BigBubbs Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I'm a single father who has a five year old daughter that I have 50% of the time. I've been dating a single mother of 2 teenagers for about a year and a half. We were even at the point of talking about moving in together. Another bit of background is this lady has been involved in several abusive relationships and therefore has low self esteem, and is very shy and quiet. During our relationship anytime we have had arguments her natural reaction has been to give an ultimatum of "take it or leave" rather then engage in serious conversation. Rewind to last Sunday. I had just a horrible day with the ex at my daughter's birthday and really felt I needed to talk to her. She had said her daughter was sick and couldn't and after waiting a couple hours for her to call she sent a text and said we would talk in the morning. I was frustrated so I called and told her that it bothered me that I didn't feel she could squeeze in a short conversation for me. She immediately got very upset and blew me off the phone by giving me another ultimatum. This time I didn't immediately buckle and start apologizing but instead just agreed for her to get off the phone and give me a call when she was ready to talk. After that I didn't contact her at all and on Thursday she sent me a text for me to give her a good time to call. I didn't respond to the text but called Friday night. She then quite calmly said she needed to end it between us (because of Sunday). I didn't argue but simply agreed and wished her well. This seemed to surprise her and she said a few not so nice things. But I again wished her well and hung up. She then texted me an hour later asking about some stuff to return to her. I replied and said I would send everything to her. She then called this morning asking about more stuff and we had a short friendly conversation. My problem is I am in love with this lady and want her back, but I don't know if she will be able to bring herself to contact me again. What do I do? I don't want to run back to her because that's what has always happened (although we've never actually broken up before) but I feel the No Contact will certainly put nail in the coffin. Any comments or suggestion would be very much appreciated.
mark982 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 the more you go running back,the more power you give her. if she don't text,or call it wasn't meant to be. not much else you can do.
Danielle46 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I think the main issue here is the fact that she has been in abusive relationships in the past. This can have an huge influence on people. She probably has major trust issues, not to mention, she is probably completely afraid of any sort of confrontation. You see it as having a simple, serious, conversation. She sees it as potential abuse and an ego break down. From the info you have given, this seems to be all she knows. She struggles with the ability to trust anyone, even good people. She doesn't know any different. There is, more than likely, a lot of mental "handicaps" with her when it comes to relationships. I dont think it has to do with the love she has for you, but more with her trying to protect herself. She has been through a lot and is just now learning (or coming to the realization) that she can fight for herself and become the dominant being. It's always very difficult to figure out what damage abuse has done to one's own being. Some people learn to deal with it very well and other's it affects for a lifetime. She needs help...maybe even professional. (Though she may not admit/realize this). It's hard to give advice in a situation such as this...it's very complicated. I wish you the best of luck...just always bear in mind what she has endured and how very catastrophic this can be to someones being and self esteem.
Starshine Black Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 First off my friend I'm truly sorry you are faced with the dilemma of losing someone you love. There's never any easy way to go about it. It truly sounds as if she is emotionally detached from reality as a result of the abuse. Most likely she retreated into her own head throughout these abusive relationships, and now she has convinced herself that she doesn't need anyone or anything. So when you argue, it reminds her of the past (NOT YOUR FAULT), and thus, it shuts her off. There's little you can do other than try to support her INTO seeing a councilor with you. She has to face the demons and find a way to open up again. This isn't, won't be, and never was your fault.
Author BigBubbs Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Thanks for the advice. Given the background though should I contact her or just leave it? I just don't know if she can allow herself to chase anyone, but as I said I love her and really would like to continue being with her. I just know I can't be with her under the current 1 strike your out policy.
Danielle46 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I understand where you are coming from... there is obviously a communication barrier between you and her...and I think it stems from the abuse. She is backed into a corner when it comes to trust in a relationship. As bad as she may want to be able to just open up to you and talk about everything, I think that because of her past, her automatic response is to just shut you out. It's really a difficult situation to give advice on. Maybe she should seek professional help. I don't like when people throw around that kind of advice, like everybody who's going through something needs a psychologist...but in a situation like this where abuse is present, it may be the answer. Abusive relationships can really damage a person as a human being...which Im sure you have seen. Possibly, if she speaks with someone who specializes on helping abused people cope and learn to deal with their emotions, then you will have a better shot of being able to communicate with her and not just "get the boot" everytime you have a small disagreement. Sometimes this is just the way people deal with things. They run from the stress and think that if they don't address it that it won't bother them anymore and that they can just wait out the rough time. This isn't true though...eventually it catches up with them and they see that the only thing they did was prolong the pain and suffering. You have to address your issues at some point, or be ready to live with the regret that you never did. It's hard to say which road she is taking because I don't know what kind of effect the abuse had on her. Either way though, she needs help in learning how to deal with her emotions and cope with her feelings, whether that means you can be of help or someone educated in the field. I know this is very difficult for you and I can't imagine being in your situation, but I do wish you the best of luck with everything. I know that no matter who you are or what you're enduring, it's very hard to just know what to do... I'm going through something myself right now and it's a tog-o-war between my emotions and what I need to do for myself. You never want to lose the person you love so dearly, but when they put you in a situation like this time and again, eventually you have to take a stand for yourself and show them that you have the strength to carry on. This usually always elicits a response from them and makes them think twice about what they're potentially losing by the decisions they have made. It's very true that we don't know what we have until it's gone...and it's unfortunate that sometimes its too late to get it back. I hope that she (and my bf) both realize how much you and I care for them and love them. I hope you and her can work everything out...I really do. I know the pain of losing the one you love and I don't want that for either one of us. If you dont mind, I'd like your opinion on something: If you realized that you had made a mistake by breaking up with someone and that you really love them and want to be with them, would you (as a man) do everything you could to try to win her back?
hopesndreams Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 You are doing the right thing. No one should be treated the way you are being treated. It has to end, full stop. She has to be the one to come to the realization that you won't put up with her cr*p, and the only way to do that is go the distance. Get her stuff together, send it to her, drop it off, whatever and go NC. This woman needs to swallow her pride in order to get back with you. If she does manage to do that, she will think twice about treating you badly in future. You fear she will just accept the break-up? If she truly loves you, she won't. She will do what needs to be done to get the relationship running again. If you give in to her now, just accept and expect things won't change. Don't allow the fact that because she was in previous abusive relationships, she can do whatever she pleases to "protect" herself. It's just a handy excuse for her horrible treatment of you. That tidbit of info has come from a former abused woman, me.
Author BigBubbs Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Guys by nature are all about fixing things. If a guy truly loves you and is afraid of losing you forever he WILL absolutely do almost anything to make it work. If he has made a mistake and broke up with someone prematurely and if he misses that person badly enough he will be compelled to try to get her back. I haven't had a chance to read through your original post but in regards to the question you are asking I know that guys want to make things right for them. Unfortunately if he feels you will be sitting there waiting for him whenever he decides to return then he won't feel he needs to rush or put the effort in. The only other reason he would is if he genuinely really missed you. I appreciate the comments you have made for me and will now read your original post. Do you think I should leave my ex be or contact her again?
Danielle46 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I think that because you have already tried the whole contact thing, the move to make now is to let her come to you. She will hit a wall and realize what she's losing. I know I would. But just like the advice you gave me, you cant let her think you'll be sitting there waiting...because she will prolong this whole situation. She needs the kick in the butt thought in her head that she may really lose you forever if she doesn't get her act together. That's what I'm going for in my situation as well. People sometimes really need to see the consequences of their actions before they know the appropriate move to make.
Author BigBubbs Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Part of me feels really badly walking away from someone that really needs and deserves the love. Does anyone else feel very frustrated that they can be with someone and love almost everything about them. Yet there is this small part of the person that makes it impossible to be with them. I hate it and it hurts like hell that I have to walk away and give up, but I know I need to for my own health.
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