harlequincauche Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I was hanging out with my friend this past Friday and he gives me the low down on his ex, which infuriates me because he knows how I feel about him but I listen anyways. He tells me all the times she cheated on him and uses him for money but he still loves her and wants her back. He can't understand why he loves her because from his own mouth he has stated that she is scum. He proceeds to tell me that he should really be more interested in me since we have more in common than him and his ex. I am responsible, cause very little drama and don't have a drug problem. On top of it, he knows I am crazy about him and I know he likes me because he continues to hang out with me and talk to me. I just really do not understand his hang ups with his ex. I am trying to be the good friend and to show him that I am there to help but I guess it just isn't good enough for him. My logic says to walk away but my heart says to wait. Not sure what to do, help please.
Hkizzle Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 You're experiencing what many nice guys and girls experience. They see someone they like that's dating someone messed up, yet your object of attraction isn't dating you even though you're a lot nicer. That's because human attraction isn't based on nice. People logically say they want nice, but attracted to other indicators of value.
Author harlequincauche Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 But besides being nice, we have a whole lot more in common. She would never want to do anything that he wanted and would call it stupid. We have soo much fun together doing our hobbies but I guess being a b*tch that treats you like crap is where its at.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I don't understand why you put up with listening to him go on and on about her, ad nauseum. Perhaps the reason he likes her so much is because she's "challenging" and you're too nice. So the next time he goes on and on about her - look extremely bored and change the damn subject. You're not his freaking buddy - you want to be a romantic prospect. But as long as you listen to his sob stories, you will remain a friend and only a friend. But I also want to add - I don't understand why you'd be interested in somebody that is hung up on someone else. You shouldn't have to convince somebody of your value - they should just be able to see it. And if they can't see it on their own, they're pretty stupid. And why would you want to date someone that's stupid?
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 He needs her. In some f*cked up way he feels she completes something inside him. Not everything we need is good for us, kind of like how a crackhead needs crack. It sucks to be in that situation. I find myself in it frequently. Not sure what to tell you other than to remove yourself from the situation if it is too painful. He certainly isn't going to do what you would like for him to do. If I've learned nothing else, it is that it is better to cut your losses in situations like this, however painful it might be to do so.
Woggle Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Some guys are addicted to drama and women who treat them like trash. I fI were you I would cut my losses because many men would love to have a woman like you.
Taramere Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 My logic says to walk away but my heart says to wait. Not sure what to do, help please. Does your logic really say that? The decisions you make come from logic....but logic can be skewed, and it can take many forms which often conflict with eachother. All you need to do is listen to a well conducted debate to see that two individuals can present very logical sounding arguments that are in complete opposition to eachother. As children we're told "hard work/patience will eventually reap a reward." Adults, teachers and trustworthy authority figures generally will give us that message - and so we accept it as truth, or logic. And naturally, hard work and patience are necessary when you're working towards a hard-to-achieve goal. A certain degree of suffering might be a negative side effect of the sacrifices or difficult decisions you have to make when reaching for that goal. It's skewed logic, though, to assume that because you're exercising huge amounts of patience and effort, and experiencing emotional suffering in the process, there must inevitably be some reward at the end of it all. Addicts often demonstrate that skewed logic. So do people who pour good money after bad in poor investment decisions. Sometimes the degree of effort, patience and suffering involved is nothing more than a sign that you're chasing the wrong goal or a futile dream. To face up to the possibility that skewed logic has led you to completely waste your time in a pointless pursuit is hard. It's easier and more pleasant to think of oneself as a nice, "good" person who romantically follows his or her heart, gets used/put upon by more cynical individuals....but optimistically believes that all the pain will be worth it in the end. If this man is genuinely your friend, then presumably you're getting more out of the friendship than simply a sense that you're his sounding board for romantic woes. If you're not getting more out of it than being the long suffering sounding board, then what does that say about him? I would suggest that it says he has little value to you beyond being a frustrating "love object". If, however, there's a genuine friendship there, and he contributes positively to your life in many ways, then perhaps it's time to focus on that. Perhaps encourage him to contribute a bit more, by saying something along the lines of "look - I'm your friend, and I love you dearly....but these circular discussions and venting sessions about your ex are pretty draining and tedious. At some point you're going to have to either move on from her or do whatever it takes to get back with her, but I don't think I'm doing you any favours by letting you continually vent about her to me. I think it just keeps you stuck." In other words be a proper friend to him rather than just an adoring, patiently listening lapdog. But if the friendship is really just based on you suffering from unrequited love, and him using that to his own advantage - then of course it's time to recognise your skewed logic for what it is, and walk away.
loveslife Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 One thing to consider - what type of relationship prospect is he really if he's so comfortable being hung up on a drug-addicted scum? He stays emotionally invested in a scum? He cannot extricate himself from a highly dysfunctional relationship? He obviously has problems. Do you really think you're a good romantic prospect for him? Him for you? Can you co-exist in a relationship with someone who is so screwed up? Okay, so that's a lot of things to consider... I've been where you are now. I've spent years waiting for the guy to "get it." And probably in some way I wanted to be their reward for picking better. What I came to realize though is my attachment to these (lets face it) unavailable men was a symptom of my own emotional unavailability. Now, I see you sitting there saying, but, no, I DO want a relationship and I am available. But I think if you were truly available for a healthy relationship you wouldn't be so stuck on how good you'd be with this guy. Keep in mind that the minute you stepped into this situation you became a part of the dysfunction.
BCCA Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 He proceeds to tell me that he should really be more interested in me since we have more in common than him and his ex. I am responsible, cause very little drama and don't have a drug problem. On top of it, he knows I am crazy about him and I know he likes me because he continues to hang out with me and talk to me This caught my eye, and could be part of your problem. People dont put much value into anything that doesnt take any effort to obtain. You basically laid your cards out too soon, he knows he can have you if he wanted, so why limit himself before he has to? He can try and convince his dysfunctional ex to take him back, or find someone else, and if all else fails - there is you. In the future, its alright to like someone, but when your feelings arent returned, its time to walk. I learned through trial and error over and over that if someone isnt interested today, they wont be tomorrow or the day after, either. You cant wait it out or expect them to have an epiphany and change their mind, because it probably wont happen. Just accept and respect that they arent on the same page, and try and find someone that will.
You'reasian Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I was hanging out with my friend this past Friday and he gives me the low down on his ex, which infuriates me because he knows how I feel about him but I listen anyways. He tells me all the times she cheated on him and uses him for money but he still loves her and wants her back. He can't understand why he loves her because from his own mouth he has stated that she is scum. He proceeds to tell me that he should really be more interested in me since we have more in common than him and his ex. I am responsible, cause very little drama and don't have a drug problem. On top of it, he knows I am crazy about him and I know he likes me because he continues to hang out with me and talk to me. I just really do not understand his hang ups with his ex. I am trying to be the good friend and to show him that I am there to help but I guess it just isn't good enough for him. My logic says to walk away but my heart says to wait. Not sure what to do, help please. If you wanna be bold, confront him about this topic. Tell him you want him and only him - see where it goes. I'm sure you'll get one of these
loveslife Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 In the future, its alright to like someone, but when your feelings arent returned, its time to walk. I learned through trial and error over and over that if someone isnt interested today, they wont be tomorrow or the day after, either. You cant wait it out or expect them to have an epiphany and change their mind, because it probably wont happen. Just accept and respect that they arent on the same page, and try and find someone that will. Truer words have ne'er been spoken!! Amen sistah!!
Soul Bear Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I think it was the dixie chicks who said ''You can see I love you, You can see she doesn't, But you just keep a holding on.... There's your trouble'' Yeah I like the dixie chicks...so what? You gotta problem with that?
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 yeah i like the dixie chicks...so what? You gotta problem with that? p***y. Lol
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