Heartache Lives On Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Just found this site the other day. Have been reading through some things, relating to a lot of it. It is somewhat soothing to see so many people that either have been, or currently are going through this. I was trying on wedding dresses one weekend, and less than a week later my fiancee left me (and my beautiful 6 year old daughter who adores him and considers him her dad). 2 years ago we bought a home together, last September he asked me to marry him, he made SO many promises of "forever". Our relationship had it's challenges (as they all do), but even 9 days before he left I had sent him a heartfelt email to which he responded "I too can't wait to marry you. If I am the man you want to be with forever then I have these words for you: You are a VERY important person to me. I love you. I want you. I need you. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve the love I have to give you." and it went on and on. Then he showed up at my work with a rose. But when he left he told me that apparently he had almost left 3 different times and then had convinced himself that it wasn't the right idea. This time he was sure he was not going to stay. He left, hooked up with someone else the next night, I asked him to meet me a few days later. Poured my heart out. Showed him all of the cards, letters, etc. where he had written so many promises. He agreed he wanted to try again, but that he was not going to live at home while we worked on things. Then he told me what he had done (the hook up), but still I agreed. I love him with all of my heart and soul. I went to a cottage for a week. He had told me to keep wearing my engagement ring. That he was commited. But when I got home he did not return my call for a few days. He came, saw my daughter for a few hours. After we put her to bed we talked. He said he could not do it, could not come back, ever. He said he is "changing", something inside of him is very messed up and he doesn't know what it is and he can't break down the walls he has put up. That if he came back to the relationship it would be a disaster. At first I just begged and pleaded for him to give us a chance. Said I would do anything. I refused to give up, give in. But I see now that his mind is made up, and I know the more desperate I act (but I AM desperate!) the worse it will be. So I have not contacted him since Monday. He saw my daughter again Wednesday night, but I only saw him for a second when he dropped her at home. I was polite, smiled, and handed him a few bags of his things that I said "I thought you might want." There's a lot more to this, but basically I am just blindsided and completely devastated. He is the man I want. I am left alone in OUR house (we will have to sell it and I will have to uproot my daughter and move to an apartment), sleeping in OUR bed. I have been left with the dog, our child, and all the responsibilities. It is so very painful. And it is harder because I am so very alone. I am isolated. A mom who works full time, still living in my hometown while all of my friends have moved away or we have drifted apart because our lives took very different directions. So I guess I am just reaching out for support. I am sorry I have made this so long that people probably won't want to read it!
Starshine Black Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 That is absolutely, absolutely horrible. I feel the worst for your daughter. This guy... I don't know what to say. Neither you nor your daughter deserve this, and I'll be wishing you the best tonight. All you can really DO is give him space. He has spelled out how he feels. It's not your fault. It sounds like something really is wrong within him. Your only chance is space. But the fact he slept with someone right off the bat.. just.. Disgusting. Two words. Commitment. Issues.
Author Heartache Lives On Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 That is absolutely, absolutely horrible. I feel the worst for your daughter. This guy... I don't know what to say. Neither you nor your daughter deserve this, and I'll be wishing you the best tonight. All you can really DO is give him space. He has spelled out how he feels. It's not your fault. It sounds like something really is wrong within him. Your only chance is space. But the fact he slept with someone right off the bat.. just.. Disgusting. Two words. Commitment. Issues. Thank you. I know, my daughter, it breaks my heart so much. One of the many reasons I love him is how wonderful he is (was) to her and how in love with him she is. The sleeping with someone off the bat thing...yeah...ouch. Now, one of the difficulties we were dealing with was a lack of intimacy for about two months (that has to do with my own issues, which was what the email I had sent him and he'd replied to 9 days earlier.) But I think it was his need for attention and to feel desired (which he hadn't felt for the past while I guess) and his confusion and the fact that he probably used it as an "ejector seat" tactic - I do this and she'll never forgive me and it will be over. He did this in his last long term relationship, told me he'd learned, changed, would never do it again. What he has done makes him sound like such an evil bastard...but the most awful part is that he has never been like this before. He has every quality I could want in a partner, and I love him to death. But he does have flaws. We all do. Now I see he has much bigger ones than I'd ever realized.
DSM2709 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 My heart truly bleeds for you, this is so sad, I am going through somewhat the same thing with my ex. I thought I was going to marry her, but she has been lying and cheating on my for months now, and she told me the other day that she met someone just last week, which I know is not true. I was with her 2 years too, and I accepted her 2 sons as my own, we moved into her new home that "SHE" bought, but I moved out in April of this year. I know what your going through, but everytime I questioned her actions, she would just keep lying to me. I am now alone too, and I can't stop thinking about her or what she's doing and who's she with. I know it will get better with time, at least that's what they tell me, but it still hurts to know that it's over between us. I still have some things of mine to collect from her, and at this point, I don't even want to see her, I'm afraid I might break down in front of her, and I don't want that. I want to show her that I am stronger than before and show her that this is NOT affecting me. Deep down inside it is. The other day she told me that tried to call me to tell me she had to get rid of one her dogs that WE took in from a shelter down south, because he was too much for her to handle along with the other 2 dogs in the house. I betcha she was more upset about that than she is about breaking up our relationship. All I can say is hang in there kiddo, time will heal your wounds. You MUST stay strong for your daughter and yourself, and pray to your higher power, and stay in touch with family. That's what is keeping me afloat these days. Best of luck to you.
wowsers Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 So, so sorry for you. Mine's a little different, but one thing is the same... We deserve better. I miss her like crazy and I am as desperate as you to have her back in my life. but then I read somewhere here on loveshack that it's probably not her that I want, it's the person she use to be. I really feel sorry for your daughter as well. Please keep her in mind when your going through this and know you'll have to be strong for her. Be Strong hun, You can do it, better yet, WE can.
Author Heartache Lives On Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 Thank you, thank you, thank you. It really does help to hear these words, even (or maybe especially) from complete strangers. I have been trying really hard to be strong for my daughter. We have cried together. I took her to the park tonight and ended up crying when we were there. I feel awful that she has to go through this too, as she is so innocent. But I keep telling her that none of this is her fault and that she and I will grow stronger and always have eachother. I agree that I have to stay strong, but I also want her to grow up knowing that it is okay to show your emotions, because so many of us have a hard time doing so. I wish you all the best too, and look very much forward to healing from this, although right now it feels like that might never happen. Off to bed now...OUR BED...ugh.
Starshine Black Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Stay strong... and please don't ever hesitate to cry. Because every tear you shed is a memory you're letting go of. They say pain is weakness escaping the body. Well, tears are pain escaping the body. I'll keep you in my thoughts. God and me aren't getting along right now but I think I'll break our silence to say a prayer for your daughter and you..
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