Starry-eyed Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 My boyfriend loves photography. He has two collages in his living room of pictures from periods and events in his life (life before me), including previous girlfriends. There are also some pictures of women that he says were not girlfriends, just friends. In these collages, there are also some group pictures of him and friends on some of their travels, and some scenic photos of places, a picture of his car and his house, so there is some variety in these collages. In my mind, though, the ones that stand out are of the females, but I’m trying to objective in my description here ]He says that these are pictures of good times in his life, good memories, and that the pictures of his old girlfriends don’t mean he still longs for them. He says that he does not compare me to them and that I should not feel insecure or threatened by them in anyway, and if I do, it is my insecurity and the way I choose to look at them ]In the extra bedroom in his house, he has four photos on the wall of women that he took in a photography class. The photos are fairly close-up of their faces, but they don’t appear to be “flirty” pictures. I realize they are not old girlfriends and the pictures were for a class, but they have always bothered meWhat do you think of this? Men and women – any thoughts? These photos have always bothered me (2 years now) because I do have some insecurities. I’ve tried to believe his logic and believe that he doesn’t wish that I looked like any of them or that he wishes he were still going out with any of them. But inside, it hurts my feelings. Recently, I saw a picture he had taken when he was on a business trip a month ago and out with a group of people at a field site (outdoors). It was just accidental that I saw the picture. In the pic, the woman has on what I think is a fairly snug-fitting white t-shirt and sunglasses and a baseball hat and the wind is sort of blowing her hair. I don’t think she’s looking at the camera, so I don’t even know if she knows he took her pic. This upset me very much, but he said it is “meaningless” and the picture “doesn’t mean anything.” He says it doesn’t mean he wants to have sex with her or finds her attractive, it was just an opportunity to take a nicely framed shot. He says he also took photos of other people on the trip, although I haven’t seen those and don’t know what those are like. He says his taking pictures of other women has no bearing on his feelings for me, is not a threat to our relationship, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me; he just loves photography and taking good shots. And he does love photography – he takes lots of photos of inanimate objects, too – great photos from trips we’ve taken and plants and places, etc He says he wishes I were not jealous or insecure on this issue. However, I am. I try not to be, I believe he loves me. I’m confused. He always seems so logical. Please help with any insight or opinions or anything! And thank you for reading this, I know it’s long (pardon poor formatting, it went wacky)
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I didn't read the entire post - I got the gist. You're wondering about pics of other girls that your man has around. Well, we're talking 2-dimensional pieces of paper vs a real relationship with a living, breathing human being. I'm having a hard time seeing the competition. You're in his life now, that's what matters, IMO. I can't say I've ever had a very strong emotional connection with a piece of paper. Even if you were to remove every picture of some other woman, if one of them was on his mind, do you think taking the pics away would make it stop?
AugustLane Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I can understand your frustration! But please don't get too upset. I love photography. If I see a human in an unobserved moment I think it is beautiful. Not the person, but the unobserved moment. If he is really serious about photography try to think of it that way. Have you ever caught someone in a moment where you briefly thought: wow, that would be a beautiful picture.
Author Starry-eyed Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Thank you both for your responses. I appreciate your perspectives and they are different from mine. August Lane, I can't recall ever seeing a man or guy somewhere and thinking about taking his pic because it would be a good photo (not while I was in a relationship anyway). I wouldn't do it because to me it's disrepectful and it DOES reflect on the relationship. Perhaps that is because for me to take a pic of another guy, it would indicate interest. I don't understand how him taking photos of other women does NOT show some sort of attraction or desire for them. Aren't men "visual creatures" and don't they want to have sex with every woman they see?
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Starry-eyed, let me ask you a question. Would you WANT to be with a man that values some image on a piece of paper over the beautiful woman he has in his arms? It doesn't even make sense to me to be worried about it. If he DOES have thoughts of wishing you looked like one of those women - who cares? That's his problem. You need to be comfortable in your own skin and KNOW that you can get and keep the man you have. Your insecurities about this can push him away. A man wants to be with a woman that knows her own value and appreciates herself - she doesn't need a man to fill that void. If he were to leave you because of some picture - WTF? Better sooner than later. At least you got to discover his true nature. For the time being - focus on his actions towards YOU - how he treats you. Is he loving? Is he attentive? That's all that matters. You're better than any woman he has ever photographed because you are RIGHT THERE, RIGHT NOW.
Author Starry-eyed Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Thanks, SoulSearch. You've hit on something with me being comfortable in my own skin - when I'm around him, I'm not comfortable in my skin. I have many insecurities. He is the most confident person I've ever known and he would like me to be that way, but it is really a struggle. I realize that I compare myself to his old girlfriends and the pictures - they are all women of a different physical and lifestyle type than I. I feel that he would rather be with someone like one of them instead of with me, but he just can't find anyone (he's 53 and never been married). I wouldn't have pictures of old boyfriends hanging on my walls if I had a different boyfriend. I put them away. I really appreciate this conversation. The other women in my life that know about the pictures think it is disrespectful and they wouldn't stand for it. That's what I'd tell someone else, too.
Thornton Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I wouldn't have a problem with him still possessing photos of old gfs - it's his history, his memories, after all. I would have an issue with him having such photos on display, even in a collage. I'd expect him to take them down and put them away - if he refused to do I'd doubt his commitment, since he chose a piece of paper over my feelings. The other photos - ok, they're not exes, they're meaningless, though I do think it's a bit odd to photograph random women. But the photos of the exes would have to go, or else.
D-Lish Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 My ex bf had a long term relationship with an art student. When I met him he was in transition, moving from one place to another. I helped him unpack- and came across numerous paintings she had composed for him- complete with the "to "F", love "L" in the bottom corner of all of the canvassed art. He hung all of those pics throughout his new house. I brought it up once that it made me uncomfortable and he got super angry with me. It was awkward to wake up every morning and look at the big painting on his bedroom wall with her love inscription to him in plain view. The whole house seemed like a shrine to his ex. We never resolved that arguement. He always said that he simply liked the art and I always felt insecure about his attachment to it. I rarely brought it up because I didn't want to get yelled at. He had a very strong opinion that no woman was ever going to change him or tell him what to do. I know our situations are different- but the similarity lies in the perception of what is in plain view in the partner's house. I do understand where you are coming from. It's very hard to ignore the pics once you start thinking about what they mean. In your situation, I think your bf simply loves photography. He's probably not focused on the subject as much as "the art". An urban landscape probably holds as much or more enthusiasm than any person. He probably doesn't see the pics as a collection of ex's- but most likely a testimony to his art. A person interested in photography takes pictures of EVERYTHING. If the collage in the bedroom with the ex's included in it bothers you (and I have to say I'd be all too aware of it)... Why not ask for a compromise- move it somewhere else. Let's face it- no matter how great your relationship is- I don't know of too many people that would be comfortable with their partner having a pic of their ex(s) in the bedroom. Even if they are small and included in a collage- still not cool. Don't be confrontational or weepy when you talk about it- just be matter of fact. "I respect your art, I like your art...but the pics of the ex bother me a bit and I was hoping we could compromise". Honestly- I can understand where you are coming from.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Straight up from someone who enjoys photography, I've never thrown out a photograph I've liked. It would be like throwing away a great book or for that matter, some of my drawings, which I put serious work into. Unless he's promised to throw them out, I think you're going to have to respect his art, regardless if it's good or not. Btw, good to see you posting again, albeit it's for a concern.
Storyrider Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Hi Starry-eyed! :) When I read your post, my first thought was, "Wow, how great, they've been together for two years now!" My second thought was, "And they finally said the L word!!!" :love: I think you should believe him when he says it means nothing because his actions in the relationship back that up.
Author Starry-eyed Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate the perspectives. TBF and Story, so good to "see" you, too. Story, I've wondered so many times how you were and what was going on with you. I hope we can catch up a bit. Your points are taken regarding his other actions in the relationship, and I do think about those things. The pictures of his ex-gf's and the women that he was attracted to have been an issue for me from the beginning, and although I have come to terms with some of it, and worked on trying not to be bothered by the pictures, obviously the whole subject just cuts me where it hurts. And it makes me angry at him. I have to decide for myself if the picture issue is the last straw, or just another one in the bale, you know what I mean?
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