Tired of the same problem

[sunshine401]

Hey guys I have posted earlier, and basically is the same problem. My LD boyfriend has one way to communicate and I have another, I want to talk every day, to hear him say I love you, and that this will work. And he just wants to talks some days in the week, and tell me he loves me when he wants too. I'm getting tired of the situation, ever week that passes thing start getting worst, at first we talked every day and he showed me confidence; we used skype twice a week. Right now we chat every 2 or 3 days, and he's always in a hurry, sometimes he won't pick up the phone when I call him. But when we do talk, he seems kind of confident, always making remarks on when we will see each other (in November, for 3 months), and how I should'nt be desperate, that his life is full of work and that's the only thing he's thinking about. I tend to get needy and he hates it, but lately I'm just thinking we should quit, and be friends, stop the tension (cause I'm going crazy), and just meet as friends on Nov.

Any suggestion?

Thanks guys,

[MSUE]

hi dear...

 

I don't know that you should quit...if the love is genuine and mutual you can overcome just about anything...when you are in a LDR its definetely challenging...and yes he might very well be overwhelmed with work...but he is still making the effort...you have the need to speak everyday but he doesn't cause he's more tied up than you...this is when you need to communicate your toughts and feelings on it and reach a happy medium...don't get too clingy or needy or he might end up running for the hills

[Thaddeus]

I don't know that you should quit...if the love is genuine and mutual you can overcome just about anything...when you are in a LDR its definetely challenging...and yes he might very well be overwhelmed with work...but he is still making the effort...you have the need to speak everyday but he doesn't cause he's more tied up than you...this is when you need to communicate your toughts and feelings on it and reach a happy medium...don't get too clingy or needy or he might end up running for the hills

MSUE is right. Contact every single day is over-the-top, especially in an LDR. I can't say for sure if he's avoiding your calls or he's just too busy but fact is that needing to contact him every day comes across as clingy and insecure. And that's virtually a guaranteed way of driving him away.

[musgrrl]

My SO sounds very similar to yours. I think you should try to compromise and speak with him every other day if that's more convenient for him. I don't think he's trying to avoid you.

 

I read that book "Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey and he says that when men are trying to establish who they are (meaning what they do for a living), their attention is going to be on their job more than anything else. I wouldn't be insulted by that. They are just trying to get to a certain point so that they can be sure that they can take on responsibility later on for a family and be able to provide.

 

I'm not saying this is necessarily the case, but it could explain your why your SO seems to not be able to give you the attention that you want. If he's really special to you, I would let him know how you feel. Do it in a succint way. Don't get too emotional or wordy about it because they have a tendency to tune you out after a while. I hope this helps.

[Romance]

I know it's hard i'd have an issue with the limited communication but i'd try to just work it out til november, you'll know if its worth it when you hang out.

[Island Girl]

but he is still making the effort...

 

I don't see he is making an effort at all.

 

Answering the phone occasionally and speaking is effort? Giving her the gift of extending himself just that little bit every so often??

Hmmm. I think not.

 

He has shown he CAN put in more and there has been no change in his situation since then. He has just drifted off on the maintenance of his relationship.

This can happen in relationships (with either partner - LDR or not) and there can be a variety of "reasons". It is treating your partner like they will just be there no matter what -- treat them like a piece of furniture and they'll still be there.

 

It is wrong. And the person who allows the backsliding is not getting their needs met which makes them unhappy.

If it continues unaddressed the relationship becomes a completely miserable unhealthy mess. And if it is addressed but this still continues that shows a complete lack of respect or care for the partner's needs and feelings.

If it reaches this point (either case) it should be over.

 

MSUE is right. Contact every single day is over-the-top, especially in an LDR. I can't say for sure if he's avoiding your calls or he's just too busy but fact is that needing to contact him every day comes across as clingy and insecure. And that's virtually a guaranteed way of driving him away.

 

Really?

 

I am anxious to find out how long you have been in a successful LDR?

 

I could not disagree more because in my experience, and with what others here have demonstrated over the years, it is completely the opposite ESPECIALLY IN AN LDR.

 

 

I would let him know how you feel. Do it in a succint way. Don't get too emotional or wordy about it because they have a tendency to tune you out after a while. I hope this helps.

 

I would not talk about this. I would write your feelings out completely. needs met.

Read and revise as necessary but it should be filled with "I feel" and "I think" -- tons of "I" statements.

Don't use sentences that begin with "you" because they come off as accusatory.

Write out why you feel as you do and what can be done to get your needs met (within reason of course).

 

When he reads it there will be no running off on tangents, no back peddling or excuses given throughout, etc. as there would be if this was a conversation.

Give him a fair shot at rectifying the problem before you put things on a friendship level.

Reevaluate once he has had a chance to read it and address the issue.

 

Remember:

 

Your feelings should be important to him. And if he becomes aware that you feel slighted and unimportant in his life he should WANT to fix that pronto!

[sunshine401]

Thanks for all the advices. I just de decided to talk to him, and let this all as friends, cause at the end that's the way he is acting as a friend, who is there some days, and some others not. Will still be going to his town in NOvember (I have lots of friends over there), and will give him the possibility of giving it a try when I'm actually near him, but without any compromise or obligation, leaving this as friends. If we are not 2gether, we were just simply not meant to be. Yesterday I was veryyy sad, but I'm starting to get my happy life back, let see how it goes when I talk to him.

 

Thanks