New Again Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 ...with my bf, his sister and her husband, and some other friends. After a few drinks I ended up talking to the husband about ex's. Unfortunately I don't recall how the subject came up, or most of what was said. (Hey, it was the end of the night!) Just remember that he feels the same way about ex's that I do (be friendly, but not friends); that his wife (bf's sister) is also friends with at least one (the most recent) ex. He also said some stuff about how crazy my bf's last ex is, and that I shouldn't trust her. Why did this have to be a drunk conversation?? I totally trust my bf, but now I'm kinda like huh? What did he mean by that, why did he say it, and why the hell didn't I ask him???!!! Oh yeah, I forgot to warn ya'll...this is another exgf thread
Soul Bear Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 If you trust him, your BF, it shouldn't bother you at all.
Author New Again Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 I absolutely don't think he's still interested in her. I think what bothers me is: - the ambiguity (seriously - what did he mean by that?? LOL) - this ex-gf is someone who kept cropping up the entire time he and I were dating (before being "officially" together) - I think that she is too big a part of my bf's life - because she MAKES herself one and he's too nice. We had a discussion about my comfort level and boundaries, so hopefully this changes, but it's still too soon after the convo to tell. - He broke up with her, and I know she was trying to get him back for several months, and he would still hang out with her, despite knowing that - and then be like "Oh we're so over each other." - He tells me about stuff that's going on in her life (it's pretty messy), which makes it clear that they talk, but I kinda wonder why he tells me. Is it cuz it's interesting (it really is, she's such a crazy disastrous trainwreck, way better than a soap opera)? Is it cuz he wants to be open and honest with me about his communication with her? But I think a lot of it is his "friendship" with his ex's is fine, but I have a bit of an issue with this particular one. It's not a dealbreaker for me as long as he doesn't cross any lines, which he knows what they are, but I tend to obsess about this a little.
CLC2008 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 OP, are you really okay with it? Truly and honestly? Because it sounds like you're not. Do not convince yourself that you are okay with it and/or that you should be, for the sake of your BF and your relationship with him. I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to not be comfortable with the fact that your bf still talks to his ex on a daily basis and openly discusses with you, things about her and her life. You and he are in a RL together, not you, him, and the ex...
Roxanna Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I wanna hear stories about the crazy ex. Sounds like good stuff. It sounds like maybe you're not really OK with it?
Author New Again Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 OP, are you really okay with it? Truly and honestly? Because it sounds like you're not. Do not convince yourself that you are okay with it and/or that you should be, for the sake of your BF and your relationship with him. I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to not be comfortable with the fact that your bf still talks to his ex on a daily basis and openly discusses with you, things about her and her life. You and he are in a RL together, not you, him, and the ex... Fair question. Maybe I'm not being honest with myself. I really don't know at this point. I don't think they talk every day, and I don't think they text or talk on the phone very much if at all. We spend a lot of time together, and he's not sneaky about his phone. He'll usually tell me who called/texted him and what it was about - I don't ask, he just tells. If they talk I believe it's briefly online. I think that one reason he (sometimes) tells me stuff about his ex is because I recently got pretty excited that she's moving to a new city far, far away...but now she might not be. I think he knows I'd be kind of irritated if somewhere down the line I find out that she didn't move because he tells me she's going to be out when we go or something. I don't think he talks to me about her because he's always thinking about her or something - he pretty much never mentioned her until he and I got a little more serious about our relationship. So I'm not sure why, unless it's maybe because there's so much entertaining drama in her life right now. Sigh. I'm so confused. Like, maybe I'm just being a huge b*tch about this.
Author New Again Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 I wanna hear stories about the crazy ex. Sounds like good stuff. I'm ashamed to say that it's such good stuff (and maybe I'm kind of an a$$ hole about things related to her) that sometimes I tell one of my friends the stuff my bf tells me about her.
Author New Again Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 My most recent ex (I'm not friends with him, but he wants to be, hence the following) called me when I was with my bf. I didn't answer, in fact my bf saw who was calling and made a comment about not answering. Ex left a voicemail, my bf asked me to listen to it. He said it kind of jokingly (same with the not answering comment), but the fact that he brought it up made it sort of awkward for me to NOT listen to it right then, since it's not really a big deal to me. I pretty much don't have contact with my ex - we very occasionally will briefly chat, but those instances are rare, and every once in awhile we'll see each other at parties or whatnot because of mutual friends. I listen to the voicemail, bf asks what it was about. I tell him ex was just saying hi and wondering if I was gonna be around town at all. I didn't call ex back (nothing to say to him, no reason to talk to him). So, a couple days later, ex texts me - apparently he was calling because he wanted to see me - he wanted to do something together. Just for the sake of full disclosure (and I'm probably just way too open and honest) I texted bf "oh ex was calling the other day cuz a bunch of our mutual friends are getting together and he wanted to invite me." (The friends are really ex's friends, but obviously I know them and keep in touch a bit, but they're not people I really hang out with ever - bf knows this. The friends in this case aren't the mutual friends I hang out with where I run into ex sometimes.) Bf replied "what'd you tell him?" Keeping in mind that this was not long after he just took HIS ex gf out to a nice dinner just the two of them, and also that there are very few circumstances I would ever meet up with this ex (and this was not one of them), I just texted my bf that "I wanted to run it by you and see what you though about it." He wouldn't come right out and SAY that he didn't want me to go, but he made it clear that he wouldn't be happy about it - despite the fact that this would be in a group of people, and not a romantic dinner for two. I don't understand this attitude at all - this double standard. In the sense that I don't WANT to go hang out with my ex's it doesn't really matter, but in the sense that I have an issue with his contact with his most recent ex, I don't understand HOW or WHY he thinks it's fine for him but not for me. And it really irritates me. K. Time to stop obsessing. Just needed to get that off my chest
boldjack Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 NA, I see, if not red flags, at least yellow ones. Your BF is way too involved with his ex(even if it's not romantically) for it to be good for Your relationship. Taking Ex's out for dinners, maintaining close contact, can only lead to stress, for both of you. I would sit down for a conference on acceptable activities with ex's before it becomes more of a problem. The Husband may have been just trying to start some sh*t, and there is nothing to what he says. But keep your eyes open.
Author New Again Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 NA, I see, if not red flags, at least yellow ones. Your BF is way too involved with his ex(even if it's not romantically) for it to be good for Your relationship. Taking Ex's out for dinners, maintaining close contact, can only lead to stress, for both of you. I would sit down for a conference on acceptable activities with ex's before it becomes more of a problem. The Husband may have been just trying to start some sh*t, and there is nothing to what he says. But keep your eyes open. Thanks He insists that they're just friends, and he supposedly doesn't even like that I refer to her as his ex, since he doesn't even think of her that way anymore. We did have a chat, so hopefully his actions reflect what we talked about, but it's too soon to tell. I think one reason this is still bothering me so much, is I wish I'd handled the situation differently from the beginning, but at every turn I didn't do and say the things I know NOW should've been done and said, and now I feel a little out of control, and I'm feeling a little retroactive anger. I had one opportunity to meet her, but I didn't take it and now I'm kicking myself for it. Everyone (mutual friends) who know the ex gf kept telling me what a jealous crazy psycho she is, so I didn't want to put myself in an awkward position. Now I would give anything to see how they interact. I've had friends tell me on two separate occasions that she was at a party/bar where my bf was (and I wasn't for one reason or another), and that they didn't really talk to each other very much, if at all. Which makes me think some of the stuff I'm upset about (dinner and the favor she did him) are really just him being waaaaay too nice - I do see how he could be taken advantage of in some cases. (And around and around we go - it's good for me to get this all out though)
boldjack Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 NA, I really hope things work out. When I got married (second time) I had any number of ex GF's. I told my wife about any she needed/wanted to know about and I've also kept contact to the bare minimum, for politeness. It has worked well for me.
Author New Again Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 NA, I really hope things work out. When I got married (second time) I had any number of ex GF's. I told my wife about any she needed/wanted to know about and I've also kept contact to the bare minimum, for politeness. It has worked well for me. I think that's about where my bf and I are at right now. I really think I'm just being incredibly crazy about this. Like, I wasn't happy with the situation, we talked about, I think it's changed (no reason to think otherwise right now) - but I'm literally fighting the urge to google the ex and see what I can dig up on her! I'm wishing I had access to her FB page!! I am so ashamed of myself. Thanks for your support
AlektraClementine Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I think that's about where my bf and I are at right now. I really think I'm just being incredibly crazy about this. Like, I wasn't happy with the situation, we talked about, I think it's changed (no reason to think otherwise right now) - but I'm literally fighting the urge to google the ex and see what I can dig up on her! I'm wishing I had access to her FB page!! I am so ashamed of myself. Thanks for your support Wow. Feels like I'm reading my own story. Fiance's ex is a total basket case. She called and called (mostly when drunk) and texted. Same situation. He broke up with her. She wanted him back. He's too nice to tell her to bugger off. The reason you're feeling off about this is because although she's displayed tremendous disrespect to you and your relationship, he still has the time of day for her. he's sparing her feelings at the expense of yours. Don't be ashamed about digging around on her. You're just trying to understand the appeal. I deactivated my fb account (you can sign on later when you're ready). I did this to remove the urge to even look at her. Finally told BF that I needed for him to tell her to get lost. Friends, I can handle. Tacky, disrespectful, exes, I cannot.
Author New Again Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Wow. Feels like I'm reading my own story. Fiance's ex is a total basket case. She called and called (mostly when drunk) and texted. Same situation. He broke up with her. She wanted him back. He's too nice to tell her to bugger off. The reason you're feeling off about this is because although she's displayed tremendous disrespect to you and your relationship, he still has the time of day for her. he's sparing her feelings at the expense of yours. Don't be ashamed about digging around on her. You're just trying to understand the appeal. I deactivated my fb account (you can sign on later when you're ready). I did this to remove the urge to even look at her. Finally told BF that I needed for him to tell her to get lost. Friends, I can handle. Tacky, disrespectful, exes, I cannot. Can I PM you? There's something I would love your take/advice on, since you've been through something similar, but don't wanna post the details on here.
stace79 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Geezus. If I ever have a daughter, the number one rule I'm going to pound into her brain is to not ever get involved with a guy who is "friends" with his exes, particularly the one most recent to her! I've been through this, too, and I'll repeat what I told another poster with a similar problem. My now-fiance has admitted that he stayed friends with his ex to leave a door open in case things didn't work out with me, and he was definitely not giving himself to me fully. He had one foot out the door, in essence. Additionally, she was only pushing the issue because she didn't want to be with him, but she didn't want anyone else to have him. Her words, verbatim, from an e-mail she sent him a year ago. Anyway, I finally broke up with him over the whole "friendship" and it didn't take long for him to call off the friendship. He's even ignored all her attempts since -- she texted twice, and she added his sister on FB to try and spy. No dice. Ugh, if I'm single again, ever, I will NEVER date another guy who is "friends" with an ex. Never. Ever.
Author New Again Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Geezus. If I ever have a daughter, the number one rule I'm going to pound into her brain is to not ever get involved with a guy who is "friends" with his exes, particularly the one most recent to her! I've been through this, too, and I'll repeat what I told another poster with a similar problem. My now-fiance has admitted that he stayed friends with his ex to leave a door open in case things didn't work out with me, and he was definitely not giving himself to me fully. He had one foot out the door, in essence. Additionally, she was only pushing the issue because she didn't want to be with him, but she didn't want anyone else to have him. Her words, verbatim, from an e-mail she sent him a year ago. Anyway, I finally broke up with him over the whole "friendship" and it didn't take long for him to call off the friendship. He's even ignored all her attempts since -- she texted twice, and she added his sister on FB to try and spy. No dice. Ugh, if I'm single again, ever, I will NEVER date another guy who is "friends" with an ex. Never. Ever. Ditto on this. It's just asking for drama. In hindsight I can see so many places where I went wrong, should've handled things differently and so on. This is my first own experience dating a guy who's friends with an ex, outside of high school, when it seemed to matter a lot less.
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