Author Sanafa Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I understand completely. Love is a funny thing and so is the truth. If you approach her half the people will say you did it out of revenge and the other half will say she is owed the truth. My thoughts are that if she wants it badly enough she will come to you for it. Then, give her all of it! He will be back if he can calm her down and you allow him back. If you have conditions he may jump through hoops and then again he may not. Just be sure you get what you need. As yes, the infamous return and breaking of NC, some say up to a year. You know, I can only assume how I would handle it - Honestly, we had a long sit down talk prior to going NC. We fully agreed that he needs to commit 100% to working on the marriage and working to truly see if it can succeed. I have been very clear that we could not move forward " as is" that I will never again be the OW and that if down the road they decide it is unrecoverable I would visit it then. I don't know, we have been through a great deal as well and the challenges would be great, as well he would have to be out of the house... and I don't mean out and calling. I mean out and learning how to live on his own - we cannot have what we had, and IF it is even remotely possible.... it is a new relationship built all over, and the right way. I also think it will take a while for either to truly decide, and let's face it a marriage of 25 years should be taking seriously as should any decisions regarding it. We have had no communication for 3 weeks..... I do have to send a business cheque to his office tomorrow - but I am hoping he will respect that without a note or email, it is simply that.
White Flower Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 As yes, the infamous return and breaking of NC, some say up to a year. You know, I can only assume how I would handle it - Honestly, we had a long sit down talk prior to going NC. We fully agreed that he needs to commit 100% to working on the marriage and working to truly see if it can succeed. I have been very clear that we could not move forward " as is" that I will never again be the OW and that if down the road they decide it is unrecoverable I would visit it then. I don't know, we have been through a great deal as well and the challenges would be great, as well he would have to be out of the house... and I don't mean out and calling. I mean out and learning how to live on his own - we cannot have what we had, and IF it is even remotely possible.... it is a new relationship built all over, and the right way. I also think it will take a while for either to truly decide, and let's face it a marriage of 25 years should be taking seriously as should any decisions regarding it. We have had no communication for 3 weeks..... I do have to send a business cheque to his office tomorrow - but I am hoping he will respect that without a note or email, it is simply that. It must be frustrating to know the truth and know that he has said he is working 100% to fixing his M yet is withholding important information that his W needs to know in order to decide if it's worth working on at all. So frustrating! Good luck with your NC and figuring it all out.
Gamine Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 As yes, the infamous return and breaking of NC, some say up to a year. You know, I can only assume how I would handle it - Honestly, we had a long sit down talk prior to going NC. We fully agreed that he needs to commit 100% to working on the marriage and working to truly see if it can succeed. I have been very clear that we could not move forward " as is" that I will never again be the OW and that if down the road they decide it is unrecoverable I would visit it then. I don't know, we have been through a great deal as well and the challenges would be great, as well he would have to be out of the house... and I don't mean out and calling. I mean out and learning how to live on his own - we cannot have what we had, and IF it is even remotely possible.... it is a new relationship built all over, and the right way. I also think it will take a while for either to truly decide, and let's face it a marriage of 25 years should be taking seriously as should any decisions regarding it. We have had no communication for 3 weeks..... I do have to send a business cheque to his office tomorrow - but I am hoping he will respect that without a note or email, it is simply that. It can be empty and exhausting having someone 'need you' to keep themselves going. I his case he needed two women just to meet his needs. That would be a job I couldn't handle nor would I want. Because neediness comes from a place of being incapable of handling oneself. A less glamorous job I could hardly imagine. And while having to take care of a small portion of his neediness was 'doable' and quite alright... taking on the whole enchilada might be downright exhausting and far from sexy. So when having any angst over being able to maintain NC contemplate the totality of him. That should take care of it for ya...
Author Sanafa Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 It can be empty and exhausting having someone 'need you' to keep themselves going. I his case he needed two women just to meet his needs. That would be a job I couldn't handle nor would I want. Because neediness comes from a place of being incapable of handling oneself. A less glamorous job I could hardly imagine. And while having to take care of a small portion of his neediness was 'doable' and quite alright... taking on the whole enchilada might be downright exhausting and far from sexy. So when having any angst over being able to maintain NC contemplate the totality of him. That should take care of it for ya... Perhaps if as most think our affair was all about "fun".... I wish it had been. It was real, we dealt with things day to day and in fact probably far more strained because a first affair for both and both believe it or not struggle regularly with it. I said, I regret hurting people, but I am pass trying to justify loving him.... as you know it is never easy and we were never the ones to take the good and leave the bad.... we supported each other daily and sadly that is the biggest challenge.... not the sex.... the friend. I am ok, and not tittering ( right now) comfortable with the decision and do believe it is best but I also won't do the " I would never" ( much like I would never stay if he cheated or I would never get in affair) If anything I have realized never is a long time and often we end up eating our words. I am moving forward because " we" as we "were" is over and I am not looking or expecting a future --- If that happens it will be new and different in many ways. No going back.
Devil Inside Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 Perhaps if as most think our affair was all about "fun".... I wish it had been. It was real, we dealt with things day to day and in fact probably far more strained because a first affair for both and both believe it or not struggle regularly with it. I said, I regret hurting people, but I am pass trying to justify loving him.... as you know it is never easy and we were never the ones to take the good and leave the bad.... we supported each other daily and sadly that is the biggest challenge.... not the sex.... the friend. I am ok, and not tittering ( right now) comfortable with the decision and do believe it is best but I also won't do the " I would never" ( much like I would never stay if he cheated or I would never get in affair) If anything I have realized never is a long time and often we end up eating our words. I am moving forward because " we" as we "were" is over and I am not looking or expecting a future --- If that happens it will be new and different in many ways. No going back. I can hear the pain in those words. No matter how much we try to dissect it...these relationships are never simple or easy. Just a reminder to us all...only get involved with available partners.
Author Sanafa Posted August 18, 2009 Author Posted August 18, 2009 I can hear the pain in those words. No matter how much we try to dissect it...these relationships are never simple or easy. Just a reminder to us all...only get involved with available partners. Indeed...... a great deal of pain, missing him and sprinkled with guilt and occassionally anger. It has been hell, for sure. But I also know deep down I did love him, he did love me and right or wrong I won't continue to tarnish it. What we had was amazing, and it was more than I would ever hoped for.... if I never experience it again.... that is ok - but I will not turn it into something evil. We made mistakes, and I certainly wouldn't recommend it as you know... it always leads to pain one way or another. But I do love him and support "them" believe it or not...... as they are aan extension of him, and that is really all that is important. Loving someone often times means letting them go..... and it goes both ways as I see many ( maybe not here) BS trying to get their WH back with manipulation and games.... If you love someone, with a true respect for them, sometimes letting them go to be happy or to grow and find it - is the biggest gift you can give them.
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