Shy guy guidance

[tapout]

Hello everyone.

I am at a total loss and i am not sure if i am just a very impatient person or if this guy who I really like is shy or using me as a ego boost.

 

What I am after is a little guidance, I don’t know what to , he is on my mind very much and I am frustrated that things are not moving on.

 

If you can read my last post, that is how it all started. Since then I backed off totally and in the past two months the guy started flirting again after asking me if I was seeing a guy he thought I was with.

So the flirting begins and I text him saying look I think you are wicked and fancy the arse off you, I know you don’t want to get involved so take it as a compliment.

Any way , when I next see him , he smiles spends the day flirting.

 

The situation is this guy is a Martial arts instructor, a total professional and gets paid to fight as do his fighters and this is the environment we see each other, I dont see him outside the club, just 3 x a week.

 

Any way I had a serious injury while training for a fight and had to take 2 weeks out and in this time , he calls me from his home phone , joking I said what you missing me , and he said put it this way , I would not have phoned you if I didn’t.

I nearly dropped the phone!. This guy never uses text as he does not put credit on his phone , so when ever I have text him, he never responds, so to hear from him I was happy. Any way we chat away and he tells me bout his life, then he says to me, I bet you get lots of guys asking you out, and I replied no way , guys tend to avoid me assuming I have a guy , and I replied to him that maybe he should take me out.

He said to me that he is single , but does not do relationships as they are hard work (He split with his girl , who he has 1 child with , 9 years ago) , he is happy being single, has had a few dates , but they were bad. He then said he MIGHT take me out for a Thai meal.

I replied I might go (jokingly) and said when then, he said when it feels right!

 

That was that, I have seen him since and it has been very flirty, but NOTHING ELSE!.

I text him a few times, telling him he looked nice.

 

Then just this week, I kinda got a bit fed up with it. I have liked him for 8 months now and he knows it, I am unsure how he feels about me, I am scared to push him as he seems really scared , he often play fights with me and makes lots of contact in person , but he wont move on from this.

I text him finally last night and said look , i feel there is something going on between us , if there isn’t please make sure you tell me.

 

Of course I know he wont reply, however I trained with him today and he had a very small flirt, but was mega busy with the pro fighters today.

 

My gut instinct says he likes me , but what do I do.

 

Am I just being to fast about all this, should I leave it in his hands now, stop complimenting him and just carry on with the flirting and wait until he feels ready

 

From knowing him , he is NOT a player and he has very good morals, he adores his daughter and I love that about him, having a child myself. We all like a compliment, have i just got his ego going?

I have been single for a good year and I feel I have lost the plot with dating, chasing etc.

We are both mature as shocking as that might sound, he is in his 40’s and me , my late 30’s

 

I really do like him, I have left him since easter, I can do it, but I am so frustrated and I just wish I knew what to do.

 

Sometimes we need guidance as it is easy to get caught up with what we want to see and hear!

Thanks

xx

[boogieboy]

Nice name BTW.

 

Hes not that into you.

 

Either he is still hurt of his last relationship...which I doubt,

 

or he doesnt see you as a person he would want to be serious with.

He would have made a move by now, I dont think hes shy.

 

He clearly said to you that he only dates women, but doesnt do relationships. He probabbly just wants to play the field. It also means that to him, youre not interesting enough at this point to pursue.

 

You can make your personality more attractive by being more fun and interesting to him, but I truly think if he hasnt made a move already, hes not feelin you like that.

 

I think you should take a loss on this one, and so you dont keep thinking about him, make an effort to stop being in his vicinity. Go find someone who is actually into you, dont settle for the crumbs that this guy gives you.

[Thaddeus]

My gut instinct says he likes me , but what do I do.

Your gut instinct is wrong.

 

Don't feel bad about it - most people's gut instincts are wrong. (If they were always right, then there'd never be any relationship break-ups, would there?)

 

Sorry, but BB is right. He's just not interested.

[tapout]

Hey there.

I see what you are saying. Thanks boogieboy.

Hurts a little, but yes if he wanted me, i would know about it.

Time to get some inner strenght and take a walk in the other direction

Thanks, sometimes you need telling straight!

:-)

[boogieboy]

Hey there.

I see what you are saying. Thanks boogieboy.

Hurts a little, but yes if he wanted me, i would know about it.

Time to get some inner strenght and take a walk in the other direction

Thanks, sometimes you need telling straight!

:-)

 

The worst part about getting infatuated with someone is this:

 

You take the crumbs they give you because you see the potential. Also because many people here cling onto someone they think they are close with because they dont want to go out and make more connections.

 

You dont realize that you were going after your perception of what you think they think of you rather than thinking objectively...until you meet someone who actually likes you and makes it easy. You also forget what it was like in the past.

 

Then when you realize it, you say "oh man, I was after that guy and he gave me no indications whatesover in comparison to this new guy".

 

its all about stepping back nd remembering that its supposed to be easy.

[Lucky555]

The worst part about getting infatuated with someone is this:

 

You take the crumbs they give you because you see the potential. Also because many people here cling onto someone they think they are close with because they dont want to go out and make more connections.

 

You dont realize that you were going after your perception of what you think they think of you rather than thinking objectively...until you meet someone who actually likes you and makes it easy. You also forget what it was like in the past.

 

Then when you realize it, you say "oh man, I was after that guy and he gave me no indications whatesover in comparison to this new guy".

 

its all about stepping back nd remembering that its supposed to be easy.

 

This is very good advise!

[WTRanger]

A wise person once said, "Feelings are much stronger than thoughts. We are all led by instinct, and our intellect catches up later."

 

Unrequited or unbalanced love is the best example of that.

 

Your gut instinct is right, it usually is always right. If you ever had to rely only on instincts you tend to trust yourself. If our instincts were wrong, we'd have died out as a species a long time ago. The problem lies not in your instinct, but in the guy's head. He's probably into you on some level, he wouldn't have called if he wasn't. However, he doesn't see relationships the same as you do. You can't force him to change that. This is where your intellect starts catching up and you start to see the situation for what it is. You care about him on a higher level that what he sees or what he perceives as his level. He might see you as #1 in his life, but it's a different #1 than what you see. It's unbalanced and you need to figure out how to balance it out.

[tapout]

WTRanger, great that makes sense.

I am not sure if i should have put out a new post, but i am going to be honest and tell you what has happenend next.

I text him to say look i dont know what to do , i guess it is time for me to stop trying as i am not getting anything back from you. I said it is ok if he is just enjoying the flirt, but i like to know where i stand. I also said he had done this before to me so maybe i am at fault for mis reading him.

Any way no reply but he ignored me for my past three sessions. I dont know why, i wasnt rude, i am going to guess and say maybe the pressure i put him under?

Anyway my car wouldnt work on Saturday and i asked him for a life to the martial arts club and he didnt reply at all. So I phoned another lad who i train with and he took me up there and said he had been texting the guy i like that day. So that kicked me in the gut big time, as he told me he does not have credit, he said i cant afford it. He lied. When i got to the club, he said sorry i couldnt gt back to you , i just said yer sure and the whole session he ignored me again.

So i did the worst thing ever i guess..i sent a big essay to him, saying that i am prob over reacting, but hear me out and i just said i am sorry that i put him under pressure, i was just trying to find out if he liked me or not. I also said that he was showing me signs with the flirting and saying he might take me out, which wasnt fair as he knew how much i liked him. I also said that i am upset that he lied to me bout the credit and that he has not got the respect to talk to me to my face and say no i am not intrested. I then blabed on with the fact i just wanted to get to know hiim , that was all and that i am prehaps handled it wrong. I said i was trying to stay out of his way as i know he is fed up right now with it all, but i didnt feel the need to be rude to each other, we could at least say hello and goodbye and just remain friends and forget it all.

 

Anyway , he replied to that text to say ..listen to me real good, dont text me again and if you do i will ask you to leave my club.

 

I am not a nasty person, maybe i was a little to pushy, but that is a bit harsh , from a guy who i get on with well, we have a lot of respect for each other. I know he was fed up Saturday as the guys at the club were being really rude and flirting with me, but that is part of the enviorment of martial arts and being the only female. Its banter.

 

I am not really scared, i dont if i should not turn up at the club now. Go else where maybe.

I never meant to hurt him or upset him, i was being honest and prehaps that was my mistake

I dont know how to be around a guy i like, i dont know when to stop , i should have left him alone, but i didnt.

I am dissapointed in myslef and feel very much like i have done something really bad.

Can anyone help me out? What are the basic rules in this game

I guess it is hard work, it will never work.

Can i recover from this, why do i feel so stupid, so embarrassed, where is my self pride at the moment.

 

Of course i have now deleted him number and i did not reply.

I am feeling qutie sad right now!

Sorry x

[WTRanger]

I am not a nasty person, maybe i was a little to pushy, but that is a bit harsh , from a guy who i get on with well, we have a lot of respect for each other.

He has to be harsh for you to understand that he is not interested in a relationship with you. You should have got the clue when he didn't respond to your previous texts. Now he's just annoyed at you and you've burned any bridge you had of having a normal conversation with him. He probably was interested as I said previously, on some level, but clearly not on the same level as you. But you pushed, and you pushed, and you pushed and now he's got to be a prick for you to understand that.

 

You should never have done this over text and in such a bulky amount. Talks like this ALWAYS must be done face to face. You could have pulled him aside and asked him where he thinks things are going. Tell him that you just want to know where you stand with him. That way you get your answers without spilling all of your guts. You get to maintain your dignity. In your case, you lost everything.

 

I really wish you would have posted on here before you did this. We could have talked you out of it. The only thing left is to respect this guy's wishes and leave him alone. You've got to, or else things will really get horrible for you. If you can't handle the sight of him, then you do need to leave his gym. You need to move on from this. There is nothing left to salvage at this point. It's time for your intellect to catch up with you.

 

No one knows what the future holds, but this guy needs tons of space away from you and you have to give it to him. Just learn from this situation. Then your hurt you are feeling now will not be in vain.

[tapout]

Oh dear, i knew it. I wish also i had thought about posting on here.

I need to find a way to stop when i get a urge to explain myself, in hindsight, like he was intrested in how he has made me confused and yes far to long a text. How do you stop it, i convience myself that my views matter and that he will see my point of view. I need to learn a lot ahey.

 

I didnt want to lose my dignity, and i have. Gosh i feel very silly for trying so hard , when clearly this was always going to be about what he wanted and when and how.

 

I can recall many a time when he would hang around me , saying nothing, but looking like he wanted to and would instead say the same old line to me, nice shin pads , where did you get them (he lent them to me). When ever he didnt have anything to say or wanted to say something , this is what he would say.

I guess i should have known this guy is doing this at his pace , not mine

 

I screwed it big time and i told him so in the text, i did apologizse for being over pushy and for piling on my pressure. But that does not matter when you have done the deed already

 

Ok, space, i will leave him well alone. Clearly i dont want to leave my club of many years. This is tricky and a huge lesson to be learnt , never get involved with anyone in the club.

Maybe if i took a few weeks out and came back when the dust has settled or should i go back and just be polite, say hello and goodbye train hard and shut up.

 

gosh i feel so horrible and foolish.

[WTRanger]

This is tricky and a huge lesson to be learnt , never get involved with anyone in the club.

No!!! That is not the lesson to be learned here. The lesson to be learned is to not be so pushy and needy. The lesson learned is to respect other people's wishes and feelings.

 

You did what you did because you had put this guy on a throne. As soon as you made him King, all was lost. No matter what would have happened, he would never have lived up to your built up visions of him. You've got to learn from this so you won't repeat this type of situation again.

 

At the same time, you shouldn't feel so foolish for what you did. If you were following your heart, then you never really can go wrong even if the outcome isn't what you wanted. But as I've said, learn to back away when people are about to snap. This guy had shown signs of stress because of your contact, but you continued to apply pressure until he broke. You also have to learn not to build situations up in your head. You have to learn to hope for a good outcome, but prepare for the worst. If you cannot prepare for the worst or do not want to deal with the worst, then you cannot pursue the best. Because you have no idea which outcome will happen.

 

Its like an MMA fighter. If you are not willing to lose, then you can't step into the ring. No one wants to lose, but you have to accept it if you do. It happens. Fights are 50-50. One person will win and one will lose. No one can predict who will win, sure there are advantages but at the same time there are one in a million punches. GSP vs Matt Serra was a good example. No one thought Matt Serra would even make GSP sweat. Yet Matt went in there and knocked GSP out cold. Which should also be a lesson in humility and being overly confident. But if you do lose, you know that you'll live. You'll fight another day. All is not lost.

 

You can only still go to his gym if you can work out and let him be. You can't sit there and look at him with doe eyes all day. You'll never properly get over him. Give it some time to rest, and start slow. I bet he's willing to put this behind him too, but you've GOT to realize that he's only about friends or training partners and NOT into a relationship.

 

From here on out until the two of you reconcile, no texts, no emails, no phone calls. Keep the person to person talk short and civil and just start to move on from him. You don't have to end the friendship, but if you keep pushing you will and you will also lose your gym. Is that worth it?

[tapout]

Can i carry you around with me?LOL.

You offer such sound advice, maybe some would say obvious , but I clearly not obvious for me.

 

It is not worth it, i am a valued memeber of the club and that makes me happy so i do not want to ruin this anymore than i have done.

 

I shall give him some clear head space. I will take a week out and come back with civilness and hope that it becomes easier in time.

I will accept we are friends and i hope that in time feelings will lie low,i did put him on a throne and i do question the fact that he wasnt intrested , was keeping me coming back for more, almost like a challenge.

I know i can train and let him be, i did it back in easter time. I totally switched it off as you have to when you train in martial arts. I would however like you said make things up in my own head that didnt exisit. I will work on this i mean it.

You have really helped me and have me thinking things over at the moment , rather than going over who said and did what.

It is my actions that need addressing and that i will do.

Thank you