He is calling after NC, what then ????

[wanjirum]

Hi,

 

He called me today and I ignored his call. He called twice and sent me a text saying he needed to talk to me. So I called him back. He needed someone to talk to, because he is going through personal family issues. So this means we are talking and moreover in his time of need he turned to me for a shoulder. Could this mean he cares ????

[wanjirum]

So we have been talking several times a day for the past few two weeks, and I find myself back thinking of him and wishing we could get back together. Is this normal, it's is probably been several months. I wonder if he needs time to sort out why is confused, angry and afraid of giving as a second chance. I hate that he is control, but at least we have begun communication again *sigh* I guess. Is there a way to get through to him, currently with his impeding family problems I am scared to mention us, it would seem selfish. So I am just trying to be there for him as a good friend, the good thing is, I am one of the few people he is actually confiding in (apart from his family). Is this a good thing? My birthday is next month and we agreed that we should travel and see each other before I left home in summer, but right before I left things went belly shaped and he thought space would be a better idea. I still would love to spend my birthday with him, however I am worried this might push him further away (as after my last gesture of reaching out to him did). I am lost and confused, more over I feel the pressure to buy a cheaper ticket now. And I find my self spiraling down hill in the place I was over easter. More so tonight, because he said he would call and he never . and he always has for the past two weeks (is it because he does not need me anymore, and his personal problems are now working out). I need an outside perspective ?????

[wanjirum]

I know it is a while since I last posted anything on loveshack. So I thought I would post my situation and hopefully get some advice out there.

 

So I finally went home over summer, after seeing me a few times, he put an effort to meet up with me for a drink. After which he confessed he still likes me and made a mistake and was just scared by all our arguments. This was a shocker on my part, I did not expect this from him. Perhaps I gave in too easily and agreed to work on it. I then had a to leave the country again for a week and communication was more from my effort whilst I was abroad. Once I went back home, he seemed confused and the then girlfriend who was his rebound seemed to have found her way back into his mind. Secondly twice in the summer he was soo out of order by being rude to me and my family arguing with them and insulting them. He claimed that when he was drunk around me I would bring this dark side out of him, as a result of lingering anger and disappointment from our relationship he had not dealt with.

 

When I came back to uni (and left the country again), he then told me over the phone, that he felt it was a good idea we ceased communication he needed space and time for reflection. I was very puzzled as I thought we would have been working on us and laying a new foundation. I was also supposed to travel again to see him on my birthday.

 

So we never spoke for two weeks, after which he called me out of the blue saying it was important. He needed someone to talk to because his mother was unwell. As such we begun communicating again, and once she recovered we kept communicating. He then shared his feelings saying time and time again he misses me and kept asking when I was going home. However I had exams and was not sure if I would be traveling home for xmas perhaps Jan. He then mentioned that he might come see me for New years. Unfortunately with the passing of a family relative I had to travel home ironically I landed the night before he was traveling the next morning. As such we never got to see each other. Again I left the country a fay before he landed from his family holiday. Over the xmas and new years period communication was constant but over new years it was more my effort. Furthermore on his flight whilst on transit, he mentioned that his ex-girlfriend who is a family friend traveled to spend new years with him and his mother. I was shocked because he was pretty evasive and only mentioned this as a result of it slipping. Moreover he kept talking about how good she looked but claimed nothing happened between him and her. That they actually spent a lot of time as good friends and he enjoyed himself. That actually he had a knocked boots with some other chick he met. At this point I was confused and thought I guess we are just back to being friends, or he is trying to draw a reaction from me?

 

For the past two weeks communication again was more from my effort, especially over the last four days, his phone batt is always dying e.t.c Yesterday he finally texted telling me and I quote "I don't think it is a good idea for you to call so often, it is messing up my love life and everyone still thinks we are an item".

 

I was puzzled as nobody knows we talk (I learnt from our breakup to keep things private). In reference to my phone calls they are pretty sporadic and just as frequent to last year. Once a day or every other day. So I decided to call him and clear the air, as I was very confused. He then explained that he thinks I call to often and I was shocked because I thought our communication was the same as it was last year. Furthermore even if we are friends I speak to him more than he speaks to any other female cousin of his. And my caller id appears on his phone most frequently. In addition everyone thinks we are together because he keeps calling everyone my name and this is messing up his love life. I was shocked because as it stood he had not mentioned any love interest on his part? So I then apologized for being a hindrance in his love life and told him I'll give him his space.

 

I was so disappointed that we were back to this 'hot and cold' Kate perry pattern ...

 

 

Now I am not sure what this means. He probably had a thing with his ex and was lying. Where does this leave us? Does it mean he is trying to get over me? Does he even care? Did I mess up my chance at a second chance? What should I do now?

 

I know I seem disillusional but I really care about him and he was my first love.

[silverplanets]

My experience was No Contact for 5 years (I even left the country so no reminders etc).

 

We did end up in contact then, and all the same chemistry was there but it was also different .. I didn't really trust them any more as I knew that they were perfectly capable of leaving me out in the cold.

 

They were oh so careful at the beginning but over time I watched all their old habits come back out again ...

 

They hadn't really changed.

 

Not saying that will happen to everyone, just sharing my experience.

 

My view is that leaving it up to them is disempowering for you. As a person you should have your own boundries, sense of self worth and self awareness. Why should what they want matter? Your own self should be able to clearly identify when someone is not meeting your needs and expectations.

 

If you're emotionally raw and still healing then this is hard to do and your judgement can be off ... in this case one might have to ask oneself if one was even ready to be exposed to any strong emotions.

 

If you're need is to be left alone to re-find you and your beliefs/confidence then anyone who cares for you should respect you telling them that. If they won't respect your needs then perhaps that's all the answer you need???

 

After 5 years NC with this person I knew I was strong enough not to get sucked in and I had my clear boundries .. and when they (predictably) failed to respect them then I was able to quietly shut them down again and move on.

[kristinabopp]

For everyone who comes to this forum seeking answers, we have all read about the NC (no contact) from NC devotees. Knowing no better and being desperate we religiously attempt to follow the rules and maintain NC, whilst ironically celebrating our NC 30 day plus anniversaries on the forum. Where the love shack community gets to cheer us upon this path.

 

But after the dust is setled and the noise and voises and traffic have all disappeared, question is what then ???? What do we do after NC, after communication is reestablished by the dumper. I would also like to emphasize that in a mature approach yes me the dumpee would hope that reconciliation would be the final outcome, however I am open minded enough to appreciate that this may never happen. But what then ??? What are the next steps to ensuring you survive the recovery period or salvage or reestablish a new relationship haven't learnt form past mistakes. What then ??? I understand there is no golden rule, or perfect template that can be superimposed into every relationship. But what should you do after? Yes I am aware the NC period is for healing, self evaluation and building a new you.

 

I had been NC for 3 months with no hope and well we are now in talking term. However we already were in a long distance relationship and I am due to go home in two weeks. The frequency of the calls have reduced though and his tune has changed, seeing that a month ago he was making sexual innuendos (that I would shrug off) and insinuating he misses 'us'.

 

Is there anyone out there with a success story, in which they are the dumpee and made the golden error of pleading and begging straight after the break up. However went NC as a result of the break up, but having a situation where the dumper comes back. What did you do? Bearing in mind regardless of everything I would give my past relationship a chance.

 

Please only positive feedback, I respect and understand and appreciate the fact that out there, there might be some people who might never want nor believe in a second chance. Don't impose that opinion on me. Thank you.

 

 

 

I know a successful story about reconciliation. let me tell you this one..

my friend has been through this situation and i saw it myself. this 2 friend of mine we were both in schoolmates in high school back then. when we graduated the 3 of us went separate ways, he went to florida, i went here in california and she went to europe. she and the guy were bf/gf since high school. they were each others first gf/bf. but when the guy went to florida the guy and his gf in europe they broke up. because the guy feel like since they are far away from each other shes in europe and hes in florida he felt awkward.. and then he broke up with her.. he started dating girls and my friend in europe was soooo broke and depressed,she was telling me how sad she is. when they broke up they havent heard from each other in 2years! im trying to cheer her up when she was down and then she started dating as well, because she thought it was the end. but even if shes still dating new guys, *the love she had with his ex is still there and she is still crazy in love with him after what he did, and she misses it and she cant stop thinking bout him*.

 

eventhough they dont have any contacts at all when he broke up, my friend is still actually stalking him. like even if he doesnt have a facebook/myspace or stuff like that, she will go to search and look up for some people who lives closeby to his house!!and i helped her that time!that was so funny and im scared too because im like talking to strangers just to see if this is where he lives and stuff like that. shes really inlove with him. i know they are both inlove with each other. but i had doubts when the guy left her. ok, so after 2 years of her life without him, in that time she was dating guys just to not think of him. and she lost her hope bout him coming back. so yea, after 2 years, HE SENT HER AN EMAIL! a long one! she was shock but at the same time, HAPPY! but she didnt expect that though, coz they were both in NC for 2 years.now they are happy and the guy actually realized that he loves her more than the girls he dated and that the girls he dated was unreliable. and they just really love each other. now they are happy eventhough they havent seen each other yet since last time we graduated in HS! can you believe that?! im proud of them. they are in LDR for a looong time. and i know they are so strong. specially right now, the guy left for AIR FORCE and shes gonna be like waiting again until june or idk. but she said when he comes back, she will go here in US with her family to visit him.. its like THEY COME BACK WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.. i cant wait to see him and my friend to see each other again physically after 3-4 yrs of not seeing each other. i know she will wait for him and i hope he wont do any stupid stuff when hes in a bootcamp!

 

hope this helps you! i just wish it happens to me too. but well see.. i will be the happiest person in the world if my ex will ever come back to me... but right now, im kinda losing hope.. im trying to be behave so well though!

[Oh Moe]

I posted this someplace else but I don't know where.

 

Here's my take on getting sh*t on after 5 months. My post you can read so we won't get into the whole thing.

 

I wanted my ex back more then anything and every little crumb was a two day thought process that set me back a week. I then went NC after 2-3 days of the typical whining and such, then even after telling her not to contact me she called and text nearly every single day for months while throwing out crumbs and getting boinked by every low life she came across.

 

Finally one day I said this is it, when she called I always respected her and was never rude while she was always the opposite to me. I had to say no.

She even set up a meeting and wanted to reconcile but was acting like an a** and I left her standing there and treated her very rudely.

 

My point is that we didn't contact each other for over two months I have treating her not really rudely but keeping everything on my pace and my ground and she now has been trying to contact me more and more. She's cleaned herself up and has been nicer then she's been since she dumped me. The thing is she has to know that I don't want her, need her or want anything to do with her, she called and text most of yesterday afternoon and even invited us to breakfast over the weekend.

 

It seems the worse you treat them the more they want what they can't have. Even when we met up and she said a few things about the past I just gave a smirk and laughed. She then calls more.

[selena_cat]

I posted this someplace else but I don't know where.

 

Here's my take on getting sh*t on after 5 months. My post you can read so we won't get into the whole thing.

 

I wanted my ex back more then anything and every little crumb was a two day thought process that set me back a week. I then went NC after 2-3 days of the typical whining and such, then even after telling her not to contact me she called and text nearly every single day for months while throwing out crumbs and getting boinked by every low life she came across.

 

Finally one day I said this is it, when she called I always respected her and was never rude while she was always the opposite to me. I had to say no.

She even set up a meeting and wanted to reconcile but was acting like an a** and I left her standing there and treated her very rudely.

 

My point is that we didn't contact each other for over two months I have treating her not really rudely but keeping everything on my pace and my ground and she now has been trying to contact me more and more. She's cleaned herself up and has been nicer then she's been since she dumped me. The thing is she has to know that I don't want her, need her or want anything to do with her, she called and text most of yesterday afternoon and even invited us to breakfast over the weekend.

 

It seems the worse you treat them the more they want what they can't have. Even when we met up and she said a few things about the past I just gave a smirk and laughed. She then calls more.

 

 

Thats a crazy story,so who dumped who at first?

[Oh Moe]

Thats a crazy story,so who dumped who at first?

 

She dumped me after three years, we only a few days before were making marriage arrangements. I have been given every stupid reason in the world why she did it. None made any sense. I learned afterward about her past was much worse then she ever admitted. Married four times by thirty, several long term relationships. She is a runner and has never delt with anything in her life, nothing.

[wanjirum]

So back to where I was last year, back to NC.

 

I just realised when he called after New years talking about how good his ex was looking but nothing happened. It must have been a lie, that is the only explanation for the text. In which he said I was ruining his life, and perhaps we should speak that often because he is calling other people my name and everyone thinks we are still an item. I just figured out who 'everyone' is: it must be her. Secondly him speaking about how he had such a fab time abroad and could see himself coming for a masters, which he was initially supposed to do when we were dating. Me and her are in the same country and I won't be shocked if it has to do with her. Now I am distraught, can someone have more than one rebound? And how about a rebound with an ex? He already had a rebound and came back to me, but I gave in too easily. Now I am not sure what I should do? Do you think he will come back? Granted there is nothing to do but keep on NC and work on me. But has anyone out there been in a similar situation?

 

[wanjirum]

It has been a while since I wrote on this forum. I find myself caught in a vicious cycle of him coming back halfway and running out again. I shall summarise the past few events. Since last Oct. when he contacted me due to a personal issue relating to family and needed a friend. We started conversation again. Then he sounded like he was having second thoughts. However during Dec we drifted apart. Then I had his 'rebound' girlfriend (who I should mention is the complete opposite of me- jobless, not independent, never attended university and some people believe she might be a gold digger) well they broke up. After which we started communicating again on a regular basis he even mentioned, how he misses me. And we started talking about what went wrong. He kept asking when I was going home. I mentioned that I would come home for Easter. He even apologised to my sister for acting like an ass towards her once we broke up. But when I got home for Easter he would make advances but I would turn away from his physical advances the first night we went clubbing, where he bumped into his ex girlfriend and it seemed like he was confused. That same weekend we (me and a couple of our mutual friends) went on a road trip, where the first day he ignored me and well on the second we stayed up talking and even kissed. After the road trip communication was again on the regular and he kept talking about our future. Which confused me, because there was still the element of his ex-rebound and stories lingering around of him and her. I mentioned there was a new guy interested and his reaction was very defensive how we still have unfinished business and he is waiting for me to move home and how this new guy can't compete with him. The I went on to mention I am not looking for a relationship currently until I move home thus for the next year I am just doing me. During the week he was pretty occupied with work and I was on holiday but somewhere during my holiday communication started decreasing. I have no idea why? Perhaps it was because he kept complaining I was out most of the time and well it became apparent he was not going to make time out of his schedule to meet me. Then I bumped into his mum and he mentioned that his mum was asking why I don't come to the house anymore e.t.c .... I learnt from our break up to be careful about listening to people but there were so many rumours that he wanted to introduce his ex to his mum and e.t.c but cancelled in the last minute. He apparently helps her pay her bills and goes over for the weekend because she doesn't stress him and its a guaranteed shag (whilst with me I am too intense apparently I care too much and he is not ready for that right now). So I left and came back to university and now I have no idea if he still cares or is just keeping away due to the distance and waiting for me to move home and keeping this girl as a distraction. Seeing that I have met his family and he keeps insisting we have unfinished business, my friends keeping warning me he just comes in to check on me to see I haven't moved on and wants to eat not only a slice of his cake but have two cakes whilst at it. I have no idea what to do, his birthday is now coming up and I left a gift with a friend for him. Should I give it to him. Everyone says if I got a new boyfriend and he thought I was serious all hell would break and he would run back. What should I do? Should I move on? Give him the card and gift? I am back on NC this time though and plan on not breaking it. Any advice is welcome. I am sooo confused. Can you really get an ex back? Is there any hope? Should I give him the birthday gift?

[lullaby]

Hi all! I'm new at this forum thing. Besides, I'm from Argentina, so bare with me on the English part, ok?

As short as I can tell my story, basically my ex told me he needed time. We went on holidays on March (our first holidays together) and it wasn´t a great experience, we argued a lot because we had to get to know each other in this new environment that we were, Brazil, but I didn't take as something really problematic, apparently, he did. I'm 26 and he is 22, probably that's the reason because I had other longterm serious relationships and he didn't that much as me.

This experience brought him a sort of bitterness and he started being a bit distant from me, although we almost lived together, one can tell when the other one is somewhere else.

Anyway, we have been a couple for a year and 2 months, sharing every single moment together and it was actually a great relationship, we really got along perfectly, in bed, I mean EVERYTHING.

We talked about what happened during our holidays, and tried to fix things but he didn't give time to it, because on april 5th he came, gave me his key and took all his things. He said he needed time because he was not feeling comfortable. A week passed and since I had no news from him, I wrote him a letter and sent it. Two days later, I called him because he never answered my email or even said if he had received it. He said he saw I had sent him sth, but that he didn't read the letter. The conversation was ugly, and painful for both, I could tell he was sad. From then on, I decided to follow the NC rule, it lasted 10 days because on Friday he called me at home, but I was out having dinner with a friend. He sent me a message saying he couldn't find home and that he wanted to thank me for the letter and hoped I'd be alright. I doubted whether to answer him or not. The next day, I called him but he didn't answer the phone, so I sent him a message telling him that I was replying his call and he responded "OK. I just wanted to thank you and let you know. I hope you're ok. Kisses". This was 2 days ago. So, my conclusion is that the NC rule worked because he noticed I was not calling him. I want to get him back, and I don't know what to do, because I really don't know if a new NC rule is going to work now, because he already appeared using my letter as an excuse. And I bet he got really mad when he called and didn't find me home. He is really jealous guy and he probably thought I was out with some man.

Anyway, the point is: what should I do now? On the other side, my grandfather is having surgery on Wednesday, my mother is really sad and I feel so lonely right now without him. I dont know if it's correct for me to tell him that I need him, not as a bf or a friend, but as someone who was my all for more than a year and I need his support, but I'm afraid it may backfire on me and make me feel even worse.

Please, help!!!!!!!

 

Best!!!

[aerogurl87]

OP I guess your looking for success stories, I don't have what most would consider a success story but I feel more successful in life by going the route I did go.

 

My ex and I had been together for 6 tumultuous months, mostly on and off as we'd fight, break up for a day or so, then end up back together. We were in a LDR which made it even harder. Anyway, the week before he left me for some woman who was old enough to be his mom, that he had never met, who lived in another country, he begged me to move in with him. I went with my gut and said no, then one week later he left me without warning (going so far as to say he loved me and I was the one the same morning).

 

Anyway we went LC for about one month, until he found out I was dating someone new. His newfound "love" broke up with him and his life started spiraling out of control. So of course he wanted me there to help him pick up the pieces as I had done for most of the 6 months we'd been together. Well when he realized that wasn't going to happen he got upset and we went NC for close to 6 months. Then in mid January I dumbly texted him to say happy new year.

 

We texted each other for a few days back and forth, then he finally called. He claimed he wanted to take things slow and eventually get back together, but I'm not patient so I demanded we start working on us now or I could move on for good. So he disappeared for a week, then came crawling back later telling me he still loved me, blah blah blah. I told him I wanted to just be friends and he got pissed so once again we went NC.

 

Then I met my (now) boyfriend and we started talking. When my ex found that out he got pissed and told me "friends" wouldn't work for us and I needed to leave this new guy alone. I told him that wasn't gonna happen so he finally left out my life for good.

 

Moral of the story: Second chances rarely work and usually only hinder you from moving on in life. If it weren't for finding my current boyfriend I probably would've fell back in that old routine with my ex. But after coming out of the fog of being "in love", realizing that my ex was my ex for a reason, AND finding someone who's good to me in word and deed, I came to the conclusion that second chances are usually a bad idea.

[wanjirum]

Its his birthday today I have been NC since Sunday. If you read my past posts he has been in and out of my life. Today is his birthday and I sent him a text and an email. Now I am deciding if I should get my card and gift dropped at his house, since I am out of the country. But I am so confused, I don't want him to think I am overwhelming him or anything. What should I do? Before you answer please scroll up and read my previous post to understand our past. Thank you, any opinion or advice will be greatly accepted .