Thoughts

[Sanafa]

Ok, something has really been eating at me. I have been working to understand myself, the why's...blah blah blah

 

And the other day when I was reading, someone suggested that if their husband had unprotected sex..... that would change things.

 

I responded saying I know for a fact my MM has continued to lie about two things, the length and the Sex.

 

Why am I feeling like I should make this right ( where is the banging head again)

 

I feel like this woman has been through so much, yet still he is keeping two pieces of information from her.

 

Do I tell her? I have read so many opposing views about communication and I always said I would always be empathetic if she choose to speak to me ( meaning I would not intentionally try to hurt her) and that I would never contact her on my own.

 

God, for once I just feel like I need to do the right thing.... not for me or for him....but for her, but I can argue both sides and can't come to a conclusion in my mind.

 

What is it, do I tell her early on while she is still coping with the big picture of it all? Do I not say a word or do I hope he finds his trickle truth? The problem with the last is it seems to send the BS right back to square one....I think she has been through enough and doesn't need someone to set her back after a year or so of time.

[Devil Inside]

If I were you I not would say anything, unless you know that you had an STD or were pregnant.

[Sanafa]

If I were you I not would say anything, unless you know that you had an STD or were pregnant.

 

Neither.... we were both tested prior to engaging in unprotected sex.

 

I just feel like yet again, a question she clearly asked..... is lied to and yes, I think much of it has to do with I am really feeling bad and guilty and don't want to see anymore hurt.....especially for her.

 

But I argue with telling people things out of guilt....hence really am I wrong to stay silent and do I need to own up or do I go with my initial...... not talking unless I am approached.

[Devil Inside]

Neither.... we were both tested prior to engaging in unprotected sex.

 

I just feel like yet again, a question she clearly asked..... is lied to and yes, I think much of it has to do with I am really feeling bad and guilty and don't want to see anymore hurt.....especially for her.

 

But I argue with telling people things out of guilt....hence really am I wrong to stay silent and do I need to own up or do I go with my initial...... not talking unless I am approached.

 

I can see arguments for both sides. I, personally, in your situation, would just stick to your initial strategy in not saying anything unless approached. That information, coming from you, not sure if it would help or hurt more. As it stands, he betrayed her, if she can't get over that, then it doesn't matter if she has this additional information.

[SidLyon]

Ok, something has really been eating at me. I have been working to understand myself, the why's...blah blah blah

 

And the other day when I was reading, someone suggested that if their husband had unprotected sex..... that would change things.

 

I responded saying I know for a fact my MM has continued to lie about two things, the length and the Sex.

 

Why am I feeling like I should make this right ( where is the banging head again)

 

I feel like this woman has been through so much, yet still he is keeping two pieces of information from her.

 

Do I tell her? I have read so many opposing views about communication and I always said I would always be empathetic if she choose to speak to me ( meaning I would not intentionally try to hurt her) and that I would never contact her on my own.

 

God, for once I just feel like I need to do the right thing.... not for me or for him....but for her, but I can argue both sides and can't come to a conclusion in my mind.

 

What is it, do I tell her early on while she is still coping with the big picture of it all? Do I not say a word or do I hope he finds his trickle truth? The problem with the last is it seems to send the BS right back to square one....I think she has been through enough and doesn't need someone to set her back after a year or so of time.

 

I think the truth is always best - your reasons are irrelevant. It would be best coming from him.

 

S

[jj33]

Sanafa I dont think its YOUR truth to tell. How do you know what he is telling his W other than what he tells you.

 

Im afraid I dont know your story but if the A is over and he is trying to reconcile the information needs to come from him. And if that is the case how do you even know what he is saying? Is he telling you? If so then you dont know for sure what he is saying.

 

As you said different people will say different things about telling but if he is going to reconcile his marriage its for him to tell not for you to intervene in the process. Its his marriage.

[tami-chan]

I agree with jj33 and Devil Inside. It is not your truth to come clean.

[Gamine]

Sanafa, if your reasons for disclosing the true facts come from a point of love then yes I would. If it is about helping his wife then yes... without hesitation. While the information you would provide might create tremendous discord between them it is information that may be crucial to another person's life. What I do in situations like this is... I put myself in their shoes. Sometimes the act of relinquishment can only come when the desire to control has ended. The decisions and choices she makes in her own life, their marriage and ways she can perhaps help him with his life (if indeed he requires help) can be based on reality and truth or deception.

 

How would you have it for yourself?

 

Truth is a bitter pill at times, but is the only reality.

[Sanafa]

Thanks everyone.

 

I know the concern is coming from the right place, and it is for her - not us. In fact, If I make that decision, it will leave a bitter taste in MM's mouth, no question.

 

I am confident that he has been honest with me and I know he has not shared those two items. What I don't know is if somewhere done the road in councilling he will choose to get honest.

 

I really don't know what to do, and I need to make sure this isn't the guilt playing with my head.

 

I will hold off a bit and see if my perception changes at all.... I have come to realize that doing anything without thinking it through helps no one and I also wonder if I do tell her, if she will believe me. I know that is hers, but if I am going to add to her situation, I have to be fairly confident she will actually believe what I say.

[Gamine]

Thanks everyone.

 

I know the concern is coming from the right place, and it is for her - not us. In fact, If I make that decision, it will leave a bitter taste in MM's mouth, no question.

 

I am confident that he has been honest with me and I know he has not shared those two items. What I don't know is if somewhere done the road in councilling he will choose to get honest.

 

I really don't know what to do, and I need to make sure this isn't the guilt playing with my head.

 

I will hold off a bit and see if my perception changes at all.... I have come to realize that doing anything without thinking it through helps no one and I also wonder if I do tell her, if she will believe me. I know that is hers, but if I am going to add to her situation, I have to be fairly confident she will actually believe what I say.

 

I believe that a burning desire to do what is just can be a very good sign in one's life. And for that I applaud you. Doing the right thing is sometimes painful but cleansing at the same time. It is almost like giving up the final piece of baggage that may be tied to us. You don't need to have any guilt and carrying this guilt may not be good for you in the long term.

[StoptheDrama]

This brings to mind the old saying "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions"... As admirable as your concern for her is, telling her the truth could quite possibly only cause her additional pain as well as put you in a place where you really don't want to be...

[jj33]

Sanafa excuse me for not remembering your story but if hte A is over, then WHY do you know what he told his W? And HOW will you know what happens in counseling?

 

if the A is truly over and he is supposed to be working on his M, then he should not be discussing all this with you. Indeed he should be NC.

 

For you to go there and say MM has told me he told you x, when in fact the truth is y... its really not good.

 

Once again it is you and he being a united front (much as you are telling her information he would not want you to divulge) you are saying MM and I discuss what he tells you and I am monitoring the situation, I am the one with the control here and lucky you, I am letting you in on information that I believe you should have.

 

Not that this is your intention, but once again his W is the one in the cold and you are the one with the answers, and her Hs ear. He has conspired with you (without your consent but cant think of a better way to describe it) by confiding this in you.

 

If hes really working on his M tell him to get on with it and not report back. That is SO disrespectful to his W. And shows hes not serious about the M.

 

If you are waiting in the wings to see what happens with the M, then you are not an impartial reporter even if your intentions are good.

 

its not your marriage, its not your news to tell. And the situation is NOT something you should be monitoring. Its between the 2 of them. Its just SO wrong of him to be giving you updates on the gory details of their reconciliation if that is in fact what it is.

[Sanafa]

Sanafa excuse me for not remembering your story but if hte A is over, then WHY do you know what he told his W? And HOW will you know what happens in counseling?

 

if the A is truly over and he is supposed to be working on his M, then he should not be discussing all this with you. Indeed he should be NC.

 

For you to go there and say MM has told me he told you x, when in fact the truth is y... its really not good.

 

Once again it is you and he being a united front (much as you are telling her information he would not want you to divulge) you are saying MM and I discuss what he tells you and I am monitoring the situation, I am the one with the control here and lucky you, I am letting you in on information that I believe you should have.

 

Not that this is your intention, but once again his W is the one in the cold and you are the one with the answers, and her Hs ear. He has conspired with you (without your consent but cant think of a better way to describe it) by confiding this in you.

 

If hes really working on his M tell him to get on with it and not report back. That is SO disrespectful to his W. And shows hes not serious about the M.

 

If you are waiting in the wings to see what happens with the M, then you are not an impartial reporter even if your intentions are good.

 

its not your marriage, its not your news to tell. And the situation is NOT something you should be monitoring. Its between the 2 of them. Its just SO wrong of him to be giving you updates on the gory details of their reconciliation if that is in fact what it is.

 

 

JJ, I appreciate your perspective but did you read my initial post? I am curious because twice in this thread I have said I know from DDay that those two items were the two he had no intention of coming clean from.

 

I also state twice that I am unsure if he will finally tell her the truth in MC further down the road ( so no, we are not talking).

 

I have decide to sit on it, my concern was that sitting in marriage councilling pretending to be honest is counter productive and because I am feeling a great deal of guilt for the W and the pain we together caused I was questioning if I should respect her enough for full disclosure.

[jj33]

Yes I did read your inital post and the fact that you had a D day doesnt mean that the A is still not ongoing.

 

And again if the A is over and you are still in touch and you know what is going on then what are you doing? He is making you his confidante which is not right.

 

If you arent in touch now, he may have told you at D day he had no intention of telling her everything but you have NO idea of what happened after that. And I am shocked that you think that its your job to police what he says to his W. You dont know that he told you on day 1 he was never going to tell her and that he subsequently did.

 

if the A is over, then I dont understand your preoccupatoin with what he says in MC. That is between him and his W. None of your business. It seems odd to me that you would feel the right or the interest in charging in and "telling" on him.

 

You still havent answered the question. Are you in touch now? Or are you not. If you are then you are still in an EA. If you arent, then you need to detach.

 

Since you are talking about "us" Im doing it for her not "us" I suspect you are still in touch.

 

"I know the concern is coming from the right place, and it is for her - not us. In fact, If I make that decision, it will leave a bitter taste in MM's mouth, no question."

 

No no no. If your concern was for "her" there would no longer be an "us".

 

So what are you going to say. He told me he wasnt going to tell you but you need to know x? It smacks of someone trying to hurt her or give her information that will cause her to detach from him. If you REALLY supported the idea of him to work on his marriage, you wouldnt be in this sort of contact with him, you wouldnt know these things.

 

And since you are, your motives cant be clean.

[Sanafa]

Yes I did read your inital post and the fact that you had a D day doesnt mean that the A is still not ongoing.

 

And again if the A is over and you are still in touch and you know what is going on then what are you doing? He is making you his confidante which is not right.

 

If you arent in touch now, he may have told you at D day he had no intention of telling her everything but you have NO idea of what happened after that. And I am shocked that you think that its your job to police what he says to his W. You dont know that he told you on day 1 he was never going to tell her and that he subsequently did.

 

if the A is over, then I dont understand your preoccupatoin with what he says in MC. That is between him and his W. None of your business. It seems odd to me that you would feel the right or the interest in charging in and "telling" on him.

 

You still havent answered the question. Are you in touch now? Or are you not. If you are then you are still in an EA. If you arent, then you need to detach.

 

Since you are talking about "us" Im doing it for her not "us" I suspect you are still in touch.

 

"I know the concern is coming from the right place, and it is for her - not us. In fact, If I make that decision, it will leave a bitter taste in MM's mouth, no question."

 

No no no. If your concern was for "her" there would no longer be an "us".

 

So what are you going to say. He told me he wasnt going to tell you but you need to know x? It smacks of someone trying to hurt her or give her information that will cause her to detach from him. If you REALLY supported the idea of him to work on his marriage, you wouldnt be in this sort of contact with him, you wouldnt know these things.

 

And since you are, your motives cant be clean.

 

Really? You read my posts... are you sure?

 

I said in the first I had no idea if it would come out in "trickle truth"... HENCE, we are not speaking..... HENCE not knowing.

 

When I referred to "us" I referred that is of NO benifit to either of us, and in fact would not sit well with MM.... Hence, if I wanted to stay connected that would NOT be the way to do it.

 

And lastly, I posted this " What I don't know is if somewhere done the road in councilling he will choose to get honest"

 

again, more than suggesting we are not talking...as I won't know.

 

Why is it my problem? Because as everyone says here there were two people in that affair, I have to own that and whether you believe it or not, I questioned if it would be better to be honest regardless of knowing whether MM got honest or not.

 

Please stop telling me what I "would or wouldn't know"... extremly presumptious and It is irritating. We were in contact for over 2 weeks after DDay, which I have mentioned several times..... if you are unsure of the facts, please don't assume.

 

Regardless, it is funny that the BS are saying politely tell her and the my camp is asking my postion.

 

As an OW..... I would suggest to another if she was still clinging on to a future that she not piss in the pool ( translation... if I truly believed we were going to move forward at sometime the last thing that would benifit "me" or "us" would be getting honest.)

 

Regardless of that, i was simply asking opinions and not asking for someone to attempt to analyze me. As I said earlier today I am unsure and will not make any decision quickly.

 

As for hurting her, I guess there is no difference...she has been told and she has all the facts or she is told in trickle truth which apparently will set her back or I tell her kindly...... regardless, my position is the truth is out, and she is making decisions based on the truth yet specifically asked to questions and was lied to. To me I consider the hypocrisy of trying to rebuild starting with lies.

 

Again, reflection on my guilt of W( as I said in the original post) and I also said it may pass... perhaps you can tell me if it will or it won't?

[jj33]

Well. That was a snappy little response. I think thou doth protestest too much. Your post was not a model of clarity or I wouldnt have asked those questions.

 

If you arent in touch with him I cant imagine how your "perception" of would change - and since you wouldnt know what he decided to tell her, it seems v self righteous to even think of marching in and telling his W anything.

 

Best of luck to you. I hope it all works out.

[Sanafa]

Well. That was a snappy little response. I think thou doth protestest too much. Your post was not a model of clarity or I wouldnt have asked those questions.

 

If you arent in touch with him I cant imagine how your "perception" of would change - and since you wouldnt know what he decided to tell her, it seems v self righteous to even think of marching in and telling his W anything.

 

Best of luck to you. I hope it all works out.

 

Of course it was snappy... you didn't ask questions, you made assumptions with a question ending the assumption.

 

And yet again, no opinion, simply "judgement"..... no one would march in... that isn't exactly how we have dealt with anything.

 

where did I say my "perception" has changed? I always felt bad for the situation we presented her....so perhaps clarity is both ways?

[jj33]

You asked if I thought the guilt would pass. I wouldnt know as I didnt have any guilt she knew, knew me didnt care. We are always polite and cordial when we see each other.

[tami-chan]

Hi Sanafa! let me ask you something from your original post, and if you have responded to the same questions already, put me in place, ok?

 

....the other day when I was reading, someone suggested that if their husband had unprotected sex..... that would change things.

 

What things do YOU think would change if you tell the BS about the "unprotected sex"? How do you think would the change affect you? your xMM? the BS? What is the greater good?

 

Do I tell her? I have read so many opposing views about communication and I always said I would always be empathetic if she choose to speak to me ( meaning I would not intentionally try to hurt her) and that I would never contact her on my own.

 

What is it, do I tell her early on while she is still coping with the big picture of it all? Do I not say a word or do I hope he finds his trickle truth?

 

I think you have the answer....(see above quote from you). You will tell the truth if ask, IF she comes to you and asks.

[White Flower]

Ok, something has really been eating at me. I have been working to understand myself, the why's...blah blah blah

 

And the other day when I was reading, someone suggested that if their husband had unprotected sex..... that would change things.

 

I responded saying I know for a fact my MM has continued to lie about two things, the length and the Sex.

 

Why am I feeling like I should make this right ( where is the banging head again)

 

I feel like this woman has been through so much, yet still he is keeping two pieces of information from her.

 

Do I tell her? I have read so many opposing views about communication and I always said I would always be empathetic if she choose to speak to me ( meaning I would not intentionally try to hurt her) and that I would never contact her on my own.

 

God, for once I just feel like I need to do the right thing.... not for me or for him....but for her, but I can argue both sides and can't come to a conclusion in my mind.

 

What is it, do I tell her early on while she is still coping with the big picture of it all? Do I not say a word or do I hope he finds his trickle truth? The problem with the last is it seems to send the BS right back to square one....I think she has been through enough and doesn't need someone to set her back after a year or so of time.

I'm sorry for not reading the whole thread. I get a little distracted if I see any bickering.

 

Did the BW ask you these questions up front, or did your exMM tell you she asked these questions?

[Sanafa]

Hi Sanafa! let me ask you something from your original post, and if you have responded to the same questions already, put me in place, ok?.

 

Sorry.... am I coming off as grumpy:o

 

You know... I never gave it much thought until it was raised to be a big deal in another thread.... then I started thinking, she has put up with so much, does she not deserve to go into MC with no lies.

 

 

and you are right... I thought I had my answer but was simply asking for opinions.

 

It has been a tough weekend..... I was really feeling her pain yesterday.... and today I am just tired of carrying it all.

 

I don't regret the affair (that won't be popular)... I do regret hurting people but I am also tired about picking the affair apart to represent nothing more than negative.

 

Messed up... I know.

[White Flower]

Sorry.... am I coming off as grumpy:o

 

You know... I never gave it much thought until it was raised to be a big deal in another thread.... then I started thinking, she has put up with so much, does she not deserve to go into MC with no lies.

 

 

and you are right... I thought I had my answer but was simply asking for opinions.

 

It has been a tough weekend..... I was really feeling her pain yesterday.... and today I am just tired of carrying it all.

 

I don't regret the affair (that won't be popular)... I do regret hurting people but I am also tired about picking the affair apart to represent nothing more than negative.

 

Messed up... I know.

Sometimes we can learn so much from 'messing up'. I'm sure you learned more than you expected.

[Sanafa]

I'm sorry for not reading the whole thread. I get a little distracted if I see any bickering.

 

Did the BW ask you these questions up front, or did your exMM tell you she asked these questions?

 

The only thing I know is that we went over what he told her prior to going NC ( almost 3 weeks now) and that he said he didn't share two things.... the truth of how long or the sex.

 

I have no idea if in the past three weeks he has shared.... and won't and that was part of the trouble I was having. I know him and would be extremely surprised if he shared that.

 

We pretty much discussed all that was disclosed ( trust me it was a LOT) and I don't see him changing that as we will eventually have to learn to deal with each other ( most likely all three of us) in the professional arena.

 

It has been easy to avoid during the summer, but fall is around the corner and we will be seeing each other.... that is a given, talking on the other hand is not as I have no desire to break NC with him.

 

I went out with a friend last night and we were talking and she said, you know he will be back... and you know I said to her.... I am not sure he would like my conditions anymore than he would like the W's.

 

Did I say my head is just a jumbled mess right now? Different than the DDay mess.... but a mess

[White Flower]

The only thing I know is that we went over what he told her prior to going NC ( almost 3 weeks now) and that he said he didn't share two things.... the truth of how long or the sex.

 

I have no idea if in the past three weeks he has shared.... and won't and that was part of the trouble I was having. I know him and would be extremely surprised if he shared that.

 

We pretty much discussed all that was disclosed ( trust me it was a LOT) and I don't see him changing that as we will eventually have to learn to deal with each other ( most likely all three of us) in the professional arena.

 

It has been easy to avoid during the summer, but fall is around the corner and we will be seeing each other.... that is a given, talking on the other hand is not as I have no desire to break NC with him.

 

I went out with a friend last night and we were talking and she said, you know he will be back... and you know I said to her.... I am not sure he would like my conditions anymore than he would like the W's.

 

Did I say my head is just a jumbled mess right now? Different than the DDay mess.... but a mess

I understand completely. Love is a funny thing and so is the truth.

 

If you approach her half the people will say you did it out of revenge and the other half will say she is owed the truth. My thoughts are that if she wants it badly enough she will come to you for it. Then, give her all of it!

 

He will be back if he can calm her down and you allow him back. If you have conditions he may jump through hoops and then again he may not. Just be sure you get what you need.

[fooled once]

I think a good counselor would ASK those questions of him and being as he has already come clean about the affair, he may just as well come clean himself those things.

 

If I were you - i would just sit on it. It is their marriage, their MC and their issues to work out.