sillyme123 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I have been dating my fiance since we were 18, and have known him since we were 13. We have always been good friends, which seems to be the pillar in our relationship. We are now 27, and last December he asked me to marry him. We have experienced the highest of the ups, and the lowest of the downs, and have grown up together. We are very compatible. He is a wonderful man: committed, smart, funny, loving, outgoing, family oriented, loves to cook and doesn't mind cleaning. From the looks of things, he is an amazing catch. He is the guy next door, my best friend. I couldn't ask for more. Once we were engaged, I never felt like I was walking on a cloud, as happy as one could be. Rather, I felt very apprehensive about my situation, and was not at all excited about planning a wedding and getting married. Unexpectedly, an affair began with a friend/colleague a few months ago. He is married, but separated from his wife. Prior to this, we would talk about our relationships, him about the issues with his wife, and me with my cold feet, amongst many other things. We became very close, and eventually became intimate. He stated that he is growing attached to me, and values our friendship/intimacy. I care deeply for my fiance, and wish I could be content. I wonder if I am involving myself in an affair because I have cold feet.... or maybe he is not "the one". Can anyone relate? Thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
LifesontheUp Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Never been in this situation myself but I know a number of people who have had cold feet before getting married and not one of them had an affair. Some broke off the engagement, others worked through it with their OH. I don't see you mention anywhere that you confided in your fiance about your feelings. Instead you turned to someone else. How on earth does that help, apart from making yourself feel better. I think you are looking for excuses for what you have done. My thoughts are that you should end both relationships and spend time by yourself. Honestly, I don't see you as being ready for any relationship right now.
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Please do not marry this guy. Your cheating on him and having an affair has basically ruined whatever was/is there between you and your fiance. You can't go back, and IF you do choose to marry him, HE deserves to know the truth - That an affair 'unexpectedly' happened. End both and be alone for a while, find "you". Find out who you are without ANY man in your life, grow as a woman, gain experience (stay away from MM though in life, be independant etc.. Either way, this is a red flag and it's time to be completely honest with your fiance. You owe him that much seeing as you've known him for more than half your life.
Devil Inside Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I can see you're really conflicted. I don't think you should marry this guy. I don't think you want to go through the heartache of staying with this separated man either. Take some time to really figure out what you want. Good luck.
Gamine Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Who I loved when I was 17 wasn't the man I would have loved when I was 30. If I had married that man I would have always wondered what else was out there, hence one of the perils of marrying or committing too young and before figuring yourself out. I am not sure if I am right about this, but from following many posts and from personal practical knowledge it seems that lives may follow a pattern. One can date before settling down, or settle down without dating and date later. It seems that those who commit at a young age before figuring themselves out are always wondering ... and sooner or later (it seems, anyway) the desire to 'know' what they are missing out on seems to reach a head. How do I know if this person is for me? Some who commit really young may always be wondering if the grass is greener. Those who commit after knowing themselves and after playing the field may have already sifted through all of the greener grass and it doesn't have the draw. There are no feelings of 'what did I miss out on'. That is why... at least for me... after dating for years prior to marriage, I knew what I wanted. Other men are not a curiosity to me because I already know.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Either way, this is a red flag and it's time to be completely honest with your fiance. You owe him that much seeing as you've known him for more than half your life. Hard to disagree. What clearer signal could you want that marriage isn't currently for you than to cheat on your fiancee and develop feelings for someone else? And how disastrous would it be to proceed with the nuptials when one foot is out the door? Don't do it. Any hurt your fiancee will feel pales next to the "I'm not in love with you" speech you'd be giving him five years from now... Mr. Lucky
lkjh Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 You have to be honest with him and tell him what you have done. Otherwise you can not say that you love him
jnj express Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Please don't give us this "I care deeply for my fiance". If you are truly in love, there is no one else, you don't even see anyone else. You and your fiance have been together, a long time, your relationship is probably old and stale, like many mge.'s get when they become comfortable. You never got to sow your oats did you??? Well you have sown them now. The colleague is a slimeball for helping you to wreck your relationship. Do not try to defend him, a proper man does not go around ruining other people's relationships, slimeballs do. IMHO you need to tell your fiance what you have done, and the 2 of you can go from there. But like another poster stated many have 2nd thoughts, but very few spread their legs for another man.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Take it as a sign that you should not marry.
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