lovemyboys Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 If it was just me, I think I could turn and walk away and be okay, but my heart is breaking for my two little boys. Here is my story. I thought our life was good. My career had taken us to live in a small town which we both wanted. He was able to get a good union job with my company. We bought a house, got dogs, and had kids. Life seemed good. We had our fights, what marriage doesn’t, but I thought things were okay I knew he was struggling a bit with family life. He didn’t seem quite comfortable with the kids and started to slip away a bit. I kept trying to involve him in family events, and he resisted or was grumpy at them. We had a major blowout after my second son was born. In Canada, you get one year maternity leave and you can split it with your spouse. My husband took 8 weeks of the maternity leave, so he could be home with me the first 8 weeks after my second son was born, to take care of our older son and help me out. Well, instead of being with us, he spent the entire eight weeks out in his garage building a contraption. The contraption is cool, but I needed him. We have no family in town, I was home from the hospital less than 24 hours after my son was born and my husband kept just disappearing, so I had the two boys to take care of. He just didn’t understand and thought that I resented his art. So, I thought we had gotten over that but he was still drifting away Then he made a friend – they were just friends of course. But he started just running out of the house whenever she called, skipping his classes to be with her. He then left a notebook of love notes to her on our counter one night. I was livid and demanded we go to marriage counseling right away. He apologized and agreed (after he drove to her place of work and apologized to her first – why didn’t I see the writing on the wall then). So off to marriage counseling we went. The marriage counselor told my husband he had to give up his friend and he did stay away from her for a few weeks, but then it was back to the secret phone calls, more love notes, etc. I was desperate to keep my family together, so I put up with a lot of crap, hoping we could figure things out. But then one day, he told me she was the inspiration to his art, that she had so much to teach him about life, blah, blah, blah. He told me he should have left years ago, that our time together was a waste (married 11 years) and that he had only stayed with me for financial security. He moved out shortly after that The weird thing is that through the grapevine (small town living) I know that they are not together, together. She thinks of him as a friend only – who knows. They do spend time together, but I know they have gone through periods of not talking, even since he moved out. So what to do, my boys need their Dad, but he has been on a crazy emotional ride lately, I never know if he is going to show up angry or reasonable. It’s been two months now since he moved out. Why can’t I just let the whole thing go? I still keep hoping something will work out. In my province, you have to wait a year to get divorced, so I can go get a legal separation – see there’s another thing, he wants to hurry up and get the paperwork done and yet he wants me to organize it. Why can’t he do it? I’m still taking care of his banking, why doesn’t he do it himself? ARGH!!!! I can’t go NC because of the kids, not to mention, I’ll see him around town. Luckily, I moved on to a new job recently, so we no longer work for the same company. My head knows what to do (move on), I’m just having trouble convincing my heart and letting go of the family life I pictured for me and my boys. . .
stillafool Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I'm so sorry for your pain and the pain inflicted on your little boys. It sounds like your husband has never really been or wanted to be a father. If he has told you he felt that your marriage of 11 years has been a mistake and a waste - (I don't want to hurt you here )- but it sounds like he is saying he wasn't in love with you. I know it is hard but it seems like you would be fighting a losing battle to get a man back who clearly doesn't want to be there. I know it would be hard to go NC with the boys - but is he calling to see them? You need to (at least try) forget about him and make a plan for you and your sons. First seek out the counsel of an attorney. Try not to listen or snoop to find out what he is doing as any information about him and his gf will keep you in pain. The reason this is so hard for you to let go is because you still love him. Hopefully soon your pain will turn to anger towards him using you for fiancial security and that anger will help you get over him. In the end be thankful that he was finally honest and left so you can find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
LisaUk Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Hi Take no notice of the c**p that comes out of his mouth. Saying your 11 years together was a waste and he only used you for your money is total BS, he's re-writing your marital history in order to justify his dispicaple behaviour. No one has children with someone if they don't have feelings of love and aren't in it for the long haul. As for what has happened? That's a difficult one, for some reason he clearly thinks the grass is greener... he wil soon discover there may well be a big dog t**d on that green grass, hopefully by then though you will have moved on to better things. Your pain is completley normal, you still love your H dispite what he has done to you. Take a look at this board, many on here spouses have gone off with someone else, they all still hurt, you can't just turn off your feelings for someone, as much as you may want to do that! You are griveing. Keep posting, we are all in this together.
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