justagirl09 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 So, i am dating this guy for a little while and we had the talk. He wants to commit to me but pleaded for me to be patient. He got out of a bad relationship not so long ago where his ex wouldnt let him do anything like a prisoner. I noticed he becomes distant and when i back off he becomes more attentive.
dreamergrl Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 He's not over what happened. Simple as that. You can't change it or fix it. Either you wait it out, or move on.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 He's unintentionally playing games with you and your emotions. Tell him to take his time getting over his ex, and when he is better, he can come and ask you out again, if and only if you're still single.
dreamergrl Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 He's unintentionally playing games with you and your emotions. Tell him to take his time getting over his ex, and when he is better, he can come and ask you out again, if and only if you're still single. There's no evidence of that. OP said he got out of a bad relationship not to long ago... he could still be getting over it. Either way though, I'd move on.
BCCA Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Honestly, unless youve never been in a relationship before, or married the first person you kissed, who HASNT been hurt? Its what you do with this hurt that defines your character. Some people want to dwell in it indefinitely. Its counter productive, but they cant bring themselves to deal with it realistically, so they are hoping that by running away from it, theyll get far enough from the pain to forget about it. Others want to keep waiting for the other person, just in case they come back. Sure, its never going to happen, but they are affraid to do anything to solidify it not happening, such as dating other people. The thing for YOU to remember is that this isnt your issue. If he wants to commit, why isnt he? How long are you being patient for? When the words dont match the actions, something is amiss. Im not saying anything is wrong with the guy, but what I am saying is that you need to make your needs and expectations clear, and dont waiver. If you want something he cant offer, then thats that. Dont talk yourself into doing anything thats not right for you.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 There's no evidence of that. OP said he got out of a bad relationship not to long ago... he could still be getting over it. Either way though, I'd move on. That's why i wrote " unintentionally". He doesn't mean to do it on purpose, but from the OP's point of view, it seems likes a push and pull game.
BCCA Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 He's unintentionally playing games with you and your emotions. Tell him to take his time getting over his ex, and when he is better, he can come and ask you out again, if and only if you're still single. PC, Im going to make a recomendation to you that someone made to me, which greatly helped me. You need to stay away from the forums. You are OVERFLOWING with negativity. Every post you make has 'the world is totally F'd and youre getting played' written all over it.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 PC, Im going to make a recomendation to you that someone made to me, which greatly helped me. You need to stay away from the forums. You are OVERFLOWING with negativity. Every post you make has 'the world is totally F'd and youre getting played' written all over it. What are you talking about ? I wasn't being negative at all. You're obviously misreading my posts. I should have stated that the guy is merely being selfish by making her wait, so she should just move on.
BCCA Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Maybe Im misinterpreting. But most of your posts after your deal with artist-guy have been pretty negative, to me at least. I was just saying that sometimes, you need to step away from this board for a bit. I do it routinely myself, otherwise, you just see a lot of negative outcomes and situations, and you start to live in that negativity. No offense.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Maybe Im misinterpreting. But most of your posts after your deal with artist-guy have been pretty negative, to me at least. I was just saying that sometimes, you need to step away from this board for a bit. I do it routinely myself, otherwise, you just see a lot of negative outcomes and situations, and you start to live in that negativity. No offense. None taken. I did take time away from the boards, and it wasn't my intention to make my words come across as harsh. I just didn't want to sugar coat anything. I just have to choose my words carefully next time around. Sorry to TJ, OP.
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 justagirl, I thought you weren't planning to ever meet him. If so, I don't understand the investment.
LovedByHim Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 All I can really say is just be patient. I was carrying around a load of baggage from a bad breakup almost 5 years ago. I don't keep it a secret. My boyfriend knew about the bad past a few weeks into us dating. I took a risk by telling him what I told him but he stuck it out. I don't know when it happened, but it's like the skeletons in my closet all decided to move on out. The residue left over from the bad breakup is minimal at best and I am completely committed and in love with my bloke. I don't think he's going to leave me - he has my full trust. Just stick it out if he is worth it. My partner stuck it out for me, and now we're doing amazing I don't think I would have been able to successfully have a relationship until a couple of years after that incident, to be honest. I tried a couple of times and failed miserably. So it really depends on how fresh this wound is. Hard to judge, I know
Author justagirl09 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 justagirl, I thought you weren't planning to ever meet him. If so, I don't understand the investment. I met him months ago....
Author justagirl09 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 All I can really say is just be patient. I was carrying around a load of baggage from a bad breakup almost 5 years ago. I don't keep it a secret. My boyfriend knew about the bad past a few weeks into us dating. I took a risk by telling him what I told him but he stuck it out. I don't know when it happened, but it's like the skeletons in my closet all decided to move on out. The residue left over from the bad breakup is minimal at best and I am completely committed and in love with my bloke. I don't think he's going to leave me - he has my full trust. Just stick it out if he is worth it. My partner stuck it out for me, and now we're doing amazing I don't think I would have been able to successfully have a relationship until a couple of years after that incident, to be honest. I tried a couple of times and failed miserably. So it really depends on how fresh this wound is. Hard to judge, I know Less than a year ago. Every time i try and break it off, he pleads with me and tries to explain that he does like me and if I could just be patient. And if i dont call him for a couple days then he calls me and asks if everything is okay, and then sometimes he is just distant. He is a great guy, but has a lot of pain, just can hear it in his voice. I guess the best thing now is to give him his space.
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Its kind of a complicated situation. I met this guy on this online website. We really hit it off. Neither of us were ready for a relationship so kind of took things slow. Then we had a talk about where it was going and agreed. However, we were both still on the website. I finally decided to delete it. I kept having conflicting feelings about him, and some guys messaged me and although i know it was wrong, i responded because i was just so unsure about this guy. I never ever had intentions of meeting him. So, i just stopped responding to any messages after that. Then, i confronted him about his profile, and he admitted that one person emailed him and he did respond but didnt meet them, then he asked well, are you talking to any guys? I didnt admit i was and i know it wasnt fair. I kept deleting and recreating my profile about 5 times and he has had the same one all along. Well, i guess he decided to teach me a lesson because he put an updated picture on there last week. He did it for that exact reason because i got furious about his profile, but here i was with a new one. So, i guess he has the same feelings as i do which is unsure about me. Now, he says he thinks he trusts me but doesnt know if i am talking to other guys. So, i promised to delete my profile and never go on that website ever again. My only problem is i feel i cant reach him. He has some pain from a past relationship that he tolerated for a long time, and it clearly did some real damage. I try hard to get him to open up, and he has opened up Alot better than 6 months ago. I have no problem being patient because i know he is a great guy inside, just looking for some advice as to what i can do. He doesnt communicate well. He gets frustrated, and sighs, and then doesnt want to talk about it anymore, but i have to talk him through it very calmly. Any ideas???This above post was from August 7, 2009. I met him months ago....I guess I misunderstood it, since this is the first time you've posted about meeting him.
Author justagirl09 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 This above post was from August 7, 2009. I guess I misunderstood it, since this is the first time you've posted about meeting him. Oh okay, i understand. Yeah, I have been seeing him for a little bit. We talk, text, and hang out together.
gypsy_nicky Posted August 18, 2009 Posted August 18, 2009 All I can really say is just be patient. I was carrying around a load of baggage from a bad breakup almost 5 years ago. I don't keep it a secret. My boyfriend knew about the bad past a few weeks into us dating. I took a risk by telling him what I told him but he stuck it out. I don't know when it happened, but it's like the skeletons in my closet all decided to move on out. The residue left over from the bad breakup is minimal at best and I am completely committed and in love with my bloke. I don't think he's going to leave me - he has my full trust. Just stick it out if he is worth it. My partner stuck it out for me, and now we're doing amazing I don't think I would have been able to successfully have a relationship until a couple of years after that incident, to be honest. I tried a couple of times and failed miserably. So it really depends on how fresh this wound is. Hard to judge, I know this has to be the one that nails it but not quite. hello justagirl. Your in a dilemma where you have 3 options. 1. If you back off, you'll get hurt, I take it from your post you care for this man. How emotionally invested are you right now? 2. If you pursue, you will get hurt by hanging on indefinitely waiting for him to be ready for you. 3. If you pursue, and he comes out of his unavailability, you two can be together. So out of the 3 options which one are you willing to take? (pursuing offers two with one being good to you) If you really care for him, and he really is hurt from the past and is not playing you, do what you feel you have to do- Either way though, the only way to find out his real intentions and resolve the ambiguity is to push through even if it means getting hurt.
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