drawmonkey Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 HELP! I got dumped saturday last weekend. I tried to talk to her that morning, and left her a few messages and emails over the weekend. She called that sunday and we talked some more, but she was still adamant it was over. But she said the lines of communication weren't closed and I could continue to contact her. Her reasons make no sense and a week before she was telling me I was the perfect man and there was nothing that could happen that would make her change her mind. I tried contacting her monday and her reaction was first no response then a cruel text. This was counter to what she told me Sunday. So I told her I wouldn't ever bother her again and spiraled into a deep depression. Tuesday I decided I needed to hold onto the hope she might change her mind, or I wouldn't be able to function right now. So I got her things together (as requested), packaged them up, and the next day dropped them off at her house while she was gone. I also included a long letter telling her how I feel and answering/refuting some of her complaints but telling her I can understand her position. I told her I hope she will someday change her mind and come back to me, and she'd be welcomed with open arms and no resentment (which was her worry if we got back together). I also said I would no longer bother her. The next day however, I had a very long, private conversation with her best friend about what had happened. She answered a lot of questions but didn't give me much hope for the possibility of reconciliation from her perspective. But didn't want to discourage me from trying. We did have a long talk about my unease at trying to talk to my Ex when I'm so very sensitive about abuse and stalking. But we talked about that at length and she told me she was convinced I was not that type of person and neither would my Ex. So I haven't made any contact since then. A week since speaking, 4 days since I dropped off her stuff, and 3 days since I talked to her friend. So 3-7 days of NC, depending on your definition. But I'm in a bad, bad way. I spent a good few hours today at "our" tree where we spent a lot of time in the park (basically would climb up in it and make out for hours), trying to think and find some peace. I've been going stir crazy wanting to talk to her and am so close to picking up the phone. But I want to wait 2 weeks, at least 1...hell, I would love to find the strength to wait a month. But I don't know if I can do it. Can anyone help me?
Thaddeus Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 A few things that I'll pick-and-choose, out of order of your original post, that might help shed some light:I tried to talk to her that morning, and left her a few messages and emails over the weekend. She called that sunday and we talked some more... I tried contacting her monday and her reaction was first no response then a cruel text... I also included a long letter telling her how I feel and answering/refuting some of her complaints...I've made this classic mistake as well. And it IS a mistake. This whole 'sharing of feelings' thing might sound good theoretically, but in practice it just doesn't work. You're now in the position of being perceived as crawling back and begging forgiveness (even if you didn't do anything wrong). The relationship is completely unbalanced - she's in the position of 100% power, you've got nothing. You've contacted her a number of times expressing your feelings and whatnot, and where has it gotten you? I don't mean to sound harsh here, but that's about the worst possible thing you could do.she was still adamant it was over. But she said the lines of communication weren't closed and I could continue to contact her.Oh, well isn't that just SPECIAL of her... If you listen closely, that inhaling sound you hear is her just about to tell you that even though you can't be partners, you can still be 'friends.' She'll enjoy the contact because it supports her position of power and gives her a big ego boost.I spent a good few hours today at "our" tree where we spent a lot of time in the park (basically would climb up in it and make out for hours), trying to think and find some peace.You won't find any peace while you continue to associate yourself with those places (and people) that remind you of her. There's a saying in some communities that when you are on the bad end of a breakup, you should GFTOW. The acronym stands for, "Go F*ck Ten Other Women." Now, personally I don't think that's such a hot idea, but I understand the intent - the intent is to distance yourself from your broken-up relationship by doing other things, seeing new people and all the rest. You know as well as I do that the only way to get through this in a healthy manner is NC. Yes, it's about the most difficult thing you may have to do. It's also the most necessary.
Author drawmonkey Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 I've made this classic mistake as well. And it IS a mistake. This whole 'sharing of feelings' thing might sound good theoretically, but in practice it just doesn't work. Yeah, I wish I hadn't done that. At least not in emails and such. The only real way to communicate is in person and I should have held back. Can't pull those words back though. You're now in the position of being perceived as crawling back and begging forgiveness (even if you didn't do anything wrong). The relationship is completely unbalanced - she's in the position of 100% power, you've got nothing. You've contacted her a number of times expressing your feelings and whatnot, and where has it gotten you? Nothing so far. She does have the power. Passive aggressive power, but yeah...she controls this whole thing right now. It sucks. If you listen closely, that inhaling sound you hear is her just about to tell you that even though you can't be partners, you can still be 'friends.' She mentioned the friends thing and I said that's not going to happen. You won't find any peace while you continue to associate yourself with those places (and people) that remind you of her. The problem is everything reminds me of her. And music is haunting me. We have a couple of VERY obscure songs that were special to us. And yet I keep hearing them. Last night one of them got played at a bar I was drinking my blues away at. It's like the universe WANTS me to keep thinking about her. the intent is to distance yourself from your broken-up relationship by doing other things, seeing new people and all the rest. I can't even conceive of dating again right now. Porn doesn't even interest me. She's in my mind DEEPLY. Ugh. You know as well as I do that the only way to get through this in a healthy manner is NC. Yes, it's about the most difficult thing you may have to do. It's also the most necessary. I know. I'm trying so hard...I just don't know how long I'll last. The next question is: let's assume I break down at some point and make contact...as dumb as that move is, are there things I can avoid saying/doing in that situation that'll help me NOT drive her further away? What's the best way to handle the situation if I'm too weak to keep up NC? If the plane goes down, where's the flotation device? =)
Thaddeus Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 She mentioned the friends thing and I said that's not going to happen.I knew it! (Sorry, don't want to sound like I'm gloating here, but women in this situation are extremely transparent. Despite them all being individuals, they do have this tendency to do very similar things.) It's entirely unsurprising. I'm glad you stuck to your guns and are having none of it.The problem is everything reminds me of her. And music is haunting me. We have a couple of VERY obscure songs that were special to us. And yet I keep hearing them. Last night one of them got played at a bar I was drinking my blues away at. It's like the universe WANTS me to keep thinking about her.Are you familiar with the Reticular Activation System? It's that process by which women who are pregnant are always seeing pregnant women around, or someone who buys a new car suddenly notices that there are a LOT of those same cars on the road. It's perfectly normal and natural but it has precious little to do with 'the universe' or any such thing. It's a way that your brain is processing information right now.I can't even conceive of dating again right now. Porn doesn't even interest me. She's in my mind DEEPLY. Ugh.Again, this is perfectly normal. At this point, dating someone else should be a long way off. It hurts, undoubtedly, but it's also an opportunity to revel in your newfound singlehood. So do something with it, something that she wouldn't be interested in doing with you. Learn to fly. Get your motorcycle license. Get your SCUBA certificate. Go sky diving or bungee jumping. Point is to do those things that she didn't like doing and you now have the opportunity to enjoy.The next question is: let's assume I break down at some point and make contact...as dumb as that move is, are there things I can avoid saying/doing in that situation that'll help me NOT drive her further away? What's the best way to handle the situation if I'm too weak to keep up NC? If the plane goes down, where's the flotation device? =)The best way to handle things is to maintain NC. But if that's not possible, then when you are in contact with her, share NOTHING about what you're feeling about her or your break-up. Nothing at all. Even if she goads you into 'sharing your feelings' (and I have no doubt she will try) keep your yap shut. There is a time to be communicative and a time to keep your mouth shut about these things. This is the latter.
Author drawmonkey Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 I knew it! (Sorry, don't want to sound like I'm gloating here, but women in this situation are extremely transparent. Despite them all being individuals, they do have this tendency to do very similar things.) It's entirely unsurprising. I'm glad you stuck to your guns and are having none of it. I'd be willing if I ever was convinced things were dead and coming back. But not now, when I want her back. But down the road if I KNOW it'll never be, then I would still be willing to keep her in my life. I mean, I'm friends with many ex's...my ex wife and are are great friends and my best friend in the world is someone I dated. Are you familiar with the Reticular Activation System? It's that process by which women who are pregnant are always seeing pregnant women around, or someone who buys a new car suddenly notices that there are a LOT of those same cars on the road. Yeah, I know that's what's going on with seeing hr car and people that look like her everywhere now. But the music is odd. These are VERY odd songs to hear in public. It hurts, undoubtedly, but it's also an opportunity to revel in your newfound singlehood. So do something with it, something that she wouldn't be interested in doing with you. Learn to fly. Get your motorcycle license. Get your SCUBA certificate. Go sky diving or bungee jumping. Point is to do those things that she didn't like doing and you now have the opportunity to enjoy.The best way to handle things is to maintain NC. But there was nothing she didn't like to do. She held me back in no manner, nor did I her. Plus I'm too broke to go out and go nuts. I'd LOVE to go sky diving, but I gotta pay rent. But if that's not possible, then when you are in contact with her, share NOTHING about what you're feeling about her or your break-up. Nothing at all. Even if she goads you into 'sharing your feelings' (and I have no doubt she will try) keep your yap shut. There is a time to be communicative and a time to keep your mouth shut about these things. This is the latter. Hmm...Then what would I talk to her about? Because what I want to do is talk. I don;t even want her to take me back now, I just want her forcefield to come off and for her to entertain the notion that we can work on it. Not that we will, but that its a possibility. Because a little over a week ago, the night of the breakup, she was going to give that opportunity the very next day. She even said she thought she was over thinking things and thought talking would mean working it out and we'd be fine. But her friend and my friend got in a fight that night and I was dragged in the middle. That incident caused her to revoke the opportunity to talk about things. So she was OPEN to talking. But now she's just totally shut down. All I want is that chance back....just the chance. That being the case, if we talk, what do I talk about? Small talk? How's the weather? I have no idea what to talk about other than the elephant in the room.
Author drawmonkey Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 I'm ashamed and feeling pretty dumb....I broke NC already. A friend was encouraging me to, but I refused. Then when I got back form the gym, where I thought about her nonstop, I texted her. I said "How are you doing today? Sorry for pushed you last week. It was not fair to you and kind of a dick move. I hope you have a great day, Christy." I'm an idiot. I don't think I'm going to make it through any length of time without doing some dumb **** like this.
Thaddeus Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 We've all done dumb sh*t in our lives. Key is not to beat yourself up over it, that solves nothing. Just start NC again. And don't expect a response from her. She may, and she may be nice or she may be vitriolic about it, but she may just ignore it. Either way, maintain NC.
Author drawmonkey Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 I even took her number off my phone so I wouldn't do this, but I have the damn thing memorized. When I sent it I convinced myself I didn't care if she responded. I just wanted to send a nice, non-desperate message. But Then I realized it doesn't matter my intent, she'll view it however she wants. I've been talking with her (to myself out loud) all day. I feel like I'm losing it.
Odyssey Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 This is gonna be hash, but what i did was get rid off EVERYTHING that reminded me of ex. That's right, box 'em up and put them in a hard to reach place (used to burn stuff, but now i think that's too extreme)! When i get in panic mode (when alone & not busy), i'd take deep breaths to calm down. Cry or Scream my lungs out! Bugged my friends, co-workers, family, the pet dog about it. Anyone - just talking helped. I stayed busy and focused on a new project, in my case i got into martial arts again. Any lame excuse to get out of the house, i did. Reading LS helped 'cause there others going through the same thing. You're not alone. This road will be long, but there's hope for you. I know you can do it! Because i did.
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