To those who cheated...

[yummyyummy]

What led you to it? How did it start? What advice would you give to others trying to strengthen their marriage? Did you ever claim you never had the desire to have an affair, yet when the opportunity arose, you jumped at the chance?

 

Just curious.

[delajoonal]

OMG! i wish my H could see this post and answer these questions:(

the questions NEVER answered by a cheating spouse....

 

i will be checking back on this one...very very curious;0

[LucreziaBorgia]

I've cheated so many times over the years. So many times. Let's see.

 

1. What led you to it?

2. How did it start?

3. What advice would you give to others trying to strengthen their marriage? 4. Did you ever claim you never had the desire to have an affair, yet when the opportunity arose, you jumped at the chance?

 

1. Boredom and/or insecurity

 

2. They always started when I started them, or allowed someone else to move in. Usually co-worker or fellow student things. People usually pick from the most convenient pools. Rarely did I just go and pick someone up, but it did happen from time to time. In almost every single case, I justified it by saying they were my 'friend' and usually say they were 'gay' or 'involved with someone' so that it wouldn't look like we were doing the deed. Opportunity: that is the starting point.

 

3. For WS: If you are bored, say so. If you are not attracted, say so. If you are feeling like you need something new, say so. It will hurt, but it will hurt far less than cheating on them will. At least if you are honest, you can salvage what you have and work on making it stronger.

 

For BS: If your spouse says these things to you, use it as an opportunity to open a dialogue about what the two of you can do to make things better. If you get angry and/or shut down then you will do nothing more than make the WS feel justified in wanting to cheat with someone else. The potential WS has faults too, so if you have problems with them you need to voice them.

 

For both: if the sex dies, an affair usually raises from the ashes. If the sex dies, the first thing to do is to take it to counseling and figure out why - HONESTLY why. 'Headache', 'tired' and all that does not cut it. If there is an attraction problem, it needs to be addressed. If there is a medical problem, it needs to be addressed. If you are lazy and simply don't see the need for sex, then you better learn to compromise.

 

4. Has there ever been a WS who didn't say that? Once they cheat, how they felt about cheating before is a moot point.

[Dexter Morgan]

For BS: If your spouse says these things to you, use it as an opportunity to open a dialogue about what the two of you can do to make things better.

 

you say "For BS", but if they are talking about it before they cheat, then they aren't a BS yet.

 

ok, that out of the way, if someone hasn't cheated, but comes to me with their concerns, you bet I am going to listen. I would most likely have my own list of issues to discuss with her as well.

 

But what I don't have an interest in is dialogue that would lead me down a path that basically states..."well, she cheated, therefore I must give in to this emotional extortion and do as she wants, otherwise she'll just do it again". Only dialogue I will be interested in in that point will lead down the path of me saying something like, "so, when are you coming back to pick up your belongings?"

 

 

 

If you get angry and/or shut down then you will do nothing more than make the WS feel justified in wanting to cheat with someone else.

 

if they have already cheated, then it wasn't shutting down and being angry that led them to it in the first place since it wasn't brought up before.

 

And if someone cheats, are you to lead us to believe that a cheating spouse should expect, and be entitled to a betrayed spouse that is NOT angry? Come one. The WS just dealt them one of the biggest blows ever....they WILL be angry, unless they are desperate lapdogs.

The WS SHOULD expect anger, at least at first. For a WS to cheat, then cheat again because they aren't getting the easy way to go is ridiculous.

 

If a WS cheats because the BS is angry about the first cheating, then the WS needs to be served divorce papers.

If they WS has ANY desire to work through the problems in the marriage, they will suffer throught the understandable anger of the BS for a while. They don't have to take anger for years, but at first, it should be understandable. You just f#cked them over in one of the biggest ways....you don't get to cheat, then expect some whipped pup to cowtow to you because you would cheat again if they don't let you off the hook easy.

[beesue]

wow dexter...well said! But I also agree with Lucrezia on the "talking things out before they happen" I wished my boyfriend would have discussed any issues before he cheated. But he didn't want to that was the problem...he was too selfish. Wanted his cake and eat it too. And I also wondered if the sex "dies", does that mean that he is cheating on me? Does it mean when he tells me he has a headache or he's too tired, when I'm right next to him ready to go and he fools around for a minute and then he doesn't budge? I do feel sex is incredibly important part of a relationship and I think it's peculiar when he withholds sex from me...on occasion. He gets angry when I tell him I don't fully trust him yet. What is that?

[parrotlover]

I cheated on my first husband with my now second husband.

 

I cheated because, quite frankly, he was a jerk. He was a 23 year old man that started dating a 16 year old girl (me). I got pregnant at 16, married him at 18. Divorced him after cheating at 21.

 

I cheated on him for months and he never tried to change his ways.

 

My now husband also cheated on his wife with me. We left our spouses to be together.

 

We are not without our issues though, but we've been together for 9 years now and are for the most part happily married.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Ouch, Dex. I should have put 'potential' in front of those BS and WS things. I was talking about things that can be done to stop an affair before it starts.

 

After the fact is an entirely different ballgame.

[WalkbyFaith]

I cheated on my first husband with my now second husband.

 

My now husband also cheated on his wife with me. We left our spouses to be together.

 

Sounds like a match made in Heaven.

[joyz]

What led you to it? How did it start? What advice would you give to others trying to strengthen their marriage? Did you ever claim you never had the desire to have an affair, yet when the opportunity arose, you jumped at the chance?

 

Just curious.

 

I'm not a cheater, but i guess some people don't thrive in stability, and they like to create some drama in their lives w.out thinking about the consequences.

[parrotlover]

Sounds like a match made in Heaven.

 

I'm sure it is. We've been together for a heck of a lot longer than either of us even knew our first spouses.

 

If you knew both our first spouses I doubt anyone would feel sarcastic towards what we did.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm sure it is. We've been together for a heck of a lot longer than either of us even knew our first spouses.

 

If you knew both our first spouses I doubt anyone would feel sarcastic towards what we did.

 

 

So in your case, two wrongs did make a right???

[parrotlover]

So in your case, two wrongs did make a right???

 

 

Yes, her drunkiness and his physical abuse brought us together.

 

 

I don't get drunk and harrass him and he doesn't hit me. We're happy together.

[WalkbyFaith]

I'm sure it is. We've been together for a heck of a lot longer than either of us even knew our first spouses.

 

If you knew both our first spouses I doubt anyone would feel sarcastic towards what we did.

 

Affairs are never the answer, sorry. I'm not judging you per say, but I know first hand the affects and A has on the LBS.

[MSUE]

I cheated on my EX H because I fell out of love...he was never home because of huis job...he was always really away from home like in Germany,Japan, Italy and the list goes on...I was lonely as I have no family here in USA...I needed to feel loved I needed someone to hold me every night...to touch me and to meet my sexual needes...my EX H sucked at it...and so I did...and here we are now...I eventually left him for my OM and we have now been together for 2 years and counting;)

[Dexter Morgan]

I cheated on my EX H because I fell out of love...he was never home because of huis job...he was always really away from home like in Germany,Japan, Italy and the list goes on...I was lonely as I have no family here in USA

 

well any man of yours in the future better be there all the time and not have a career.

 

hope your current man never has to go away on a business trip:o

[parrotlover]

Affairs are never the answer, sorry. I'm not judging you per say, but I know first hand the affects and A has on the LBS.

 

Actually you are.

[Spark1111]

Those of you who had affairs, did you communicate your unhappiness to your spouse before the affair?

 

Did you go to counseling to try to fix what was wrong, or not working in the marital relationship first?

[vox]

My partner didn't work for 3 years while I busted my ass to support us in one of the most expensive places to live in the USA. He gained well over 50-60 lbs and just expected that between that and the weight, I should still somehow have interest in being intimate.

 

I flirted with guys online off and on after a few months into the relationship, but I didn't finally break down until almost 3 years of him being out of work, almost losing my/our apartment 3 times due to eviction. I was doing everything and then coming home to a moody, sullen, aggressive, pigheaded dude who could do no wrong because his life was "so hard"

 

Now, there was one event due to the death of a sibling that hit him super hard, and I cannot in good conscience fault him for that weighing on him, but that happened two years after we got together and had already been out of work almost that long.

 

He moved across the country to be with me, so I felt/feel responsible for him so I couldn't break up with him and kick him out. He couldn't possibly afford the apartment because he makes 1/3 of what I make now that he's working.

 

I cheated because I wanted to remember what it felt like to be happy, and carefree. I wanted to be anyone but myself for just a little bit so I could just have some peace and contentment. Also at this time, my parents were losing their home and were pretty nasty oxycontin junkies who were constantly leaning on me to stay afloat. No one in my life was being an adult. I was the only one and it almost snapped me in half.

 

It was the wrong choice to cheat, but how much is one person supposed to take?

[KonfusedinCanada]

I do agree with Vox in the sense that sometimes things get so overwhelming and the affair becomes your escape from reality, and having to deal with all of the things going on in your "real" life. The fantasy, and the fun. I know that's what made me cross the line and enter my affair. Is that an excuse? Absolutely not. The stresses and issues of my reality were only part of the reason my affair started. The other reason, and probably the main one, was my own insecurity, and low self esteem. My AP wants me, loves me, etc., and that made me feel good about myself for that time. Yes, he wants me for sex, and probably only tells me he loves me so that he can keep me hooked so he can get the sex! Which when I look at it now makes me realize that all he's done is make me feel worse about myself rather than better.

[Mr Gone]

Those of you who had affairs, did you communicate your unhappiness to your spouse before the affair?

 

Did you go to counseling to try to fix what was wrong, or not working in the marital relationship first?

 

I begged my wife to go to counselling, I told her I was lonely and feeling neglected. I told her I could feel us drifting apart. We have disabled kids. That kinda took the fun out of life for awhile. I basically lost hope and began to shut down my emotions. I was sleepwalking through life.

 

A young lady from work began hanging around and we became friends. I was so ****ed and insecure that I had no idea she was into me like that. Naturally, I was flattered, but I told her I'm married. She said Ok, let's be friends. Like a moron, I agreed. She kept turning it sexual. I fought off her advances for almost a year, waiting for my wife to come back to me. I still kept her as a friend, like the idiot I am.

 

Anyway, the girl got fired for something else, but kept calling me, everyday at work. Coming on to me, hard. Never had anyone come onto me like that in my life, not even my wife. Life at home was horrible. My wife was depressed, so was (and still am) I. OW wouldn't take no for an answer. Something had to give. Unfortunately, it was me. We fooled around three times and I received oral sex from her twice. I called it off after that. I don't know why I couldn't before.

 

My wife finally came onto me before the last time I saw the other woman and we had sex. I was so guilty and nervous that I got my wife pregnant. Who the hell has an affair and ends up getting their wife pregnant? This guy, that's who.

 

I was tortured by guilt and depression. I had wanted a vasectomy after we found out about the second child with issues. I got one after she got pregnant the third time. We argued back and forth about an abortion, even going so far as to make and break two appointments. I came to the realization that it wasn't my child's fault that I screwed up, so I decided that we should keep the child. I'm very glad that we did because she is lovely and healthy(knock wood).

 

So what did I learn from all this? Cheating is wrong for one thing. Actually, I knew this already. I really learned that I'm only human and not infailable. This was the first and (I hope) last time that I stepped out of my marriage. It's also the first time I've cheated in my life. Coincidentaly, this all happened during our seventh year of marriage, but I doubt the seven year itch carries much weight here.

 

I haven't had any contact with the other woman in a long while and intend to keep it that way. She ruined my life. I don't excuse my actions, but I am working hard to make sure that there isn't a repeat.

 

I want to come clean to my wife about this, but she has had soooo many hard knocks in life. I can't lay this on her just to ease my burden, much as I'd like to. Maybe one day, but I want her to have happy memories with her little girl of when she was a baby. I don't want that replaced by the awefulness of what her piece of **** husband did because he was lonely.

[whatisgoingon]

Yes, her drunkiness and his physical abuse brought us together.

 

 

I don't get drunk and harrass him and he doesn't hit me. We're happy together.

Sounds like my XMM and his wife, he and I get along great he just cant bring himself to stop being her SAVIOR for some reason.

[samsungxoxo]

Never cheated on boyfriend but who knows, what if the opportunity would have presented. Not being in love and opportunity being there, well it would kinda make sense...

[justforfun]

I have no idea why you got sarcastic comments about your post.

 

You were a child when you met your ex. He was a predator. If it wasn't for him you would have been enjoying relationships and meeting people until, probably around 21, you may have found the person you wanted to spend your life with.

 

As it is, the predatory behavior of a grown man put you through a lot of upset and heartbreak. I'm shocked that no one responded to the fact that he was also physically abusive.

 

Hold your head up, which I'm sure you do.

 

After being prayed on by a man who was old enough to know better and frankly should have been arrested. You were beaten and abused. Through all that you found the strength to get out of the situation. You made a good choice in the man that you chose. And you have both been happy together for 9 years.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

I cheated on my first husband with my now second husband.

 

I cheated because, quite frankly, he was a jerk. He was a 23 year old man that started dating a 16 year old girl (me). I got pregnant at 16, married him at 18. Divorced him after cheating at 21.

 

I cheated on him for months and he never tried to change his ways.

 

My now husband also cheated on his wife with me. We left our spouses to be together.

 

We are not without our issues though, but we've been together for 9 years now and are for the most part happily married.

[justforfun]

Affairs are never the answer, sorry. I'm not judging you per say, but I know first hand the affects and A has on the LBS.

 

Except in the posters case clearly an affair WAS the answer. Who cares what her physically abusive ex feels. Lets be more concerned about what this pregnant 16,17,18 etc year old felt when she was tied to a man that beat her. We should be wishing her the best!!

[justforfun]

Sounds like a match made in Heaven.

 

Oh shut up!