BW007 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Holy crap, she just moved from the next town over, to a block and 1/2 away from me. I haven't spoken to her since April 3rd and I just found out she lives so frigging close now. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. A NORMAL person would have accepted things as they are by now, but in the last week and a half I have found out she is pregnant by this new guy and lives a block and a half from me. I get that we are done. I am just NOT healing. I am much too messed up by all this. I still care for her way too much. This is terribly destructive for me. I wasn't ever done with her like she is with me. Please council me people.....I am not in balance anymore.
Ronni_W Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 BW, do you have any clues/guesses about what is keeping you in "self-destruct" mode and out of balance? It does suck that she's that close to you now...or maybe it will help you to really get over her (who knows?) But it's still that there are unrealistic thoughts and desires going on for you, that are keeping you stuck -- maybe it's about trying to get a bit clearer about what those might be? What is the worst thing that could happen if you did just decide to let go and move on with your life?
Author BW007 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 I think I get stuck....in regret.... in messing up things I care about. Every single part of this break up broke down my self worth, which means I gave too much of it away for her safekeeping.. She lied, she cheated, she left. Whats to love there? Mostly, I feel misunderstood if that makes sense. I feel like she didn't get how much she really meant to me. I really must not have gotten through. Or I wasn't worth enough to her after 5 years. I wish I had been valuable enough to her for her not to go screw other people, lie and lie and lie, and leave. I have made some progress letting go, but there is still this incredible loss.
Ronni_W Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 A different perspective is that she TOTALLY got how much she meant to you, and she just did not want to have all the responsibility of your self-worth, esteem, confidence, etc., etc. -- that is a lot that you dumped on her, instead of taking care of it yourself. Is that the pattern that you're referring to, when you say that you "mess up things you care about"? Basically a pattern of dependence, not taking responsibility for your 'self' stuff, becoming needy, giving away your personal power and expecting others to look after you/keep you feeling safe and secure? Your sense of loss of your self-worth and value is coming from within you; from your own (false) beliefs and (distorted) perceptions -- which is actually GOOD news: you have all the power, authority and control that you need to get yourself back on track. Maybe with the help of a therapist, but certainly you don't need your ex. Your ex doesn't have anything that rightly and appropriately belongs to you. Or. She has all along been dealing with HER OWN anxieties and fears...of abandonment, intimacy and/or whatever else; and cheating and lying are her maladaptive ways of not having to face those fears -- which has NOTHING to do with your "value" and worth as a human being but with her fears and inability to cope effectively. Making her choices and decisions all about you is self-centred/narcissistic, if you can see that?
Recommended Posts