Friends needed give up or fight

[Glum]

Well I've done it, it's over (for now). We split about 5 weeks ago. It's pretty complicated but the short story is ....

 

Met this girl @ work, she left her husband (married for 7 years) & we was in a serious relationship for about 16 mnths. She moved 100 miles to live close by, I found her a house, settled the kids into a wonderful school.. It kinda just happened

 

it was wonderful but due to me screwing up a few times we split (I was depressed after we split) got back together, split again & all this time her husband was trying to win her back.*

She's religious (as he is) & felt by leaving him and ulimately having an affair she had lost god, she needed him back in her life. We had 3 weeks time out & during this time was spending time with her husband, trying to do the right thing as far as marrige vows are concerned. They both agreed it was dead in the water.

 

We re-connected (still deeply in love, well I am lol) but she keeps repeating she needs time. She's only 27, married @ 17 & needs to find herself before jumping straight into another relationship to make it work, to make it healthy. She needs to find god again

 

She kept insisting she needed time, I kept asking for an answer. I was going insane!! Finally last night we agreed on a complete split. She asked if she could re-contact me in October, I said 'yes'

 

I know the answer deep down inside, *love her. Do I tell her not to contact me at all? Change my no.? Email addy? To enable me move on or do I risk the heartache & gamble to get her back? I mean there is a chance?*Shes a very very pretty girl, men literatly throw themselves at her, she won't be single for too long.*

 

I know I can't move on with this promise, too many feelings but I'm about 40% sure she will contact me & we will try again. It's the 60% that worries me. I can't emphasize enough, she is my world, I could write reams & reams about my love for her but that's one thing us LS folks have in common, the abilty to love unconditionaly.

 

I really could do with some advice. I'm currently laid in bed, not slept, not eaten & I'm a real tangle (like the first time) I want her back like ive never wanted anything in my life. I also don't want to revisit depression

 

thanks for listening

[Glum]

Sent her this email today ....

 

Dearest Amy

 

Im hurting, just come from church, I wanted to say sorry for my lies *

to you, for creating miss-trust in the next person you meet because of *

me. It makes really sad & upset to think I've hurt you. I don't feel *

I've apologised properly & I'm sorry

 

I fought so vigorously for you these last few months, been so *

difficult to try & express my feelings for you without coming across *

needy & insecure.

 

I can see there little chance of us being strong again like before & *

it kills me to think you now have formed an opinion of me that (in my *

mind) is wrong. I'm not a bad person, misguided yes but not bad but *

maybe I am for what i've done to you.

 

I won't go into that list as it old ground but for what's it's worth I *

really truly do not believe a single word of it. Not a word! Wrote out *

of desperation & despair of loosing a very special girl. One in a *

million. If only you knew how I feel about you then you would dismiss *

that list at the drop of a hat

 

I would be lying if I told you anything other than I wanted us to get *

back together, I fear the damage i've caused is irreparable. Sometimes *

I see clarity & that's when I know it's over, most times I find the *

strength to fight for you, to believe in us & what we could achieve *

together

 

I love you, I will love you for the rest of my life. Saddens me so *

many will go through life without experiencing what I've experianced *

in these last 18 months with you.

 

Thankyou for being there Amy, and thankyou for making me happy, even *

if it was only for a small part of my life, it's something I will *

treasure & strive for again until I'm old and grey.

 

Don't quite know how to end this email? I want to reconnect with you *

in the future, so so much!! Just scared of the email you send telling *

me there is no going back. I guess the best course of action (other *

than us working towards a solid & just relationship) would be for us *

to reconnect some time soon but only if we have a chance to salvage *

something. I wouldn't be able to be friends when my feelings are still *

as strong as they are now (in 12 months time I'll still feel the same *

like the last time we broke up). Promise me you will only re-contact *

me only if we have a chance? I just know contacting me as friends will *

not help me get over us.

 

Thankyou baby

 

Love Richard

 

x x x x x

[Glum]

Her reply ...

 

Dear Richard,

*

Thanks for your email, and laying yourself bare.

*

I*think the thing I struggle with is you've said sorry before and continued to lie.*I*know so much about*habits and know how difficult they are too break, so am under no illusions how hard it must be. I'm encouraged that you went to the doctor, and receiving counselling. There is that want to*change. I believe people can change, especially through the power of Jesus.*

*

I'm personally struggling. Not with us, but with myself. I've realised I can't walk this walk on my own. I need to get back into fellowship.

*

It may sound silly thinking but this is how*I feel at the moment. I feel the Lord will provide as long as I submit to him. This job has become available, which I have previous experience in, it would be ideal. But if I'm round having sex with you the week before, I don't feel I will*be the one who's going to be appointed. It's about full submission and being willing to give up some things. So that's where I am at. I love you, I want to be with you, just not sure it's the right thing at the moment?

*

It's encouraging to hear you're going to church, and do hope very much you do find God, and experience his love that he has for you.

*

Baby I do want to be with you, but I want to change and I'm*not sure you'll like the person I want to be?

*

I'm not in email mode, I go through stages when I can write loads and other times I can't. Sorry.

*

Love you baby

*

xxxx

[Glum]

What's everyones take in this?

 

Is it dead? Do I pull away & give her time?

 

I didn't get a response from my 1st post ... Com'n folks, help me out pls

[hopesndreams]

Is she back with her husband?

[WTRanger]

Let it go. You obviously lied about something big and continued to lie. Right now, she's not wanting to deal with that. The more you push, the farther she will back away. Doesn't God teach something about patience?

 

If you believe it, it is in God's hands right now. Though what she's really saying is that she'll try to find God until she meets someone new. She says she's going to change, which it sounds like she's going to climb onto the Holier Than Thou throne and look down at you.

 

Plus if she's back into hardcore religious mode, despite what Jesus and God preach, she's not apt to be into forgiveness all to soon. You'd think if you really practiced what the God fellow taught us, you'd forgive.

 

The best thing you can do is just let things be. You've done enough and now you are looking like a wounded puppy to her. Take the time until October or whenever and regain the use of your testicles again. You are acting like a 4 year old boy with a skinned knee crying to his momma. You are a grown man, pull yourself together. You also need to take her off the pedestal you've put her on. That's not helping things either.

 

I'd also suggest working on patience and listening to people. She keeps asking you for space yet you keep pressing the issue. Does she need to tell it to you in Spanish for you to get it?

[WTRanger]

As an add-on to my above post..

 

I'm guessing you are or were religious at some point. Have some faith in this girl, have some faith that she will contact you and back off of her.

 

You are willing to believe in the fact that there is some invisible man who looks like he should be ZZ Top's long lost guitarist and this guy controls every aspect of your life. You have faith in an invisible man, so why can't you put some of that faith into a physical, tangible, touchable, human being?

 

I'm not debating the existence of God, I'm merely stating that you are taking a leap of faith to believe in Him so use some of that faith towards this girl.

 

Above all, give her the space she needs. It's time for you to sit on the bench for a while. Take this time to improve yourself so if she does get a hold of you in a few months you can show her that you yourself are willing to change. If you don't change and she see's you are the same person you are today, there's not a snowball's chance in Hell that she'll consider reconciling with you. Especially if she's making changes to herself.