'romantic' or 'girlfriend' sense. I'm also approaching forty, though I don't look it. So what do people like me do? Are there any options, or is it a 'take what you can get' sort of thing? I don't want to settle for that, any more than I want someone settling for me. Guess I'm f*cked. The only people that have to settle are the ones that accept that they have to. Contrary to popular belief, men don't need their partners to look like an ideal, and for the ones that do, you wouldn't want them any way. Sexy is an attitude, not a look. A woman's mind and insight are the most beautiful attributes you can have. Don't get discouraged; this is just a rough time in your life that you'll get past.
Author Hkizzle Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Yeah, there's nothing I can do about it either and it isn't a matter of me just thinking that I am unattractive. In many ways I am simply not what is considered attractive to the opposite sex. I have no boobs... literally. Just two scars where they used to be. I have a large frame and am not overweight, but am built solidly and athletically with muscles larger than the average girl's, so I will never be anything other than 'sturdy looking' even with a killer waste to hip ratio. My hair is short and grows slowly because I lost it all to chemo last year. I don't look good in makeup, and I don't really look right in feminine clothes either. I look like a man in drag or something. Even my facial features are not feminine. The pros are that I am very sexual and very, very good at what I do and people do tend to get attached to me but it is never in the 'romantic' or 'girlfriend' sense. I'm also approaching forty, though I don't look it. So what do people like me do? Are there any options, or is it a 'take what you can get' sort of thing? I don't want to settle for that, any more than I want someone settling for me. Guess I'm f*cked. Come on people, the you are beautiful inside saying whilst uplifting, is about as practical as telling some kid in Somalia to believe in World peace. Let's give practical useful advice. I remember you mentioning this before, and also said you like tall buff guys. I think I suggested that you should join a fitness club or weight lifting club with more beefy men who might be into a woman of your athletic build.
Author Hkizzle Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 I'm wondering the same thing. You mind sending me a pic of yourself? You started a thread about your looks, but it's hard to tell what you can improve on. Many people can look a lot better with a simply haircut or changing their style.
Vet Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Come on people, the you are beautiful inside saying whilst uplifting, is about as practical as telling some kid in Somalia to believe in World peace. Let's give practical useful advice. I remember you mentioning this before, and also said you like tall buff guys. I think I suggested that you should join a fitness club or weight lifting club with more beefy men who might be into a woman of your athletic build. This is about as practical and useful as your above analogy, or more specifically telling her to "go and and meet people". Without knowing her more than an avatar and text on a computer screen, "practical" advice is pointless because you don't know them in practice. I'd rather give advice that I know is true and might be beneficial.
loveslife Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 This is about as practical and useful as your above analogy, or more specifically telling her to "go and and meet people". Without knowing her more than an avatar and text on a computer screen, "practical" advice is pointless because you don't know them in practice. I'd rather give advice that I know is true and might be beneficial. I agree. The only advice people give on this board is going to be hypothetical for the most part. And I think any advice encouraging someone to work on their feelings about themselves is going to help them a lot. To me, Vet's advice was both practical and inspirational.
Author Hkizzle Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 That's why in a PREVIOUS thread the poster described herself in detaill and had a pic of herself. If you know what a person looks like then you can give them suggestions on style changes or workable solutions. So many people say............just be yourself. But that doesn't help someone that hasn't attract anyone in years and just wants to attract at least one person they are attracted to. Again inpirational is telling a kid in Somalia to believe in World peace. Practical would be teaching him skills to get out of the damn country and a decent liefstyle.
loveslife Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 That's why in a PREVIOUS thread the poster described herself in detaill and had a pic of herself. If you know what a person looks like then you can give them suggestions on style changes or workable solutions. So many people say............just be yourself. But that doesn't help someone that hasn't attract anyone in years and just wants to attract at least one person they are attracted to. Again inpirational is telling a kid in Somalia to believe in World peace. Practical would be teaching him skills to get out of the damn country and a decent liefstyle. Honestly, Hkizzle, I don't understand why you insist that you know best so often. This is a public forum and if you don't want people to post their opinions then don't ask - or don't post. I have found it to be 100% true 100% of the time that when someone who has had bad luck with attracting a member of the opposite sex starts seeing themself differently, others do, too.
Author Hkizzle Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Honestly, Hkizzle, I don't understand why you insist that you know best so often. This is a public forum and if you don't want people to post their opinions then don't ask - or don't post. I have found it to be 100% true 100% of the time that when someone who has had bad luck with attracting a member of the opposite sex starts seeing themself differently, others do, too. Yes and I agree with you absolutely. Positive attitude is key. If you think you're beautiful then you will suddenly appear more beautiful in front of other people. But you have to create a positive trigger in someone first. It's like someone is depressed and you just tell them, think positive........Well duh, that's obvious............ How do you start them off feeling slightly better so they start having a positive feedback loop? Again, it's like telling a kid to believe in World peace, which is great but a practical start is what the kid needs. Send me a pic so I can give advice on a make over. As for "This is a public forum and if you don't want people to post their opinions then don't ask - or don't post." TOUCHE!
paddington bear Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 What I have learned about the friendzone 1) do not go there 2) Do Not GO THERE!!! 3) Just don't even think of peeking through that door that leads into the friendzone, it's a horrible, nasty, evil place. 4) As soon as you realise you are attracted to someone, flirt, or let them know that you are attracted to them sexually 5) If you get no response, if they give you the 'let's be friends line', you walk away. WALK AWAY. Tell them, sure you can be friends, but you're looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend right now, and when you're in happy couple land with someone else, you'd be glad, then and only then to be friends (stick with this, do not go back on your words, do not hope against hope that they will change their mind about you, they probably won't) Here's a little story that happened to me recently. My neighbour called to my door with a bill that he didn't understand asking for help. I helped him. We talked. He asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said no. He said 'well then, we could meet this weekend'. I said 'sure'. He called into me that weekend as promised. He said he'd been trying to build up the courage to ask me out for months. He said he liked me, was attracted to me. He kissed me. Easy. No bull****. No 'hmm, the thing is, I've unresolved feelings for my ex' or 'I'm not sure I'm ready right now for a relationship' or 'I only see you as a friend, but maybe one day...' none of that crap. Upfront honesty and putting cards on the table of what you want and risking the rejection that might come with that. Compare this neighbour scenario to my last unrequited love friendzone situation. 2 years of my life wasted on a man who said 'my life's too complicated right now for a relationship, I'm not saying that I'll always feel this way, but I do right now' but yet called me every day, he shared his most intimate secrets with me, he relied on me, needed me, took me out, repeatedly told me 'I can't lose you from my life', and yet never actually got past the 'complicated' part of his life, and thus made my life complicated. And I let him do that. I hung around...waiting...waiting...waiting...like an idiot. Don't do that!!! Don't hang around waiting. Just don't. Soul destroying, self-esteem lowering waste of time. Nip any friendzone stuff in the bud as soon as you see things going down that route. If the person changes their mind, they will come back to you, but more likely that they won't, there's always a reason that they don't want you in the first place, not attracted to you, in love with someone else, not over an ex. So thinking that by simply being around them might make them change their mind is silly. Go off, live your own life, away from the object of your affection and if and when they get over their issues, only then are you both in the right place to exit the friendzone together hand in hand into the sunset. That's the difference between scenario 1 and 2. In 2, there is no 'wondering if' or 'hoping that one day...' (I can only speak about guys here) a guy likes you or will suddenly change his mind and want to be with you. If he likes you, at some point sooner than 2 years, he will do or say something about it. And for those who get up off their asses and simply do something about it, they are more likely to get the girl/guy - 'he who hesistates is lost' springs to mind. If you like someone, show it, do something, as soon as possible, if you don't you'll get friendzoned, if you do something and get rejected at the beginning, better that than hanging around mooning over someone who doesn't want you for months and years into the future. The humming haawing person who is 'not sure' will ultimately lose the girl/guy who is hankering after them (and who they probably never wanted in the first place) thus wasting both parties valuable time where they could have been concentrating on finding someone who could provide the package deal of the good friendship and the sexual relationship.
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