Ebby Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Well I don’t even know where to start. I’m in m y early 20’s and been in a relationship with a MM for about 2 yrs. He is over 20 yrs older than me and has children and grandchildren. When we meet initially we both weren’t looking for a serious relationship, just friends etc. He told me from the start he was married and at the time it didn’t ‘bother’ me. We spent loads of time together and he was there for me through loads of difficult times and in the end I fell in love with him. But the last few months things have changed. We just don’t see as much of each other as I got a new job in a different town and so had to move and he travels a lot with his job and last few months he’s just been more and more busier so less time to spend together. I’ve just been so fed up because I wanted to be with him all the time and when I told him this he said to me he wasn’t going to leave his wife etc – which I knew from the start. He said he realised that he couldn’t be there for me as much as I wanted and said he’d understand how I’m feeling but at the same time he would also be really hurt if I left him because he really loves me and cares about me and doesn’t want to lose me I still care about him and he means a lot to me because of all the things he’s done for me and been there for me but I’m not in love with him anymore. Even when we make love now I have no feelings and don’t even want to do it most of the time. I want to end that part of the relationship but still stay friends with him because I don’t know if I could cut him off completely from my life but every time I bring up the topic about us being apart he starts the whole thing of how he doesn’t want lose me etc and it just kills me because he genuinely looks hurt and it all ends up being teary and in the end I just find myself saying I won’t leave him etc …… even though deep down I want us just to be friends and not lovers. I’ve not met anyone else yet but I really want to be with someone who’s not attached and have a ‘proper’ relationship. I just want to be someone’s number 1 and not play second fiddle. It also hurts real bad when he’s at home with his wife and family and he doesn’t answer his phone when I call him, sometimes I’ll really be needing him. The other week a friend of mine and her bf spend a few days at my place and it really hit home what I was missing out. They were so happy together and all loved up and couldn’t keep their hands of each other and there I was on my own all feeling out of place, it made me so jealous – not in a nasty way just made me realise how happy I could be. I’m just so confused, I care about him so much that I’m scared to break up with him coz I’ll hurt him but if I stay with him I’m hurting. Do you think I should start dating then if I meet someone else it’ll be easier to let go? Or should I deal with this now before meeting someone else? And would it really work us just being friends – on my part I know I could because like I said I’m not in love with him anymore, just see him as a friend....
jj33 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Oh honey. You know what you have to do. HE doesnt want to lose you. HE would be hurt. HE plans to stay married to someone else and keep you on the side as his little secret. Well of course, you were born to martyr your life for him, forget about your needs, give up the best years of your life just so HE wouldnt be hurt even tho HE cant be there for you or give you a proper relationship. Sweetie this man deserves a big slap. He is severely taking advantage of you. Anyone who REALLy cared about you would encourage you to go out and live your life and NOT be so selfish as to want you to sacrifice your life for him. Sure he loves you but not as much as he loves himself. DUMP HIM. You can do this. Time to get your life back.
Devil Inside Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I think you know what you have to do. End things with this man and never have contact with him again. Give yourself some time to process what happened and the loss of the relationship and then get out there and find the person that will make you number one.
Author Ebby Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Oh honey. You know what you have to do. HE doesnt want to lose you. HE would be hurt. HE plans to stay married to someone else and keep you on the side as his little secret. Well of course, you were born to martyr your life for him, forget about your needs, give up the best years of your life just so HE wouldnt be hurt even tho HE cant be there for you or give you a proper relationship. Sweetie this man deserves a big slap. He is severely taking advantage of you. Anyone who REALLy cared about you would encourage you to go out and live your life and NOT be so selfish as to want you to sacrifice your life for him. Sure he loves you but not as much as he loves himself. DUMP HIM. You can do this. Time to get your life back. I wish it was that easy for me to do it. I think if the relationship hadn't got so emotional for me I'd find it much easier but it's so hard, and this may sound silly but it just fills me with guilt thinking I would hurt him if I broke it off. I think I just want to hear him say something like ''it's ok I understand if you want to be with someone else...we can just be firends'' It's just that he then always says ''but I will be hurt...don't want to lose you etc'' that's what makes it hard for me. I'm just so weak when it comes to standing up for myself wether be it love or just anything in general. I was stuck in a very unhappy relationship for over 3 years in my teens for the exact same reason that I couldnt break up with the OP because he too used to say the same things even though he knew I was unhappy. I'm seeing him sometime next week again and will have another talk with him and this time I'll try to be more firm with my decision but I don't know. One thing I know for sure is I'm never getting in a relationship with a married man, wether be it just friends or romance:(. My friends warned me I'd get hurt and they were right.
Author Ebby Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 I think you know what you have to do. End things with this man and never have contact with him again. Give yourself some time to process what happened and the loss of the relationship and then get out there and find the person that will make you number one. It'll be hard not have any contact with him at all, he's been there for me so much and I don't know if I could just shut him out of my life. If our relationship was just purely physical then yes I certainly could but there's just so much emotion. So you think finding someone else a the moment is not good idea? I sometimes think maybe if I did find someone else it'd make it easier to break up with him because I would have a solid 'reason' - can't really explain what I want to say but you get the idea.
Devil Inside Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 It'll be hard not have any contact with him at all, he's been there for me so much and I don't know if I could just shut him out of my life. If our relationship was just purely physical then yes I certainly could but there's just so much emotion. So you think finding someone else a the moment is not good idea? I sometimes think maybe if I did find someone else it'd make it easier to break up with him because I would have a solid 'reason' - can't really explain what I want to say but you get the idea. I know it's hard to end a friendship. My xOW broke things off with me, and it broke my heart. I found that I really missed the friendship, the support, and the understanding that we shared. However, how can you really go back to being friends. he may say he can...but he can't . he will always want more. I think moving into another relationship would not be a good idea. It wouldn't be fair to the next guy...because you would be seeing him to help you forget about this guy. I think it's best to wait.
jj33 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 This is a life lesson. You have to learn to stand up for yourself. This man is taking advantage of your submissive nature in the worst way. But only you can change that. Have you considered counselling? this is obviously a pattern in your life (not being able to stand up for yourself in relationships) and its a pattern you need to change now. If you dont look after yourself and value yourself, then noone else will. This man is not valuing you. He is too selfish and is putting his cake eating ways above your best interests. He is never going to "release" you - you need to release yourself.
fooled once Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I wish it was that easy for me to do it. I think if the relationship hadn't got so emotional for me I'd find it much easier but it's so hard, and this may sound silly but it just fills me with guilt thinking I would hurt him if I broke it off. I think I just want to hear him say something like ''it's ok I understand if you want to be with someone else...we can just be firends'' It's just that he then always says ''but I will be hurt...don't want to lose you etc'' that's what makes it hard for me. I'm just so weak when it comes to standing up for myself wether be it love or just anything in general. I was stuck in a very unhappy relationship for over 3 years in my teens for the exact same reason that I couldnt break up with the OP because he too used to say the same things even though he knew I was unhappy. I'm seeing him sometime next week again and will have another talk with him and this time I'll try to be more firm with my decision but I don't know. One thing I know for sure is I'm never getting in a relationship with a married man, wether be it just friends or romance:(. My friends warned me I'd get hurt and they were right. Honestly, there is nothing more unattractive than a weak woman. WHY in the world are you putting HIS needs before your own? I don't get that. He is married - has a wife and kids. He goes home and makes love to his wife. Yet --- you know this and still don't want to hurt him? What will hurt him is he won't have easy access to a girl who is probably his daughters age (ewwww) who is more than happy to lay down with him and make HIM feel young and sexy. STOP being a doormat and stand up for yourself. Really. That is the first thing you should do. Or continue to be his bedmate/doormat and watch your life pass you by as you sit and wait for him to come visit you and pay attention to you for 10 minutes.
fooled once Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 It'll be hard not have any contact with him at all, he's been there for me so much and I don't know if I could just shut him out of my life. If our relationship was just purely physical then yes I certainly could but there's just so much emotion. So you think finding someone else a the moment is not good idea? I sometimes think maybe if I did find someone else it'd make it easier to break up with him because I would have a solid 'reason' - can't really explain what I want to say but you get the idea. Do you not know how to be single? Do you need to jump from one man to the next to make you feel good? Why in the world would you jump from one bed to another without processing WHY these relationships ended and what you need to do to work on yourself?????? If you can't do that - then just LIE to him and tell him you met someone else you want to date. Geez -- why all the drama about it? You really need to work on yourself. Seriously - maybe go to counseling to see why you need a man in your life and why you can't stand up for what YOU want.
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Fooled, I hope you don't mind.. I think this poster would benefit from reading what you said on another thread.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2329699&postcount=63
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 End it because this guy is married, has kids, grandchildren and he's got his life set. He may love you, and care about you, but it isn't enough for him to throw away 20+ years of history with his wife, family, kids, extended family, inlaws, neighbours, - A WHOLE life built with someone already. To give that up for the unknown and for someone who is young and probably wants a family of her own (I take it you'd want him to have kids with you) isn't a decision he wants to make. He's happy having you as his OW. End it for your own sanity and be alone. Grow and enjoy life! Date and have fun but wait until the timing is better, last thing you want to do is get involved with a guy when you're not emotionally ready.
Author Ebby Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Thank you for all your replies. Everything that was said is true:( and I know the ball is in my court. About the counselling, I've considered it but don't know if it would work for me, though I'm willing to give it a go. Is there a way of getting free counselling without going through my GP (I'm in the UK)? I couldn't afford to see one privately.
fooled once Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Does your company have an Employee Assistance Program?
Author Ebby Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Does your company have an Employee Assistance Program? I'm not sure if there is anything like that for employees but I'll definatly enquire with HR about it. Thanks for the suggestion.
jj33 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Why dont you want to go to your GP? Just tell him your need to see a counsellor that you are having relatoinship problems that are interfering with your focus you dont have to tell your GP its an affair. I would do that much quicker than I would ask your HR. you dont want that on your permanent record and worry your employer that you are under such serious stress that it could impact your performance. Alcohol or drug problems, yes go to an EAP. Garden variety issues that you need IC for DONT get your employer involved.
Author Ebby Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Why dont you want to go to your GP? Just tell him your need to see a counsellor that you are having relatoinship problems that are interfering with your focus you dont have to tell your GP its an affair. I would do that much quicker than I would ask your HR. you dont want that on your permanent record and worry your employer that you are under such serious stress that it could impact your performance. Alcohol or drug problems, yes go to an EAP. Garden variety issues that you need IC for DONT get your employer involved. Yeah I've been thinking about it more and thought twice that it wasn't really good idea to go through work plus I had a look in my staff handbook and from wha I read, the only counselling they offer is if it's work related like pressure from your job making you stressed etc. I may be wrong but anyway won't go through work. I had a look on my local council website and they have centres where they offer free counselling for any issues, so I will get in touch with them. I haven't registered with a GP yet since I moved here, still registered with GP at my old town who I've never seen in the 4 years I lived there hence that's why I didn't consider that route.
Author Ebby Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Also wanted to say I have been reading through some of the threads on here and it's really helping me a lot. I really want things to change.
Lishy Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 He has trained you to rely on him - You dont love him or find him sexually attractive, you feel bad because he MAKES you feel bad, he is married and will not ever leave his wife, he is a old man compared to you, he is keeping you around for his own selfish needs Remind me why you want to be with him? Oh no .... You don't want to be with him .... but you are! Get out for goodness sake you have one life and its not a rehearsal!!! men like him are 2 a penny!
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