delajoonal Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 well...i will try to make this short, cause i really want hear other LS'rs stories on this subject..new and vets please:) ok, so long story short (reminder): my had an online EA on FB for 3 weeks, nipped that in the bud and well, OW walked away and has not looked back..yea! too bad so sad.. anyway.. so my H left me anyway, almost 6 months now. he has acted like I was the one that ad the EA or worse.. for some reason he went from mr. rogers to Godzilla! really, so cruel, the things he has said to me, i.e shut up u stupid B***h, your'e an idiot...etc... now THIS coming from a man who only called me Sweetie and NEVER EVER yelled in 14 years.... so, after being on LS for several months, and reading diligently and really taking in what everyone has to offer..the advice is amazing. i tried the 32 steps way back when IT first happened...you know the 180.. well, i had no luck, i was in too much pain and confused to concentrate on anything let alone steps to follow daily... well, months have gone by now...i have found thru lisaUK a fabulous website about MLC (mid life crisis), i know i said this a million times, BUT that site changed my life for the better..it was as tho it was written for my H..amazing, i finally had some clarity on what MY and H's situation was/IS.... ok, so after reading about MLC for a few weeks, i began to just GET IT..and therefore when i had to communicate with my H, i was well, working the 180...at first i was pretty determined to just follow the steps and really work the 180... but here is the weird part...IT WORKED, and only after a few days too. the even weirder part, by this time, i wasn't even consciencesly working IT..it was just how i had become towards my H... so when the vets say, work the 180, no matter how hard it may seem or weird in the beginning...its true, pretty soon you are doing it just because IT has how you have become and actually feel and are in complete control when speaking or communicating wtih your stbx W/H...or whomever it refers to? now we had a few set backs, some legal problems and other stuff, that happens when you are still legally married...but i am back there.. working that 180 and wow...i am not really sure what to do with it.. its such a revalation, cause you hear about it, you read it from others that have done it, etc..but you think NO WAY, that can't happen to me... i am too__________ fill in the blank... but i am telling you..IT WORKS...now the thing is what do you do when it starts working?????....LOL.... cause it starts going so well with your stbx, that now, do you keep doing the 180 or...what...cause although it is easy to do now, natural if you will...there are times i still want to just break down and yell.. "I love you stupid!, come home, i miss you, i can't live without you!"....LOL anyway...if any of that made sense to anyone...please reply with your experience or whatever you are doing to make your 180 work for you and how far you are in, what to do when it is working so well, you are not sure which way to go now? ok..as always thanks a bunch guys!:love:
tojaz Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Hey Dela!! I didn't get a chance to do the 180 because she NC'd me! Yet from what I've read, I'd say if your seeing something positive, keep doing it. I believe the object is to change the way you relate to him permanently, not just a tool for reconciliation. The whole point is "if it aint workin, try something else" so obviously if it IS working, stay the course! Good luck TOJAZ
Gunny376 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 The ulitimate goal of the 180's is to regain control of oneself, one's self esteem, one's life. Its to achieve self actualization and awareness. To regain control of one's life and one's sanity To answer the question ~ and to satisfy it with "I want you because I love you ~ not because I need you because I love you!" (Whirl that one around in your head for a day or two? ) Its to answer the question of ~ "You know what? With or without you ~ I'm going to be OK! Its to acheive a hightened awarness of self in that you don't need someone else to validate you and your Life ~ that your self validated. That your a good person, with good morals and values ~ and even that certain parts of you as such are awesome and your working on the rest! A work in progress! You want to get to the point of self actualization, accpetance, awareness to where you can look anyone in the eye and tell them ~ "You know what? You can just kiss my @zz!" Because in the end? Once your parents are gone? We're all pretty much on our own!
Author delajoonal Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 yea! i love it..thanks Gunny..! its funny, at first i was 'trying' to work the 180, cause, well that was a step everyone said to do..AND the MLC site really had alot of advice on that as well.. but once i read the MLC site, and had more knowledge of what my H is all about right now..i had more confidence in myself, and realized IT was NOT me.. now i still hurt and am sad, etc...but, i got what he was doing and why...MLC. so when commincating, i was able to be calm, assertive, matter a factly but not a B***h..you know.. quick story: i was speaking with H on the phone a few nights ago, we were calm, etc.. but at one point in the beginning he said he was so ANGRY, etc...i never really asked what he was SO ANGRY at? but i found myself replying this: " i cannot fix your anger, YOU have to find peace and closure within yourself before YOU can truly move on with your life as well...." and yada yada.. he became very quiet and i had to ask at one point, are you there? it all came out so naturally and very honestly for me to say those words...it was weird...but after i said that, we talked about for about 30 minutes..this is the part, i was asking what to do with? we spoke like we did when we were married..or happy anyway..just talking..it was weird... AND i actually had to say, i am tired, i gotta go..and he still didn't want to hang up..LOL..so i had to say again, i really need to go...and he said ya he did too..etc..blah blah.. but my point...IT WORKS ...even tho i am not sure what the hell i am doing..LOL i am just going with what i understood from the MLC site and now i can commincate with H, cause NOW I KNOW what H is going thru... i still have questions, but in reality, they really have ALL been answered... p.s. i am NOT placing any stock in this situation...i want to with all my heart...BUT i know that IT just may not go anywhere..IT may just be over for good..BUT, at least i am able to speak to him now without crying and sobbing or Yelling...or begging for answers to questions he really does not have because of the MLC.. so ya, Gunny is right...you have to really really FEEL IT inside in order for IT to work..or at least be such a fabulous actor, that you stbx is responding..LOL
tojaz Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 so ya, Gunny is right...you have to really really FEEL IT inside in order for IT to work..or at least be such a fabulous actor, that you stbx is responding..LOL Go back to the MLC sight and read the part about FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT! It sounds like it's working at least a little, just keep working at it, and when it isn't. STOP!! TOJAZ
broken hearted Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Dela...how old is your husband? I wish I could attribute my husband's behavior and lack or morals and irresponsible behavior to a MLC!
Author delajoonal Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 he is going on 40...we got married when he was 25 years old... lisaUK turne me on to the MLC site, cause everything i had been posting was relating to MLC yet i had NO idea...but thank goodness for this board and lisaUK, as she was very familiar with the symptoms and the website that brought SO MUCH relief to my agony...dont' get me wrong, i still hurt, i still miss my H, i still LOVE him...but now i see things in a different light a different way..everthing is dif now.. now i get it! and know IT is not me..IT is all him..and i don't blame myself anymore.. ok, i am NO angel, i have made plenty of mistakes, BUT nothing to deserve what H has done to me....hense the relief from finding that website:) hope this helps a bit? here is the link...see if it applies to your situation? http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/
broken hearted Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 damn, I wish my husband was older so I could attribute his horrible behavior to something other than him being a complete A**HOLE!! He's only 28...
Author delajoonal Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 broken... could be so many things at that age 28? could be grass in greener syndrome... does he have a lot of single friends? how old were you both when you got married? children, etc.... my H begged to get married, i kept saying NO for a year..for many reasons.. one, i am 5 years older than H... i just didnt' want to be one of the statistics that say married at 25 or under, has a 90% chance of divorce...but the longer i was with H before we got married and the more knew is his familly, friends, background, childhood.i came to realize, H really was good H material and from a very young age, he always wanted to be married.. anyway...i guess MLC got a hold of him..early if you ask me...i thought if it would happen, it would be around 40 to 45 ...AND i NEVER thougth THIS is what MLC was.. LOL..omg! i thought he would get a new sports car or truck or even motorcycle, lose weight, which he really didn't need too, but i am going with the whole MLC i THOUGHT would happen, you know like in the movies..LOL... oh NO..nothing can prepare you for what this MLC is really about! anyway...after i learned all i could about what my H is going thru..i decided to take the advice of many LS members and other books, and MLC site.. and just concentrate on what my mistakes were...NOT to blame myself..BUT only to find a better understanding of ME..and how NOT to do any of that i did wrong ..again. so far...its all working..but it took me nearly 6 months of crying, never getting out of bed, etc... dont' get me wrong, i still cry, i still miss my H terribly..BUT, i am more now on the side of..ok.so if 180 works, and it is, and i really found a new respect for myself for facing my own mistakes, etc.... now, the question is...IF H comes back...do i WANT H back????? THIS IS what everyone has been talking about all this time..i never ever understood it...until i gained some knowledge about MLC and my own mistakes and short comings...and being OK with myself.. but like i said, i still get very confused, very sad, and well, i am no where near being over my H...BUT...i am so much better than i was even one week ago.. MOST thanks to LS and you, tojaz, lisaUK, Gunny, so many members that have been here .... i guess bottom line, do some soul searching, lots of reading, lots of being kind to yourself, FORGIVE yourself for you mistakes do NOT blame yourself for you H's behavior... most of....TIME...it all just takes time:)
tojaz Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 broken... could be so many things at that age 28? could be grass in greener syndrome... does he have a lot of single friends? how old were you both when you got married? children, etc.... my H begged to get married, i kept saying NO for a year..for many reasons.. one, i am 5 years older than H... i just didnt' want to be one of the statistics that say married at 25 or under, has a 90% chance of divorce...but the longer i was with H before we got married and the more knew is his familly, friends, background, childhood.i came to realize, H really was good H material and from a very young age, he always wanted to be married.. anyway...i guess MLC got a hold of him..early if you ask me...i thought if it would happen, it would be around 40 to 45 ...AND i NEVER thougth THIS is what MLC was.. LOL..omg! i thought he would get a new sports car or truck or even motorcycle, lose weight, which he really didn't need too, but i am going with the whole MLC i THOUGHT would happen, you know like in the movies..LOL... oh NO..nothing can prepare you for what this MLC is really about! anyway...after i learned all i could about what my H is going thru..i decided to take the advice of many LS members and other books, and MLC site.. and just concentrate on what my mistakes were...NOT to blame myself..BUT only to find a better understanding of ME..and how NOT to do any of that i did wrong ..again. so far...its all working..but it took me nearly 6 months of crying, never getting out of bed, etc... dont' get me wrong, i still cry, i still miss my H terribly..BUT, i am more now on the side of..ok.so if 180 works, and it is, and i really found a new respect for myself for facing my own mistakes, etc.... now, the question is...IF H comes back...do i WANT H back????? THIS IS what everyone has been talking about all this time..i never ever understood it...until i gained some knowledge about MLC and my own mistakes and short comings...and being OK with myself.. but like i said, i still get very confused, very sad, and well, i am no where near being over my H...BUT...i am so much better than i was even one week ago.. MOST thanks to LS and you, tojaz, lisaUK, Gunny, so many members that have been here .... i guess bottom line, do some soul searching, lots of reading, lots of being kind to yourself, FORGIVE yourself for you mistakes do NOT blame yourself for you H's behavior... most of....TIME...it all just takes time:) Great post Dela, sounds like you don't need me anymore. TOJAZ
insaneheart Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Wow! Thank for the link to MLC! My H even mentioned before he walked out on me that he thought he might be in MLC but I didn't even think to read up on it! I thought he was just purely being an a**hole!! I couldn't resist so I sent some of the articles to him. Hope he reads them. Sure will put some clarity on most of his actions!! But, at this stage he'll probably deny it.
Author delajoonal Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 tojaz... oh no...you are not getting away that easy my friend..LOL!! i maybe having a DAY of clarity...but like i said, dont' let that fool you..i still have my moments..YOU of all people should KNOW that... but ya, i have learned to be OK with my mistakes..and maybe one day, i can prove IT to my H...but until then, i have to just be OK with what i have now... well, today anyway..LOL...you know i will be texting some tears to you later this week:( dont' you dare leave me now..LOL __________________________________ insane..i am glad the website helped...i never can THANK lisaUK enough.. it truly helped me so much...but, i stll need LS and friends and therapy. its such a long process..like i said to tojaz, i maybe having a GOOD day.. but i can almost bet, i will have 3 cruddy ones this coming week...LOL anyway..good luck..so glad you to are getting what you need from this board... Lord knows i have
tojaz Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 tojaz... oh no...you are not getting away that easy my friend..LOL!! i maybe having a DAY of clarity...but like i said, dont' let that fool you..i still have my moments..YOU of all people should KNOW that... but ya, i have learned to be OK with my mistakes..and maybe one day, i can prove IT to my H...but until then, i have to just be OK with what i have now... well, today anyway..LOL...you know i will be texting some tears to you later this week:( dont' you dare leave me now..LOL __________________________________ I'm not going anywhere, you know where to find me. You do sound much better though, hang on to that. TOJAZ
insaneheart Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 H*ll, this paragrah alone was worth breaking NC with him. He put me through h*ll with this! But then again it does let him off the hook a little in some way but maybe I can also let go of some of the anger now. Still think he's a dumba** though! "MLCers cycle and may confuse themselves along with everyone else as they try to choose between their wife and the OW—often changing their minds over and over. The factors fueling the level of cycling vary with each individual situation. "
broken hearted Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Dela, my husband just turned 28, I am 27! We got married 5 years ago when we were both 22! We are high school sweethearts and have been together 11 yrs total, since I was 15 and he 16. We have a 2 year old son and I am due to give birth anyday with our second! He definitely has some single friends but I would say that he has just as many married friends (though I think he's lost the respect of a lot of them with what he's done to me and our child/baby on way). I just wish there was some sort of reason or issue that I could attribute my husband's cruel and irresponsible behavior to...other than him being a complete and total A**HOLE! I did wholeheartedly believe for a while that he needed some sort of help and had some sort of psychological issue going on bc of his DRASTIC change in character and behavior seemingly overnight, his extreme anger, drinking, and jeckyl and hyde ups and downs. This all seemed to change overnight just a mere weeks after we found out I was pregnant with our second child.
tojaz Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Dela, my husband just turned 28, I am 27! We got married 5 years ago when we were both 22! We are high school sweethearts and have been together 11 yrs total, since I was 15 and he 16. We have a 2 year old son and I am due to give birth anyday with our second! He definitely has some single friends but I would say that he has just as many married friends (though I think he's lost the respect of a lot of them with what he's done to me and our child/baby on way). I just wish there was some sort of reason or issue that I could attribute my husband's cruel and irresponsible behavior to...other than him being a complete and total A**HOLE! I did wholeheartedly believe for a while that he needed some sort of help and had some sort of psychological issue going on bc of his DRASTIC change in character and behavior seemingly overnight, his extreme anger, drinking, and jeckyl and hyde ups and downs. This all seemed to change overnight just a mere weeks after we found out I was pregnant with our second child. Maybe it was a response to becoming pregnant again, all the added responsibility? Me and the ex had been together for 13 years and married for two. Everything was perfect until i mentioned an interest in children. Then the monster came out and never looked back. Were close to the same age as you guys, 31. TOJAZ
broken hearted Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 A lot of people keep telling me that this behavior and an affair is more common than I would think when children and more responsibility are thrown into the mix. He did call me one night crying about a month ago after he found my first thread "so heart broken" that I had printed out and threw away. He read a few posts to me about him being scared of all the added responsibilities of another child, financially, physically, and emotionally. He said he couldn't deal with all of it and the stress so he ran to his parent's where he could have no responsibilities and revert back to the child with his mother taking care of him. It sort of made sense to me until I spoke to him a few days later and he told me, angrily, that he didn't think it was that but rather was just searching for an answer and reason for what he's done bc he doesn't know why he's done this.
tojaz Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 A lot of people keep telling me that this behavior and an affair is more common than I would think when children and more responsibility are thrown into the mix. He did call me one night crying about a month ago after he found my first thread "so heart broken" that I had printed out and threw away. He read a few posts to me about him being scared of all the added responsibilities of another child, financially, physically, and emotionally. He said he couldn't deal with all of it and the stress so he ran to his parent's where he could have no responsibilities and revert back to the child with his mother taking care of him. It sort of made sense to me until I spoke to him a few days later and he told me, angrily, that he didn't think it was that but rather was just searching for an answer and reason for what he's done bc he doesn't know why he's done this. I would stick with his first explanation. Sounds to me that he rethought his position afterwards and didn't want to appear to be running from responsibility. So he changed his story to put himself in a better light. Mine went from..."I wonder about dating other men" to "you are emotionally abusive and controllin, I have no choice" to "your not any of those things, we just grew apart" I'm sticking with the first explanation because it is the least self serving. TOJAZ
broken hearted Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Makes sense Tojaz! I have also heard many things over the last 6 months as to why he's left and as to why he had the affair and as to why we are on the brink of divorce. It all makes NO SENSE to me but does somehow to him!
tojaz Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Makes sense Tojaz! I have also heard many things over the last 6 months as to why he's left and as to why he had the affair and as to why we are on the brink of divorce. It all makes NO SENSE to me but does somehow to him! I think thats par for the course. we would talk for hours on end about IT! She would have an explanation and I would explain my side. Eventually she ran out of explanations and just said, you'll never understand! In fact, i bellieve this was just her not wanting to tell me the selfish truth. She didn't want to have the responsibilites of life and to consider others. She wanted things the way she wanted them, she wanted to date, and come and go in our marriage as she pleased Of course she couldn't just come out and say this and put herself in that perspective, so the stories came. Don't listen to his words, what do his actions tell you? Thats where your going to find the truth. TOJAZ
Recommended Posts