Summoning strength to end affair...

[indiagirl1]

Hi

 

This is my first post. I am an OW (not married) in an affair with a MM, been in the affair for two years now and am at the stage where I my heart has caught up with my head and I know I need to end the affair. The affair is destroying me, I can't accept crumbs anymore and the loneliness this relationship brings is crushing me.

 

MM has never made me any promises or given me hope - we are deeply in love but (as seems to be a regular theme of MM)...he doesn't feel he can 'destroy' his child's life by leaving the family home. I have my own views on this but I am not a parent so can't understand how it really feels. He says he is going to sacrifice his own happiness in order to give his child a solid stable upbringing despite the fact that he is deeply unhappy in his marriage. Yep he sounds like a martyr, yes he is saying all the standard lines but I do believe he is trying to do the right thing by his son. We have had hundreds of conversations where I have tried to convince him that amicable agreements between parents can be reached...and initially he felt he could leave....but I think the crux of it is he wants to be a full time Dad. He desperately desperately doesn't want to lose me but talks constantly of setting me free as he cannot give me what I deserve but then tells me how much he loves me and just can't see a way through.

 

My heart is broken, I love him, I have found being the 'other woman' sheer hell but the hope that maybe this could work out kept me going. That hope has now gone and I am destroyed. I am fed up of being miserable and know that I need to make the break and move on with my life.

 

I have to end the relationship now before I lose the plot. I can't meet him and do it as it will be too traumatic so feel the only way is to send him an email doing it. I know this seems cowardly after two years but every attempt I have made to finish it face to face has failed.

 

I am struggling with two things. Firstly, the thought of ending it makes me feel physically sick and panicky. I feel so weak and really don't know where to summon the strength from to walk away from him. How do you keep strong? I know it's what I need to do, I do but I don't know how I will cope not having him in my life. Does the pain really lessen as time goes on? Two years is such a long time, I just am going to find it hard not to respond to him when he's distraught at losing me...and missing him could mean I am back to Square One!

 

However, I have to do it, I have to.

 

The second thing I need help with is 'the email'. I have spent three days trying to do it and whatever I put sounds wrong. I don't want a long rambling email explaining my reasons. I just want to say it's over, I need more and that I wish him well....but that sounds so harsh and like I don't love him. I need him to know I love him but that this is killing me and I have no choice but to end it.

 

My God I sound so pathetic!!! I am determined though, determined to reclaim my life and start living again.

 

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post

[jj33]

YOu are doing the right thing. If he says he is never leaving he means it and you deserve so much more.

 

Just write an email and say you love him, but he is married and you want a full relatoinship with someone who wants to build a real future and be a family with you. And that this will be your last contact to him and you will block all contact from him because it would be too difficult to remain in contact.

 

Good luck

[jennie-jennie]

"I need him to know I love him but that this is killing me and I have no choice but to end it."

 

I think you said it perfectly right here.

[Devil Inside]

I agree with the above posters. Trust me, I was in the position of your MM just a few months ago. She ended it. I know she loves me. I realize that I put her through hell, and she deserves so much more than I can offer.

 

It will hurt both of you...but it is really the only way to get back to square one, you're not even there yet. You will feel physical withdrawal and grief..so will he. He may reach out as he feels you slip through his fingers. Don't have any contact with him after you send the email...it will only led to more pain. You and he have talked about this...and both know the deal.

 

Good luck.

[indiagirl1]

Thanks so much for the responses.

 

DevilInside...do you truly love your OW? I have seen so many 'if he loved you he'd leave' posts on this forum. I don't believe this, life is more complicated than that surely? Did you fight or accept her decision when she ended your relationship?

 

I have to summon the strength now to do this, I have no choice, I need to protect myself from further hurt although recognise the hurt I feel is my own fault - I should never have got involved with a MM.

 

I am going to compile the email tomorrow as am too drained to do it now.

 

2 years and nothing to show but a broken heart.

 

Thanks for your help

[jennie-jennie]

My MM expresses it like this: If he was single and was to choose between his "wife" and me, he would without question choose me. But now he is married, and with that comes obligations and responsibility he wants to honor, and then the answer is not that simple.

 

So in my mind it is not a question of love or not, or being a cad or not, rather the opposite: someone being torn between love and duty.

 

The "if he loved you he'd leave" posts are usually posted by betrayed spouses, who do not want to believe that their husbands really did love someone else.

[Gamine]

My MM expresses it like this: If he was single and was to choose between his "wife" and me, he would without question choose me. But now he is married, and with that comes obligations and responsibility he wants to honor, and then the answer is not that simple.

 

So in my mind it is not a question of love or not, or being a cad or not, rather the opposite: someone being torn between love and duty.

 

The "if he loved you he'd leave" posts are usually posted by betrayed spouses, who do not want to believe that their husbands really did love someone else.

 

Perhaps this is true. However, does this alter the outcome? Whether love or duty the outcome is one way or the other. If you are the one waiting, does it matter the authenticity of the reasons or validation of the feelings if there is one result? He/she is either going to be with you or with someone else. Which is it.

[jennie-jennie]

Perhaps this is true. However, does this alter the outcome? Whether love or duty the outcome is one way or the other. If you are the one waiting, does it matter the authenticity of the reasons or validation of the feelings if there is one result? He/she is either going to be with you or with someone else. Which is it.

 

Gamine, it does matter, because once the OW has ended the EMR, her self confidence will be much better if she knows that she was loved but under impossible circumstances. It doesn't change the odds of the outcome, but it does wonders to the OW's self esteem. That is why I react so strongly to these posts. It is difficult enough being the OW, we don't need to add to the burden.

[DancingMoon]

Hi Indiagirl

this sounds like my story, except my mm is also my boss, and he has two children, and I am a few weeks in front of you, as I ended it for the same reasons, and the same feelings after 3 years. He and I are devastated, we are deeply and will always I guess be in love, he feels weak as he simply cannot walk out on his children through duty, him and his wife have for many years had no intimate connection and they remain repectful for the children. He had told his wife he dosnt love her hoping that this will start conversation but she does not and will not basically let go of her 'money wallet' , he says he wishes he had the courage to walk away, but cannot needs to be and see his children grown up..

anyway you are doing te right thing, yes it is painful, I have had to anxiety attacks because of this in the past two weeks, and have a tightness in my chest at all times, I am tearful and full of sadness, in fact overcome with grief, not to be confused with depression however they are different. I have got in contact with a life coach which has helped me and have had one session, and this helps me to come to terms with this loss, as it is a loss a significant one, also facing my issues I have now with self-esteem and trust, but also I am looking at other things to focus on, as when you end the affair, for me the devastation is the seemingly end of all your hopes and dreams, which leaves you feeling completely empty, so you need to fill this space, it is reallyu not easy, but day by day we move on, it is still way to early for me I am grieving and so will you, but talking to people who understand and offer encouragment and some form of hope help. Please never think he doesn't love you, and he will be in pain also, i have a terrible lump in my throat now thinking of my situation and this is how you will feel, but stay strong please if you cannot live with the status quo which I could not like yourself, just focus, but do NOT go on holidays or spend lots of time on your own, I did and it made the situation worse, stay in surroundings where you feel secure and know for the time being, and ake plans, even little ones - Take care

[AlektraClementine]

Just a few thoughts:

 

MMs who speak of honor and duty are fullovit in my humble opinion. Because in all actuality they are being selective in which commitments to be dutiful and honorable.

 

Also - I am divorced. My exH nor I ever cheated. We had children and a miserable marriage. We amicably split because we were unhappy and to this day, 5 years later, we are still amicable and both full-time parents. It can work. If you really want to leave your marriage, you do.

[fooled once]

I am sorry you are hurting, but you are doing the right thing.

 

Here is what I wrote recently to another member here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=198375&page=5

 

You know what I am about to say is from the heart. YOU - my friend - you are such a special lady.

 

BUT (and you knew that was coming)...... I hate to see you settling and yes, I firmly believe you are. I see you sitting around and waiting for him - when or if he returns for a quick visit.

 

Hon - he picked his wife. HE. PICKED. HER.

 

I know you waffled so much on spending time with him. I wish, wish, wish you had decided to stay NC. I think this time with him has given you false hope for a future. I think he took complete advantage of you in this regard.

 

HE is going home to his wife and kids.

 

HE is going home to his family.

 

He will be doing homework with her/the kids. They will pack up and go on a picnic in the park. They will go to the movies. They will go buy new clothes together or the kids. They will decide what to have for dinner. They will sit down and watch a TV program together. They will help each other with house project; laundry, changing a light bulb. They will grow in their feelings for each other. They will discuss vacations. They will discuss saving towards a new TV, a new couch. They will carry on with their lives - together. Sure, you will pass through his mind. But, it is his wife's hand he will grab while walking. It is her back he will rub after a hard day. It is her lips he will kiss good morning, during the day, at night. It is her he will snuggle down on the couch with.

 

Yes, you touched him. But not in a big enough way for him to decide you are the person he wants to spend his eternity with. He went without seeing his kids for 8 months. He didn't see his kids for longer than many non-custoidal parents.

 

Divorce IS an option. But it obviously isn't an OPTION for him. He is choosing to not make it an option. He has chosen to keep his marriage. he has chosen to keep his family.

 

I don't say any of this to hurt you. I say this to show you that as romantic and wonderful your limited time with him was --- it was just that - a fantasty.

 

My biggest fear is you will now sit and wait. You will allow life to pass you by on a "maybe one day". You will not "be there" mentally for your kids. You will be checked out for them; you will be consumed by your memories of your time together, wondering what he is doing, wondering what he is thinking, checking the phone to make sure it is working, checking email cosntantly -- checking, checking, checking, waiting, waiting, waiting -- for just a crumb of his time. For just a quick phone call, a few sentences of an email. SOMETHING to give you hope. And he may throw you that -- when he has time. When he isn't with the kids, when he isn't with his wife, when he can sneak away. Or he may forget to for a few days and you will be waiting, waiting, waiting - checking, checking, checking.

 

Life will be passing you by. Your kids will be grown and you will still be sitting and waiting.

 

AR *hug*

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

 

You deserve to find love and happiness with someone who can make you the FOCUS, not the after thought.

 

You deserve to find love and happiness with someone who will make you a priority. Someone who will fill your days and nights with laughter, love and sizzle.

 

You deserve to find love and happiness with someone who will show you - by actions - that he wants to grow old with you; he wants to shelter you, he wants to talk to you, he wants to listen to you.

 

You deserve better.

 

I wish I could make you see that. We are all only given 1 life. ONE life. We don't get do-overs. Life is very short. It really is. Do you want to spend your life waiting? Checking? Waiting?

 

I know you love him. But sometimes, that love isn't a life time of love. You know the saying about friends who come into our life or a reason, a season or a lifetime? This can be applied to lovers too.

 

I don't think he is your lifetime. He was your season.

 

And until you truly believe that, you will be standing still. You won't be growing. You will become stale, angry, bitter, emotionless.

 

Do not let that happen to you.

 

IF it was meant to be, it will be. Since he went home to his family, in my heart I truly belive it wasn't meant to be. And until YOU believe that .....

 

*hug*

 

I hope these words can help you.

 

And I see no problem with you dumping him via email. He doesn't deserve anything better.

[fooled once]

He and I are devastated, we are deeply and will always I guess be in love,

 

I can assure you this will not be true in a year or two down the road.

[indiagirl1]

Thank you SO SO much for the replies. You have no idea the strength they have given me. 'Dancing Moon' I am so sorry you are going through what I am - even worse with him being your boss so he's in your life. Your words helped me and it is helpful to know what's ahead emotion wise. Can you tell me...what was his response to finishing it? Also does it really get easier once you have done it when you are battling with the emotions of missing them? What I mean is, can you see you have progressed in moving forward week by week? My biggest fear is how empty I will feel without him as I know that the only way for this to work is to go total NC. However I am resolute, I have lost my sparkle, my zest for life and am a shadow of my former self - all because I chose to accept crumbs. I want my life back.

 

Been trying to write the email for a day now, have done about 20 and each one isn't right. I have so so much to say but is it best to say it all or just be brief? I know it's irrelevant but I don't want him thinking I am giving up on him..as I am not, just this type of relationship where we are in secret and I am Number 2!. Despite everything I love this man and I want to exit this relationship with dignity and grace and not me pulling him down for not choosing me! I just don't know what to put which is so ridiculous considering how close we are!

 

I can't thank you all enough for your comments, 'fooled once' your post was beautiful. I feel SO empowered!

 

Thanks

[GreenEyedLady]

Be brief, if you have to write the email at all.

 

Say you can't stay in this R anymore and for him not to contact you again. And sign your name.

 

Do not write any of the following:

 

I love you, but can't do this anymore.

 

If only you weren't married.

 

I'm not giving up on you (he will reply you're giving up on "us.")

 

Any star-crossed lovers analogies.

 

He already knows the score. If you're close, he already knows what he's doing to you.

 

He needs reality, not a letter making him feel like a casanova.

 

GEL

[angie2443]

Also - I am divorced. My exH nor I ever cheated. We had children and a miserable marriage. We amicably split because we were unhappy and to this day, 5 years later, we are still amicable and both full-time parents. It can work. If you really want to leave your marriage, you do.

 

You guys did it the right way. Your children are better off for that.

[fooled once]

I totally agree with GEL.

 

Brief, to the point and no declarations of always loving him, blah, blah blah.

 

Just it is over and do not contact me again.

 

*hug* I hope you do feel empowered and if I can help, please let me know!

[Devil Inside]

Thanks so much for the responses.

 

DevilInside...do you truly love your OW? I have seen so many 'if he loved you he'd leave' posts on this forum. I don't believe this, life is more complicated than that surely? Did you fight or accept her decision when she ended your relationship?

 

 

 

Yes I love my xOW. Yes, I fought her decision. However, in the end I realized it was the right decision. Also, it really was my decision. I was the one that, through my lack of action, chose to stay married. She waited for ten months...looking back I should have never put her through that.

 

I should have been man enough to tell her that I wasn't willing to go through the consequences necessary to be with her. I should have told her that even though we had chemistry we were both married and should not be together because we will hurt each other. Or, I should have gotten a divorce and been with her.

 

Love is unconditional, relationships aren't. Of course I wanted to be with her...but love wasn't enough.

[Gamine]

Saying goodbye to someone you love is never easy. However, when in a relationship that I knew had to end ...and found myself sorting through everything you are sorting through... I would remind myself simply this...

 

If I think it's hard now, it will be only harder if I continue further. As difficult as it is now to end it...it will be doubly so later when you now have more than 2 years invested.

 

You will love again. Sometimes I look back on the things I prayed to God for... and I am so thankful I didn't get them. God answered my prayers and gave me what I truly needed... not necessarily what I wanted. I wonder how miserable my life would have turned out if I hadn't the strength to move on.

 

I pray you have the strength to make the right choices for your long term investment in yourself for greater happiness.