Gemini09 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 For me, it is important. I will not date a guy who has been with a great deal of women. I understand the past is the past, but it would be incredibly hard for me to except. What do you guys do if you really like a person, but you discover they have had many sexual partners? Would you continue to date them, or is that deal breaker for you? I know some people don't hold things like that against someone. How do you normally go about handling a partners sexual history? Do you ask them right away, or wait until later? Share your thoughts.
Thaddeus Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Generally, it's irrelevant to me. The only times it becomes an issue is if: There are potential STD problems - easily cleared up by a visit to a doctor She's been sexually assaulted or has some hang-ups about her sexuality due to some sexual violence done to her. Other than that, personally it makes no difference.
Quinch Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 So long as she hasn't gangbanged the entire New Zealand All Blacks rugby squad, I don't mind. Otherwise my policy is Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
thegoodlife Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 It matters to me because I view sex as something intimate, only shared with someone that I am in a loving, long term, exclusive relationship with. And I want my partner to share the same views. I've nothing against people who view sex differently than I, it's just not my cup of tea. Everyone has their preferences.
Thaddeus Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 For me, it is important. I will not date a guy who has been with a great deal of women.It matters to me because I view sex as something intimate, only shared with someone that I am in a loving, long term, exclusive relationship with. And I want my partner to share the same views.To me, this sounds terribly judgemental - that is, "I'll accept it if you have had X partners, but if you've had X+1 that makes you a bad person/unworthy of my affection/weak/loose/(insert other negative adjective here)." Just a thought: How about accepting people as they are, instead of as they were?
carhill Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Well, every woman I've been with has had more partners than me, so it behooves me to be open-minded. I look more to their patterns of relationships and how they treat me. Since women tend to voluntarily tell me way more than I want to know, if one is reticent, that gets my attention. I'm very comfortable talking about relationship history, if that's something of interest to her. It's the tone of the discourse that I pay attention to, rather than the nuts and bolts content.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I won't give out my number to potential partners. I have had more than some and alot less than some. I have had only a few where I knew it was just sex and nothing would come of it, but in most cases I was naive, taken advantage of, and led to believe something would come of it. In almost every case I dreamt of a future with that person. I know now I had it all backwards, and have worked on myself and have started to attract a different quality of men in my life, the kind who don't make a move on the first date, the kind who are there for the same reason as me, to enjoy each other's company and do something fun and exciting that isn't sexual. If a potential relationship guy will choose to judge me based on the number of partners I've had, then there will be alot more problems in the relationship.
missdependant Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 don't really care. unless he was a serial rapist, then it might be nice to know. otherwise, this is one case where ignorance is bliss. don't ask, don't tell!
Author Gemini09 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 I once talked to a guy who was 27 years old and said he had been with 50+ women. I believe this would be highly questionable for some females out there. For me, I would hope to meet a guy who is very particular amongst who he chooses to sleep with, and most of his partners have been from loving committed relationships. The most girls a guy has been with that I came to accept, was 13 partners. 3-5 is more ideal for me. It does depend on age though. If I was lucky enough to meet a guy who has been with a few, that would be awesome, but that is extremely hard to come across these days.
missdependant Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I once talked to a guy who was 27 years old and said he had been with 50+ women. I believe this would be highly questionable for some females out there. For me, I would hope to meet a guy who is very particular amongst who he chooses to sleep with, and most of his partners have been from loving committed relationships. The most girls a guy has been with that I came to accept, was 13 partners. 3-5 is more ideal for me. It does depend on age though. If I was lucky enough to meet a guy who has been with a few, that would be awesome, but that is extremely hard to come across these days. If he was bragging about it, then I'd drop him like a bad habit.. only *******s brag about things like that. If he didn't say anything, I wouldn't ask.. therefore I wouldn't know, and wouldn't care. If it was just brought up in conversation and slipped out, I'd probably send him in for an STD test.. then go from there. Chances are if he's boned 50 girls, it's something he's proud of and I am not attracted to guys like that anyway.
Thaddeus Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 What's that old saying? When a man tells you the number of partners he's had, divide by 2 or 3... with a woman, multiply by 2 or 3... something like that...
Author Gemini09 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 I would be worried not to ask a partner their history, even if they did not choose to bring it up. What if it was an extreme amount of partners? I then will question their morals, and whether or not they have an STD, or HIV. This is a bit frightening to me. I almost would rather not ask in fear of knowing, but it's very hard for me to let something like that slide. I wouldn't want to offend someone by asking, so I try to wait until the subject of sex is brought up.
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Patterns of behaviour rarely change. For myself, numbers matter, for all kinds of reasons. And yes, I ask upfront.
OldBull Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 For me, it is important. I will not date a guy who has been with a great deal of women. Is 7 within the realm of "great deal" for you, personally?
Thaddeus Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Patterns of behaviour rarely change. For myself, numbers matter, for all kinds of reasons. And yes, I ask upfront.Oh, but patterns do change. I've already shared the story of the death of my first wife, and after a full year of grieving, I was (I'm somewhat ashamed to admit) a man-whore. Rightly or wrongly, I guess it was all part of the grieving process, and it was a pattern that was wholly in keeping with what my therapist at the time said might happen. That was many, many years ago now. Should that pattern be held against me?
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Oh, but patterns do change. I've already shared the story of the death of my first wife, and after a full year of grieving, I was (I'm somewhat ashamed to admit) a man-whore. Rightly or wrongly, I guess it was all part of the grieving process, and it was a pattern that was wholly in keeping with what my therapist at the time said might happen. That was many, many years ago now. Should that pattern be held against me?I'm going to look at this from a different perspective. Why are you ashamed about something that you participated in, enjoyed and moved on from?
OldBull Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 ... and it was a pattern that was wholly in keeping with what my therapist at the time said might happen. Could you please explain the therapists' reason for such prediction?
Thaddeus Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I'm going to look at this from a different perspective. Why are you ashamed about something that you participated in, enjoyed and moved on from?Fair question, deserves a thoughtful response. I feel somewhat ashamed of it because I hurt some good people that had no idea what was going on in my life. Now, I've been in touch with almost all of them, long after the fact, and the vast majority of them were gracious enough to accept my apologies. Most of them are now married or in LTRs and I still keep in contact with a few of them from time to time. So the shame isn't from the multiple encounters; it's from hurting people. Could you please explain the therapists' reason for such prediction?He simply stated that it was a possibility and I should be aware of it. I guess it's relatively common for someone to try and re-fill a void left after a partner dies. It doesn't work, of course, but that doesn't stop people (like me) from trying.
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Fair question, deserves a thoughtful response. I feel somewhat ashamed of it because I hurt some good people that had no idea what was going on in my life. Now, I've been in touch with almost all of them, long after the fact, and the vast majority of them were gracious enough to accept my apologies. Most of them are now married or in LTRs and I still keep in contact with a few of them from time to time. So the shame isn't from the multiple encounters; it's from hurting people. Then you have no real reason to feel shame anymore, since you felt remorseful and have given restitution. Isn't it time to move on from this? It's the past.
Thaddeus Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Then you have no real reason to feel shame anymore, since you felt remorseful and have given restitution. Isn't it time to move on from this? It's the past.No argument there, and if I had to put numbers to it I'd say that I'm 80% over it. But, once in a while, I get this little stab of conscience, even though I've made my apologies and whatnot. Hey, who said emotions were rational? Anyway, back to the point: Would someone who prefers someone with fewer sexual partners automatically exclude someone like me, given my history? And if someone asks and I tell them the truth about my number of partners (frankly, I'm not even sure what it is, only have a rough idea), that would automatically necessitate getting into the whole story, something I'm extremely hesitant to do. But it wouldn't make sense to just blurt the number without an explanation.
carhill Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Like I said in my post prior, IMO, most reasonable people put the number into the context of the interaction. Your number alone might cause alarm, but, in context, if you shared your feelings about it and who you were and are today because of it, I think even the most number-conscious woman would take that information and weigh it positively.
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 No argument there, and if I had to put numbers to it I'd say that I'm 80% over it. But, once in a while, I get this little stab of conscience, even though I've made my apologies and whatnot.I understand. Hey, who said emotions were rational? You'll hear no argument from me, over that comment!! Anyway, back to the point: Would someone who prefers someone with fewer sexual partners automatically exclude someone like me, given my history?Everyone has positive and negative triggers. The number of sexual partners in a potential SO, for me, is a trigger. There's a long and involved story behind this which I won't get into, within this thread. That's why it's important to me to avoid negative triggers, so it doesn't erode on me. Sometimes people aren't compatible, for whatever reason, from great to small. Shrug your shoulders and if necessary, say eff'em if they can't accept who I am, history, warts and all. Keep in mind that I've been called frigid on this board for having less than a handful of lovers in my lifetime. That's okay too. And if someone asks and I tell them the truth about my number of partners (frankly, I'm not even sure what it is, only have a rough idea), that would automatically necessitate getting into the whole story, something I'm extremely hesitant to do. But it wouldn't make sense to just blurt the number without an explanation.That's fine and understandable.
Confusedalways Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 At the age I am right now, I would think guys with high numbers would not be someone I was looking to date. So yes, at my current age a high number is a deal breaker.
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