skjd1220 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I need your opinions once again. In the past, I think I have sabotaged relationships early on by being too physical. I had a great second date with a new guy tonight. We had parked by my house and walked to a local bar. We had a fun evening and things seemed to go well. After, we walked to my house to get to his car. When we arrived, I wasn't sure if I should invite him in or not. I don't want to blow this one. I asked if he needed pop or water for his drive home and he said no. I didn't invite him in....was that a mistake? I don't want him to think I'm uninterested but I also want to take things slow. Thanks for your thoughts.
BentSpine Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I need your opinions once again. In the past, I think I have sabotaged relationships early on by being too physical.I doubt that becoming intimate doomed your past relationships. I believe it's a great deal easier to sabotage a relationship by not having sex, than by having it. Introducing sex may make your break ups more painful for you if you have bonded to a man through sex, if it later turns out that you're incompatible and you two don't really enjoy the time together when you're not being intimate. Withholding sex won't make an incompatible relationship work. There isn't a tried and true way, be it withholding sex or love potions, to make sure that a relationship works out. It's beyond your control. You can surely influence the relationship but not control it entirely. Imagine your guy telling you: "I want to wait before I begin making you feel special", would you hang around? That's the trade, men give affection while women give sex. I do encourage you to wait with sex until you feel aroused. But if you're not aroused your body language will be in harmony with those feelings. The way you kiss will reveal your level of arousal. And if the two don't match in your mans eyes, he will feel that you're playing games. Good luck.
Bejita463 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 That's the trade, men give affection while women give sex. That sounds an awful lot like one of those covert pacts 'nice guys' make that end up making life on men everywhere else harder. You convince a woman that this statement is true, then other men cannot give them affection without them thinking they are trying to get in their pants. ._.
dunstable Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I don't think you sabotaged past relationships by getting physical too early. Unless the guys had double standards. You did the right thing not to invite him in if you didn't want to have sex that night and you thought he might interpret being asked in as an invitation to sex. I think women, especially younger women, worry too much about when is the right time to have sex. It should happen when YOU want it to happen.
BentSpine Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 That sounds an awful lot like one of those covert pacts 'nice guys' make that end up making life on men everywhere else harder.I like that you call me a nice guy, especially after I refused to buy a bar chick a $2 coffee until she was willing to sleep with me. You convince a woman that this statement is true, then other men cannot give them affection without them thinking they are trying to get in their pants.Where you go wrong is that the man must give his woman affection all the time. That means way before he initiates some lovin'. If the caring actions lead to sex, they don't count as affection: they count as foreplay.
Bejita463 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I like that you call me a nice guy It was a general statement about a type of guy, and not about a specific attitude. It was not directed at you specifically, as I do not know you. Where you go wrong is that the man must give his woman affection all the time. That means way before he initiates some lovin'. If the caring actions lead to sex, they don't count as affection: they count as foreplay. The point I was trying to make is that portion of your text I quoted looks to me as though you are saying that men showing affection is some kind of deal or possibly a ruse that is ultimately directed towards obtaining sex. Whether this is what you meant, I was just adding my opinion that I do not agree with that particular sentiment.
BobSacamento Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Well if you are going to invite him in you better have sex with him. If you don't you are just toying with him and wasting his time, I'd imagine he'd be pretty pissed. If the date is over than the date is over, don't invite him in cause you are bored. He might have other things he wants to do.
in_absentia Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Well if you are going to invite him in you better have sex with him. If you don't you are just toying with him and wasting his time, I'd imagine he'd be pretty pissed. If the date is over than the date is over, don't invite him in cause you are bored. He might have other things he wants to do. That's a load of cr@p, if a guy is interested in a girl and not just in sleeping with her, he won't think any less of her if he is invited in and doesn't get laid than he would if he slept with her. Granted I'm a girl, but of all my guy friends/bf the vast majority are not that shallow and pathetic.
Soul Bear Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I dont think it matters, you dont have to have sex, you could just fall asleep holding hands and explain that you are not quite ready yet Sometimes that can be equally special, especially if you are both just becoming emotionally invested in each other.
westernxer Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 That's a load of cr@p, if a guy is interested in a girl and not just in sleeping with her, he won't think any less of her if he is invited in and doesn't get laid than he would if he slept with her. Granted I'm a girl, but of all my guy friends/bf the vast majority are not that shallow and pathetic. This is true. It's happened to me on first dates. I see it as a sign that I've made them comfortable enough to trust me.
monkey00 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I need your opinions once again. In the past, I think I have sabotaged relationships early on by being too physical. I had a great second date with a new guy tonight. We had parked by my house and walked to a local bar. We had a fun evening and things seemed to go well. After, we walked to my house to get to his car. When we arrived, I wasn't sure if I should invite him in or not. I don't want to blow this one. I asked if he needed pop or water for his drive home and he said no. I didn't invite him in....was that a mistake? I don't want him to think I'm uninterested but I also want to take things slow. Thanks for your thoughts. I don't think being physical with a girl early on or later would really affect how how interested I am in her or how I view her. Honestly I'm a one woman guy, if things do progress at a slow (if not fast) and steady pace - I would still like to continue pursuing her/seeing her. As for taking things slow. As long as your dates are fun and you're getting to know each other, you're already off on a great start. I think the whole ordeal/misconception about giving it up too early is the other party loses interest because the chase is over. But then again sometimes people use sex as a way of sealing the deal for a relationship. It's up to you, do what you want.
BobSacamento Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 That's a load of cr@p, if a guy is interested in a girl and not just in sleeping with her, he won't think any less of her if he is invited in and doesn't get laid than he would if he slept with her. Granted I'm a girl, but of all my guy friends/bf the vast majority are not that shallow and pathetic. Maybe they are that desperate. I, on the other hand, will not waste my time with women who send mixed signals.
BobSacamento Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 This is true. It's happened to me on first dates. I see it as a sign that I've made them comfortable enough to trust me. Did you make a move?
westernxer Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Did you make a move? Only if the vibe was present. Sometimes they just wanted to talk, which was actually nice. I'm totally into the connection thing.
Author skjd1220 Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Well, maybe it wasn't a mistake not to ask him in....I sent him a text this afternoon and he didn't respond. He other was annoyed that I didn't invite him in, but it's not like he asked and I said no. Or it could just be that he wasn't feeling it anyhow and wouldn't have responded no matter what happened. Dating sucks.
BobSacamento Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Only if the vibe was present. Sometimes they just wanted to talk, which was actually nice. I'm totally into the connection thing. I guess I can understand that. I just figure by the end of the date, I'd be sick of talking.
westernxer Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I just figure by the end of the date, I'd be sick of talking. That's true. LOL
RA1 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Maybe they are that desperate. I, on the other hand, will not waste my time with women who send mixed signals. I don't think the OP sent any mixed signals after the second date when she refrained from inviting him in explicitly, but instead offered him a water or pop for his journey. Seems to me, that that she sent a perfectly clear signal that he was invited in but that he was not to treat it as code for an invitation to sex. Had he accepted the offer of a water, sex may or may not have taken place depending on the mood of both people. I think OP said exactly the right thing assuming she was not sure in her own mind whether or not she wanted anything more to happen. If the guy wanted an opportunity for anything more, I think he was a bit slow on the uptake because he should have accepted the offer of a water whether he wanted one or not! Anyway, what's wrong with mixed signals. I don't like game playing myself but if a woman is indicating she wants to see more of you but she is not sure YET if she wants sex with you, what is wrong with that?
RA1 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Well, maybe it wasn't a mistake not to ask him in....I sent him a text this afternoon and he didn't respond. He other was annoyed that I didn't invite him in, but it's not like he asked and I said no. Or it could just be that he wasn't feeling it anyhow and wouldn't have responded no matter what happened. Dating sucks. I think you said just the right thing! Three possibilities regarding him: (1) He was slow on the uptake when he turned down the offer of a water - he didn't recognize it as an invitation in or to spend a bit more time with you. (2) He positively didn't want anything more to happen (that night at least) so declined the offer of a water. (3) He saw the opportunity in your offer but thought he would demonstrate he was a gentleman by not taking advantage of it. Anyway, to say it again, you said exactly the right thing!
RA1 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I just figure by the end of the date, I'd be sick of talking. Wow, seems you date only for sex and that you are not even prepared to spend one or two evenings talking before you expect it! I have to say, my experience is that most women decide within 1 to 5 dates whether they want sex with me but if I was interested in someone I wouldn't cut them off at some arbitrary number of dates. There's also the possibility of making a platonic woman friend and I wouldn't want to exclude that possibility either.
BobSacamento Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I don't think the OP sent any mixed signals after the second date when she refrained from inviting him in explicitly, but instead offered him a water or pop for his journey. Seems to me, that that she sent a perfectly clear signal that he was invited in but that he was not to treat it as code for an invitation to sex. Had he accepted the offer of a water, sex may or may not have taken place depending on the mood of both people. I think OP said exactly the right thing assuming she was not sure in her own mind whether or not she wanted anything more to happen. If the guy wanted an opportunity for anything more, I think he was a bit slow on the uptake because he should have accepted the offer of a water whether he wanted one or not! Anyway, what's wrong with mixed signals. I don't like game playing myself but if a woman is indicating she wants to see more of you but she is not sure YET if she wants sex with you, what is wrong with that? Yeah your confused. My statement wasn't for the OP.
BobSacamento Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Wow, seems you date only for sex and that you are not even prepared to spend one or two evenings talking before you expect it! I'd love to hear how you came to that assumption.
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