Dmoney28 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I guess im writing this thread because i just want to let all those people out there who have cheated there is hope. Many people say once a cheater always a cheater...not true. I'm a living proof. A year ago i cheated on my girlfriend of 4 years. Honestly it was the worst thing i have done. Her tears and crying still haunt me today. The amount of emotional hurt i caused this women i am so ashamed of. I came here looking for help and advice...and of course i got the..."you're a scum bag"..."if you loved her how could you have done that"......"once a cheater always cheater...you'll do it again". Well , a year later, i have proven all the nay sayesr wrong..how?. Blood, sweat and tears. I saw a phsychologist twice a month for a year...i read numerous books on self development and relationships. I found religeon....and over the course of 6 months of LC...i assured her it wasnt her fault...but my own slefish actions. Day by day, i reformed myself...and it was hell. At time i didnt know how i could get over the guilt for what i did to her. I knew she wasnt comming back....so i did all these things for myself. And after the hell i went through, i am a completly diffrent person. I'm, dating this new girl for about a month...and i have not had the thought of cheating. Granted...its still early, but i know deep in my soul i could never cheat and cause that kind of pain again. I let go of the guilt and honestly...going outside my relationship sickens me. For all those who feel genuine remorse and regret. There is hope for you. Do not let everyone tell you that you will be a bad person forever. You screwed up...true...but you can learn and become the person you deserve to be. The kind of person who can be a dedicated partner.
Lyssa Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Dmoney, I'm glad you sought the help you needed in becoming a better person. I never believed the saying that once a cheater will always be a cheater. I have a couple of friends and an uncle that cheated once and never did again - like you, they went and got help to improve themselves. All the best to you and your future relationship!
Javelin Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Congratulations on taking the necessary steps towards change. Now the key is to act on what you've learned, not just talk about it. Talk is cheap. Do not let everyone tell you that you will be a bad person forever. You screwed up...true...but you can learn and become the person you deserve to be. The kind of person who can be a dedicated partner. Not one person on this board is saying that all cheaters won't change. What we're saying is that, the majority of cheaters are too lazy to take the necessary steps to fix themselves once they hit rock bottom.
Author Dmoney28 Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 looking back...i dont know what the hell i was thinking. To throw away a meaningfull relationship with someone you love for 15 minutes of pleasure was the stupidist thing i have ever done. I lost a very good women over some bull \#$%. God...did i ever learn a lesson from this .
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Dmoney, trauma and loss are some of the things that can cause a cheater to want to change. This doesn't guarantee lifelong change. Put those thoughts to action and be the best partner for your current g/f. You'll know for certain, if you can maintain your level of commitment towards change, in the long-term. When the chips are really down and you're going through a relationship low, that's when true core change stands up as a shining example.
MichiganMan222 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I am banking on this notion. My current GF cheated on her now-XH many years ago. She felt the need to admit this to me. The circumstances surrounding it were dire. There was acute conflict and she went home (another city) to be with family. There was alcohol involved and she slept with her XBF. She told me she was so distraught over it she came home the next morning and confessed immediately and even tho her and her then-H were having major problems, decided it was one of the most awful things she's felt in her life. Ironically, this was not why they split. He forgave her. One part of me is a little nervous to have someone with this under their belt, while another is grateful she had already learned a hard lesson prior to me.
norajane Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Granted...its still early Yes, one month into a relationship is definitely early. But, you've done a lot of work, and that's the best way to get to the heart of your issues and overcome them. Good luck.
confusedcookie Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 Good for you! i have some questions if you don't mind answering... =p 1) when your SO asks about your past, do you tell them you have cheated before? if not, do you lie about it, or just single it out? my bf cheated before, but he lied about it, and i found out later from his sister. If you lie or make excuses for your cheating, does that mean you're not admitting to your mistake and that you'll do it again? (he says he won't bc the same girl cheated on him, and he said that the pain is unbearable and he wouldn't want to give the same pain to anybody) 2) i always thought there was something between his "godsister" and him, and even found a bracelet near the side of the bed (not mine =S), made some excuse that i kind of excepted... (he also said that before when he cheated, once he had sex when his "mistress", he broke it off with his gf) 3) every time they are together for long periods of time together 5+ hours, i get upset and ask him for "reassurance". last fight, she was helping him move, and the moving/appraisal van was 5 hours late, and they were at his house. to make matters worse, nothing got sold, and so it's like there's no "evidence" that the van ever came, and i said, "it's hard for me to trust you, especially with your past" he blew up at me, and he said, "fine, if you don't trust me then fine, there's nothing to say and i don't want anything to do with you" my question is that if you didn't cheat, but your gf kept insisting you did cheat, and based that on your past (you weren't truthful about it at the beginning), is his reaction justified for blowing up at me that i don't trust him? or do you think he's laying a guilt trip on me? my theory is that since his past is faulty then yes, he should be judged by it, and that it should be his responsibility for reassuring me there is nothing going on? (granted, right after i knew he cheated, i found the bracelet, and i've gotten insecure about "godsister" for about 6 months, so he could be tired that i don't trust him) of course, i know everybody is different, but since you cheated before, and say that you would never cheat again, i would really appreciate your opinion =)
samsungxoxo Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Good to hear that you're working on yourself as a person and reading books on relationships and self-development. Continue in what you're doing and don't repeat the same wrong path you took. In your new relationship, if it starts developing then you can choose if you want to be honest and tell your girlfriend the truth or not. I would not tell since the new g/f is not the one you hurt so you got nothing to worry about now..... Have fun and enjoy life, don't focus on regrets too much...
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I guess im writing this thread because i just want to let all those people out there who have cheated there is hope. Many people say once a cheater always a cheater...not true. I'm a living proof. A year ago i cheated on my girlfriend of 4 years. Honestly it was the worst thing i have done. Her tears and crying still haunt me today. The amount of emotional hurt i caused this women i am so ashamed of. I came here looking for help and advice...and of course i got the..."you're a scum bag"..."if you loved her how could you have done that"......"once a cheater always cheater...you'll do it again". Well , a year later, i have proven all the nay sayesr wrong..how?. Blood, sweat and tears. I saw a phsychologist twice a month for a year...i read numerous books on self development and relationships. I found religeon....and over the course of 6 months of LC...i assured her it wasnt her fault...but my own slefish actions. Day by day, i reformed myself...and it was hell. At time i didnt know how i could get over the guilt for what i did to her. I knew she wasnt comming back....so i did all these things for myself. And after the hell i went through, i am a completly diffrent person. I'm, dating this new girl for about a month...and i have not had the thought of cheating. Granted...its still early, but i know deep in my soul i could never cheat and cause that kind of pain again. I let go of the guilt and honestly...going outside my relationship sickens me. For all those who feel genuine remorse and regret. There is hope for you. Do not let everyone tell you that you will be a bad person forever. You screwed up...true...but you can learn and become the person you deserve to be. The kind of person who can be a dedicated partner. You're kidding right? It's been ONE year.. how can you say that you're a 'living proof'.. after only one year.. I'm sure you got the best intentions.. but come back in 20+ years and say the same thing.. I'll believe you THEN...
vivrantflo Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 You're kidding right? It's been ONE year.. how can you say that you're a 'living proof'.. after only one year.. I'm sure you got the best intentions.. but come back in 20+ years and say the same thing.. I'll believe you THEN... Dmoney28, don't listen to this. You're gonna have doubters and haters, but who really cares about them? If you know you've changed for the better, then you and your current woman will reap the benefits. Lots of people on here say cheaters don't change cause for the most part, they dont, and second it helps them cope with the betrayal they experienced. I joined this site back 2007 in your exact shoes, making the same stupid choice you did. You live and you learn. Crushing someone else that trusts you 100% is a feeling you never want to place on a partner again. 3 years ago was my first and only time I stepped out during a break, and broke someone's heart. Havent betrayed anyone since.. it's really not that hard either. It's a choice to entertain flirting with another woman that isnt your chick. It's a choice to place yourself in a situation where you can betray your chick. It's a choice to unzip your pants and have sex with a woman that's not your girlfriend. Choices. To go through all of that requires selfishness, lack of integrity, and filth. You've gone through the steps of realizing why you did it, and suffering the consequences of your choice, and improving upon yourself to reckognize this poor judgement, and to now put it into practise with a new girlfriend. Keep up the good work, and don't be discouraged by doubters. It's really hard to find someone special, you have now found her. Her heart is vulnerable to you. Take care it, and treat it with the utmost respect, because your woman now, loves the NEW you.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I guess im writing this thread because i just want to let all those people out there who have cheated there is hope. Many people say once a cheater always a cheater...not true. I'm a living proof. A year ago i cheated on my girlfriend of 4 years. so only a year since you cheated and you think that is proof that you wont do it again? Just wait. The duldrums will set in, the 7 year itch clock has been restarted. Just give it time. If you did it once, you can do it again. Especially if you think there is no way she will ever find out. Its only been a year. Give it time.
Author Dmoney28 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 nope....i think i wont ever do it again..i know i wont ever do it again. The amount of emotional pain i went through with my ex-gf was a monumental turning point in my life. I threw away a good relationship and a good woman over my selfishness and immaturity. I wont ever cheat again
Dexter Morgan Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 You're kidding right? It's been ONE year.. how can you say that you're a 'living proof'.. after only one year.. I'm sure you got the best intentions.. but come back in 20+ years and say the same thing.. I'll believe you THEN... ya! Take it from Lizzie....she could get you to cheat on any girlfriend;)
fakobako Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 im really hoping one day ill be able to say that also. i am trying to change, eventho i know it will take awhile. i havnt cheated on just one person one time like you tho, im a serial cheater. but, im wanting to stop. so, hopefully ill start to get myself together and not do it anymore. i know it hurts people, but it doesnt help that ive never been caught, and never confessed either, eventho ive never had a bf ask me anything, to them i was the perfect GF or the one that got away. very sad but true.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 im a serial cheater. please post your name and city, so we know who to stay away from.
sw1911ct Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 It's not THAT big of a deal, until you get caught. Be safe out there
Miss Stress Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 nope....i think i wont ever do it again..i know i wont ever do it again. The amount of emotional pain i went through with my ex-gf was a monumental turning point in my life. I threw away a good relationship and a good woman over my selfishness and immaturity. I wont ever cheat again I think the word maturity is really impt here. I'm sure many would disagree, but realize I'm a chick saying this. From a logical pov, maturity is everything. Some men take longer than others. But until they reach that point in their lives (some never do ex: George Clooney) where they want a girlfriend instead of chasing random pussy ... I think they are going to stick their penis in any willing hole. I don't think that makes a man "evil" or a "bad person" or a "scum bag." I just think some men take longer to mature. I think once they realize that (imo) true freedom can only be experienced in a committed relationship with someone who loves you exclusively, they aren't going to be monogamous. A man has to WANT to be faithful. Plain and simple. No evil or bad or scum involved. Some guys see their fathers cheat on their mothers and NEVER do it. Others may take till their 40 to grow up. Some ... never grow up and will never want to be faithful to one woman. Every man is different. But to say a 22 yr old guy that got drunk at a party in college and cheated on his girlfriend will NEVER be capable of being a faithful and loving husband is ridiculous imo.
Author Dmoney28 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 you are so right miss stress. Looking back over my relationship..i wasnt mature enough to handle it. She even said do her self. It came to a point in my life where i had to grow up mentally. And by her leaving me, it forced me in a way to grow up.
MrFun Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Once a pedophile, always a pedophile, once a cokehead, always a cokehead, once a car thief, always a car thief once a cheater, always a cheater once an online gamer, always an online gamer! Sweeping generalisations? Is it really easier to do it again, once you've already done it before? Would you do it again if you weren't caught? If you're a betting person, would you bet on a horse that didn't leave the gate once before? Would you bet your heart on a cheater? Would you leave money around if you knew someone was a cokehead previously? Guess everyone has to decide for themselves.... Yeah, people change, and it's unfair to make a judgement because of a single action, but tell that to a guy that's in a wheel chair for diving into a swallow pond. Some mistakes are for life.
Author Dmoney28 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 its a matter of wanting to change. If a person dosent want to change....they wont. The same reaon why some people commit crimes, serve a bid and go back to doing the same thing. They dont want to change. But some who go to jail or prison, LEARN the negative results of there action and are rehibiltated. I wanted to change...i wanted to be a good person. So i will give my 100% to be a faithfull person, becuase i now see the fall out of emotional pain i caused to both parties. now as far as the anology of the diver who dives in a shallow pond and gets paralyzed....that would apply to the person who was cheating on. The damge has already been done. The cheater has a oppurtunity to go into the next relationship with a renewed since of being the best partner they can be.
MrFun Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 The cheater has a oppurtunity to go into the next relationship with a renewed since of being the best partner they can be. Conscience is an ability or a faculty that distinguishes whether one's actions are right or wrong. It leads to feelings of remorse when a human does things that go against his/her moral values, and to feelings of rectitude or integrity when actions conform to moral values. Integrity is consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations and outcome. As a holistic concept, it judges the quality of a system in terms of its ability to achieve its own goals. Therefore, if you live your life consistent with your principles and value, you have integrity. Integrity is the basis of self-worth and self-confidence, i.e. because you act upon your true core values every time, your self-value grows. If you do not act upon your true core values and principles, you self-value is lowered. Now if your core values are about cheating, then you have integrity, and self-value based upon destructive values, which will eventually lead to your downfall anyway Enough pseudo-philosophy. Moral of the story is: don't cheat, it's a lose-lose deal. You hurt yourself and others.
samsungxoxo Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Actually the moral of the story is if you're gonna cheat, then be damn smart about it and make sure not to get caught. If you get caught then that's it, it's a lose-lose situation. It's lost in both ways. 1) If he/she caughts you, then very likely they will break up with you, cutting you from their lives 2) If they take you back, again it's lost situation as it's never the same, so without trust it's not worth it, they will always remembered ita nd definately will not see you the same when they look at you in the eye. Then next thing is you're gonna have to own it up to all the new rules to the point you can't take it no more... You now if you're gonna cheat, do it with someone they don't know and analyze the risks of getting caught versus benefits... Is the person you cheated with worth or was it you just escaping reality..... Lastly make sure it's not something you regret in the end. Otherwise all that effort you took when you cheated, was done for nothing....
Author Dmoney28 Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 cheating is a lose - lose situation. Its a horrible betray of not only the trust...but of you personal character. It took me a long time before i felt like a good person. Alot of changes befor ei felt better about myself. That feeling of being a person who maks a choice to hurt someone on purpose...it killed me. and to be honest...i still get a little emotional over my actions. Its like i cant believe i put her...us through that. For what..15 minutes of pleasure. It WAS not worth it.My ex loved me...and i just shattered her heart and her trust. Many nights i couldnt sleep. It was horrible...the look on her face and the tears...Her families dissapointment...my families dissapointment....it still breaks my heart sometimes. But...its in the past. I cant change what i did, no matter how much i want to. All i can do is take this lesson and NEVER do it again. And wish her the best in her life...she deserves to be happy So please peple. Before you make that choice...just sit down and ask yourself.....do i want to hurt this person. Is it worth losing that person. Its not ..trust me.
samsungxoxo Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 So please peple. Before you make that choice...just sit down and ask yourself.....do i want to hurt this person. Is it worth losing that person. Its not ..trust me. I guess this too can be apply even if you were not to be in love with your partner. Now yes if I hypothetically were to cheat on my boyfriend yes I would be thinking twice or three and from then on, if I do it, then my guess is I would make sure if the person I cheated with is worth staying with in case I get caught, now that makes more sense....
Recommended Posts