mickleb Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Hi everyone. It's been three weeks. I've done everything I am supposed to do: no contact after exchanging stuff, have been grieving the loss, called the people I'm closest to (and The Samaritans twice) for help, carried on with my life, have been getting out and about, visited family, gone out with friends, read books to help me cope and learn, posted on here. You know the drill. Still, I had one of those nights last night and don't feel much better today. Crying my heart out. Uncontrollable. Bereft. Someone posted a few weeks ago that they didn't recognise themselves in the mirror. That's me today. I MISS HIM. So much. He didn't even do anything wrong, as such. He needs to sort his financial situation out. Said he was 'ashamed' and needed to do this by himself. I think it's going to take him a long time. I'm aware I will have probably moved on. Trouble is, now. He was my best friend and I love him. The man I wish I could spend my life with. The man who made me laugh harder than anyone else could. The man who held me close and made me feel better. The man who loved me like I had never been loved before. I just can't stop crying.
greenparrot Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Yeah, weekends and nights seem to be the toughest test. But I'm sure you feel better than before. At least I know that I'm still messed up, but everyday that I cry and don't contact her it gets better. So keep crying, that helps. I'm sure we will find better, someone who sticks by us like we do. Someone who trully loves us. Hang in there. It will get better
Exit Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Yeah I had a bad night too. I went to bed thinking about her and woke up thinking about her. Woke up feeling like there's ten pounds of weight hanging off my heart, feeling this sense of urgency like I need to write to her, I'm even feeling crazy enough right now to think I would go see her after work but I know I shouldn't.
Danielle46 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I could cry just reading your post b/c I feel as if Im in the same boat with you. What is with some men and their inability to work through something WITH you??? It's like they feel the need to be alone in order to resolve their issues. You are doing the right thing though by keeping yourself busy and trying to cope as best you can. I know what it's like to have those nights where you just get uncontrollably emotional. I feel like that about 80% of the time right now. I am trying to be strong and allow my anger to take over but at the same time I miss him soo incredibly much. I too want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I feel your pain. I know that our situations are different and I can't say that I "know what you're going through" cause in reality, I don't... no one does. But I do know what it feels like to have to let go of the one you love to allow them to work through their issues. Here's the matter at hand though: he wont be content in your relationship until he either works through his issues or realizes that he can work through them while being with you. This weekend has been very hard for me because my best (girl) friend went out of town so Im also lacking the support from her. It doesnt make it easier when they contact you either. My (ex) boyfriend [i hate saying that] contacted me a couple days ago via text...told me that he really loves me a lot and misses me like crazy...but I had to be strong and just refrain from replying, at least for now. I need him to feel what I have been feeling and know that I cannot cave into his every whim. You have to be strong for you...it's okay to cry...it's good to cry and release those emotions. It's good to get mad and even yell if you have too...that's all healthy reactions to being hurt and in pain. Don't bottle up your emotions, let them out. You'll only feel worse if you don't. I envy your strength to go NC for 3 weeks...I know how difficult it can be to not be able to talk to him. You wonder what he's doing, where he's going, if he's thinking of you, missing you...believe me, I know. But I can probably assure you that he's sitting there wondering the same thing about you. Neither one wants to cave...but everything will work out how it's intended. Whatever direction this takes, you will, in due time, realize the benefit of this whole experience. If you get back together, you will be stronger in your relationship and for him. If you don't get back together then you will be a stronger you for yourself and for your future relationships. Strength is key here. Best of Luck
Author mickleb Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Thank you, everyone. I have to admit, overall, I'm quite impressed with myself, too. I went out with some friends on Friday and stayed over at my mates. I think today was probably a kind-of 'fun hangover'. I had a good time, then came home to remember he still wasn't here. I think I've figured out why it happened, anyway. Nice Guy Syndrome isn't big over here (in the UK) but it fits him very well. I think he's been struggling to 'do the right thing' but not actually faced up to underlying issues he's got. I've ordered a copy of the book and, if I think it will help, once I've read it, might order a copy to be delivered to him. I've also been reading up on the differences between men and women, and how we communicate. It's amazing! I feel like a bit of an idiot for not being aware of how easily we manage to wind each other up. I'd suggest everyone here does a bit of research in that area, if they haven't done so already. Really - astounding! Danielle - whether the Nice Guy book helps me, or I send it to him, or I just accept he was here but now he is gone. Whatever. Everything you said, I agree with. Thank you so much - you helped me get out of the door to walk my dog today. x You're right: it is all about strength. I know that if he isn't my guy that I'll be stronger in the next relationship for having gone through this. I chose to take a break from relationships to work on myself before I met my ex. I was single for FIVE YEARS! I made loads of amazing changes to my life and thought I must've hit the jackpot when he came along but, can see now, he wasn't in the same place as me. He hasn't got the good foundations to fall back on. I know he would prefer me to try to forget him and get on with my life. I guess I can get on by myself but I can't forget him. He's just too special. Just wish he could see himself as I see him. I'm sure I'll post again when I have another bad time but just knowing I can, and that people here will understand and say kind words, helps so much. Thanks again. x
DSM2709 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Hang in there kiddo, I am suffering from being the "nice guy" myself. My ex left me because I was too nice and didn't have a backbone, she took advantage of me for that. Weekends are tough for me too. I can't get her out of my head. I think about what she's doing and who's she's with every second of the day. IT SUCKS!!! I'm trying my best to not think about her, but each day that passes I hope things will get better. It's been 2 weeks since I've actually seen her, we'll see how this week goes. Best of luck to you.
Danielle46 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I am glad to hear that my words helped you. I never thought I would post in a public forum my issues...I always figured that no one would want to read my sap story and help...but Ive learned, as you have, that there are some people who are just good by nature and willing to help a stranger battle through a rough time. Things will always improve. No matter what. I know that's a dark tunnel to see down right now but eventually happiness will find it's way to you again. You are doing the best you can at the given moment, and every day you will find new strength within yourself to do a little more. If this is meant to be, then it will. I am a firm believer in the saying that "everything happens for a reason"...some say that's high school cr*p, but really it's the truth. There is some rhyme or reason behind everything that happens in your life, it's what makes you who you are. Again, best of luck with everything. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to get mad. And please, don't be afraid to love again. You seem like an intelligent person who knows what they want...run with that. I have enjoyed sharing out experiences. Take Care :-)
Danielle46 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 DSM- On a side note to you: First I am so sorry for your pain. I know that it is incredibly difficult to endure something like this. I know you are trying your best to "forget" her for the moment, so let's do so and concentrate on you... This is a perfect time for you to work on yourself. Focus on yourself. What are your needs? wants? desires? What do you want from a relationship? What kind of person do you need in your life? What do you desire for your future with someone else? This time is about finding YOU and discovering what kind of person you are. Surround yourself with people who love you.. friends, family, co workers, etc. Go out and have a good time. Focus on obtaining some happiness, even if it's just for a little. You will have your moments when the world seems bleak...no doubt, I can't lie like that wont happen...but it's okay. It's natural to feel pain and react to it. I dont think there is such thing as being "too nice"...I think there is such thing in putting "too much" of your nice forward. People always appreciate a kind person, someone willing to do for them and with them. But at the same time, people don't know how to react to someone who is super nice. You do have a backbone, you just need to find it, and I think you will with this experience. You will decide what you will and won't tolerate in a relationship. You will decide what kind of person you really want to be with. You will evaluate your entire relationship, partner as well as your own being and you will see that you do in fact have an opinion.. If she does come back to you, you will then have a leg to stand on. A "backbone" to support you when you talk to her (should you chose to do so). I think you know what you want, you just have to find it inside of you. By the way, Im sure she's wondering what you're doing and who you're with as well... =)
DSM2709 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Thanks Danielle, I appreciate the inspiration. I'm not so sure she wondering how I'm doing or who I'm with. She has told me she met someone, so she leapfrogged into a new relationship with someone she was looking for in her life. I'm not sure how long it will last. We'll see. Yes, I am keeping busy as best I can. Sometimes my thoughts get the best of me. Thanks again.
Danielle46 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Well, I don't know your situation, but if you two had something really great then at some point she is going to slow down and evaluate everything. Im sure that although she is with someone else, she still thinks of you..but again, I cant be sure. Maybe she is with someone else b/c she thinks it will help her cope with not being with you? Or maybe Im completely off key here.. Either way, stay strong! You cant avoid feeling down and out at times, and that's okay. My emotions get the best of me too, but I do have my moments where I'm really okay. Everything will work out as it's intended too. Best of Luck in all of your endeavors =))
Author mickleb Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 DSM - thank you. x I read over some of your old posts. Your ex makes me angry for the way she treated you! I have been posting a bit on the www.nomoremrniceguy.com forums. I think you could benefit from that - lots of guys going through what you are now. I've ordered the book, so will let you know what I think. Maybe you could get hold of a copy? Danielle - wanted to let you know I feel much calmer today. I usually have a few tears each day but Sat night / Sunday day I had more than usual. I do feel better for having got through it, though, and let stuff out. It's a sort of painful thing to admit (my mum says I don't want to let go of him but that I've got to) but this morning, when I woke up, I felt like he was further away. I am beginning to see him more clearly as the damaged individual he is, and less as the 'perfect man' my heart attached to. I think it is SO HARD for us! (Of course, I know it's awful for EVERYONE here) but to have to let someone you love go BECAUSE they are suffering! What a nightmare! Letting go, whilst they are struggling so hard, seems like a betrayal. But it's what they have requested so, out of love, we have to do it. It's a rough journey. You are right, though, that we all need to make the most of this 'me time'. I can do whatever I want at the moment. (I'm a teacher and in the middle of the school holidays - both 'yay!' and 'thank god for that!') I am really enjoying having the time to read and learn about me! I'm usually so busy reading for my job that I haven't got the energy for any personal reading. The five years I took to be alone is now, more than ever, benefitting me. I'm really quite good at this single thing! Just wanted to let you both know that I really feel for you, as well. Take care, you two. xxx
mimiminx Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I am a true believer in that "absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great" I feel your pain right now.. i guess just remember this quote. it's helping me right now, maybe you can take some comfort in it as well.
Danielle46 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I really like that quote...much more substance than "absence makes the heart grow fonder"...I agree with it fully. I think that is something to definitely keep in mind when enduring something like this.
Author mickleb Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I am a true believer in that "absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great" I feel your pain right now.. i guess just remember this quote. it's helping me right now, maybe you can take some comfort in it as well. Thanks, mimi. It is a beautiful quote. I suppose I'm worried that, despite what he said, I may just be 'the small'. Hope not. But, if that is the case, I know it's better that I learn that sooner and not later. x
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