Danielle46 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I'm in a bit of a situation and I just need a little feedback from all of the guys out there. (Women are welcome to respond as well but I kind of need to see where the male perspective is on this...) I posted a thread a few days ago about my current break up from my boyfriend of over 5 years. It's titled "What are your thoughts???" if you are interested in reading the full story. Basically though, we broke up because he feels like he is going through some strange phase in his life and needs a little time to just be independent...yet he says that he loves me with all of his heart and that he sees his future being with me. He texted me about 3 days after we broke up and told me that he wanted to say that he really loves me a lot and misses me like crazy. The question I have is this: If you really truly love a woman, and you have realized that you made a huge mistake and cannot risk the loss of her forever, would you do anything and everything in your power to try to win her back??? I never responded to his text that night. I didn't think that would be the move to make. I feel like he is looking for reassurance and a safety net, but I can't allow this to become a pattern in our relationship. I don't know, now that it's been a couple days since he sent the text, if I should respond with a simple "love you too" or just let it go and see if he attempts to contact me again in the next few days. I just feel like if Im really worth it to him that he'll fight for me, so please give me some insight. I just need a little male feedback concerning my question. I appreciate it.
Thaddeus Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 IIf you really truly love a woman, and you have realized that you made a huge mistake and cannot risk the loss of her forever, would you do anything and everything in your power to try to win her back???Yes. And no. Yes, in the sense that a man will likely do what he can short of going against his true inner nature. No, if he perceives (rightly or wrongly) that you're going to make the guy jump through invisible and ill-defined hoops. He'll get the picture and figure that he's being played or is being sucked into some sort of infantile 'chase-me' game. I'm not suggesting that you're actually doing that, but that's how he may perceive it.
Author Danielle46 Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 The thing is that this isn't the first time he has had feelings like this and needed to take time to himself to figure it all out...so I feel like if I cave in and allow him to have the ball in his court, then Im fighting a losing battle. I've given him a chance before and here I am yet again hurt and alone. I can't keep allowing this to happen, he has to realize that I have to protect myself. I cannot allow this to become a pattern in our relationship. I just feel like if he really thinks that I'm worth it and that he's made a huge mistake then he will make every effort to show me that. I am not someone who would keep a "game" going just to satisfy myself. I want him back....I want to be happy with him like we were for over 5 years...but I cant just cave in and allow him to think that he can do this to me and that I'll come running back when he feels good and ready.
Thaddeus Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I just feel like if he really thinks that I'm worth it and that he's made a huge mistake then he will make every effort to show me that. I am not someone who would keep a "game" going just to satisfy myself. I want him back....I want to be happy with him like we were for over 5 years...but I cant just cave in and allow him to think that he can do this to me and that I'll come running back when he feels good and ready.I understand what you're saying and I really do get your intent: that it's not about playing a game or anything. All I'm suggesting is that he might perceive it as some sort of 'chase-me' thing going on. Look, here's the thing - if he's got 'issues' in his life that he needs to work on, those are his issues, not yours. They could be very real and very difficult, but fact is that he's got to manage them himself. From the sounds of it, you've been pretty clear to him that you don't like him withdrawing like that. Talk to him. Tell him what you need and expect. And do it in person or, at the very least, on the phone. Don't use text, it's too impersonal. He may or may not agree to meet you half-way. But at least you'll know you tried.
westrock Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 The question I have is this: If you really truly love a woman, and you have realized that you made a huge mistake and cannot risk the loss of her forever, would you do anything and everything in your power to try to win her back??? I read your story on your other thread. You are showing remarkable strength and maturity. You are doing the right thing so far. As to your question above, similar to what Thaddeus wrote, I would say yes and no also. Yes, in that he'll do whatever he thinks is sufficient such as sending you that text. No in the sense that sometimes people become confused and are not sure what exactly they should do so the decide to do nothing or a minimum amount out of fear of messing things up until they get some feedback. When he reaches the stage where he realizes he "cannot risk the loss of her forever" then he will do whatever it takes. However, I don't think from your other post that he has reached that stage. That's the key. As long as he thinks he can do his independent stuff and that you will still be there waiting for him, he will think he doesn't have to do anything other than send you the odd text. Not good enough on his part. He needs to realize that his actions have consequences. If he wants to leave you, then he has to realize he runs the risk of losing you. Let him figure out this internal conflict for a while. Either he wants you in his life or he doesn't. He can't have it both ways. Only he can figure that out and he needs to get a taste as to what it's like without you there responding back to his "i love you" texts. Let him be for a week or so, but if he continues on with his texts or trying to contact you, then ask to sit down with him and have a conversation. Either he's with you or he's not, it's his choice, but there are consequences to what he chooses because you are not going to wait around. Once he's faced with having to make that decision, he'll figure out what is more important to him.
boogieboy Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 If I truly loved a woman, I wouldnt need a break from her to solve my own issues. I dont think he has issues, I think he got bored of you, and needed to be away from you. but he is keeping you on the side just in case he starts to actually miss you (by saying all the things you want to hear).
Exit Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I can only speak for myself, yes, I love my ex to death and I realize I messed up, and 4 months of pursuing her hasn't been enough to break my spirit yet. Of course I would do anything and everything, it's not too often you find someone you want to marry. Thaddeus offered good advice too. Make sure you at least have clearly defined what it is you want. Don't sit around expecting him to know which hoops to jump through. He needs to know what you want, and then you find out if he's willing to give it to you.
carnegie Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 The question I have is this: If you really truly love a woman, and you have realized that you made a huge mistake and cannot risk the loss of her forever, would you do anything and everything in your power to try to win her back??? It depends on you. Dont play game! If you truly love him, and plan get back together, tell him your feelings! I'll do everything to try to win my true love back! But if he see that site, i guarantee he'll do NC to give you time and space, as i do to give my ex time and space. And both of you wait 4 each other...it's not good! So tell him your feelings! just my thought!
Author Danielle46 Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 The last time we went through this, I told him that he needs to learn how to communicate better with me. I told him he doesn't need to feel like he can't tell me something. I even said that I would be more than willing to help him work through whatever issues he has. He knows how much I love and adore him...I have told him that he is someone that I would want to spend my life with. But I also explained to him that he can't expect me to put up with this. I already told him once that if he did this to me again that he would lose me forever and here we are. I feel like we rushed back into getting together last time we were going through this because of his college graduation. It was an event in his life that I wanted so much to be a part of, because I had been there for his whole college experience. He also told me that if there was one person he wanted there that it was me. He never resolved anything during the time we spent apart, which was only a week and a half. I havent spoken to him since Tuesday. I wish I could just telll him that I love him and want him back but I just can't. I can't keep running back, putting my heart on the line, and chancing being hurt. He does need to see what life is like without me, and I know he realizes that he is in fact risking losing me by doing this. That scares him. This wasn't easy for him...he was very upset...crying...holding me...saying he doesn't know what to do. I made the ultimate decision of breaking up because I couldn't see this working until he figured his sh*t out. On top of being hurt, Im also angry. Im angry that I am going through this again when I thought everything was worked out. I truly appreciate your advice!
Author Danielle46 Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Okay so in case you haven't read my other post, I have an update. I listened to what you all said (more or less) and decided that it was time to respond to his text. I know how very much he loves me, it's hard to describe that and it's hurtful when people tell me its BS, I am convinced it's not....I suppose some are just so bitter. Anyway, I just texted back "Love you too"...this elicited a whole response from him..even a phone call. We talked for about 25 minutes and just touched down on some of the things that I needed too. I told him what I expect and that it isn't my responsibility to contact him...HE requested space, not I. He told me he understood and that he would make the effort to mend what he's broken. I appreciated my conversation with him because he appologized many many times and kept telling me how much he loves and misses me. I told him that I love and miss him as well but that I have to be cautious of being hurt again. He said he understands. I made it clear that I dont want this relationship to be over and that I love him with all of my heart...but that I need him to learn how to better communicate and deal with his emotions and feelings. I think he is making progress. I know, for some men, it can be very difficult and challenging to try to confront your emotions without shutting people out...it's possible too that he never really learned HOW to deal with such emotions. I really feel better since having this conversation with him. I am still not going to cave in and just get back together because we talked this once. He still needs to earn my complete trust back so that I can go back into this feeling confident that things will be okay this time. I want nothing more than to be with him and to be happy...and I am more than positive that he wants that too...TIME is just something that I need to provide for the sake of me and him right now. We'll see how the rest of this week plays out...Maybe there will be some large improvements?... Thanks again for all of your help...Hopefully I made the right decision...
Exit Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 I'm happy for you. Just guard your heart and watch out in case he pulls a 180 and tells you he decides he doesn't want it anymore. You wouldn't be the first person who sees a ray of hope and then gets blindsided by another swerve. Just be careful. I hope it works out for you.
kizik Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 The question I have is this: If you really truly love a woman, and you have realized that you made a huge mistake and cannot risk the loss of her forever, would you do anything and everything in your power to try to win her back??? Yes. And unfortunately, he is being a little girl and a whiner and if he wants space, you should let him have it. No one who is happy with their GF or BF is ever going to ask for space or independence or any of that stuff. Because when we love someone, we stay with them. If we somehow lose them, we fight for them. But - and this is important - we also let them go when they want want to go. So if he wants to take a break, tell him it's permanent. I don't think there should be any kind of going back on something like this. Meaning: you shouldn't let him back into your life after his "break," nor should he ask. It does sound like the two of you have kind of run your course together. These are things you should really consider. Edit - whoops, this is what happens when you don't read the whole thread. I stand by my little statements here, though.
Beeotch Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Your ex is not every man.... There are lots of things I would do that perhaps other women would not. So please bare in mind that no one can truly say why your ex is doing/saying what he is doing and saying...since they are not him and what they would/would not do is simply what THEY would/would not do. Knowing him for yourself...you have to gauge his reactions and actions and how you feel about them and how they match up to what you know about im etc.You have to take risks...both people have to. I think I learned that. I think you should respond...if he is playing games...so be it. Atleast you will know for SURE once you reply what is going on versus speculating and asking strangers....in the event that he is being honest, you would have more to lose by not following up versus following up. You can protect yourself and still observe and see what is going on...
Beeotch Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Okay so in case you haven't read my other post, I have an update. I listened to what you all said (more or less) and decided that it was time to respond to his text. I know how very much he loves me, it's hard to describe that and it's hurtful when people tell me its BS, I am convinced it's not....I suppose some are just so bitter. Anyway, I just texted back "Love you too"...this elicited a whole response from him..even a phone call. We talked for about 25 minutes and just touched down on some of the things that I needed too. I told him what I expect and that it isn't my responsibility to contact him...HE requested space, not I. He told me he understood and that he would make the effort to mend what he's broken. I appreciated my conversation with him because he appologized many many times and kept telling me how much he loves and misses me. I told him that I love and miss him as well but that I have to be cautious of being hurt again. He said he understands. I made it clear that I dont want this relationship to be over and that I love him with all of my heart...but that I need him to learn how to better communicate and deal with his emotions and feelings. I think he is making progress. I know, for some men, it can be very difficult and challenging to try to confront your emotions without shutting people out...it's possible too that he never really learned HOW to deal with such emotions. I really feel better since having this conversation with him. I am still not going to cave in and just get back together because we talked this once. He still needs to earn my complete trust back so that I can go back into this feeling confident that things will be okay this time. I want nothing more than to be with him and to be happy...and I am more than positive that he wants that too...TIME is just something that I need to provide for the sake of me and him right now. We'll see how the rest of this week plays out...Maybe there will be some large improvements?... Thanks again for all of your help...Hopefully I made the right decision... Great...you did pretty much what I would have advised.
steelfist9 Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Yes, to your question, however, if you are going through a tough time in your life and are trying to do things right and the person in your life isn't there for you it can turn you off tremedously. He may be thinking "she only wants me for her and isn't willing to stand by me while I'm trying to improve my life for me" You should show him all the support in the world. It shouldn't be about ego.
vivrantflo Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Just guard your heart and watch out in case he pulls a 180 and tells you he decides he doesn't want it anymore. You wouldn't be the first person who sees a ray of hope and then gets blindsided by another swerve. I agree with this 100% I have never witnessed a relationship, in which one person requests "time to themselves" or "wants a break" and the relationship ends up working out. There really is not a reason to take a "break" from someone you love. I will always stand by my belief of a break, being the prelude to a break up. I may be wrong, but this kinda sounds like he may want out of the relationship, but loves you to the point where he doesn't want to devastate you. Beeotch is correct in saying that you know this man far better than anyone here. But in my experience, whenever I hear "break", "time apart", "needing time and space", figuring "things" out, "I need to be independant", and the infamous "I need to work on myself" it spells impending doom.
Author Danielle46 Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 Thanks for the replies. I know this man, VERY well. I told him to be extremely upfront with me...and if this was something he didn't want anymore, to simply let me know so that I can begin to cope. I told him that if his goal is to see what else is out there, to tell me. Now I KNOW some of you are going to say this is BS, but he assured me that he doesn't want to be with anyone else, that he loves me and wants to be with me, that he couldn't love someone else the way that he loves me. Now I also know he is stating this without really having the experience to back it, but I still believe that your "first love" is a special kind of love regardless. He called me again last night, around 10:30 or so...something I definitely was NOT expecting. I thought for sure it would be at least a couple days before I would hear from him again. We chatted for a few minutes and then he said he was going to go shower (just got back from the gym- he's into working out :-)] and asked if I wanted him to call me before he went to sleep?...I told him that it was his decision and he could do whatever he wanted (not b/c I am trying to put this into his power but b/c if he wants me back he has to make the effort to do so, I am not going to be the one calling him to say goodnight) <I hope Im clear in explaning that?>...if I am still awake, I'll answer, if not, you'll know I fell asleep. Soo, basically, I carried about my night, watched some TV with my mom and then around 11:45 my phone rang again and it was him. We only spoke for a few minutes, just normal conversation and he told me "i love you a lot"...now normally, when we speak nightly (while dating) he says "i love you..." So although, it may not seem like a big deal, I think that he's really trying to make a point here...whatever. I responded "Love you too." He also said "Talk to you tomorrow"...so that's where I'm at right now. We'll see what happens... I'm not holding my breath...and my guard is still up, he knows this. He knows that I HAVE to be cautious and take baby steps with everything b/c I fear being hurt again. He is deeply sorry, I know, I can tell when I speak with him. But regardless, for my own sake, I cannot dive into every word...I need actions from him, proof that he is for real. In the end, I think that everyone on here enjoys advice from other people, but does take it with a grain of salt (or at least they should). No one is really fit to give "solid" advice, as they do NOT know your entire situation. They dont even know YOU, or your beloved other. We speak from personal experience, some of which are negative and some positive. You shouldn't take all of one and none of another. Yes, some relationships do end and that's it (that's reality, life) but some don't. There ARE cases of people just taking some "time out" and then everything improving significantly from that. We cannot be naive and think that this "positive outcome" happens every time, but we also cannot disregard that there are exceptions to every rule. Emotions are complicated but beautiful. We can learn so much from them and from each other. I think it's good to have a place to share your stories where real live people can voice their advice, opinion, or just provide a virtual shoulder for one to lean on. =)
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