Why is it that men get over long relationships faster than women?

[battaman]

We ended a 3 year college relationship. She got a new BF and wanted to move on. I think it took me about 2 weeks to feel "ok". And day by day Im making huge strides.

But her, it's been 3-4 months, is deeply in love with her new BF, and yet i find out all the time that she spends nights crying , feeling guilty, processing the relationship.

 

Is there a biological reason for this? (Evolution perhaps?) Why men get over relationships much faster than women?

[battaman]

ps-

I know tons of women who even dumped their BF, moved on and kept on thinking and analyzing the relationship for months/years.

While my close guy friends, even if deeply in love, felt the pain for about 2-3 weeks and then went on as if it didnt even happen

[boogieboy]

if you only took 2 weeks to get over someone after a 2 year relationship, at some point you checked out of it and wasnt into the women, or you never were really as into her as you thought. Theres plenty of men here who still havent gotten over their ex's after months.

[Beeotch]

We ended a 3 year college relationship. She got a new BF and wanted to move on. I think it took me about 2 weeks to feel "ok". And day by day Im making huge strides.

But her, it's been 3-4 months, is deeply in love with her new BF, and yet i find out all the time that she spends nights crying , feeling guilty, processing the relationship.

 

Is there a biological reason for this? (Evolution perhaps?) Why men get over relationships much faster than women?

 

I think different things are going on here:

 

She entered into a rebound scenario. A rebound scenario is a temporary fix. It is ignoring your hurt, pain and instead of grieving it is like denying it exists and using someone else to fill the gap. It is almost like if a loved one dies...and a person is in denial and doesn't go to the funeral and build sup this false belief that everything is okay...they will seem fine for a wile but eventually reality HITS and they process those emotions.Whereas the person who admits it and cries and gets it out is less likely to be still distraught months later.

 

I don't think it is a rule that men get over relationships quicker. I think it depends on who breaks up with who and what feelings were there.

 

I think men tend to do rebound situations more so they might APPEAR on the outside to be over it...

 

As well as men are socialized to be less emotional in general...so women might talk about their issues/problems/pain more and it is NOT a sign of weakness or not being over something but it is a healthy way of processing situations.Whereas men may not cry and talk about it and so forth...but just find distractions etc so again it APPEARS as if they are over it. But who knows how they feel inside?

[Danielle46]

I think this really depends on each unique situation. You have to take into account what you had with this person, and really want it meant. You can have some good with someone but if it wasn't all around "true love" then it may not take long to just overcome the grief associated with you parting your ways.

 

On a gender note, women tend to anazlyze and ponder over things more than men do anyway. It's just that we are more in touch with our emotions than most men are. (Not discounting the men who are aware of their emotions) Women read into things and wonder if they missed something. Men are more likely to fix what's wrong at the moment and then continue on. It's very complex but I don't think that it really has too too much of an impact on things.

 

I really feel that it's unique to each situation. Each person is obviously different from the next and the way they handle things is also different. On a broad sense though, I see where you're coming from in asking this question...

 

But really, I don't have a solid answer for you and I'm not so sure there's one out there.

[adamt]

I don't think men get over someone quicker than a women. Although i think more women do the dumping. Women probably have more friends to lean on and help them. Sometimes men can be left stranded after being dumped out of the blue in their eyes.

 

I got dumped over 2 months ago and not over her yet and she seems to have moved on pretty quick and not heard from her. I'm left feeling i wish she had talked to me a lot sooner so i could have fixed things. Seems a general pattern that women sit on issues then don't let you know about them until they are ready to quit the relationship. The man then wants to fix things but its all too late. The split feels it is out of the blue. the man is left lonely,lost,confused and heart broken.

[joseffrost]

I don't think men get over someone quicker than a women. Although i think more women do the dumping. Women probably have more friends to lean on and help them. Sometimes men can be left stranded after being dumped out of the blue in their eyes.

 

I got dumped over 2 months ago and not over her yet and she seems to have moved on pretty quick and not heard from her. I'm left feeling i wish she had talked to me a lot sooner so i could have fixed things. Seems a general pattern that women sit on issues then don't let you know about them until they are ready to quit the relationship. The man then wants to fix things but its all too late. The split feels it is out of the blue. the man is left lonely,lost,confused and heart broken.

 

My situation is exactly the same, almost to the day!

[Trialbyfire]

IME, men take far longer than women, to get over relationships. The old paraphrased saying:

 

Women invest during the relationship, men invest at the end of it.

[ryepatch]

men take far longer, if it was true love and a living together situation and they were the dumped one. women get checked out all over the place, the supermarket, everywhere. they get sexual attention from men, and femalebonding attention from women. it doesn't matter if they don't want sex, the fact that they could get it if they want is an ego boost. men get none of this. malebonding doesn't help if you're pining for a woman, men always have the attitude that you shouold buck up and take it. and women avoid a dumped man like the plague. it's ridiculous. my wife is partying with all our friends, who aren't talking to me because i have a penis. they were common friends, but they're all talking to her and not me, even though she walked out on me without cause or explanation. they won't even return my calls or give me bull**** excuses. everyone's attention goes straight to the woman.

 

why do you think women are on the covers of both men's and women's magazines?

 

men are disposable.

[adamt]

I suppose generally women get approached by men whereas men have to do the approaching. So until a man is fully over their ex they will find it hard to get back into a relationship.He needs to rebuild his confidence. Women will get offers without having to go look for a man. The man has to learn the art of hunting again. If you have been in a long term relationship that can be quite daunting.

[Woggle]

Men don't always get over it as fast as you do. The fact that you are moving on quickly is what is probably upsetting her. Some female dumpers can't stand it if the man isn't sitting at home tearing himself up over the split.

[mickleb]

It's called denial.

 

OR

 

You just weren't 'that into her'. In which case, WHY stay for three years? Just for the sex? That's what porn is for, surely?! Or, maybe, she looked after you, a bit like your mama did? If so, that's a landmine waiting to take a cherished part of your masculinity away sometime in the future, so tread very carefully.

 

Must say that us ladies do need to speak up earlier, though. We've got a problem with stating our needs, we worry we might hurt our man's feelings. But it's so much more hurtful for them when it all comes out 'in the wash', so to speak.

 

I am realising every day how much of a gulf there is between men and women. I'm 37 and just getting this stuff!

 

Believe me, though, boys: you are in NO WAY disposable. I've got a lot of good things going on in my life but am honest enough to admit that there ain't nothing like a bit of romance... xx

[skreen23]

I'm out of a 6 year relationship since april and i'm still not over my ex. Really miss her and her family and just all the little things. I think the thing i miss the most is female company, not the sex or physical stuff, just the company.

[joseffrost]

It's the person who cares the most about the relationship who takes time to get over it. If someone is willing to walk away from you (without a good reason - ie addiction, abuse, cheating) then they are already partly over you by the time they leave, and then when you're gone they either miss you or don't, simple as that.

[adamt]

HArd bit i'm finding to deal with is wondering how long the ex had been having doubts. i always thought we had an honest relationship(so we both agreed at the time ) but that seemed a load of rubbish. it's hurtful when you say and talk about stuff and now know the ex was probably putting on a front and hiding her feelings. One thing for sure, women have to start letting their partners know about the issues a lot sooner in the relationship.Good communication is the key. keeping it to yourself just wont help. we cant read minds. All i do now is look back and see things that i think could have been easily fixed if i had known.

 

Remember it is like a car, ignore the little problems like oil to keep the engine lubricated and eventually the engine blows up and the car is knackered.

[joseffrost]

Good communication is the key. keeping it to yourself just wont help. we cant read minds. All i do now is look back and see things that i think could have been easily fixed if i had known.

 

Same here - and how ironic that she said I kept too much back.

[adamt]

Same here - and how ironic that she said I kept too much back.

 

 

Yeah she said the same to me, although she had lots of stuff going on outside her life but never opened up to me when i asked. I guess she was already shutting down.

 

But in the end, her silence for over 2 months speaks louder than words. Clearly she was wanting to end the relationship for a while. I was getting mixed signals. Looking back,i think she was wanting me to finish it to make it easier on herself. I did make some change on what she had said but obviously it was too late

[Lizzie60]

I haven't read the whole thread.. but to answer the OP.. I honestly think there is a biological reason.

 

Men and women are wired differently... in MOST cases anyway... women are way more emotional (some men are... but I'm talking 'in general').

 

I do think men find it easier to move on.. They have this ability to move on ... for some inexplicable reason (probably biological).. but it is interesting..

[Thaddeus]

I haven't read the whole thread.. but to answer the OP.. I honestly think there is a biological reason.

 

Men and women are wired differently... in MOST cases anyway... women are way more emotional (some men are... but I'm talking 'in general').

 

I do think men find it easier to move on.. They have this ability to move on ... for some inexplicable reason (probably biological).. but it is interesting..

I think my friend Lizzie60 might be on to something.

 

When my women friends have a problem of some sort, they tend to go into 'talk' mode. They talk and talk and talk and talk, sharing tea and complaining about whatever it is that's going on... but they don't take action, they don't make the effort to fix anything, so the problem doesn't get solved. It just gets talked about on and on and on and on...

 

But when my guy friends have an issue, sure, they might talk about it for a short time, but then they'll generally go about fixing it. The fixing could take a number of forms and it's obviously dependent on the issue, but the point is that they'll take action and actually do something about it, rather than sit around the kitchen table yakking. And it's precisely because of this bias to action, rather than talking, that men generally get over relationships quicker than women.

[Lizzie60]

Thad .. I think it's more than just constantly talking about it.. I sincerely think that men, in general, can move faster than women for some biological reason.. I'm not an expert in that matter.. but I strongly feel that men have it easier in that department.

 

I find it interesting that MOST men can cheat and still want to remain married ... while married women, usually, fall head over heels for their lover..and will find it atrociously difficult to stay with their H.. or if they stay.. the 'sacrifice' will be a lot more painful.

 

Men can compartimentalize (sp?) easier.. women have a more difficult time .. I guess it's all biological..

[Thaddeus]

Men can compartimentalize (sp?) easier.. women have a more difficult time .. I guess it's all biological..

I would agree with you.

 

Apparently it's easier for a woman, because of the bundles of nerve fibers and the way they exist in the female brain, to bounce thoughts and ideas back and forth between the two hemispheres of the brain, the logical part and the emotional part. (It's WAY more complex than that, of course, but for the purposes of this discussion that pretty much sums it up.)

 

That's got good and bad aspects to it.

 

The good aspect is that the woman can quite literally use more brainpower when tackling a task. (Many women often refer to this as multi-tasking and suggest that women can do this better than men. But it's not actually multi-tasking at all, it's simply seeing tasks from different angles.)

 

The downside is that there is a tendency to get stuck in analysis paralysis. And we see it here on the boards all the time, when a man says something to his partner and his partner comes on and asks for interpretation: "What did he really mean when he said X?" when the X could be, oh, a suggestion to meet for coffee.

 

Men, generally, tend to make a decision relatively quickly and follow through with any required action. Again, that can be good and it can be bad, it all depends on the context. If the decision is the correct one, then the problem is solved and the issue's over. But if the decision is bad, many men will stick with it even after having discovered they've made the wrong call. (I know that I've personally done this on more than one occasion.)

[Lizzie60]

'' Men, generally, tend to make a decision relatively quickly and follow through with any required action. Again, that can be good and it can be bad, it all depends on the context. If the decision is the correct one, then the problem is solved and the issue's over. But if the decision is bad, many men will stick with it even after having discovered they've made the wrong call. (I know that I've personally done this on more than one occasion.) "

 

I smile at this.. it is sooo true.. sometimes they will even say: Well if I make the wrong decision, it will be my loss.. and I'll live with it..

 

When women, make the wrong call.. they will (again in general) call, plea, forgive, so they don't lose the loved one.

[adamt]

I agree that men make quicker decisions and women think about things a lot longer. But i think women recover quicker. their friends and family are quick to offer help and support and get closer. men dont get as close to their friends and usually the best solution seems to be "lets go out for a beer and drown your sorrows". I think women can draw a line quicker where they know there is no going back.

 

Men are more than likely to miss the warning signs in a relationship. Men can be blinkered. so being dumped can be out of the blue. men are more physically into a relationship. Women are more emotionally attached and will think over things once they have doubts the relationship is what they want. I think women can spot something wrong in the relationship quicker too.

[silic0ntoad]

IME, men take far longer than women, to get over relationships. The old paraphrased saying:

 

Women invest during the relationship, men invest at the end of it.

 

 

I call BS on this line. In my relationship, I was the one trying to go out and do new things with her, trying to set stuff up constantly, expressing my emotions and being emotionally supportive of her. I invested alot more physically and emotionally during the relationship.

 

I think honestly, any woman who says they are over a relationship almost immediately after is simply filling a reservoir and it will burst. I've seen it too many times. People leapfrog from one to another just to fill this sickening void of self deprivation and lonliness they feel. Eventually the empire of tears and heartbreak they have constructed becomes too much to bear inside, and they lose everything because they can no longer contain it.

 

The sword of guilt is the heaviest to bear. So no, I don't buy that women or men get over relationships faster than one or the other. They do it in different ways. But, women have a tendancy to pine for comfort more than a man.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[battaman]

great answers guys. thanks.

there was an interesting post talking about how her "rebound" relationship was obviously a cover up, and that she was just convincing herself that nothing had happened.........but inevitably would feel the pain/grief.

 

Does this matter if she had much support? She's sort of a "strong front" type, ie: closes up to even close friends. wont admit she's hurt.

But im sure she talked about it.